Psychology of intimate relationships week 7
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The Link Between Narcissism and Aggression: A Meta-Analytic Review
Sophie L. Kjærvik and Brad J. Bushman
School of Communication, The Ohio State University
This meta-analytic review examines the link between narcissism and aggression, and whether the link is stronger
under provocation conditions. A total of 437 independent studies were located, which included 123,043 partici-
pants. Narcissism was related to both aggression (r = .26, [.24, .28]) and violence (r = .23, [.18, .27]). As
expected, the narcissism-aggression link was stronger under provocation conditions (r = .29, [.23, .36]) than
under no provocation conditions (r = .12, [.05, .18]), but was even significant in the absence of provocation.
Both “normal” and “pathological” narcissism were related to aggression. All three dimensions of narcissism (i.e.,
entitlement, grandiose narcissism, vulnerable narcissism) were related to aggression. Narcissism was related to all
forms of aggression (i.e., indirect, direct, displaced, physical, verbal, bullying), and to both functions of aggres-
sion (i.e., reactive, proactive). The relation between narcissism and aggression was significant for males and
females, for people of all ages, for students and nonstudents, and for people from individualistic and collectivistic
countries. Significant results were obtained in experimental, cross-sectional, and longitudinal studies, in published
and unpublished studies, and in studies that assessed aggression using different types of measures (i.e., self-report,
other-report, observation). Overall results were robust to publication bias and the presence of outliers.
Theoretically, these results indicate that provocation is a key moderator of the link between narcissism and
aggression. Individuals high in narcissism have “thin skins” and are prone to aggression when they are provoked.
Practically, these results suggest that narcissism is an important risk factor for aggression and violence.
Public Significance Statement
This meta-analytic review found that individuals with high levels of narcissism are prone to aggres-
sive and violent behavior, especially when they are provoked. There was a triangulation of results
across different research methodologies. The relationship was robust for different forms and func-
tions of aggression, different types and dimensions of narcissism, and for males and females of dif-
ferent ages from different countries.
Keywords: narcissism, aggression, violence, ego-threat, meta-analysis
Supplemental materials: https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000323.supp
When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will
be disappointed to find they are not it.—Bernard Baily, American
comic book artist
This quote seems to accurately describe people with high levels
of narcissism. The personality trait narcissism was named after the
mythological Greek figure Narcissus, who was a handsome, self-
absorbed, vain young man who fell in love with his own image
reflected in still water. “I burn with love for—me!” Narcissus
exclaimed.
In this meta-analytic review, narcissism is defined as “entitled
self-importance” (Krizan & Herlache, 2018, p. 6). People with
high levels of narcissism think they are special people who
deserve special treatment. They have an exaggerated and inflated
sense of their own importance. Indeed, narcissism was initially la-
beled the “God-complex” (Jones, 1913).
Narcissism Is Not a Dichotomy
Overwhelming empirical evidence suggests that narcissism is
continuous variable rather than a dichotomy (for a review see Kri-
zan & Herlache, 2018). Thus, we will not refer to individuals with
high levels of narcissism as “narcissists.” Calling someone a nar-
cissist implies that narcissism is a dichotomous variable, which it
This article was published Online First May 24, 2021.
Brad J. Bushman https://orcid.org/0000-0002-1266-5101
We thank Alexandra Blouin, Cecily Exline, David Fuller, Jessica
Kaplan, Claire Teets, and Tess Wells for their help coding studies. We
thank Eddie Brummelman, Josh Miller, Aaron Pincus, Sander Thomaes,
and Aiden Wright for their helpful feedback on a draft of this article.
We thank Sven Kepes for his help conducting the sensitivity analyses,
Gertrudes Velasquez and Betsy Becker for their help conducting the
analyses for correlated effects, and Matthew Sweitzer for his help with the
violin plot. Finally, we would like to thank Golnoosh Behrouzian for her
help with Table SM1, the references, and computing intercoder reliability.
The data for this meta-analytic review are available on Open Science
Framework (OSF) via this link: https://osf.io/m6xek/.
Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Brad J.
Bushman, School of Communication, The Ohio State University, 3016
Derby Hall, 154 North Oval Mall, Columbus, OH 43210, United States.
Email: [email protected]
477
Psychological Bulletin
© 2021 American Psychological Association 2021, Vol. 147, No. 5, 477–503
ISSN: 0033-2909 https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000323
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is not. Even the latent structure of narcissistic personality disorder
(NPD) is continuous (Aslinger et al., 2018).
Because narcissism is a continuous variable, it has a distribu-
tion. However, the distribution of narcissism differs for children
and adults. In children ages 7–17, narcissism tends to have a nor-
mal, bell-shaped distribution (Thomaes & Brummelman, 2016). In
adults 18 and older, narcissism tends to have a positively skewed
distribution with a long right tail (Krizan & Herlache, 2018). In
other words, most adults have relatively low levels of narcissism,
some adults have moderate levels, and a few adults have extremely
high levels.
Narcissism Is Not a Unitary Construct
There is growing consensus that narcissism is not a unitary con-
struct. Rather, narcissism has important dimensions, although not
all researchers agree on what those dimensions are. Two independ-
ent groups of scholars recently suggested that the narcissism spec-
trum can best be represented using three correlated factors (Wright
& Edershile, 2018). One group proposed the Narcissism Spectrum
Model (Krizan & Herlache, 2018) to describe these three compo-
nents, whereas the other group proposed the Trifurcated model of
Narcissism (Weiss et al., 2019). Both groups identified an essential
core of narcissism, as well as two peripheral components. One
group called the core component entitlement (Krizan & Herlache,
2018), whereas the other group called it antagonistic (Miller et al.,
2017). In terms of the two peripheral components, one group
called them grandiosity and vulnerability (Krizan & Herlache,
2018), whereas the other group called them extraverted and neu-
rotic (Miller et al., 2017).
Data show that a three-factor model fits the data better than a
single-factor or two-factor model (Krizan & Herlache, 2018). In
this meta-analytic review, we focus on these three components,
and we use the terms entitlement, grandiose narcissism, and vul-
nerable narcissism. Individuals high in grandiose narcissism tend
to have high levels of self-esteem, whereas those high in vulnera-
ble narcissism tend to have low levels of self-esteem (Wink,
1991). The grandiose dimension of narcissism is characterized by
self-assuredness, imposingness, attention seeking, entitlement,
exhibitionism, self-indulgence, and disrespect for the needs of
others (Bushman et al., 2009; Wink, 1991). An individual high in
grandiose narcissism is often referred to as “hard-headed, aggres-
sive, and a show-off” (Wink, 1991, p. 569). The vulnerable dimen-
sion is characterized by hypersensitivity to evaluations from
others, defensiveness, bitterness, anxiousness, self-indulgence,
conceitedness, arrogance, and an insistence on having one’s own
way (Wink, 1991). An individual high in vulnerable narcissism is
often referred to as “unpredictable and prone to act out unexpect-
edly” (Greene, 1991, p. 283). In the past, more emphasis has been
given to the grandiose component of narcissism than to the vulner-
able component (Cain et al., 2008; Miller et al., 2011; Wright &
Edershile, 2018), both in the clinical (i.e., NPD) and subclinical
domains.
Clinically, the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA) Diag-
nostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-Fifth Edition
(DSM–5; APA, 2013) has consistently emphasized grandiose fea-
tures of narcissism. Likewise, the most popular self-report meas-
ures of subclinical narcissism, such as the Narcissistic Personality
Inventory (NPI; Raskin & Terry, 1988), have emphasized the
grandiose features of narcissism. Unfortunately, this has led to an
unbalanced and incomplete picture of narcissism (Wright & Eder-
shile, 2018). More recently, researchers have begun developing
and measuring the vulnerable features of narcissism. This meta-
analytic review will examine the relation between these three fac-
tors of narcissism (i.e., entitlement, grandiose narcissism, vulnera-
ble narcissism) and aggression.
Pathological Levels of Narcissism
Some scholars have suggested that narcissism has both nor-
mal and pathological expressions (e.g., Pincus & Lukowitsky,
2010). Normal narcissism is sometimes called “subclinical nar-
cissism” (e.g., Wallace & Baumeister, 2002). Pathological lev-
els of narcissism are associated with clinically relevant mental
health problems such as depression, suicidal ideation, self-
harm, pathological gambling, homicidal ideation, stalking
behavior, aggression, and violence (Schoenleber et al., 2015).
Those with pathological levels of narcissism have significant
regulatory deficits and maladaptive strategies to cope with self-
image threats. Thus, individuals with pathological narcissism
might be especially prone to lash out at others in an aggressive
manner when they are threatened.
In clinical and psychiatric research, pathological expressions of
narcissism are typically operationalized using the APA’s DSM–5
(APA, 2013) as NPD, which is defined as a “pervasive pattern of
grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admira-
tion, and lack of empathy” (p. 669). Although the latent structure
of NPD is continuous (Aslinger et al., 2018), NPD is a dichoto-
mous categorization made by mental health professionals typically
following clinical interviews. Researchers have also developed a
self-report measure of pathological narcissism called the Patholog-
ical Narcissism Inventory (PNI; Pincus, 2013; Pincus et al. 2009).
The PNI measures two dimensions of narcissism—grandiosity and
vulnerability. The grandiosity and vulnerability subscales of the
PNI are highly correlated, and individuals high in “pathological
narcissism” are thought to have problems with both grandiosity
and vulnerability (e.g., Pincus, 2013), although this is an area in
need of further research (e.g., Gore & Widiger, 2016; Hyatt et al.,
2018). Other self-report measures of narcissism capture so-called
“normal narcissism.”
Other scholars disagree that the distinction between normal and
pathological narcissism is a meaningful one (e.g., Miller et al.
2017). They argue that whether narcissism is pathological depends
on how extreme, inflexible, and pervasive it is, and on whether it
causes distress and impairment to the self and to others. These
scholars also point out that so-called “normal” measures of narcis-
sism, such as the NPI (Raskin & Terry, 1988), are highly corre-
lated with clinical symptoms of NPD and ratings of psychopathy
(Krusemark et al., 2018; Miller et al., 2009) and generate empiri-
cal profiles consistent with expert ratings (Miller et al., 2014,
2016). In addition, so-called normal narcissism is often correlated
with maladaptive behaviors, such as aggression and violence (e.g.,
Bushman & Baumeister, 2002).
This meta-analytic review examines the link between both nor-
mal and pathological levels of narcissism and aggression. We will
explore whether the link between pathological narcissism (i.e.,
with high PNI scores, NPD) and aggression is stronger than the
link between normal narcissism and aggression.
478 KJÆRVIK AND BUSHMAN
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Aggression and Violence
The main outcome variable in this meta-analytic review is aggres-
sion, which is defined as “any form of behavior directed toward the
goal of harming or injuring another living being who is motivated to
avoid such treatment” (Baron & Richardson, 1994, p. 7). Aggression
can take different forms (Bushman & Huesmann, 2010). For example,
physical aggression involves harming others physically (e.g., hitting,
kicking, stabbing, or shooting), whereas verbal aggression involves
harming others with spoken or written words (e.g., yelling, screaming,
swearing, or name calling). Aggression can be expressed directly
when the victim is present, or indirectly when the victim is absent (e.
g., spreading gossip or rumors behind someone’s back). Aggression
can also be displaced onto an innocent target. Bullying involves
repeated acts of aggression, which can occur offline or online (called
cyberbullying). Offline, the bully is generally large, strong, and intimi-
dating so they can “push other people around.” Online, the bully does
not need to possess these characteristics. Because there has been some
debate about whether there is a meaningful distinction between bully-
ing and cyberbullying (e.g., Olweus & Limber, 2018), we coded
whether the bullying occurred offline or online. We also coded trolling,
which involves intentionally provoking others online. In this meta-ana-
lytic review, we coded the form of aggression for exploratory
purposes.
Aggression can also serve different functions. Researchers have
distinguished between reactive and proactive aggression (Bush-
man & Anderson, 2001). Reactive aggression (also called hostile,
emotional, affective, and impulsive aggression) is “hot tempered”
annoyance-based aggression that is an “end in itself.” Proactive
aggression (also called instrumental and premeditated aggression)
is “cold-blooded” incentive-based aggression that is a “means to
some other end” (e.g., money, status, power, reputation, revenge,
prestige). In this meta-analytic review, we also coded the function
of aggression. Because individuals high in narcissism are hyper-
sensitive to provocation, we expect narcissism to be positively
relate to reactive aggression. But narcissism might also be posi-
tively related to proactive aggression, especially when it comes to
obtaining status (Grapsas et al., 2020). Some scholars have also
suggested that the distinction between reactive and proactive
aggression is not particularly useful because aggression can be
both annoyance-based and incentive-based, and because the two
types of aggression tend to be very highly correlated (see Bush-
man & Anderson, 2001). Thus, narcissism should be related to
both reactive and proactive aggression.
We also examined the link between narcissism and violence,
which is defined as any aggressive behavior intended to cause
extreme physical harm, such as injury or death (Bushman & Hues-
mann, 2010). All violent behaviors are aggressive, but only behav-
iors intended to cause extreme physical harm are violent. For
example, hitting someone is violent, but calling someone an insult-
ing name is not violent, although it is aggressive. We expected
narcissism to be more strongly related to aggression than to vio-
lence, because rare and extreme behaviors have a restricted range
and are more difficult to predict.
Narcissism and Aggression
There is a large body of research examining the link between
narcissism and aggression. Individuals with high levels of
narcissism have several characteristics that predispose them to
behave in an aggressive manner. Some aspects of narcissism are
directly related to aggression, such as being antagonistic and dis-
agreeable (Krizan & Herlache, 2018; Vize et al., 2019), and lack-
ing empathy for others (Czarna et al., 2015; Hepper et al., 2014;
Jones, 1913).
How people view themselves can also influence how they treat
others, including whether they treat them in an aggressive manner.
People with high levels of narcissism view themselves as superior
beings. Viewing oneself as superior implies viewing others as in-
ferior (Brummelman et al., 2018; Grapsas et al., 2020). Of course,
it is easier to aggress against others if one considers them to be in-
ferior beings.
This meta-analytic review integrates this body of research and
examines possible moderator variables. Theoretically, the most
important moderator variable is provocation.
Provocation
Some theoretical models predict high levels of aggression
among individuals high in narcissism in certain contexts and situa-
tions. According to the threatened egotism model (Baumeister et
al., 1996), individuals high in narcissism levels are especially
prone to aggress against others who evaluate them negatively,
such as by shaming, humiliating, embarrassing, or criticizing
them. Although negative evaluations can be unpleasant for every-
one, they are especially unpleasant and threatening for individuals
high in narcissism due to their inflated egos and their “thin skins.”
The model also predicts that individuals high in narcissism are
likely to reject negative evaluations from others, which allows
them to maintain their inflated self-views. Finally, the model pre-
dicts that individuals high in narcissism will be more likely to
retaliate against those who evaluate them negatively by aggressing
against them.
According to the Status Pursuit in Narcissism (SPIN) model
(Grapsas et al., 2020), individuals high in narcissism are also
prone to aggress against others in their attempts to obtain status.
For example, narcissistic youth, especially boys, are prone to bully
others to obtain dominance or status in their peer group (Reijntjes
et al., 2016). Most models of narcissism, including the threatened
ego model, propose that the main motive of people high in narcis-
sism is the desire to create and maintain an overly positive, grandi-
ose self-image, which is an intrapersonal motive. In contrast, the
SPIN model proposes that this desire to have a grandiose self-
image serves a higher-order social motive—to obtain social status,
which is an interpersonal motive. From an evolutionary perspec-
tive, this makes good sense. A grandiose self-image helps people
accrue higher status and social benefits by convincing others of
their superior skills and abilities.
The recent literature seems to suggest that narcissistic aggres-
sion stems from provocation more generally (e.g., Rasmussen,
2016), although some studies find that narcissistic aggression can
also occur in the absence of provocation (e.g., Reidy et al., 2010).
In this meta-analytic review, we code provocation as a key moder-
ator variable. We predict the link between narcissism and aggres-
sion to be stronger when participants are provoked than when they
are not provoked. If narcissism is related to aggression in nonpro-
voking contexts, it would have interesting theoretical implications.
Perhaps seeing others as inferior beings is sufficient to ignite
NARCISSISM AND AGGRESSION: A META-ANALYTIC REVIEW 479
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aggression in individuals high in narcissism, even in the absence
of external provocation.
We also code whether the provocation is related to status (e.g.,
respect, prominence, or reputation) or affiliation (e.g., belonging,
liking, or closeness). The SPIN model (Grapsas et al., 2020) would
predict higher levels of narcissistic aggression for status-related
provocations than for affiliation-related provocations.
Exploratory Moderator Variables
In addition to theoretical moderators described above, this meta-
analytic review also considered several additional characteristics
that might moderate the relation between narcissism and aggres-
sion, including source, participant, and design characteristics.
Source Characteristics
As one measure of publication bias, we coded whether each
study was published in a peer reviewed journal or not. In addition,
we used more formal methods for assessing the impact of publica-
tion bias by conducting a comprehensive battery of sensitivity
analyses.
We also coded the year the data were collected. We explore
whether the relation between narcissism and aggression is stable
over time.
Participant Characteristics
Previous research has reported that males have higher levels of
narcissism than females (Grijalva et al., 2015). When it comes to
gender differences in aggression, males exhibit higher levels of
physical aggression than females do, whereas females exhibit
higher levels of indirect aggression than males do (Björkqvist,
2018). This meta-analytic review explores whether there are gen-
der differences in the relation between narcissism and aggression.
Consistent with evolutionary theory, several scholars have sug-
gested that narcissism levels reach a developmental high in adoles-
cence (e.g., Bleiberg, 1994), and decrease across the life span
(Foster, Campbell, & Twenge, 2003, Trzesniewski & Donnellan,
2010), until they reach a developmental low in older age (Carter &
Douglass, 2018; Robins et al., 2002). This meta-analytic review
explores whether age moderates the relation between narcissism
and aggression.
Researchers in psychology and related fields have questioned
whether the results obtained from studies that use samples of stu-
dents from universities and colleges generalize to other popula-
tions (e.g., Ashraf & Merunka, 2017; Briones & Benham, 2017;
Espinosa & Ortinau, 2016; Flere & Lavri�c, 2008; Hanel & Vione,
2016; James & Sonner, 2001; Landers & Behrend, 2015; Sears,
1986). Some studies find differences between student and nonstu-
dent samples, whereas other studies find no differences. This
meta-analytic review explores whether the relation between narcis-
sism and aggression differs for students and nonstudents.
Higher narcissism levels have been found in people from indi-
vidualistic countries than in people from collectivistic countries
(Foster, Campbell, & Twenge, 2003; Foster, Shrira, & Campbell,
2003; Twenge & Campbell, 2009). This meta-analytic review
explores whether the relation between narcissism and aggression
differs for people from individualistic and collectivistic countries.
Design Characteristics
This meta-analytic review explores the relation between narcis-
sism and aggression in experimental, cross-sectional, and longitu-
dinal studies. For experimental studies, we also coded whether the
experiment was conducted in a laboratory, online, or field setting.
There has been some debate about whether online and offline
experiments produce similar results (e.g., Horton et al., 2011;
Reips, 2000). Finally, we explore whether similar results are
obtained when aggression is assessed via self-report, other-report
(e.g., parent, teacher, or peer), and behavioral observation.
Previous Meta-Analytic Reviews
Although other meta-analytic reviews have examined the link
between narcissism and aggression (Bettencourt et al., 2006; Geel
et al., 2017; Hyatt et al., 2019; Lambe et al., 2018; Moor & Ander-
son, 2019; Muris et al., 2017; Rasmussen, 2016), this meta-ana-
lytic review is far more comprehensive than past meta-analytic
reviews. For example, it includes many more studies, it includes
unpublished studies, it examines normal and pathological narcis-
sism, it examines different dimensions of narcissism, it examines
different forms and functions of aggression, it includes provoca-
tion as a key moderator variable, and it includes several other ex-
ploratory moderator variables. It controls for correlated effects. It
also includes a comprehensive battery of sensitivity analyses to
examine the effects of publication bias and outliers on the obtained
results.
Method
Literature Search
Five computer databases were used to locate relevant studies
published through November 15, 2020: Medline, PsycINFO, Edu-
cational Resources Information Center (ERIC), PubMed, and Pro-
Quest. We searched for unpublished studies in ProQuest to
address potential publication bias (i.e., the file drawer problem;
Rosenthal, 1979). The terms used for the literature search were
(“dark core” OR “dark personality traits” OR “dark traits” OR
“dark tetrad” OR “dark triad” OR ego* OR entitlement OR gran-
dios* OR narcissis* OR NPD) AND (aggress* OR agonistic OR
“antisocial behavior” OR “antisocial behaviour” OR “anti-social
behavior” OR “anti-social behaviour” OR assault* OR attack*
OR bullie* OR bully* OR conflict* OR coerc* OR cruel* OR der-
ogate* OR dominant* OR “externalising behaviour”* OR “exter-
nalizing behavior”* OR “externalising problems”* OR
“externalizing problems”* OR fight* OR harass* OR hostil* OR
“negative reciprocity” OR rape* OR reveng* OR retaliat* OR
sadis* OR troll* OR venge* OR victim* OR violen*). The asterisk
allows terms to have all possible endings (e.g., the term aggress*
will retrieve studies that used the terms aggress, aggressed,
aggressor, aggressive, and aggression).
Most of the aggression terms are the ones used in the journal
Aggressive Behavior, which is the flagship journal of the Interna-
tional Society for Research on Aggression. We also used search
terms from previous meta-analytic reviews of narcissism and
aggression. In addition, we added search terms based on a
480 KJÆRVIK AND BUSHMAN
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thesaurus search and our reading of the literature. The search terms
were limited to be in the Title and/or Abstract.
We also were going to include the terms “conduct problems,”
“oppositional behavior,” and “oppositional behaviour” as aggres-
sion terms, but such measures often lump aggressive behavior in
with other antisocial behaviors (e.g., stealing, lying, cheating). We
excluded these terms because this meta-analytic review focuses
specifically on aggression.
To obtain studies that we might have been missed, two addi-
tional steps were taken. First, we searched the reference sections
of previous meta-analytic reviews (Bettencourt et al., 2006; Geel
et al., 2017; Hyatt et al., 2019; Lambe et al., 2018; Moor & Ander-
son, 2019; Muris et al., 2017; Rasmussen, 2016). Second, we
searched the reference sections of all retrieved studies.
Inclusion Criteria
Four inclusion criteria were used. First, the study had to include
a measure of narcissism. Second, the study needed to examine nar-
cissism at the individual level rather than at the group or collective
level (e.g., de Zavala, 2011; de Zavala et al., 2019). Third, the
study had to include a measure of aggression and/or violence.
Fourth, participants had to be at least 7 years old. One cannot
accurately measure narcissism in children under about age 7.
Young children typically hold inflated views of themselves and
their competencies. One reason is that they are not yet well able to
compare their own competencies with those of others, or to incor-
porate such self-other comparisons into their self-views (Ruble &
Frey, 1991). Moreover, young children find it difficult to distin-
guish their ideal self (the person they want to be) from their actual
self (the person they really are; Harter, 2012). From about age 7,
however, children develop more realistic self-views, and it is from
this age that individual differences in narcissism can be meaning-
fully assessed (Thomaes & Brummelman, 2016).
Preferred Reporting Items for Systematic Reviews and
Meta-Analyses (PRISMA) Flowchart
The literature search produced 11,862 research reports, but not
all of them were relevant to this meta-analytic review. To deter-
mine whether research reports were relevant, we read their titles
and abstracts. As shown in the PRISMA flowchart in Figure 1, the
final sample included 320 research reports (each marked with an
asterisk in the References section), which included 437 independ-
ent studies involving 123,043 participants.
Theoretical Moderator Variables
Normal Versus Pathological Narcissism
Pathological narcissism can be determined using the classifica-
tion of NPD or the PNI (Pincus, 2013; Pincus et al. 2009; includ-
ing the brief PNI; Schoenleber et al. 2015).
Narcissism Dimensions
We examined three dimensions of narcissism: (1) entitlement, (2)
grandiose narcissism, and (3) vulnerable narcissism. We also examined
pathological narcissism, which includes elevated levels of both grandi-
osity and vulnerability. To code these different aspects of narcissism,
we used classifications provided by other researchers based on several
different narcissism scales (e.g., Crowe et al., in press; Krizan & Herl-
Figure 1
PRISMA Flowchart of Literature Search
Research reports
identified through
PsycINFO, Medline,
ERIC, PubMed,
ProQuest
(n = 11,862)
Additional research
reports identified
through reference
sections of other
reviews (n = 129)
Research reports
excluded after reading
title/abstract or more
(n = 9,965)
Research reports
excluded due to
duplication
(n = 1,672)
Total number of
research reports
identified
(n = 11,991)
Research reports were
excluded due to
insufficient data
(n = 34)
Research reports
included in the final
review
(n = 320)
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ache, 2018; Weiss et al. 2019; Wright & Edershile, 2018; see Table
SM1 in online supplementary materials).
Because we were interested in dimensions of narcissism that are
often formed using different subscales, we asked 83 authors to
send us correlations for different narcissism subscales and aggres-
sion if they were not included in the original research report. Of
these 83 authors, 43 (52%) responded to our requests and provided
the missing subscale data, 28 (34%) did not respond to our initial
or follow-up e-mail, seven (8%) said the data were inaccessible
(e.g., due to coronavirus disease 2019 [COVID-19], data stored on
an old computer), and five (6%) could not be contacted (e.g., were
deceased, no forwarding e-mail). Thus, the analyses based on sub-
scales should be interpreted with some caution.
Aggression and Violence
This meta-analytic review examined the relation between nar-
cissism and both aggression and violence. In laboratory experi-
ments, the most widely used behavioral measure of aggression is
the competitive reaction time (RT) task (Warburton & Bushman,
2019), where participants deliver unpleasant noise blasts through
headphones to an ostensible opponent each time they beat them on
a RT task. Displaced aggression can also be measured using this
task, but the target is an innocent person rather than the provoca-
teur (e.g., Bushman & Baumeister, 1998; Twenge & Campbell,
2003). The most common self-report measure of aggression is the
Aggression Questionnaire (AQ; Buss & Perry, 1992), which meas-
ures both physical aggression (e.g., “If somebody hits me, I hit
back”) and verbal aggression (e.g., “I can’t help getting into argu-
ments when people disagree with me”). We coded the form of
aggression (i.e., indirect, direct, displaced, physical, verbal, trol-
ling, bullying). For bullying, we coded whether it occurred offline
or online (i.e., cyberbullying).
We also coded the function of aggression (i.e., reactive, proac-
tive). One common self-report measure of reactive, and proactive
aggression is the Reactive-Proactive Aggression Questionnaire
(Raine et al., 2006), which contains 11 items to measure reactive
aggression (e.g., “Gotten angry or mad or hit others when teased”)
and 12 items to measure proactive aggression (e.g., “Had fights
with others to show who was on top”).
Violence is often measured using convictions for violent crimes
(e.g., Fisher & Hall, 2011; Westhead & Egan, 2015). One common
self-report measure of intimate partner violence is the Conflict Tac-
tics Scale (Straus, 1979; e.g., “Kicked, bit, or punched partner”).
Provocation
We coded whether participants were provoked or not. If participants
were provoked, we coded whether the provocation was
status-related (e.g., respect, prominence, or reputation), or affiliation-
related (e.g., belonging, liking, or closeness). A common status-related
provocation consists of giving participants bogus negative feedback
about an essay they wrote (e.g., Bushman & Baumeister, 1998); or
bogus negative results on an intelligence test (e.g., Smalley & Stake,
1996). A common affiliation-related provocation consists of telling
participants that nobody has chosen them as a partner for an upcoming
group task (e.g., Twenge & Campbell, 2003), or excluding them from
a ball-toss game called cyberball (e.g., Chester & DeWall, 2016).
It is important to note that provocation is confounded with the
function of aggression. Specifically, studies that involved provoca-
tion measured reactive aggression.
Exploratory Moderator Variables
Source Characteristics
Publication Status. Publication status (i.e., peer reviewed or
not peer reviewed) was analyzed as a one test of publication bias,
although more formal procedures were also used (see Sensitivity
Analyses portion of Results section).
Year. We coded the year the data were collected. If the
authors did not report the year the data were collected, we coded
the year the article was published.
Participant Characteristics
Gender. If studies reported separate results for males and
females, we coded them separately. If studies did not report sepa-
rate results for males and females, we contacted authors and asked
for the separate results.
Age. We coded the mean age of participants. Some studies
that used students as participants did not report their mean age.
Thus, the mean age of the available student samples in this meta-
analytic review was computed (M = 20.69) and imputed for miss-
ing values.
Student Sample. We coded whether participants were stu-
dents from a university or college or not.
Country. We coded whether participants were from an indi-
vidualistic or collectivistic country.
Design Characteristics
Type of Design. We coded the type of design researchers
used (i.e., experimental, cross-sectional, or longitudinal). Wave 1
of a longitudinal study was coded as a cross-sectional study. If a
longitudinal study included more than two waves of data, waves
after wave 1 were averaged.
Type of Setting. For experiments, we coded whether it was
conducted online, in a laboratory setting, or in a naturalistic field
setting.
Type of Report. We coded whether aggression was assessed
via self-report, other-report (e.g., parent, teacher, peer, or signifi-
cant other), or behavioral observation.
Intercoder Reliability
All studies were coded by two independent raters (the lead
author and trained undergraduate research assistants), called “dou-
ble coding” (Cooper, 2016). To assess intercoder reliability, the
intraclass coefficient was used for continuous characteristics and
the kappa coefficient was used for categorical characteristics
(Orwin & Vevea, 2009). The median reliability coefficient was
.69. The median percent agreement on the coded study characteris-
tics was 81%. Any coding disagreements were resolved via discus-
sion between the two authors.
Analysis Strategy
In this meta-analytic review, both narcissism and aggression
were conceptualized as continuous variables. Thus, the correlation
coefficient was used as the effect-size index. Because the distribu-
tion of the correlation coefficient is not normally distributed unless
the population correlation coefficient equals zero, Fisher’s z-
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transformation was applied to each correlation coefficient before
pooling them. Each z-transformed value was weighted by the
inverse of its variance (i.e., N-3). Thus, larger studies received
more weight when effect-size estimates were combined.
Data were analyzed using Comprehensive Meta-Analysis
(CMA) software (Version 3; Borenstein et al., 2011) and R (R
Core Team, 2020). Random-effects models were used, which
assume that effect sizes differ from population means by both sub-
ject-level sampling error and study-level variability (Borenstein et
al., 2011). Although random-effects models are more conservative
than fixed-effects models, they require fewer statistical assump-
tions and allow for generalizations to a broader set of studies than
only the ones included in the meta-analytic review (Borenstein et
al., 2011).
Conventional meta-analytic methods rely on the assumption
that effect size point estimates are independent (Hedges et al.,
2010). In this meta-analytic review, the independence assumption
was often violated because many studies provided more than one
correlation, resulting in clusters of correlations from these respec-
tive studies. For example, we examined the relation between three
factors of narcissism (i.e., entitlement, grandiose narcissism, vul-
nerable narcissism) and aggression. Some studies measured more
than one factor of narcissism using the same sample of partici-
pants, which violates the independence assumption. In addition.
some studies measured both aggression and violence, both func-
tions of aggression (i.e., reactive and proactive aggression), or
multiple forms of aggression (e.g., physical and verbal aggression)
using the same sample of participants. Other examples include
experiments used within-subjects designs, longitudinal studies that
reported both cross-sectional and longitudinal correlations, and
studies that used both self-report and other-report measures of
aggression. There were 1,048 correlations from the 437 studies.
Thus, we calculated robust variance estimates to adjust standard
errors of dependent effect size point estimates and confidence
intervals (CIs; Hedges et al., 2010; Tipton 2013, 2015) with the
metafor v. 2.4-0 (Viechtbauer, 2010) and robumeta v. 2.0 (Fisher
et al., 2017) packages in R (R Core Team, 2020).
For distributions with fewer than 10 effect sizes, we only pro-
vide descriptive statistics. Most meta-analysts urge caution when
interpreting results from distributions with fewer than 10 effect
sizes (e.g., Kepes et al., 2012; Sterne et al., 2011).
We also conducted comprehensive battery of sensitivity analy-
ses to determine whether the obtained results were robust to publi-
cation bias and outliers. The sensitivity analyses are summarized
after the main results.
Results
Study Characteristics
This meta-analytic review included 437 independent studies
involving 123,043 participants. Of these 437 studies, 360 were
published in peer-reviewed journals and 77 were unpublished. The
studies were conducted between 1985 and 2020. The average age
of participants ranged from 8.3 to 61.7 years. Of the 437 studies,
183 used student samples from colleges or universities, and 254
used nonstudent samples. About 88% of studies were conducted in
individualistic countries.
Overall Results
The average correlation for the 437 studies was .25 with a 95%
CI ranging from .24 to .27, which excludes the value zero. The
25th, 50th, and 75th percentiles were .14, .24, and .33, respec-
tively. As can be seen in the violin plot (see Figure 2), the distribu-
tion is symmetric (i.e., the median and mean are almost identical,
the median cuts the box in half, the whiskers are about the same
length, and the mild outliers are symmetrically distributed in the
two tails of the distribution). The correlations varied widely, rang-
ing from �.39 to .76, suggesting that the study results were hetero-
geneous. Nearly all correlations (94%) were positive.
Although random effects models were used for theoretical rea-
sons, there were also good empirical reasons for using them. The
observed effects were heterogeneous, Q(436) = 3484.31, p ,
.0001. The I2 statistic indicated that 87% of the heterogeneity in
effects was due to between-study differences. According to the
Cochrane Collaboration (Higgins & Green, 2011), an I2 greater
than 75% suggests considerable heterogeneity. The coded charac-
teristics for the individual studies are included in Table SM2 in
online supplemental materials.
The Link Between Narcissism and Aggression and
Violence
The correlation between narcissism and violence, defined as
aggression intended to cause extreme physical harm such as injury
or death (Bushman & Anderson, 2001).was .23 [.18 to .27], k =
65. The correlation between narcissism and less extreme acts of
aggression was .26 [.24, .27], k = 376. The two correlations did
not significantly differ in size, Q(1)= 1.46, p = .23.
Normal Versus Pathological Narcissism
The average correlation between normal narcissism and aggres-
sion was .25 [.23, .27], k = 386. The average correlation between
pathological narcissism and aggression was .29 [.20, .37] for the
21 studies that used NPD and was .28 [.22, .33] for the 30 studies
that used the PNI. The correlations based on the NPD and PNI
were combined (r = .28, [.23, .33], k = 51) because they did not
differ, Q(1)= 0.053, p = . 82. Likewise, normal and pathological
narcissism (i.e., NPD studies plus PNI studies) did not differ in
their relation to aggression, Q(1)= 1.63, p = .20.
Narcissism Dimensions
We examined the relation between three dimensions of narcis-
sism and aggression. The correlation between entitlement, which
is the core of narcissism, and aggression was .26 [.23, .29], k =
100. The correlation between grandiose narcissism and aggression
was .24 [.22, .26], k = 358. The correlation between vulnerable
narcissism and aggression was .26 [.22, .30], k = 89. The magni-
tude of the correlations did not significantly differ, Q(2) = 1.60, p
= .45.
Forms of Aggression
Narcissism was related to indirect aggression (r = .24, [.18,
.29], k = 59), direct aggression (r = .22, [.20, .25], k = 205), and
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displaced aggression (r = .18, [.05, .31], k = 12), and the correla-
tions did not significantly differ in size, Q(2) = 2.52, p = .28.
Narcissism was related to both physical aggression (r = .24,
[.21, .26], k = 175) and verbal aggression (r = .21, [.18, .25], k =
69), and the correlations did not significantly differ in size, Q(1) =
1.03, p = .31.
Narcissism was more strongly related to offline bullying (r =
.29, [.21, .37], k = 21) than to online bullying (i.e., cyberbullying;
r = .20, [.17, .24], k = 18), Q(1) = 4.37, p = .04. However, both
CIs excluded zero. Thus, there was a significant positive relation
between narcissism and bullying both offline and online.
Only nine studies measured the link between narcissism and
trolling. Descriptively, these nine studies found a significant posi-
tive correlation between narcissism and trolling, r = .19 [.14, .24].
Functions of Aggression
The average correlation between narcissism and proactive
aggression (r = .34, [.30, .38], k = 59) was stronger than the aver-
age correlation between narcissism and reactive aggression (r =
.26, [.24, .29]), k = 179, Q(1) = 10.99, p = .001. However, both
CIs excluded zero. Thus, there was a significant positive relation
between narcissism and both cold-blooded and hot-headed
aggression.
To more directly examine this moderator, we also analyzed the
32 studies that measured both reactive and proactive aggression
using the same sample of participants via the Reactive-Proactive
Aggression Questionnaire (Raine et al., 2006). This analysis found
that the relationship between narcissism and proactive aggression
(r = .30, [.26, .34]) did not differ from the relationship between
Figure 2
Violin Plot
Note. The density of the distribution at a given correlation is denoted by its width. The
mean correlation is denoted by a solid line, and the 95% confidence interval (CI) bounds are
denoted by dashed lines. The center of the violin plot contains a boxplot. Mild outliers
are denoted by solid black circles. There were no extreme outliers. See the online article for
the color version of this figure.
484 KJÆRVIK AND BUSHMAN
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narcissism and reactive aggression (r = .29, [.24, .34]), Q(1) =
0.13, p = .72.
Provocation
A total of 38 studies included both a provocation condition
and a no provocation condition. As expected, narcissism was
more strongly related to aggression under provocation condi-
tions (r = .29, [.23, .36]) than under no provocation conditions
(r = .12, [.05, .18]), Q(1) = 9.84, p = .002. However, both CIs
excluded the value zero. Thus, there was a significant positive
relation between narcissism and aggression even in the ab-
sence of provocation.
An additional 20 studies included only a provocation condition.
Of the 58 studies that included some form of provocation, 55
could be coded status-related (e.g., respect, prominence, or reputa-
tion) or affiliation-related (e.g., belonging, liking, or closeness).
Contrary to the SPIN model (Grapsas et al., 2020), narcissism was
more strongly related to aggression when the provocation was
affiliation-related (r = .39, [.28, .48], k = 20) than when the provo-
cation was status-related (r = .22, [.17, .27], k = 35), Q(1) = 7.56,
p = .006. However, both CIs excluded zero. Thus, there was a sig-
nificant positive relation between narcissism and aggression
regardless of whether the provocation was affiliation-related or
status-related.
Source Characteristics
Year
The year the data were collected did not significantly influ-
ence the magnitude of the relation between narcissism and
aggression, b = �.0005, [�.0033, .0022], k = 437. Likewise,
the year the data were collected from student samples did not
significantly influence the magnitude of the relation between
narcissism and aggression, b = �.0003, [�.0034, .0028], k =
183. Thus, the association between narcissism and aggression
was stable over the years examined (1985 to 2020) for all sam-
ples and for student samples.
Publication Status
The average correlation did not differ for published (r = .26,
[.24, .27], k = 360) and unpublished (r = .24, [.20, .27], k = 77)
studies, Q(1) = 0.95, p = .33. Thus, publication bias did not
contaminate the meta-analytic results using this measure (for
other measures see Sensitivity Analyses portion of Results
section).
Participants Characteristics
Gender
The relation between narcissism and aggression did not signifi-
cantly differ for males (r = .24, [.20, .27], k = 108) and females
(r = .21, [.16, .26], k = 51), Q(1) = 0.58, p = .45.
Age
Participant age did not significantly influence the magnitude of
the relationship between narcissism and aggression, b �.0004
[.0010, �.0024], k = 427. Thus, the link between narcissism and
aggression was stable across the ages studied (mean ages ranged
from 8.3 to 61.7 years). The remaining 10 studies did not report
mean age of participants.
University Students
The link between narcissism and aggression was slightly but
significantly larger for nonstudent samples (r = .27, [.25, .29], k =
254) than for student samples (r = .23, [.21, .25], k = 183), Q(1) =
5.15, p = .02. However, both CIs excluded zero. Thus, there was a
significant positive relation between narcissism and aggression for
both students and nonstudents.
Country
The average correlation between narcissism and aggression did
not significantly differ for participants from individualistic coun-
tries (r = .25, [.23, .27], k = 384) and those from collectivistic
countries (r = .26, [.21, .31], k = 50), Q(1) = 0.14, p = .71.
Design Characteristics
Type of Design
Narcissism was positively related to aggression in cross-sec-
tional studies (r = .26, [.24, .28], k = 358), experimental studies
(r = .22, [.18, .26], k = 76), and longitudinal studies (r = .19, [.11,
.27], k = 13). The between-groups test was significant, Q(2) =
7.21, p = .03. However, all three CIs excluded zero. Thus, there
was a significant positive relation between narcissism and aggres-
sion regardless of the type of design researchers used.
Type of Setting
For experimental studies, we coded whether the setting was
online, in a laboratory, or in the field. However, there were no field
experiments, and only seven online experiments, which had an av-
erage correlation of .29 [.23, .34]. The 69 lab experiments had an
average correlation of .20 [.16, .24].
Type of Report
We coded whether aggression was assessed via self-report, other-
report (e.g., parent, teacher, peer, or significant other), or behavioral ob-
servation. The correlation was largest for other-report measures (r = .30,
[.22, .35], k = 48), followed by self-report measures (r = .26, [.24, .27], k
= 312), followed by behavioral measures (r = .21, [.17, .25], k = 93).
The between-groups test was significant, Q(2) = 6.28, p = .04. However,
all three CIs excluded the value zero. Thus, there was a significant posi-
tive relation between narcissism and aggression regardless of the type of
report used to measure aggression.
Sensitivity Analyses
We conducted sensitivity analyses to assess whether publication
bias, outliers, or both affected our results. Both publication bias
and outliers can adversely affect meta-analytic results and associ-
ated conclusions (Kepes et al., 2013). In fact, publication bias has
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been referred to as the potentially greatest threat to the validity of
meta-analytic results (Rothstein et al., 2005). We performed a
comprehensive battery of sensitivity analyses to determine the
degree to which our obtained results were affected by publication
bias, outliers, or both (e.g., Kepes et al., 2017).
All sensitivity analyses were conducted using Comprehensive
Meta-Analysis (Borenstein et al., 2011) and R syntax (Kepes &
McDaniel, 2015; Viechtbauer, 2017). First, we calculated the na-
ïve observed meta-analysis mean estimate (�roÞ for each distribu-
tion as well as the associated statistics (e.g., 95% CI, 90%
prediction interval [PI], weighted sum of squared deviations from
the mean, ratio of true heterogeneity to total variation). By “na-
ïve,” we mean the meta-analytic results without any “adjustment”
for potential biases (Copas & Shi, 2000). Next, we conducted a
one sample removed analyses to examine the influence of each
individual effect size on the obtained meta-analytic results. Then,
we assessed the potential for publication bias in each distribution.
We used several methods, including trim-and-fill (fixed effects
and random effect), cumulative meta-analysis (Kepes et al., 2017),
selection models (Vevea & Woods, 2005), PET-PEESE, and influ-
ence diagnostics to identify potential outliers. All identified
outlier(s) were excluded, and we reran all publication bias meth-
ods. Thus, when outliers were identified we performed all publica-
tion bias methods twice: (1) once on the original distribution, and
(2) once on the distribution without identified outlier(s). Then, the
results were averaged before making any conclusions. Specifi-
cally, when determining whether a particular naïve mean estimate
was robust to the presence of publication bias and/or outliers, we
calculated the average and the median estimates of all five publica-
tion bias methods with and without outliers. We used the median
as well as the average because the median minimizes the potential
undue influence of an estimate from any individual method on the
overall results and conclusions. To estimate the severity of poten-
tial publication bias, we used guidelines suggested by other schol-
ars (Kepes et al., 2012; Kepes & McDaniel, 2015). Specifically,
we calculated the difference between the naïve estimate and the
average estimates of all five publication bias methods with and
without outliers, as well as the corresponding percent change dif-
ference. Any change of more than 20% was considered “moder-
ate” and any change of more than 40% was considered “severe.”
In addition to the cumulative meta-analysis by precision (Kepes
et al., 2012), we reported the cumulative meta-analytic mean of
the most precise effect sizes. For the selection models, a prior
models with p value cut-points were used to model moderate and
severe instances of publication bias (Vevea & Woods, 2005). Pub-
lication bias assessment methods were not used on distributions
containing 10 or fewer effect sizes because all methods become
less stable with small samples (Kepes et al., 2012).
The results from the sensitivity analyses are displayed in Table
1. Columns 1–3 display the distribution analyzed, the number of
samples (k), and the number of participants (N). Columns 4–10
report the naïve meta-analytic results, including the random effects
(RE) meta-analytic mean (�roÞ, the 95% CI, the 90% PI, Cochran’s
Q statistics, I2, tau (s), and the one-sample removed statistics (me-
dian mean, minimum, or maximum). Column 11–18 display the
results from the trim-and-fill analyses; for the fixed effects (FE) as
well as the RE model. For each model, the table includes the side
of the funnel plot on which the imputed samples are located
(FPS), the number of imputed samples (ik), the trim-and-fill
adjusted mean effect size (t&fFE �ro, t&fRE�roÞ, and the respective
95% CI. Column 19 contains the cumulative mean for the five
most precise samples (pr5�roÞ. Columns 20 and 21 contain the
results from the moderate (smm�roÞ and severe (sms�roÞ selection
models. Column 22 contains the result of the PET-PEESE (pp�ro)
analysis. Figures SM1 to SM36 in online supplemental materials
contain forest plots that display the cumulative meta-analyses and
funnel plots that display the magnitude of the effect size by preci-
sion, with trim-and-fill imputations (for interpretation guidelines,
see Kepes et al., 2012). CIs and Q-tests for correlated effects are
based on robust variance estimates.
Neither publication bias nor outliers appear to influence the overall
effect size. It could be overestimated by an average of .02 (7%). As
can be seen in the violin plot (see Figure 2), there were no extreme
outliers in the data set. The mild outliers were evenly distributed in the
positive and negative distribution tails. Removing these 12 mild out-
liers did not change the naïve mean correlation or the CI limits.
Many other distributions were not affected by publication bias or
outliers. Most of the aggression distributions were unaffected by publi-
cation bias or outliers, including the distributions for aggression, nearly
all forms of aggression (i.e., indirect aggression, displaced aggression,
physical aggression, verbal aggression, bullying, cyberbullying), both
functions of aggression (i.e., reactive aggression, proactive aggression),
and provoked aggression regardless of whether the provocation was
affiliation-related or status-related. None of the narcissism distributions
were affected by publication bias or outliers (i.e., normal narcissism,
pathological narcissism, entitlement, grandiose narcissism, vulnerable
narcissism). The distributions for both published and unpublished stud-
ies were unaffected by publication bias or outliers. Many distributions
for participant characteristics were unaffected by publication bias,
including the distributions for males, students, nonstudents, and partici-
pants from both individualistic and collectivistic countries. The distri-
butions for all three types of research designs (i.e., experimental, cross-
sectional, longitudinal) were unaffected by publication bias or outliers.
Finally, the distribution for self-report measures of aggression was
unaffected by publication bias or outliers.
However, some distributions were affected by publication bias
and/or outliers. After deletion of identified outliers and removal of
publication bias, the naïve mean correlation for violence (r = .23)
might be overestimated by .04 to .16 (20–70%)
1
and the naïve
mean correlation for unprovoked aggression (r = .12) might be
overestimated by .05 to .07 (50–62%). Other distributions were
affected mainly by publication bias. After removal of publication
bias, the naïve mean correlation for direct aggression (r = .22)
might have been underestimated by .02 (8%) or overestimated by
.08 (38%), the naïve mean correlation for females (r = .21) might
1
For example, the mean naïve correlation for violence was r = .23 with
outliers and r = .21 without outliers (see Table 1). The text states these
estimates “might be overestimated by .04 to .16 (20– 70%).” We calculated
these values as follows. For these calculations we use three digits to avoid
rounding error, although we only report 2 digits in the text. First, we
calculated the average estimates of all five publication bias methods with
outliers [(.16 þ .23 þ .19 -.42 þ .18)/5 = .068] and without outliers [(.15 þ
.21 þ .18 þ .12 þ .18)/5 = .168]. Next, we subtracted these average
estimates from the naïve mean with outliers (.23 – .068 = .162) and without
outliers (.21 – .168 = .042) to obtain the average differences. To obtain the
percentages, we divided the average differences by the mean naïve
correlation with outliers (.162/.23 = .70 = 70%) and without outliers (.042/
.21 = .20 = 20%).
486 KJÆRVIK AND BUSHMAN
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6
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8
[.
20
,.
35
]
R
3
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1
[.
14
,.
28
]
.2
7
.1
7
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4
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2
D
es
ig
n
ty
pe
of
se
tt
in
g
L
ab
69
5,
56
3
.2
0
[.
16
,.
24
]
�.
01
,.
40
15
4.
87
56
.0
9
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0
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0,
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1
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13
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[.
21
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3
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7
�.
38
.3
2
(t
a
b
le
co
n
ti
n
u
es
)
488 KJÆRVIK AND BUSHMAN
T
hi
s
do
cu
m
en
t
is
co
py
ri
gh
te
d
by
th
e
A
m
er
ic
an
P
sy
ch
ol
og
ic
al
A
ss
oc
ia
ti
on
or
on
e
of
it
s
al
li
ed
pu
bl
is
he
rs
.
T
hi
s
ar
ti
cl
e
is
in
te
nd
ed
so
le
ly
fo
r
th
e
pe
rs
on
al
us
e
of
th
e
in
di
vi
du
al
us
er
an
d
is
no
t
to
be
di
ss
em
in
at
ed
br
oa
dl
y.
have been overestimated by .13 to .14 (64–68%), the naïve
mean correlation for laboratory studies of aggression (r =
.20) might have been overestimated by .08 (39–40%), the na-
ïve mean correlation for other reports of aggression (r = .30)
might have been overestimated by .08 to .15 (38–52%) and
the naïve mean correlation for behavioral measures of aggres-
sion (r = .21) might have been overestimated by .08 to .11
(37–57%).
Discussion
This meta-analytic review found a significant positive rela-
tionship between narcissism and aggression. The average cor-
relation was, r = .25, which is close to Cohen’s (1988)
conventional value for a “medium” effect (r = .30) and to
Lipsey and Wilson’s (1993) empirical value for the 75th per-
centile in the social sciences (r = .30). It exceeds the r = .12
benchmark value, which is reserved for effects labeled signif-
icant, important, notable, or consequential (Promising Prac-
tices Network, 2014). Thus, the link between narcissism and
aggression is not trivial in size.
Both normal and pathological narcissism were related to
aggression, and the correlations did not significantly differ in
size. These findings suggest that narcissism levels need not
be pathological to be a risk factor for aggression.
Narcissism is not a unitary construct, and scholars have
identified a core component of narcissism (i.e., entitlement),
as well as the two peripheral components (i.e., grandiose nar-
cissism, vulnerable narcissism). In this meta-analytic review,
all three components of narcissism were related to aggres-
sion, and the correlations were of similar size. These findings
suggest that entitlement, grandiose narcissism, and vulnerable
narcissism are all risk factors for aggression.
Narcissism was related to all forms of aggression measured
in the studies included in this meta-analytic review (i.e.,
direct, indirect, displaced, physical, verbal, bullying offline
and online, trolling). Thus, individuals high in narcissism are
not particularly picky when it comes to how they aggress
against others. However, more research is needed to ascertain
the relation between narcissism and trolling, which was
measured in only nine studies.
Narcissism was also related to both reactive and proactive
aggression. Thus, individuals with high levels of narcissism
are inclined to engage in both annoyance-based and incen-
tive-based aggression. As noted previously, the two types of
aggression are highly correlated, and aggression often has
mixed motives (see Bushman & Anderson, 2001).
The correlation between narcissism and violence was only
slightly smaller (r = .23) than the correlation between narcis-
sism and less serious forms of aggression (r = .26). Thus, nar-
cissism is also a risk factor for violent behavior. This finding
is consistent with other research suggesting that narcissism
might be a risk factor for extremely violent acts such as mass
shootings (Bushman, 2018).
As expected, provocation was a key moderator of the link
between narcissism and aggression. Individuals high in nar-
cissism are especially likely to aggress against others when
they are provoked, insulted, humiliated, criticized, orT
ab
le
1
(c
o
n
ti
n
u
ed
)
M
et
a-
an
al
ys
is
P
ub
li
ca
ti
on
bi
as
an
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ys
es
F
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tr
im
an
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(w
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N
o
te
.
w
/o
=
w
it
ho
ut
ou
tl
ie
rs
;
k
=
nu
m
be
r
of
co
rr
el
at
io
n
co
ef
fi
ci
en
ts
in
th
e
an
al
yz
ed
di
st
ri
bu
ti
on
.
W
he
n
k
,
10
,
th
e
di
st
ri
bu
ti
on
w
as
no
t
an
al
yz
ed
be
ca
us
e
th
e
nu
m
be
r
of
st
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s
w
as
to
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l.
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=
m
et
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al
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ic
sa
m
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e
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;
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=
ra
nd
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w
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ob
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co
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n;
90
%
P
I
=
90
%
pr
ed
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ti
on
in
te
rv
al
;
Q
=
w
ei
gh
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d
su
m
of
sq
ua
re
d
de
vi
at
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ns
fr
om
th
e
m
ea
n;
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=
ra
ti
o
of
tr
ue
he
te
r-
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en
ei
ty
to
to
ta
l
va
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tw
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sa
m
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da
rd
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=
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im
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=
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-a
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;
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P
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=
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(i
.e
.,
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de
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nn
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in
w
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ch
sa
m
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w
er
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pu
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d;
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=
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;
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=
ri
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t)
;
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=
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fF
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%
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=
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tr
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ts
tr
im
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nd
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l–
ad
ju
st
ed
95
%
co
nf
id
en
ce
in
te
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al
;
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M
A
=
cu
m
ul
at
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e
m
et
a-
an
al
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is
;
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5
r� o
=
m
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t
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’s
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se
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ed
m
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sm
s
r� o
=
on
e-
ta
il
ed
se
ve
re
se
le
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m
od
el
’s
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st
ed
ob
se
rv
ed
m
ea
n;
P
E
T
-P
E
E
S
E
=
pr
ec
is
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n-
ef
fe
ct
te
st
–
pr
ec
is
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n
ef
fe
ct
es
ti
m
at
e
w
it
h
st
an
da
rd
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ro
r;
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E
T
-P
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S
E
r� o
=
P
E
T
-P
E
E
S
E
ad
ju
st
ed
ob
se
rv
ed
m
ea
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n/
a
=
no
t
ap
pl
ic
ab
le
(b
ec
au
se
sm
s
r� o
pr
es
en
te
d
no
ns
en
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ca
l
re
su
lt
s
be
ca
us
e
of
hi
gh
va
ri
an
ce
es
ti
m
at
es
).
C
Is
,
P
Is
,
an
d
Q
s
fo
r
co
rr
el
at
ed
ef
fe
ct
s
ar
e
ba
se
d
on
ro
bu
st
va
ri
an
ce
es
ti
m
at
es
.
NARCISSISM AND AGGRESSION: A META-ANALYTIC REVIEW 489
T
hi
s
do
cu
m
en
t
is
co
py
ri
gh
te
d
by
th
e
A
m
er
ic
an
P
sy
ch
ol
og
ic
al
A
ss
oc
ia
ti
on
or
on
e
of
it
s
al
li
ed
pu
bl
is
he
rs
.
T
hi
s
ar
ti
cl
e
is
in
te
nd
ed
so
le
ly
fo
r
th
e
pe
rs
on
al
us
e
of
th
e
in
di
vi
du
al
us
er
an
d
is
no
t
to
be
di
ss
em
in
at
ed
br
oa
dl
y.
threatened by others. However, people high in narcissism are
prone to aggression even when they are not provoked.
Robustness of Effects
The relation between narcissism and aggression was stable over
time (i.e., 1985 to 2020), including for student samples. There
were no gender differences in the magnitude of the relation
between narcissism and aggression, suggesting that both males
and females high in narcissism tend to be aggressive. However, it
is important to note that this does not contradict research showing
that males on average are more narcissistic than females (Grijalva
et al., 2015), that males on average are more physically aggressive
than females (Archer, 2004), and that males commit more violent
crimes than females (Grijalva et al., 2015; Heimer, 2000).
Further, participant age did not influence the magnitude of the
relation between narcissism and aggression. However, very few
studies included older participants. In this meta-analytic review,
mean participant ages ranged from 8.3 to 61.7 years. Prior research
has shown that narcissism levels decrease with age (Foster, Camp-
bell, & Twenge, 2003; Trzesniewski & Donnellan, 2010), and nar-
cissistic aggression might also decrease with age. Previous
research has shown that people over age 65 have low narcissism
levels (Carter & Douglass, 2018), which is outside the mean age
range included in this meta-analytic review. Thus, future research
should examine narcissistic aggression in older people.
This meta-analytic review also challenges the assumption that
results from student and nonstudent populations are substantially
different. Narcissism was positively correlated with aggression in
both student and nonstudent samples, although the correlation was
slightly larger for nonstudents (r = .27) than for students (r = .23).
Globally, the relation between narcissism and aggression did
not differ for people from individualistic and collectivistic coun-
tries. However, only 12% of the studies were conducted in collec-
tivistic countries. Scholars have proposed that individuals high in
narcissism from individualistic countries might behave more
aggressively than individuals high in narcissism from collectivistic
countries (Foster, Shrira, & Campbell, 2003). Although this hy-
pothesis was not supported in this meta-analytic review, more
research is needed on the link between narcissism and aggression
in collectivistic countries to provide a stronger test of this
hypothesis.
Results converged for experimental cross-sectional, and longitu-
dinal studies, indicating a triangulation of evidence across differ-
ent research designs. The term triangulation comes from
surveying techniques that determine the location of a single point
with the convergence of measurements taken from two different
points (Rothbauer, 2008). The idea behind triangulation is that one
can get a more accurate view of relation between two variables
when different methodological approaches yield similar results.
The results also were relatively robust to publication bias and
outliers.
Theoretical Implications
Theoretically, these findings are consistent with the threatened
egotism model (Baumeister et al., 1996). As expected, the relation
between narcissism and aggression was much stronger when par-
ticipants were provoked than when they were not provoked. These
findings suggest that individuals high in narcissism have “thin
skins” (i.e., fragile egos) when others threaten, criticize, humiliate,
or shame them. Narcissism was positively related to aggression
even in the absence of provocation. This finding has interesting
theoretical implications. Perhaps seeing others as inferior beings is
sufficient to ignite aggression in individuals high in narcissism,
even in the absence of provocation.
Contrary to the SPIN model (Grapsas et al., 2020), the relation
between narcissism and aggression was weaker for status-related
provocations than for affiliation-related provocations. However,
both types of provocations increased narcissistic aggression.
However, most studies that examined the link between narcis-
sism and provoked aggression were conducted in laboratory set-
tings with student samples. Thus, future studies should investigate
the influence of provocation on the narcissism-aggression link
using other samples (e.g., children, older adults) in other settings
(e.g., online, field).
When examining the relation between narcissism and aggres-
sion, it appears that all three dimensions are related to aggression
(i.e., entitlement, grandiose narcissism, vulnerable narcissism). It
is not just individuals who are high in entitlement and grandiose
narcissism that lash out aggressively against others; people who
are high in vulnerable narcissism do that too.
Narcissism was also related to all forms of aggression studied.
Individuals high in narcissism tend to be more aggressive across
the board, especially when they are provoked.
Narcissism was also related to both functions of aggression.
These findings suggests that individuals high in narcissism do not
just aggress against others in an impulsive, hostile, and reactive
manner. They also aggress against others in a cold, calculated,
deliberate, instrumental, and proactive manner.
Conclusion
This meta-analytic review suggests that narcissism is an important
risk factor for both aggression and violence. People high in narcissism
believe they are special people who deserve special treatment. They
think they are the “center of the universe.” When they do not get the
“expected” special treatment they think they are entitled to, they tend
to lash out at others in an aggressive manner. Individuals high in nar-
cissism also have “thin skins” (i.e., fragile egos). They are especially
likely to aggress against others when they are provoked, insulted,
humiliated, criticized, or threatened by others. However, they are also
prone to aggression when they are not provoked. They not only
aggress against others in a “hot-headed” manner. They also aggress
against others a “cold-hearted” manner.
References
References marked with an asterisk are research reports included in the
meta-analyses.
*Allen, J. L., Briskman, J., Humayun, S., Dadds, M. R., & Scott, S.
(2013). Heartless and cunning? Intelligence in adolescents with antiso-
cial behavior and psychopathic traits. Psychiatry Research, 210(3),
1147–1153. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2013.08.033
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical
manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
*Ang, R. P., Huan, V. S., Li, X., & Chan, W. T. (2016). Factor structure
and invariance of the Reactive and Proactive Aggression Questionnaire
in a large sample of young adolescents in Singapore. Child Psychiatry
490 KJÆRVIK AND BUSHMAN
T
hi
s
do
cu
m
en
t
is
co
py
ri
gh
te
d
by
th
e
A
m
er
ic
an
P
sy
ch
ol
og
ic
al
A
ss
oc
ia
ti
on
or
on
e
of
it
s
al
li
ed
pu
bl
is
he
rs
.
T
hi
s
ar
ti
cl
e
is
in
te
nd
ed
so
le
ly
fo
r
th
e
pe
rs
on
al
us
e
of
th
e
in
di
vi
du
al
us
er
an
d
is
no
t
to
be
di
ss
em
in
at
ed
br
oa
dl
y.
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492 KJÆRVIK AND BUSHMAN
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Received August 26, 2019
Revision received February 3, 2021
Accepted February 3, 2021 n
NARCISSISM AND AGGRESSION: A META-ANALYTIC REVIEW 503
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- The Link Between Narcissism and Aggression: A Meta-Analytic Review
- Outline placeholder
- Narcissism Is Not a Dichotomy
- Narcissism Is Not a Unitary Construct
- Pathological Levels of Narcissism
- Aggression and Violence
- Narcissism and Aggression
- Provocation
- Exploratory Moderator Variables
- Source Characteristics
- Participant Characteristics
- Design Characteristics
- Previous Meta-Analytic Reviews
- Method
- Literature Search
- Inclusion Criteria
- Preferred Reporting Items for Systematic Reviews and Meta-Analyses (PRISMA) Flowchart
- Theoretical Moderator Variables
- Normal Versus Pathological Narcissism
- Narcissism Dimensions
- Aggression and Violence
- Provocation
- Exploratory Moderator Variables
- Source Characteristics
- Participant Characteristics
- Design Characteristics
- Intercoder Reliability
- Analysis Strategy
- Results
- Study Characteristics
- Overall Results
- The Link Between Narcissism and Aggression and Violence
- Normal Versus Pathological Narcissism
- Narcissism Dimensions
- Forms of Aggression
- Functions of Aggression
- Provocation
- Source Characteristics
- Year
- Publication Status
- Participants Characteristics
- Gender
- Age
- University Students
- Country
- Design Characteristics
- Type of Design
- Type of Setting
- Type of Report
- Sensitivity Analyses
- Discussion
- Robustness of Effects
- Theoretical Implications
- Conclusion
- References
Intimate
Relationships
NINTH EDITION
Rowland S. Miller
Sam Houston State University
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 1 12/01/21 7:55 PM
INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
Published by McGraw Hill LLC, 1325 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10121. Copyright ©2022
by McGraw Hill LLC. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this
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miL39779_ise_ii.indd 2 11/01/21 5:08 PM
iii
Contents
PREFACE ix
ABOUT THE AUTHOR xii
1. The Building Blocks of Relationships 1
the nature and importance of intimacy 2
the influence of culture 6
the influence of experience 14
the influence of individual differences 20
the influence of human nature 37
the influence of interaction 41
the dark side of relationships 42
for your consideration 42
key terms 43
chapter summary 43
suggestions for satisfaction 45
references 45
2. Research Methods 59
the short history of relationship science 60
developing a question 64
obtaining participants 64
choosing a design 68
the nature of our data 70
the ethics of such endeavors 76
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 3 12/01/21 7:55 PM
iv Contents
interpreting and integrating results 78
a final note 80
for your consideration 80
key terms 81
chapter summary 81
suggestions for satisfaction 82
references 82
3. Attraction 87
the fundamental basis of attraction 87
proximity: liking those near us 88
physical attractiveness: liking those who are lovely 94
reciprocity: liking those who like us 105
similarity: liking those who are like us 107
so, what do men and women want? 116
for your consideration 119
key terms 119
chapter summary 119
suggestions for satisfaction 121
references 121
4. Social Cognition 133
first impressions (and beyond) 133
the power of perceptions 140
impression management 156
so, just how well do we know our partners? 161
for your consideration 166
key terms 166
chapter summary 167
suggestions for satisfaction 168
references 169
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 4 12/01/21 7:55 PM
Contents v
5. Communication 179
nonverbal communication 181
verbal communication 193
dysfunctional communication and what to do about it 203
for your consideration 209
key terms 209
chapter summary 209
suggestions for satisfaction 211
references 211
6. Interdependency 221
social exchange 221
the economies of relationships 229
are we really this greedy? 241
the nature of commitment 249
for your consideration 254
key terms 255
chapter summary 255
suggestions for satisfaction 257
references 257
7. Friendship 266
the nature of friendship 266
friendship across the life cycle 275
differences in friendship 279
friendship difficulties 285
for your consideration 295
key terms 296
chapter summary 296
suggestions for satisfaction 297
references 298
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 5 12/01/21 7:55 PM
vi Contents
8. Love 308
a brief history of love 308
types of love 310
individual and cultural differences in love 327
does love last? 331
for your consideration 335
key terms 336
chapter summary 336
suggestions for satisfaction 337
references 337
9. Sexuality 343
sexual attitudes 343
sexual behavior 348
sexual satisfaction 366
sexual coercion 374
for your consideration 377
key terms 377
chapter summary 377
suggestions for satisfaction 379
references 379
10. Stresses and Strains 395
perceived relational value 395
hurt feelings 397
ostracism 400
jealousy 402
deception and lying 413
betrayal 417
forgiveness 421
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 6 12/01/21 7:55 PM
Contents vii
for your consideration 423
key terms 424
chapter summary 424
suggestions for satisfaction 426
references 426
11. Conflict 436
the nature of conflict 436
the course of conflict 440
the outcomes of conflict 454
for your consideration 459
key terms 460
chapter summary 460
suggestions for satisfaction 461
references 462
12. Power and Violence 468
power and interdependence 468
violence in relationships 482
for your consideration 493
key terms 493
chapter summary 493
suggestions for satisfaction 495
references 495
13. The Dissolution and Loss of Relationships 503
the changing rate of divorce 503
the predictors of divorce 509
breaking up 519
the aftermath of breakups 523
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viii Contents
for your consideration 533
key terms 533
chapter summary 533
suggestions for satisfaction 535
references 535
14. Maintaining and Repairing Relationships 544
maintaining and enhancing relationships 546
repairing relationships 554
in conclusion 563
for your consideration 564
key terms 564
chapter summary 565
suggestions for satisfaction 566
references 566
AUTHOR INDEX I-1
SUBJECT INDEX I-26
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 8 12/01/21 7:55 PM
ix
Preface to the Ninth Edition
Welcome to Intimate Relationships! I’m very pleased that you’re here. I’ve been deeply
honored by the high regard this book has enjoyed, and I’m privileged to offer you
another very thorough update on the remarkable work being done in relationship
science. The field is busier, broader, and more innovative than ever, so a new edition
is warranted—and this one contains almost 800 citations of brand-new work published
in the last 3 years. No other survey of relationship science is as current, comprehen-
sive, and complete.
Readers report that you won’t find another textbook that’s as much fun to read,
either. I’m more delighted by that than I can easily express. This is a scholarly work
primarily intended to provide college audiences with broad coverage of an entire field
of inquiry, but it’s written in a friendly, accessible style that gets students to read
chapters they haven’t been assigned—and that’s a real mark of success! But really,
that’s also not surprising because so much of relationship science is so fascinating.
No other science strikes closer to home. For that reason, and given its welcoming,
reader-friendly style, this book has proven to be of interest to the general public, too.
(As my father said, “Everybody should read this book.”)
So, here’s a new edition. It contains whole chapters on key topics that other books
barely mention and has a much wider reach, citing hundreds more studies, than other
books do. It draws on social psychology, communication studies, family studies,
sociology, clinical psychology, neuroscience, demography, economics, and more. It’s
much more current and comprehensive and more fun to read than any other overview
of the modern science of close relationships. Welcome!
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 9 12/01/21 7:55 PM
x Preface to the Ninth Edition
What’s New in This Edition
Two new features have enhanced the pedagogy and increased the lasting value of the
book. Key Terms that are introduced are now listed at the end of each chapter alongside
the page numbers that provide their definitions. And more importantly, the insights of
each chapter are now synthesized into applied Suggestions for Satisfaction from
relationship science that offer readers helpful recommendations that can improve their
chances for contentment in their own relationships. (The Suggestions also provide
instructors with starting points for enlightening discussions!)
In addition, as usual, after thorough, substantive revision, this new edition is remark-
ably up-to-date and cutting-edge. It contains 796 (!) new references that support new or
expanded treatment of a variety of intriguing and noteworthy topics that include:
Tinder Sexual rejections
Humility Implicit attitudes
Flooding Facial expressions
Savoring Life History Theory
Stealthing Friends with benefits
Selfishness Commitment readiness
Remarriage Traditional masculinity
Foodie calls Back burner relationships
Social media Satisficers and maximizers
Transference Transgenders’ relationships
Open science Consensual non-monogamy
The Dark Triad Evolutionary perspective on attraction
Further, in substantially expanded discussions of gender and sexual orientation,
the book now quietly but explicitly rejects any assumptions that there are just two
genders or that heterosexual relationships are in some fashion more genuine than
same-sex partnerships. Both assumptions, of course, are simply untrue. I’ll also note
in particular the book’s brand-new consideration of transgenders’ relationships and
consensual non-monogamy; both topics have been of interest to relationship scientists
since my last edition, and there’s now news to share with you.
What Hasn’t Changed
If you’re familiar with the eighth edition of this book, you’ll find things in the same
places. Vital influences on intimate relationships are introduced in chapter 1, and when
they are mentioned in later chapters, footnotes remind readers where to find definitions
that will refresh their memories.
Thought-provoking Points to Ponder appear in each chapter, too. They invite read-
ers to think more deeply about intriguing phenomena, and they can serve equally well
as touchstones for class discussion, topics for individual essays, and personal reflections
regarding one’s own behavior in close relationships.
The book’s singular style also remains intact. There’s someone here behind these
pages. I occasionally break the third wall, speaking directly to the reader, both to be
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 10 12/01/21 7:55 PM
Preface to the Ninth Edition xi
friendly and to make some key points (and because I can’t help myself). I relish the
opportunity to introduce this dynamic, exciting science to a newcomer—what a remark-
able privilege!—and readers report that it shows.
Finally, this new edition is again available as a digital SmartBook that offers a
personalized and adaptive reading experience. Students do better when their text tells
them which concepts are giving them trouble, so if you haven’t examined the Smart-
Book for Intimate Relationships, I encourage you to do so.
Kudos and fond remembrance are due to Sharon Stephens Brehm, the original
creator of this book, who was the first person to write a text that offered a compre-
hensive introduction to relationship science. Her contributions to our field endure. And
despite the passage of some years, I remain deeply grateful to Dan Perlman, the co-
author who offered me the opportunity to join him in crafting a prior edition. No
colleague could be more generous. I’ve also been grateful during this edition for the
wonderful support and assistance of editorial and production professionals, Elisa
Odoardi, Susan Raley, Carrie Burger, Beth Blech, Danielle Clement, Maria McGreal,
and Jitendra Uniyal. Thanks, y’all!
And I’m glad you’re here! I hope you enjoy the book.
The 9th edition of Intimate Relationships is now available online with Connect,
McGraw-Hill Education’s integrated assignment and assessment platform. Connect also
offers SmartBook® 2.0 for the new edition, which is the first adaptive reading experi-
ence proven to improve grades and help students study more effectively. All of the title’s
website and ancillary content is also available through Connect, including:
• A full Test Bank of multiple choice questions that test students on central concepts
and ideas in each chapter.
• An Instructor’s Manual for each chapter with full chapter outlines, sample test
questions, and discussion topics.
• Lecture Slides for instructor use in class.
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 11 12/01/21 7:55 PM
xii
About the Author
Rowland S. Miller is Distinguished Regents Professor
Emeritus of Psychology at Sam Houston State Univer-
sity in Huntsville, Texas. He has been teaching a
course in Close Relationships for over 35 years, and
he won the 2008 Teaching Award from the Interna-
tional Association for Relationship Research (primar-
ily as a result of this book). He’s also been recognized
as one of the most outstanding college teachers in
Texas by the Minnie Stevens Piper Foundation, which
named him a Piper Professor of 2016. He is a Fellow
of the Association for Psychological Science and the
Society for Personality and Social Psychology, and he
won the Edwin Newman Award for Excellence in
Research from Psi Chi and the American Psychological
Association. His parents were happily married for
73 years, and he’d like to have as long with his wonder-
ful wife, Carolyn, to whom this book is dedicated; she was a huge help behind the
scenes, talking the author out of (nearly) all of his bad ideas.
Courtesy of Carolyn A. Miller
miL04267_fm_i-xvi.indd 12 12/01/21 7:55 PM
About the Author xiii
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Contents xv
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1
C H A P T E R 1
The Building Blocks of
Relationships
The Nature and Importance of Intimacy ♦ The Influence of
Culture ♦ The Influence of Experience ♦ The Influence of Individual
Differences ♦ The Influence of Human Nature ♦ The Influence of
Interaction ♦ The Dark Side of Relationships ♦ For Your
Consideration ♦ key terms ♦ chapter summary ♦ suggestions for
satisfaction ♦ references
How’s this for a vacation? Imagine yourself in a nicely appointed suite with a pastoral
view. You’ve got high-speed access to Netflix and Hulu, video games, plenty of books
and magazines, and all the supplies for your favorite hobby. Delightful food and drink
are provided, and you have your favorite entertainments at hand. But there’s a catch:
No one else is around, and you have no phone and no access to the Web. You’re
completely alone. You have almost everything you want except for other people. Texts,
tweets, Instagram, and Snapchat are unavailable. No one else is even in sight, and you
cannot interact with anyone else in any way.
How’s that for a vacation? A few of us would enjoy the solitude for a while, but
most of us would quickly find it surprisingly stressful to be completely detached from
other people (Schachter, 1959). Most of us need others even more than we realize.
Day by day, we tend to prefer the time we spend with others to the time we spend
alone (Bernstein et al., 2018), and there’s a reason prisons sometimes use solitary
confinement as a form of punishment: Human beings are a very social species. People
suffer when they are deprived of close contact with others, and at the core of our social
nature is our need for intimate relationships.
Our relationships with others are central aspects of our lives. They’re indispensable
and vital, so it’s useful to understand how they start, how they operate, how they thrive,
and how, sometimes, they end in a haze of anger and pain.
This book will promote your own understanding of close relationships. It draws on
psychology, sociology, communication studies, family studies, and neuroscience to offer
a comprehensive survey of what behavioral scientists have learned about relationships
through careful research. It offers a different, more scientific view of relationships than
you’ll find in magazines or the movies; it’s more reasoned, more cautious, and often less
romantic. You’ll also find that this is not a how-to manual. Insights abound in the pages
ahead, and there’ll be plenty of news you can use, but you’ll need to bring your own
values and personal experiences to bear on the information presented here.
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 1 12/01/21 4:03 PM
2 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
To set the stage for the discoveries to come, we’ll first define our subject matter.
What are intimate relationships? Why do they matter so much? Then, we’ll consider
the fundamental building blocks of close relationships: the cultures we inhabit, the
experiences we encounter, the personalities we possess, the human origins we all share,
and the interactions we conduct. In order to understand relationships, we need to
consider who we are, where we are, and how we got there.
THE NATURE AND IMPORTANCE OF INTIMACY
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. We can have consequential contact with
almost anyone—cashiers, classmates, fellow commuters, and kin (Epley & Schroeder,
2014)—but we’ll focus here on our relationships with friends and lovers because they
exemplify intimate relationships. Our primary focus is on intimate relationships between
adults.
The Nature of Intimacy
What, then, is intimacy? That’s actually a complex question because intimacy is a
multifaceted concept with several different components. It’s generally held (Ben-Ari &
Lavee, 2007) that intimate relationships differ from more casual associations in at least
seven specific ways: knowledge, interdependence, caring, trust, responsiveness, mutual-
ity, and commitment.
First, intimate partners have extensive personal, often confidential, knowledge
about each other. They share information about their histories, preferences, feelings,
and desires that they do not reveal to most of the other people they know.
The lives of intimate partners are also intertwined: What each partner does
affects what the other partner wants to do and can do (Fitzsimons et al., 2015).
Interdependence between intimates—the extent to which they need and influence each
other—is frequent (they often affect each other), strong (they have meaningful impact
on each other), diverse (they inf luence each other in many different ways), and
enduring (they influence each other over long periods of time). When relationships
are interdependent, one’s behavior affects one’s partner as well as oneself ( Berscheid
et al., 2004).
The qualities that make these close ties tolerable are caring, trust, and responsive-
ness. Intimate partners care about each other; they feel more affection for one another
than they do for most others. They also trust one another, expecting to be treated fairly
and honorably (Thielmann & Hilbig, 2015). People expect that no undue harm will
result from their intimate relationships, and if it does, they often become wary and
reduce the openness and interdependence that characterize closeness (Jones et al.,
1997). In contrast, intimacy increases when people believe that their partners under-
stand, respect, and appreciate them, being attentively and effectively responsive to their
needs and concerned for their welfare (Reis & Gable, 2015). Responsiveness is power-
fully rewarding, and the perception that our partners recognize, understand, and sup-
port our needs and wishes is a core ingredient of our very best relationships (Reis
et al., 2017).
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 2 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 3
As a result of these close ties, people who are intimate also consider themselves
to be a couple instead of two entirely separate individuals. They exhibit a high degree
of mutuality, which means that they recognize their close connection and think of
themselves as “us” instead of “me” and “him” (or “her”) (Davis & Weigel, 2020). In
fact, that change in outlook—from “I” to “us”—often signals the subtle but significant
moment in a developing relationship when new partners first acknowledge their attach-
ment to each other (Agnew et al., 1998). Indeed, researchers can assess the amount
of intimacy in a close relationship by simply asking partners to rate the extent to which
they “overlap.” The Inclusion of Other in the Self Scale (see Figure 1.1) is a straight-
forward measure of mutuality that does a remarkably good job of distinguishing between
intimate and more casual relationships (Aron et al., 2013).
Finally, intimate partners are ordinarily committed to their relationships. That is,
they expect their partnerships to continue indefinitely, and they invest the time, effort,
and resources that are needed to realize that goal. Without such commitment, people
who were once very close may find themselves less and less interdependent and knowl-
edgeable about each other as time goes by.
None of these components is absolutely required for intimacy to occur, and each
may exist when the others are absent. For instance, spouses in a stale, unhappy mar-
riage may be very interdependent, closely coordinating the practical details of their
daily lives, but living in a psychological vacuum devoid of much affection or respon-
siveness. Such partners would certainly be more intimate than mere acquaintances
are, but they would undoubtedly feel less close to one another than they used to
(perhaps, for instance, when they decided to marry), when more of the components
were present. In general, our most satisfying and meaningful intimate relationships
include all seven of these defining characteristics (Fletcher et al., 2000), but intimacy
can exist to a lesser degree when only some of them are in place. And as unhappy
marriages demonstrate, intimacy can also vary enormously over the course of a long
relationship.
FIGURE 1.1. The Inclusion of Other in the Self Scale.
How intimate is a relationship? Just asking people to pick the picture that portrays a particu-
lar partnership does a remarkably good job of assessing the closeness they feel.
Please circle the picture below that best describes your current relationship with your partner.
Self Other Self Other Self Other
Self Other Self Other Self Other Self Other
Source: Aron, A., Aron, E. N., & Smollan, D. (1992). “Inclusion of Other in the Self Scale and the structure of
interpersonal closeness,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63, 596–612.
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 3 12/01/21 4:03 PM
4 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
So, there’s no one kind of intimate relationship. Indeed, a fundamental lesson
about relationships is a very simple one: They come in all shapes and sizes. This variety
is a source of great complexity, but it’s also endlessly fascinating. (And that’s why I
wrote this book!)
The Need to Belong
Our focus on intimate relationships means that we’ll not consider the wide variety of
interactions that you have each day with casual friends and acquaintances. Should we
be so particular? Is such a focus justified? The answers, of course, are yes. Although
our casual interactions can be very influential (Sandstrom & Dunn, 2014), there’s
something special about intimate relationships (Venaglia & Lemay, 2017). In fact, a
powerful and pervasive drive to establish intimacy with others may be a basic part of
our human nature. According to theorists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary (1995), we
need frequent, pleasant interactions with intimate partners in lasting, caring relation-
ships if we’re to function normally. There is a human need to belong in close relation-
ships, and if the need is not met, a variety of problems follows.
Our need to belong is presumed to necessitate “regular social contact with those
to whom one feels connected” (Baumeister & Leary, 1995, p. 501). In order to fulfill
the need, we are driven to establish and maintain close relationships with other people;
we require interaction and communion with those who know and care for us. But we
only need a few close relationships; when the need to belong is satiated, our drive to
form additional relationships is reduced. (Thus, when it comes to relationships, quality
is more important than quantity.) It also doesn’t matter much who our partners are;
as long as they provide us stable affection and acceptance, our need can be satisfied.
Thus, when an important relationship ends, we are often able to find replacement
partners who—though they may be quite different from our previous partners—are none-
theless able to satisfy our need to belong (Hirsch & Clark, 2019).
Some of the support for this theory comes from the ease with which we form
relationships with others and from the tenacity with which we then resist the dissolu-
tion of our existing social ties. Indeed, when a valued relationship is in peril, we may
find it hard to think about anything else. The potency of the need to belong may also
be why being entirely alone for a long period of time is so stressful (Schachter, 1959);
anything that threatens our sense of connection to other people can be hard to take
(Leary & Miller, 2012).
In fact, some of the strongest evidence supporting a need to belong comes from
studies of the biological benefits we accrue from satisfying close ties to others. In gen-
eral, people live happier, healthier, longer lives when they’re closely connected to others
than they do when they’re on their own (Loving & Sbarra, 2015). Holding a lover’s
hand reduces the brain’s alarm in response to threatening situations (Coan et al., 2006),
and pain seems less potent when one simply looks at a photograph of a loving partner
(Master et al., 2009). Wounds even heal faster when others accept and support us
(Gouin et al., 2010). In contrast, people with insufficient intimacy in their lives are at
risk for a wide variety of health problems (Valtorta et al., 2016). When they’re lonely,
young adults have weaker immune responses, leaving them more likely to catch a cold
or flu (Pressman et al., 2005). Across the life span, people who have few friends or
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 4 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 5
lovers—and even those who simply live alone—have much
higher mortality rates than do those who are closely
connected to caring partners (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015);
in one extensive study, people who lacked close ties to
others were 2 to 3 times more likely to die over a 9-year
span (Berkman & Glass, 2000). Married people in the
United States are less likely to die from any of the 10
leading causes of cancer-related death than unmarried
people are (Aizer et al., 2013). And losing one’s existing
ties to others is damaging, too: Elderly widows and wid-
owers are much more likely to die in the first few months after the loss of their spouses
than they would have been had their marriages continued (Elwert & Christakis, 2008),
and a divorce also increases one’s risk of an early death (Zhang et al., 2016).
Our mental and physical health is also affected by the quality of our connections
to others (Robles et al., 2014) (see Figure 1.2). Day by day, people who have pleas-
ant interactions with others who care for them are more satisfied with their lives
A Point to Ponder
Why are married people less
likely to die from cancer than
unmarried people are? Are
unhealthy people simply less
likely to get married, or is
marriage advantageous to our
health? How might marriage
be beneficial?
FIGURE 1.2. Satisfying intimacy and life and death.
Here’s a remarkable example of the manner in which satisfying intimacy is associated with bet-
ter health. In this investigation, middle-aged patients with congestive heart failure were tracked
for several years after their diseases were diagnosed. Forty-eight months later, most of the
patients with less satisfying marriages had died, whereas most of the people who were more
happily married were still alive. This pattern occurred both when the initial illnesses were rela-
tively mild and more severe, so it’s a powerful example of the link between happy intimacy and
better health. In another study, patients who were satisfied with their marriages when they had
heart surgery were over 3 times more likely to still be alive 15 years later than were those who
were unhappily married (King & Reis, 2012). Evidently, fulfilling our needs to belong can be a
matter of life or death.
Source: Coyne, J. C., Rohrbaugh, M. J., Shoham, V., Sonnega, J. S., Nicklas, J. M., & Cranford, J. A. (2001).
“Prognostic importance of marital quality for survival of congestive heart failure,” American Journal of Cardiology,
88, 526–529.
1.0
.9
.8
.7
.6
Pr
op
or
tio
n
of
P
at
ie
nt
s
A
liv
e
.5
.4
.3
0
Months from Diagnosis
5045403530252015105
Better Marital
Quality
Poorer Marital
Quality
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 5 12/01/21 4:03 PM
6 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
than are those who lack such social contact (Sun et al., 2020), and this is true around
the world (Galínha et al., 2013). In contrast, psychiatric problems, anxiety disorders,
substance abuse, inflammation, obesity, and sleep problems all tend to afflict those
with troubled ties to others (Gouin et al., 2020; Kiecolt-Glaser & Wilson, 2017). On
the surface (as I’ll explain in detail in chapter 2), such patterns do not necessarily
mean that shallow, superficial relationships cause psychological problems; after all,
people who are prone to such problems may find it difficult to form loving relation-
ships in the first place. Nevertheless, it does appear that a lack of intimacy can both
cause such problems and make them worse (Braithwaite & Holt-Lunstad, 2017). In
general, whether we’re young or old (Allen et al., 2015), gay or straight (Wight
et al., 2013), or married or just cohabiting (Kohn & Averett, 2014), our well-being
seems to depend on how well we satisfy the need to belong. Evidently, “we are wired
for close connection with others and this connection is vital to our survival”
(Johnson, 2019).
Why should we need intimacy so much? Why are we such a social species? One
possibility is that the need to belong evolved over eons, gradually becoming a natural
tendency in all human beings (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). That argument goes this
way: Because early humans lived in small groups surrounded by a difficult environ-
ment full of saber-toothed tigers, people who were loners were less likely than gre-
garious humans to have children who would grow to maturity and reproduce. In such
a setting, a tendency to form stable, affectionate connections to others would have
been evolutionarily adaptive, making it more likely that one’s children would survive
and thrive (Hare, 2017). As a result, our species slowly came to be characterized by
people who cared deeply about what others thought of them and who sought accep-
tance and closeness from others. Admittedly, this view—which represents a provoca-
tive way of thinking about our modern behavior (and about which I’ll have more to
say later in this chapter)—is speculative. Nevertheless, whether or not this evolution-
ary account is entirely correct, there is little doubt that almost all of us now care
deeply about the quality of our attachments to others. We are also at a loss, prone
to illness and maladjustment, when we have insufficient intimacy in our lives. We
know that food and shelter are essential for life, but the need to belong suggests that
intimacy with others is essential for a good, long life as well (Sbarra & Coan, 2018).
“Human beings need social connections just like we need oxygen, food, and water”
(Gabriel, 2020).
Now, let’s examine the major influences that determine what sort of relationships
we construct when we seek to satisfy the need to belong. We’ll start with a counterpoint
to our innate need for intimacy: the changing cultures that provide the norms that
govern our intimate relationships.
THE INFLUENCE OF CULTURE
I know it seems like ancient history—smart phones and Snapchat and AIDS didn’t
exist—but let’s look back at 1965, which may have been around the time that your
grandparents were deciding to marry. If they were a typical couple, they would have
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 6 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 7
married in their early twenties, before she was 21 and before he was 23.1 They prob-
ably would not have lived together, or “c ohabited,” without being married because
almost no one did at that time. And it’s also unlikely that they would have had a baby
without being married; 95 percent of the children born in the United States in 1965
had parents who were married to each other. Once they settled in, your grandmother
probably did not work outside the home—most women didn’t—and when her kids were
preschoolers, it’s quite likely that she stayed home with them all day; most women
did. It’s also likely that their children—in particular, your mom or dad—grew up in a
household in which both of their parents were present at the end of the day.
Things these days are very different (Smock & Schwartz, 2020). The last several
decades have seen dramatic changes in the cultural context in which we conduct our
close relationships. Indeed, you shouldn’t be surprised if your grandparents are aston-
ished by the cultural landscape that you face today. In the United States,
• Fewer people are marrying than ever before. Back in 1965, almost everyone
(94 percent) married at some point in their lives, but more people remain unmar-
ried today. Demographers now predict that fewer than 80 percent of young adults
will ever marry (and that proportion is even lower in Europe [Perelli-Harris &
Lyons-Amos, 2015]). Include everyone who is divorced, widowed, or never mar-
ried, and slightly less than half (49 percent) of the adult population of the United
States is presently married. That’s an all-time low.
• People are waiting longer to marry. On average, a woman is 28 years old when
she marries for the first time, and a man is almost 30, and these are the oldest
such ages in American history. That’s much older than your grandparents prob-
ably were when they got married (see Figure 1.3). A great many Americans
(43 percent) reach their mid-30s without marrying. Do you feel sorry for people
who are 35 and single? Read the “Are You Prejudiced Against Singles?” box2
on page 9.
• People routinely live together even when they’re not married. Cohabitation was
very rare in 1965—only 5 percent of all adults ever did it—but it is now ordinary.
More Americans under the age of 44 have cohabited than have ever been married
(Horowitz et al., 2019).
• People often have babies even when they’re not married. This was an uncommon
event in 1965; only 5 percent of the babies born in the United States that year
had unmarried mothers. Some children were conceived out of wedlock, but their
parents usually got married before they were born. Not these days. In 2018,
40 percent of the babies born in the United States had unmarried mothers (Martin
et al., 2019). On average, an American mother now has her first child (at age 26.9)
before she gets married (at 28.0), and about one-third (32 percent) of children in
the United States presently live with an unmarried parent (Livingston, 2018a).
1These and the following statistics were obtained from the U.S. Census Bureau at www.census.gov, the U.S.
National Center for Health Statistics at www.cdc.gov/nchs, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics at bls.gov
/data, the Pew Research Center at pewsocialtrends.org, and the National Center for Family and Marriage
Research at www.bgsu.edu/ncfmr.html.
2Please try to overcome your usual temptation to skip past the boxes. Many of them will be worth your time.
Trust me.
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 7 12/01/21 4:03 PM
8 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
• About one-half of all marriages end in divorce, a failure rate that’s 2-and-a-half
times higher than it was when your grandparents married. In recent years, the
divorce rate has been slowly decreasing for couples with college degrees—which is
probably good news if you’re reading this book!—but it remains high and unchanged
for people with less education. In 2018, in the United States, there were just under
half as many divorces as marriages (Schweizer, 2019). So because not all lasting
marriages are happy ones, an American couple getting married this year is more
likely to divorce sometime down the road than to live happily ever after.3
• Most preschool children have parents who work outside the home. In 1965, three-
quarters of U.S. mothers stayed home all day when their children were too young
to go to school, but only one-quarter of them (and 7 percent of fathers) do so
now (Livingston, 2018b).
These remarkable changes suggest that our shared assumptions about the role that
marriage and parenthood will play in our lives have changed substantially in recent
years. Once upon a time, everybody got married within a few years of leaving high
school and, happy or sad, they tended to stay with their original partners. Pregnant
3This is sobering, but your chances for a happy marriage (should you choose to marry) are likely to be better
than those of most other people. You’re reading this book, and your interest in relationship science is likely
to improve your chances considerably.
FIGURE 1.3. Average age of first marriage in the United States.
American men and women are waiting longer to get married than ever before.
A
ge
27
28
29
30
26
25
24
23
22
2 1
20
1960
Year
0
1970 1980 1990 2005 2010 2015 20192000
Men
Women
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 8 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 9
people felt they had to get married, and co habitation was known as “living in sin.” But
not so anymore. Marriage is now a choice, even if a baby is on the way, and increasing
numbers of us are putting it off or not getting married at all. If we do marry, we’re
less likely to consider it a solemn, life-long commitment (Cherlin, 2009). In general,
recent years have seen enormous change in the cultural norms that used to encourage
people to get, and stay, married.
Do these changes matter? Indeed, they do. Cultural standards provide a foundation
for our relationships (Kretz, 2019); they shape our expectations and define the patterns
we think to be normal. Let’s consider, in particular, the huge rise in the prevalence of
cohabitation that has occurred in recent years. Most young adults now believe that it
is desirable for a couple to live together before they get married so that they can spend
more time together, share expenses, and test their compatibility (Horowitz et al., 2019).
Such attitudes make cohabitation a reasonable choice—and indeed, most people now
cohabit before they ever marry. However, when people do not already have firm plans
Are You Prejudiced Against Singles?
Here’s a term you probably haven’t seen be-
fore: singlism. It refers to prejudice and dis-
crimination against those who choose to
remain single and opt not to devote them-
selves to a primary romantic relationship.
Many of us assume that normal people want
to be a part of a romantic couple, so we find
it odd when anyone chooses instead to stay
single (Fisher & Sakaluk, 2020). The result is
a culture that offers benefits to married cou-
ples and puts singles at a disadvantage with
regard to such things as Social Security bene-
fits, insurance rates, and service in restau-
rants (DePaulo, 2014).
Intimacy is good for us, and married
people live longer than unmarried people do.
Middle-aged Americans who have never mar-
ried are 2½ times more likely than those who
are married to die an early death (Siegler
et al., 2013). Patterns like these lead some re-
searchers to straightforwardly recommend
happy romances as desirable goals in life.
And most single people do want to have
romantic partners; few singles (12 percent)
prefer being unattached to being in a steady
romantic relationship (Poortman & Liefbroer,
2010), and a fear of being single can lead
people to lower their standards and “settle for
less” with lousy lovers (Spielmann et al.,
2020).
Still, we make an obvious mistake if we
casually assume that singles are unhealthy,
lonely loners. Yes, some singles remain unat-
tached because they lack self-confidence and
social skill (Apostolou, 2019), but many oth-
ers are single by choice because they like it that
way (Pepping et al., 2018). They have an active
social life and close, supportive friendships
that provide them all the intimacy they desire,
and they remain uncoupled because they cel-
ebrate their freedom and self-sufficiency. They
have closer relationships with their parents,
siblings, neighbors, and friends than married
people do (Sarkisian & Gerstel, 2016), and as
one woman wrote to Dear Abby (2016), “I do
what I want when I want and how I want. I
control the remote, the thermostat and my
money. I have no desire for male companion-
ship and can honestly say I have never felt hap-
pier or more content in my life.”
So, what do you think? Is there some-
thing wrong or missing in people who are con-
tent to remain single? If you think there is, you
may profit by reading Bella DePaulo’s blog
defending singles at www.psychologytoday
.com/blog/living-single.
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 9 12/01/21 4:03 PM
10 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
to marry, cohabitation does not make it more likely that a subsequent marriage (if one
occurs) will be successful; instead, such cohabitation increases a couple’s risk that they
will later divorce (Rosenfeld & Roesler, 2019). There are probably several reasons for
this. First, on average, those who cohabit begin living together at younger ages than
their older—and possibly wiser—peers who get married (Kuperberg, 2014). But more
importantly, couples who choose to cohabit are usually less committed to each other
than are those who marry—they are, after all, keeping their options open (Wagner,
2019)—so they encounter more problems and uncertainties than married people do.
They’re less satisfied and they trust each other less (Horowitz et al., 2019) because
they experience more conflict (Stanley et al., 2010), jealousy (Gatzeva & Paik, 2011),
infidelity (Wagner, 2019), and physical aggression (Manning et al., 2018) than spouses
do. Clearly, cohabitation is more tumultuous and volatile than marriage usually is. As
a result, the longer people cohabit, the less enthusiastic about marriage—and the more
accepting of divorce—they become. Take a look at Figure 1.4: As time passes, cohabitat-
ing couples gradually become less likely to ever marry but no less likely to split up;
5 years down the road, cohabitating couples are just as likely to break up as they were
when they moved in together. (Marriage is fundamentally different. The longer a cou-
ple is married, the less likely they are to ever divorce [Wolfinger, 2005]). Overall, then,
casual cohabitation that is intended to test the partners’ compatibility seems to
FIGURE 1.4. The outcomes of cohabitation over time.
Here’s what became of 2,746 cohabiting couples in the United States over a span of 5 years.
As time passed, couples were less likely to marry, but no less likely to break up. After living
together for 5 years, cohabiting couples were just as likely to break up as they were when they
moved in together. (The transition rate describes the percentage of couples who either broke
up or got married each month. The numbers seem low, but they reflect the proportion of cou-
ples who quit cohabiting each month, so the proportions add up and become sizable as
months go by.)
Source: Wolfinger, N. H. (2005). Understanding the divorce cycle: The children of divorce in their own marriages.
Cambridge University Press.
0
0 5 10 15 20 25 30
Months
35 40 45 50 55 60
.005
.01
.015
.02
.025
Tr
an
si
tio
n
R
at
e
.03
.035
Marriage
Dissolution
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 10 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 11
undermine the positive attitudes toward marriage, and the determination to make a
marriage work, that support marital success (Busby et al., 2019). Couples who are
engaged to marry when they move in together typically fare better than those who
cohabit without plans to marry (Willoughby & Belt, 2016), but even they tend to be
less happy with their relationships than those who marry without cohabiting first
(Brown et al., 2017). So casual cohabitation is corrosive, and these days, cohabiting
partners are actually less likely to ever marry than in the past (Sassler & Lichter, 2020).
Widespread acceptance of cohabitation as a “trial run” is probably one reason why,
compared to 1965, fewer people get married and fewer marriages last.4
Sources of Change
So, the norms that currently govern our intimate relationships differ from those that
guided prior generations, and there are several reasons why. One set of influences
involves economics. Societies tend to harbor more single people, tolerate more divorces,
and support a later age of marriage the more industrialized and affluent they become
(South et al., 2001), and levels of socioeconomic development have increased around
the world. Education and financial resources allow people to be more independent, so
that women in particular are less likely to marry than they used to be (Dooley, 2010).
And in American marriages, close to one of every three wives earns more than her
husband (Parker & Stepler, 2017), so “the traditional male breadwinner model has
given way to one where women routinely support households and outearn the men
they are married to, and nobody cares or thinks it’s odd” (Mundy, 2012, p. 5).5
Over the years, the individualism—that is, the support of self-expression and the
emphasis on personal fulfillment—that characterizes Western cultures has also become
more pronounced (Santos et al., 2017). This isn’t good news, but most of us are more
materialistic (Twenge & Kasser, 2013) and less concerned with others (Twenge, 2013)
than our grandparents were. And arguably, this focus on our own happiness has led
us to expect more personal gratification from our intimate p artnerships—more pleasure
and delight, and fewer hassles and sacrifices—than our grandparents did (Finkel, 2017).
Unlike prior generations (who often stayed together for the “sake of the kids”), we feel
justified in ending our partnerships to seek contentment elsewhere if we become dis-
satisfied (Cherlin, 2009). Eastern cultures promote a more collective sense of self in
which people feel more closely tied to their families and social groups (Markus, 2017),
and the divorce rates in such cultures (such as Japan) are much lower than they are
in the United States (Cherlin, 2009).
New technology matters, too. Modern reproductive technologies allow single
women to bear children fathered by men picked from a catalog at a sperm bank whom
4Most people don’t know this, so here’s an example of an important pattern we’ll encounter often: Popular
opinion assumes one thing, but relationship science finds another. Instances such as these demonstrate the
value of careful scientific studies of close relationships. Ignorance isn’t bliss. Intimate partnerships are
complex, and accurate information is especially beneficial when common sense and folk wisdom would lead
us astray.
5Well, actually, some men, particularly those with traditional views of what it means to be a man (Coughlin
& Wade, 2012), are troubled when they earn less than their wives. Their self-esteem suffers (Ratliff & Oishi,
2013), and they are more likely than other men to use drugs to treat erectile dysfunction (Pierce et al., 2013).
Traditional masculinity can be costly in close relationships, a point to which we’ll return on page 28.
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 11 12/01/21 4:03 PM
12 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
the women have never met! Women can also control their fertility, having children only
when they choose, and American women are having fewer children than they used to.
The American birth rate is at an all-time low (Hamilton et al., 2019), and one in every
four young American women has used emergency contraception—a “morning-after”
pill—to help keep it that way (Haeger et al., 2018).
Modern communication technologies are also transforming the ways in which we
conduct our relationships (Okdie & Ewoldsen, 2018). Your grandparents didn’t have
mobile phones, so they didn’t expect to be able to reach each other anywhere at any
time of day. They certainly didn’t do any sexting—that is, sending sexually explicit images
of themselves to others with a smartphone—as more than 20 percent of young adults
now have (Garcia et al., 2016, who also found that 23 percent of the time, those who
receive a sext share it with two or three others). And they did not have to develop rules
about how frequently they could text each other, how long they could take to respond,
and whether or not they could read the messages and examine the call histories on the
other’s phone; these days, couples are happier if they do (Halpern & Katz, 2017).
In addition, most of the people you know are on Facebook (Gramlich, 2019),
connected to hundreds of “friends,”6 and that can complicate our more intimate part-
nerships. Facebook provides an entertaining and efficient way to (help to) satisfy our
needs for social contact (Waytz & Gray, 2018), but it can also create dilemmas for
lovers, who have to decide when to go “Facebook official” and announce that they’re
now “in a relationship” (Seidman et al., 2019). (They also have to decide what that
means: Women tend to think that this change in status signals more intensity and
commitment than men do [Fox & Warber, 2013].) Thereafter, a partner’s heavy use of
Facebook (McDaniel & Drouin, 2019) and pictures of one’s partner partying with
others (Utz et al., 2015) can incite conflict and jealousy, and a breakup can be embar-
rassingly public (Haimson et al., 2018). Clearly, social media such as Facebook and
Snapchat can be mixed blessings in close relationships.
Moreover, many of us are permanently connected
to our social networks, with our smartphones always by
our sides (Lapierre, 2020), and we are too often
tempted to “give precedence to people we are not with
over people we are with” (Price, 2011, p. 27). Modern
couples have to put up with a lot of technoference, the
frequent interruptions of their interactions that are
caused by their various technological devices (McDan-
iel & Drouin, 2019), and phubbing—which occurs when
one partner snubs another by focusing on a phone—is
particularly obnoxious (Roberts & David, 2016). No one much likes to be ignored while
you text or talk with someone else (Chotpitayasunondh & Douglas, 2018), but it hap-
pens most of the time when two friends are eating together (Vanden Abeele et al.,
2019). In fact—and this is troubling—our devices can be so alluring and distracting
6Psychology students at Sam Houston State University (n = 298) do have hundreds of Facebook “friends”—562
each, on average—but that number doesn’t mean much because most of them aren’t real friends; 45 percent
of them are mere acquaintances, and others (7 percent) are strangers they have never met (Miller et al.,
2014). We’ll return to this point in chapter 7, but for now, let me ask: How many people on your Facebook
list are really your friends?
A Point to Ponder
Which of the remarkable
changes in technology over
the last 50 years has had the
most profound effect on our
relationships? Birth control
pills? Smartphones? Online
dating sites? Something else?
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 12 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 13
(Kushlev et al., 2019) that simply having your smartphone lying on the table is likely
to reduce the quality of the conversation you share at dinner with a friend (Dwyer et
al., 2018). Here’s a suggestion: When you next go out to dinner with your lover, why
don’t you leave your phone in the car? ”When technology diminishes our relationships
with loved ones and distracts us from the things that truly matter, it’s no longer a tool;
it’s a toxin” (Lane, 2017).
Finally, an important—but more subtle—influence on the norms that govern rela-
tionships is the relative numbers of young men and women in a given culture (Sng &
Ackerman, 2020). Societies and regions of the world in which men are more numerous
than women tend to have very different standards than those in which women outnum-
ber men. I’m describing a region’s sex ratio, a simple count of the number of men for
every 100 women in a specific population. When the sex ratio is high, there are more
men than women; when it is low, there are fewer men than women.
The baby boom that followed World War II caused the U.S. sex ratio, which had
been very high, to plummet to low levels at the end of the 1960s. For a time after the
war, more babies were born each year than in the preceding year; this meant that when
the “boomers” entered adulthood, there were fewer older men than younger women, and
the sex ratio dropped. However, when birthrates began to slow and fewer children entered
the demographic pipeline, each new flock of women was smaller than the preceding flock
of men, and the U.S. sex ratio crept higher in the 1990s. Since then, reasonably stable
birthrates have resulted in fairly equal numbers of marriageable men and women today.
These changes may have been more important than most people realize. Cultures
with high sex ratios (in which there aren’t enough women) tend to support traditional,
Phubbing is obnoxious and is best avoided.
Steve Kelley Editorial Cartoon used with the permission of Steve Kelley and Creators Syndicate. All rights reserved.
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 13 12/01/21 4:03 PM
14 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
old-fashioned roles for men and women (Secord, 1983). After the men buy expensive
engagement rings (Griskevicius et al., 2012), women stay home raising children while
the men work outside the home. Such cultures also tend to be sexually conservative.
The ideal newlywed is a virgin bride, unwed pregnancy is shameful, open cohabitation
is rare, and divorce is discouraged. In contrast, cultures with low sex ratios (in which
there are too few men) tend to be less traditional and more permissive. Women seek
high-paying careers (Durante et al., 2012), and they are allowed (if not encouraged) to
have sexual relationships outside of marriage (Moss & Maner, 2016). The specifics
vary with each historical period, but this general pattern has occurred throughout his-
tory (Guttentag & Secord, 1983). Ancient Rome, which was renowned for its sybaritic
behavior? A low sex ratio. Victorian England, famous for its prim and proper ways? A
high sex ratio. The Roaring Twenties, a footloose and playful decade? A low sex ratio.
And in more recent memory, the “sexual revolution” and the advent of “women’s lib-
eration” in the late 1960s? A very low sex ratio.
Thus, the remarkable changes in the norms for U.S. relationships since 1965 may
be due, in part, to dramatic fluctuations in U.S. sex ratios. Indeed, another test of this
pattern is presently unfolding in China, where limitations on family size and a prefer-
ence for male children have produced a dramatic scarcity of young women. Prospective
grooms will outnumber prospective brides in China by more than 50 percent for the
next 25 years (Huang, 2014). What changes in China’s norms should we expect? The
rough but real link between a culture’s proportions of men and women and its relational
norms serves as a compelling example of the manner in which culture can affect our
relationships. To a substantial degree, what we expect and what we accept in our deal-
ings with others can spring from the standards of the time and place in which we live.
THE INFLUENCE OF EXPERIENCE
Our relationships are also affected by the histories and experiences we bring to them,
and there is no better example of this than the global orientations toward relationships
known as attachment styles. Years ago, developmental researchers (e.g., Bowlby, 1969)
realized that infants displayed various patterns of attachment to their major caregivers
(usually their mothers). The prevailing assumption was that whenever they were hungry,
wet, or scared, some children found responsive care and protection to be reliably avail-
able, and they learned that other people were trustworthy sources of security and
kindness. As a result, such children developed a secure style of attachment: They hap-
pily bonded with others and relied on them comfortably, and they readily developed
relationships characterized by relaxed trust.
Other children encountered different situations. For some, attentive care was
unpredictable and inconsistent. Their caregivers were warm and interested on some
occasions but distracted, anxious, or unavailable on others. These children thus devel-
oped fretful, mixed feelings about others known as anxious- ambivalent attachments.
Being uncertain of when (or if) a departing caregiver would return, such children
became nervous, clingy, and needy in their relationships with others.
Finally, for a third group of children, care was provided reluctantly by rejecting or
hostile adults. Such children learned that little good came from depending on others,
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 14 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 15
and they withdrew from others with an avoidant style of attachment. Avoidant
children were often suspicious of others, and they did not easily form trusting, close
relationships.
The important point, then, is that researchers believed that early interpersonal
experiences shaped the course of one’s subsequent relationships. Indeed, attachment
processes became a popular topic of research because the different styles were so obvi-
ous in many children. When they faced a strange, intimidating environment, for
instance, secure children ran to their mothers, calmed down, and then set out to bravely
explore the unfamiliar new setting (Ainsworth et al., 1978). Anxious-ambivalent chil-
dren cried and clung to their mothers, ignoring the parents’ reassurances that all was
well.
These patterns were impressive, but relationship researchers really began to take
notice of attachment styles when Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver (1987) demonstrated
that similar orientations toward close relationships could also be observed among
adults. Their surveys found that most people said that they were relaxed and comfort-
able depending on others; that is, they sounded secure in their intimate relationships.
However, a substantial minority (about 40 percent) said they were insecure; they either
found it difficult to trust and to depend on their partners, or they nervously worried
that their relationships wouldn’t last. In addition, respondents reported childhood
memories and current attitudes that fit their styles of attachment. Secure people gener-
ally held positive images of themselves and others, and remembered their parents as
Children’s relationships with their major caregivers teach them trust or fear that sets the stage
for their subsequent relationships with others. How responsive, reliable, and effective was the
care that you received?
Tom Merton/Corbis
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16 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
loving and supportive. In contrast, insecure people viewed others with uncertainty or
distrust, and remembered their parents as inconsistent or cold.
With provocative results like these, attachment research quickly became one of the
hottest fields in relationship science (e.g., Mikulincer & Shaver, 2018). And researchers
promptly realized that there seemed to be four, rather than three, patterns of attachment
in adults. In particular, theorist Kim Bartholomew (1990) suggested that there were two
different reasons why people might wish to avoid being too close to others. In one case,
people could want relationships with others but be wary of them, fearing rejection and
mistrusting them. In the other case, people could be independent and self-reliant, genu-
inely preferring autonomy and freedom rather than close attachments to others.
Thus, Bartholomew (1990) proposed four general categories of attachment style
(see Table 1.1). The first, a secure style, remained the same as the secure style identi-
fied in children. The second, a preoccupied style, was a new name for anxious ambiva-
lence. Bartholomew renamed the category to reflect the fact that, because they
nervously depended on others’ approval to feel good about themselves, such people
worried about, and were preoccupied with, the status of their relationships.
The third and fourth styles reflected two different ways to be “avoidant.” Fearful
people avoided intimacy with others because of their fears of rejection. Although they
wanted others to like them, they worried about the risks of relying on others. In con-
trast, people with a dismissing style felt that intimacy with others just wasn’t worth the
trouble. Dismissing people rejected interdependency with others because they felt self-
sufficient, and they didn’t care much whether others liked them or not.
It’s also now generally accepted that two broad themes underlie and distinguish
these four styles of attachment (Gillath et al., 2016). First, people differ in their avoid-
ance of intimacy, which affects the ease and trust with which they accept interdependent
intimacy with others. People who are comfortable and relaxed in close relationships are
TABLE 1.1. Four Types of Attachment Style
Which of these paragraphs describes you best?
Secure It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfort-
able depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t
worry about being alone or having others not accept me.
Preoccupied I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often
find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am
uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes
worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.
Fearful I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close
relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely or to
depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to
become too close to others.
Dismissing I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very
important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer
not to depend on others or have others depend on me.
Source: Bartholomew, K. (1990). “Avoidance of intimacy: An attachment perspective,” Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, 7, 147–178.
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 17
low in avoidance, whereas those who distrust others, value their independence, and keep
their emotional distance are high in avoidance (Ren et al., 2017). People also differ in
their anxiety about abandonment, the dread that others will find them unworthy and
leave them. Secure people take great comfort in closeness with others and do not worry
that others will mistreat them; as a result, they gladly seek intimate interdependency
with others. In contrast, with all three of the other styles, people are burdened with
anxiety or discomfort that leaves them less at ease in close relationships. Preoccupied
people want closeness but anxiously fear rejection. Dismissing people don’t worry about
rejection but don’t like closeness. And fearful people get it from both sides, being
uncomfortable with intimacy and worrying it won’t last. (See Figure 1.5.)
Importantly, the two themes of avoidance of intimacy and anxiety about
abandonment are continuous dimensions that range from low to high. This means that,
although it’s convenient to talk about attachment styles as if they were discrete, pure
categories that do not overlap, it’s not really accurate to do so (Lubiewska & Van de
Vijver, 2020). When they are simply asked to pick which one of the four paragraphs
in Table 1.1 fits them best, most people in the United States—usually around 60 percent—
describe themselves as being securely attached (Mickelson et al., 1997).7 However, if
7This isn’t true of American college students; only about 40 percent of them are secure. And that proportion
has been declining over the last 30 years; more collegians are insecure than in years past (Konrath et al.,
2014). [Here’s a Point to Ponder in a footnote! Why do you think that is?] Also, in many other countries,
secure styles are more common than any of the other three styles but secure people are outnumbered by
the other three groups combined. Thus, in most regions of the world, more people are insecure than secure
(Schmitt, 2008). Nevertheless, there is some good news here: Around the world, people tend to become less
anxious and avoidant as they age (e.g., Chopik et al., 2019). So, even if you’re insecure now, time and experi-
ence may teach you to be more secure 30 years from now.
FIGURE 1.5. The dimensions underlying attachment.
Low Avoidance
of Intimacy
High Avoidance
of Intimacy
High Anxiety
about
Abandonment
Low Anxiety
about
Abandonment
SECURE
Comfortable with intimacy
and interdependence;
optimistic and sociable
DISMISSING
Self-reliant and uninterested
in intimacy;
indi�erent and independent
FEARFUL
Fearful of rejection and
mistrustful of others;
suspicious and shy
PREOCCUPIED
Uneasy and vigilant toward
any threat to the relationship;
needy and jealous
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18 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
someone has moderate anxiety about abandonment and middling avoidance of inti-
macy, which category fits him or her best? The use of any of the four categories is
rather arbitrary in the middle ranges of anxiety and avoidance where the boundaries
of the categories meet.
So don’t treat the neat classifications in Figure 1.5 too seriously. The more sophis-
ticated way to think about attachment is that there seem to be two important themes
that shape people’s global orientations toward relationships with others. (You can see
where you stand on the items that are often used to measure anxiety and avoidance
on page 74 in chapter 2.) Both are important, and if you compare high scorers on
either dimension to low scorers on that dimension, you’re likely to see meaningful
differences in the manner in which those people conduct their relationships. Indeed,
current studies of attachment (e.g., Hudson et al., 2020) routinely describe people with
regard to their relative standing on the two dimensions of anxiety and avoidance instead
of labeling them as secure, preoccupied, fearful, or dismissing.
Nevertheless, the four labels are so concise that they are still widely used, so stay
sharp. Developmental researchers used to speak of only three attachment styles: secure,
avoidant, and anxious-ambivalent. Now theorists routinely speak of four styles, but they
treat them as convenient labels for sets of anxiety and avoidance scores, not as dis-
tinctly different categories that have nothing in common. The biggest distinction is
between people who are “secure” and those who are not (being those who have high
anxiety about abandonment or high avoidance of intimacy, or both) (Arriaga &
Kumashiro, 2019). And for now, the important point is that attachment styles appear
to be orientations toward relationships that are largely learned from our experiences
with others. They are prime examples of the manner in which the proclivities and
perspectives we bring to a new relationship emerge in part from our experiences in
prior partnerships.
Let’s examine this idea more closely. Any relationship is shaped by many different
influences—that’s the point of this chapter—and both babies and adults affect through
their own behavior the treatment they receive from others. As any parent knows, for
instance, babies are born with various temperaments and arousal levels. Some new-
borns have an easy, pleasant temperament, whereas others are fussy and excitable, and
inborn differences in personality and emotionality make some children easier to parent
than others. Thus, the quality of parenting a baby receives can depend, in part, on the
child’s own personality and behavior; in this way, people’s attachment styles are influ-
enced by the traits with which they were born, and our genes shape our styles (Masarik
et al., 2014).
However, our experiences play much larger roles in shaping the styles we bring to
subsequent relationships (Fraley & Roisman, 2019). The levels of acceptance or rejec-
tion we receive from our parents are huge influences early on (Woodhouse et al., 2020).
Expectant mothers who are glad to be pregnant are more likely to have secure toddlers
a year later than are mothers-to-be whose pregnancies were unwanted or unplanned
(Gillath et al., 2019). Once their babies are born, mothers who enjoy intimacy and who
are comfortable with closeness tend to be more attentive and sensitive caregivers (Jones
et al., 2015), so secure moms tend to have secure children, whereas insecure mothers
tend to have insecure children (Verhage et al., 2016). Indeed, when mothers with dif-
ficult, irritable babies are trained to be sensitive and responsive parents, their toddlers
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 19
are much more likely to end up securely attached to them than they would have been
in the absence of such training (van den Boom, 1994). And a mother’s influence on
the attachment styles of her children does not end in preschool: The parenting adoles-
cents receive as seventh graders predicts how they will behave in their own romances
and friendships when they become adults (Hadiwijaya et al., 2020), and remarkably,
teens who have nurturing and supportive relationships with their parents will be likely
to have richer relationships with their lovers and friends 60 years later (Waldinger &
Schulz, 2016). There’s no doubt that youngsters import the lessons they learn at home
into their subsequent relationships with others (Fraley & Roisman, 2019).
We’re not prisoners of our experiences as children, however, because our attach-
ment styles continue to be shaped by the experiences we encounter as adults (Haak
et al., 2017). Being learned, attachment styles can be unlearned, and over time, attach-
ment styles can change (Fraley, 2019). A devoted, fun, and supportive partner may
gradually make an avoidant person less wary of intimacy (Arriaga & Kumashiro, 2019),
but a bad breakup can make a formerly secure person insecure. Our attachment to a
particular partner can even fluctuate some from day to day (Girme et al., 2018), but
the good news is that those who want to become less anxious or avoidant usually suceed
in doing so (Hudson et al., 2020).
Nevertheless, once they have been established, attachment styles can also be stable
and long-lasting as they lead people to create new relationships that reinforce their
existing tendencies (Hadden et al., 2014). By remaining aloof and avoiding interdepen-
dency, for instance, fearful people may never learn that some people can be trusted
and closeness can be comforting—and that perpetuates their fearful style. In the absence
Was Your Childhood Calm or Chaotic?
Some of us experienced childhoods that were
comfortable and full of familiar routines; our
families didn’t struggle financially, we didn’t
move often, and our parents didn’t keep
changing partners. Others of us, though, had
childhoods that were comparatively harsh
and/or unpredictable. Perhaps we were poor,
so that life was austere and inhospitable, or
perhaps upheaval was common, so that we
never knew what to expect. Notably, these
different past environments may be having
more influence on our current relationships
than we realize.
According to a perspective known as life
history theory, harsh or unpredictable environ-
ments lead young adults to pursue “fast” strat-
egies of mating in which they mature faster,
have sex sooner (and with more people), and
have more children (and at a younger age)
(Simpson, 2019). If life is hard and uncertain,
one needs to act fast! In contrast, comfortable
and reliable environments support “slow”
strategies; people reach puberty later, start
having sex when they’re older and have fewer
partners and fewer children. Their relation-
ships also tend to be more stable and lasting
(Bae & Wickrama, 2019).
Remarkably, recent discoveries gener-
ally support life history predictions, with cha-
otic childhoods seeming to set people on
paths in which secure attachments to others
are relatively hard to attain (Szepsenwol &
Simpson, 2019). We’re not prisoners of our
pasts (Hudson et al., 2020), but studies of life
histories offer striking examples of the man-
ner in which, consciously or not, we may im-
port our past experiences into our present
partnerships.
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20 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
of dramatic new experiences, people’s styles of attachment can persist for decades
(Fraley, 2002), with great effect: Marriages are happier when both spouses have secure
styles (Siegel et al., 2019), and insecure people are more likely than those who are
secure to be divorced and single (McNelis & Segrin, 2019).
Thus, our global beliefs about the nature and worth of close relationships appear
to be shaped by our experiences within them. By good luck or bad, our earliest notions
about our own interpersonal worth and the trustworthiness of others emerge from our
interactions with our major caregivers and start us down a path of either trust or fear.
But that journey never stops, and later obstacles or aid from fellow travelers may divert
us and change our routes. Our learned styles of attachment to others may either change
with time or persist indefinitely, depending on our interpersonal experiences.
THE INFLUENCE OF INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES
Once they are formed, attachment styles also exemplify the idiosyncratic personal
characteristics that people bring to their partnerships with others. We’re all individuals
with singular combinations of experiences and traits, and the differences among us
influence our relationships. In this section of the chapter, we’ll consider five influential
types of individual variation: sex differences, gender differences, sexual orientations,
personalities, and self-esteem.
Sex Differences
At this moment, you’re doing something rare. You’re reading an academic textbook
about relationship science, and that’s something most people will never do. This is
probably the first serious text you’ve ever read about relationships, too, and that means
that we need to confront—and hopefully correct—some of the stereotypes you may hold
about the differences between men and women in intimate relationships.
This may not be easy. Many of us are used to thinking that men and women have
very different approaches to intimacy—that, for instance, “men are from Mars, women
are from Venus.” A well-known book with that title asserted that
men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women com-
municate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appre-
ciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different
languages and needing different nourishment. (Gray, 1992, p. 5)
Wow! Men and women sound like they’re members of different species. No wonder
heterosexual relationships are sometimes problematic!
But the truth is more subtle. Human traits obviously vary across a wide range, and
(in most cases) if we graph the number of people who possess a certain talent or abil-
ity, we’ll get a distinctive chart known as a normal curve. Such curves describe the
frequencies with which particular levels of some trait can be found in people, and they
demonstrate that (a) most people have talents or abilities that are only slightly better
or worse than average and (b) extreme levels of most traits, high or low, are very rare.
Consider height, for example: A few people are very short or very tall, but most of us
are only two or three inches shorter or taller than the average for our sex.
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 20 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 21
Why should we care about this? Because many lay stereotypes about men and women
portray the sexes as having very different ranges of interests, styles, and abilities. As one
example, men are often portrayed as being more interested in sex than women are (see
the “Combating Simplistic Stereotypes” box on page 23), and the images of the sexes that
people hold often seem to resemble the situation pictured in Figure 1.6. The difference
between the average man and the average woman is presumed to be large, and there is
almost no overlap between the sexes at all. But, despite the “Mars” and “Venus” stereo-
types, this is not the way things really are. As we’ll see in chapter 9, men do tend to have
higher sex drives, on average, than women do. Nevertheless, actual sex differences take
the form of the graphs shown in Figure 1.7, which depict ranges of interests and talents
that overlap to a substantial extent (Hyde et al., 2019).
The three graphs in Figure 1.7 illustrate sex differences that are considered by
researchers to be small, medium, and large, respectively. Formally, they differ with
respect to a d statistic that specifies the size of a difference between two groups.8 In
8To get a d score in these cases, you compute the difference between the average man and the average
woman, and divide it by the average differences among the scores within each sex (which is the standard
deviation of those scores). The resulting d value tells you how large the sex difference is compared to the
usual amount by which men and women differ among themselves.
FIGURE 1.6. An imaginary sex difference.
Popular stereotypes portray the sexes as being very different, with almost no overlap between
the styles and preferences of the two sexes. This is not the way things really are.
Some Ability or Trait
The Other Sex
N
um
be
r o
f P
eo
pl
e One Sex
Less More
FIGURE 1.7. Actual sex differences take the form of overlapping normal curves.
The three graphs depict small, medium, and large sex differences, respectively. (To keep them
simple, they portray the ranges of attitudes or behavior as being the same for both sexes. This
isn’t always the case in real life.)
d = .5
(a medium sex di�erence)
Score
BA d = .2
(a small sex di�erence)
Score
N
um
be
r o
f P
eo
pl
e
Score
d = .8
(a large sex di�erence)
C
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22 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
the realm of sexual attitudes and behavior, graph A depicts the different ages of men
and women when they first have intercourse (men tend to be slightly younger), graph
B illustrates the relative frequencies with which they masturbate (men masturbate
more often), and graph C depicts a hypothetical difference that is larger than any that
is known to actually exist. That’s right. A sprawling analysis of modern studies of
human sexuality involving 1,419,807 participants from 87 different countries failed to
find any difference in the sexual attitudes and behavior of men and women that was
as large as that pictured in graph C (Petersen & Hyde, 2010). Obviously, the real-life
examples that do exist look nothing like the silly stereotype pictured in Figure 1.6.
More specifically, these examples make three vital points about psychological sex
differences:
• Some differences are real but quite small. (Don’t be confused by researchers’
terminology; when they talk about a “significant” sex difference, they’re usually
referring to a “statistically significant”—that is, numerically reliable— difference,
and it may actually be quite modest in size.) Almost all of the differences between
men and women that you will encounter in this book fall in the small to medium
range.
• The range of behavior and opinions among members of a given sex is always huge
compared to the average difference between the sexes. Men are more accepting of
casual, uncommitted sex than women are (Petersen & Hyde, 2010), but that cer-
tainly doesn’t mean that all men like casual sex. Some men like to have sex with
strangers, but other men don’t like that at all, and the sexual preferences of the
two groups of men have less in common than those of the average man and the
average woman do. Another way to put this is that despite this sex difference in
sexual permissiveness, a highly permissive man has more in common with the
average woman on this trait than he does with a low-scoring man.
• The overlap in behavior and opinions is so large that many members of one sex
will always score higher than the average member of the other sex. With a sex
difference of medium size (with men higher and a d value of .5), one-third of all
women will still score higher than the average man. What this means is that if
you’re looking for folks who like casual sex, you shouldn’t just look for men because
you heard that “men are more accepting of casual sex than women are”; you should
look for permissive people, many of whom will be women despite the difference
between the sexes.
The bottom line is that men and women usually overlap so thoroughly that they are
much more similar than different on most of the dimensions and topics of interest to
relationship science (Zell et al., 2015). It’s completely misguided to suggest that men
and women come from different planets and are distinctly different because it simply
isn’t true (Hyde et al., 2019). “Research does not support the view that men and women
come from different cultures, let alone separate worlds” (Canary & Emmers-Sommer,
1997, p. vi). According to the careful science of relationships you’ll study in this book,
it’s more accurate to say that “men are from North Dakota, and women are from South
Dakota” (Dindia, 2006, p. 18). (Or, as a bumper sticker I saw one day suggests: “Men
are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.”)
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 23
Thus, sex differences in intimate relationships tend to be much less noteworthy
and influential than laypeople often think. Now that you’re reading a serious text on
intimate relationships, you need to think more carefully about sex differences and
interpret them more reasonably.9 There are interesting differences between the sexes
that are meaningful parts of the fabric of relationships, and we’ll encounter several of
them in the chapters that follow. But they occur in the context of even broader simi-
larities between the sexes, and the differences are always modest when they are com-
pared to the full range of human variation. It’s more work, but also more sophisticated
and accurate, to think of individual differences, not sex differences, as the more impor-
tant influences on interpersonal interaction. People differ among themselves whether
they are male or female (as in the case of attachment styles), and these variations are
usually much more consequential than sex differences are.
9Has this discussion led you to think that men and women are perhaps not as different as you had thought
they were? If so, you may be better off. Reading about the similarities of the sexes tends to reduce people’s
sexist beliefs that one sex is better than the other (Zell et al., 2016), and that’s a good thing. Such beliefs
have corrosive effects on relationships (Cross et al., 2017), and they’re best avoided. We’ll return to this
point in chapter 11.
Combating Simplistic Stereotypes
Here’s a joke that showed up in my
inbox one day:
How to Impress a Woman:
Compliment her. Cuddle her. Kiss her.
Caress her. Love her. Comfort her. Protect
her. Hug her. Hold her. Spend money on
her. Wine and dine her. Listen to her. Care
for her. Stand by her. Support her. Go to the
ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.
It’s a cute joke. But it may not be harmless. It
reinforces the stereotypes that women seek
warmth and tenderness in their relation-
ships, whereas men simply seek unemotional
sex. In truth, men and women differ little in
their desires in close relationships; they’re
not “opposite” sexes at all (Hyde, 2014). Al-
though individuals of both sexes may differ
substantially from each other, the differences
between the average man and the average
woman are usually rather small and often
quite trivial. Both women and men generally
want their intimate partners to provide them
with lots of affection and warmth (Brum-
baugh & Wood, 2013).
But so what? What are the conse-
quences of wrongly believing that men are all
alike, having little in common with women?
Pessimism and hopelessness, for two (Metts
& Cupach, 1990). People who really believe
that the sexes are very different are less likely
to try to repair their heterosexual relation-
ships when conflicts occur (as they inevita-
bly do). Thinking of the other sex as a bunch
of aliens from another world is not just
inaccurate—it can also be damaging, forestall-
ing efforts to understand a partner’s point of
view and preventing collaborative problem
solving. For that reason, I’ll try to do my part
to avoid perpetuating wrongful impressions
by comparing men and women to the other
sex, not the opposite sex, for the remainder of
this book. Words matter (MacArthur et al.,
2020), so I invite you to use similar language
when you think and talk about the sexes.
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24 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
Gender Differences
I need to complicate things further by distinguishing between sex differences and gender
differences in close relationships. When people use the terms c arefully, the term sex
differences refers to biological distinctions between men and women that spring naturally
from their physical natures. In contrast, gender differences refer to social and psycho-
logical distinctions that are created by our cultures and upbringing (Hyde et al., 2019).
For instance, when they are parents, women are mothers and men are fathers—that’s a
sex difference—but the common belief that women are more loving, more nurturant
parents than men reflects a gender difference. Many men are capable of just as much
tenderness and compassion toward the young as any woman is, but if we expect and
encourage women to be the primary caregivers of our children, we can create cultural
gender differences in parenting styles that are not natural or inborn at all.
Distinguishing sex and gender differences is often tricky because the social expec-
tations and training we apply to men and women are often confounded with their
biological sex (Eagly & Wood, 2012). For instance, because women lactate and men
do not, people often assume that predawn feedings of a newborn baby are the mother’s
job—even when the baby is being fed formula from a bottle that was warmed in a
microwave! It’s not always easy to disentangle the effects of biology and culture in
shaping our interests and abilities.
Moreover, our individual experiences of gender are much more complex than most
people think. Superficially, gender may seem to be a straightforward dichotomy—people
are either male or female—but in fact, our genders are constructed from a variety of dif-
ferent influences (see Figure 1.8) that can create a variety of different outcomes (Hammack
et al., 2019). Large surveys in the United States, for instance, find that between four
(Watson et al., 2020) and six percent (Goldberg et al., 2020) of LGBTQ10 people identify
as gender queer; that is, they reject the notion that people must be either male or female,
and they’re often attracted to transgendered or other gender nonconforming people
(Goldberg et al., 2020; see the “Transgenders’ Relationships” box on page 26). Most of
us are cisgender, which means that our current identities align with the sex we were
assigned at birth—but only 26 percent of us assert that we never feel a little like the other
sex, wish to some extent that we were the other sex, or wish now and then that we had
the body of the other sex (Jacobson & Joel, 2018). Gender is so complex and can be so
diverse that it’s more sensible to think of gender not as a binary classification with two
simple categories but as a spectrum that allows a range of possibilities (Reilly, 2019).
Conceivably, “there are as many genders as there are people” (Bergner, 2019, p. 44).
So, the distinction between one’s biological sex and one’s gender is meaningful,
particularly because some inf luential differences between men and women in
relationships—g ender differences—are largely taught to us as we grow up.
The best examples of this are our gender roles, the patterns of behavior that are
culturally expected of “normal” men and women. Men, of course, are supposed to be
“masculine,” which means that they are expected to be assertive, self-reliant, decisive,
and competitive. Women are expected to be “feminine,” or warm, sensitive, emotionally
expressive, and kind. You and I aren’t so unsophisticated, but they’re the opposite sexes
10This familiar abbreviation refers to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer people.
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 25
to most people, and to varying degrees men and women are expected to specialize in
different kinds of social behavior all over the world (Löckenhoff et al., 2014). However,
people inherit only about a quarter to a third of their tendencies to be assertive or
kind; most of these behaviors are learned (Lippa & Hershberger, 1999). In thoroughgo-
ing and pervasive ways, cultural processes of socialization and modeling (rather than
biological sex differences) lead us to expect that all men should be tough and all women
should be tender (Levant & Rankin, 2014).
Nevertheless, those stereotypes don’t describe real people as well as you might
think; only half of us have attributes that fit these gender role expectations cleanly
(Donnelly & Twenge, 2017). Instead of being just “masculine” or “feminine,” a sizable
minority of people—about 35 percent—are both assertive and warm, sensitive and self-
reliant. Such people possess both sets of the competencies that are stereotypically
associated with being male and with being female, and are said to be androgynous. If
androgyny sounds odd to you, you’re probably just using a stereotyped vocabulary: On
the surface, being “masculine” sounds incompatible with also being “feminine.” In fact,
because those terms can be confusing, relationship researchers often use alternatives,
referring to the “masculine” task-oriented talents as instrumental traits and to the “fem-
inine” social and emotional skills as expressive traits. And it’s not all that remarkable
FIGURE 1.8. Components of your gender.
Gender is multifaceted and complex. It emerges from a combination of (a) the sex to which
you were assigned when you were born, (b) your sense of the gender category that now
describes you best, (c) the social norms and expectations that you judge to apply to you,
(d) the ways in which you communicate—through your clothing, personal pronouns, and other
public acts—your gender to others, and (e) your preferences and judgments regarding your own
and others’ genders (including, for instance, sexism). These facets are presented with different
shapes to emphasize the fact that each of them is a distinct aspect of the person you consider
yourself to be.
Source: Tate, C. C., Youssef, C., & Bettergarcia, J. (2014). “Integrating the study of transgender spectrum and
cisgender experiences of self-categorization from a personality perspective,” Review of General Psychology, 18,
302–312.
Birth
assigned
gender
category
Current
gender
identity
a
b c
d
e
Gender
roles and
expectations
Gender
social
presentation
Gender
evaluations
Gender
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 25 12/01/21 4:03 PM
26 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
Transgenders’ Relationships
Fewer than one-half of 1 percent of Ameri-
cans are transgenders—being people whose
gender identities do not match the sex they
were assigned at birth—but they are not un-
common, numbering about 1,250,000 peo-
ple (Meerwijk & Sevelius, 2017). Gender is
complex (and frequently misunderstood by
laypeople [Doan et al., 2019]) and those who
were raised as one sex but who now seek to
live as the other sex face a great number of
challenges. When they decide to transition,
their existing partnerships may undergo con-
siderable change as their lovers adjust to
their new identities (Platt, 2020). Loving
partners may wish to support a transgender’s
well-being and growth but be uncertain about
their romantic desire for their sweethearts
after their transition (Dierckx et al., 2019).
And once a transition is public, both trans-
genders and their partners may encounter
disapproval and disregard from others that
cause them distress (Gamarel et al., 2019).
If transgenders seek new romantic part-
ners, their challenges continue. When cisgen-
der, heterosexual men and women rate photos
of the other sex, the images are judged to be
much less attractive when the others are said
to be transgender than when they’re said to be
cisgender (Mao et al., 2018). Indeed, when
they’re asked, 98 percent of heterosexual
women and 97 percent of heterosexual men
say that they would not consider dating a
trans man or a trans woman. Gay men and
lesbian women are more accepting, but not all
that much—transgenders were written off by
88 and 71 percent of them, respectively—and
just half (48 percent) of bisexual and gender
queer men and women consider transgenders
to be viable dating partners. These data “do
not paint an uplifting picture” of the dating
opportunities available to transgenders (Blair
& Hoskin, 2019, p. 2091).
Nevertheless, when they do find part-
ners, transgenders enjoy high levels of support
(particularly when their partners are other
transgenders) and are satisfied, on average,
with their relationships (Fuller & Riggs, 2020).
And the more commitment they experience,
the easier it’s for them to withstand the disap-
proval they may face from others (Gamarel
et al., 2019). On the whole then, although it
may be relatively hard for them to find loving
partners, it appears that the intimate relation-
ships of transgenders operate just the same as
anyone else’s. As we’ll see on page 35 when we
discuss sexual orientation, it doesn’t much
matter who we are or whom we love; people
are happier when others they find attractive
embrace them with responsive acceptance and
affection in a committed relationship.
to find both sets of traits in the same individual. An androgynous person would be
one who could effectively, assertively stand up for himself or herself in a heated salary
negotiation but who could then go home and sensitively, c ompassionately comfort a
preschool child whose pet hamster had died. A lot of people, those who specialize in
either instrumental or expressive skills, would feel at home in one of those situations
but not both. Androgynous people would be comfortable and capable in both domains
(Martin et al., 2017).
In fact, the best way to think of instrumentality and expressiveness is to consider
them to be two separate sets of skills that can range from low to high in either women
or men (Choi et al., 2007). Take a look at Table 1.2. Traditional women are high in
expressiveness but low in instrumentality; they’re warm and kind but not assertive
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 26 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 27
or dominant. Men who fulfill our traditional expectations are high in instrumentality
but low in expressiveness and are stoic, “macho” men. Androgynous people are both
instrumental and expressive. The rest of us—about 15 percent—are either high in the
skills typically associated with the other sex (and are said to be “cross-typed”) or
low in both sets of skills (and are said to be “undifferentiated”). Equal proportions
of men and women fall into the androgynous, cross-typed, and undifferentiated cat-
egories, so, as with sex differences, it’s simplistic and inaccurate to think of men and
women as wholly distinct groups of people with separate, different traits (Donnelly
& Twenge, 2017).
In any case, gender differences are of particular interest to relationship researchers
because, instead of making men and women more compatible, they “may actually be
responsible for much of the incompatibility” that causes relationships to fail (Ickes,
1985, p. 188). From the moment they meet, for instance, traditional men and women
enjoy and like each other less than androgynous people do. In a classic experiment,
Ickes and Barnes (1978) paired men and women in couples in which (a) both partners
fit the traditional gender roles, or (b) one or both partners were androgynous. The two
people were introduced to each other and then simply left alone for 5 minutes sitting
on a couch while the researchers covertly videotaped their interaction. The results were
striking. The traditional couples talked less, looked at each other less, laughed and
smiled less, and afterward reported that they liked each other less than did the other
couples. (Should this surprise us? Think about it: Stylistically, what do a masculine
man and a feminine woman have in common?) When an androgynous man met a
traditional woman, an androgynous woman met a traditional man, or two androgynous
people got together, they got along much better than traditional men and women did.
More importantly, the disadvantage faced by traditional couples does not disappear
as time goes by. Surveys of marital satisfaction demonstrate that marriages in which
both spouses adhere to stereotyped gender roles are generally less happy than those
enjoyed by nontraditional couples (Helms et al., 2006). With their different styles and
different domains of expertise, masculine men and feminine women simply do not find
as much pleasure in each other as less traditional, less stereotyped people do (Marshall,
2010).
Perhaps this should be no surprise. When human beings devote themselves to
intimate partnerships, they want affection, warmth, and understanding (Thomas et al.,
2020). People who are low in expressiveness—who are not very warm, tender, sensitive
TABLE 1.2. Gender Roles
Instrumental Traits Expressive Traits
Assertiveness Warmth
Self-Reliance Tenderness
Ambition Compassion
Leadership Kindness
Decisiveness Sensitivity to Others
Our culture encourages men to be highly instrumental and women to be highly expressive,
but which of these talents do you not want in an intimate companion?
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28 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
people—do not readily provide such warmth and tenderness; they are not very affection-
ate (Miller et al., 2003). As a result, men or women who have spouses who are low
in expressiveness are chronically less satisfied than are those whose partners are more
sensitive, understanding, and kind. Around the world (Cao et al., 2019; Lease et al.,
2013), across different ethnicities (Helms et al., 2019; Stanik & Bryant, 2012), and in
both straight and gay partnerships (Wade & Donis, 2007), traditional men have roman-
tic relationships of lower quality than more expressive men do. Thus, traditional gender
roles do men a disservice, depriving them of skills that would make them more reward-
ing husbands. Arguably, “when you rob people of the ability to feel and express the
whole range of human emotions in an appropriate way, you also undermine their
ability to connect and have the kinds of relationships we want our boys to have”
(Chotiner, 2020). In addition, the stoicism that is a hallmark of traditional masculinity
can actually be disadvantageous to men’s health; macho men are less likely than others
to engage in preventive health care and to seek mental health care services when they
need them (Pappas, 2019). Overall, it appears that no good “can come of teaching
boys that they can’t express emotion openly; that they have to be ‘tough all the time’;
that anything other than that makes them ‘feminine’ or weak” (Salam, 2019).
On the other hand, people who are low in instrumentality—who are low in asser-
tiveness and personal strength—tend to have low self-esteem and to be less well adjusted
than those who have better task-oriented skills (Stake & Eisele, 2010). People feel
better about themselves when they are competent and effective at “taking care of
Stoic, traditional masculinity can be disadvantageous in intimate relationships. People are
happier when they’re partnered with others who are higher in expressivity.
Sidney Harris/ScienceCartoonsPlus
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 29
business” (Reis et al., 2000), so traditional gender roles also do women a disservice,
depriving them of skills that would facilitate more accomplishments and achievements.
Such roles also seem to cost women money; around the world, traditional women earn
less on the job than their nontraditional co-workers do (Stickney & Konrad, 2007).
The upshot of all this is that both instrumentality and expressiveness are valuable
traits, and the happiest, best-adjusted, most effective, mentally healthy people possess
both sets of skills (Stake & Eisele, 2010). In particular, the most desirable spouses,
those who are most likely to have contented, satisfied partners, are people who are
both instrumental and expressive (Marshall, 2010). And in fact, when they ponder the
partners they’d like to have, most people say that they’d prefer androgynous partners
to those who are merely masculine or feminine (Thomae & Houston, 2016). So, sure
enough, boys in high school who are sensitive to others’ feelings have close to twice as
many friendships with girls as their more traditional peers do (Ciarrochi et al., 2017).
So, it’s ironic that we still tend to put pressure on those who do not rigidly adhere
to their “proper” gender roles. Women who display as much competitiveness and asser-
tiveness as men risk being perceived as pushy, impolite, and uppity (Williams &
Tiedens, 2016). If anything, however, gender expectations are stricter for men than for
women (Steinberg & Diekman, 2016); girls can be tomboys and nobody frets too much,
but if a boy is too feminine, people worry (Miller,
2018). U.S. gender roles are changing slowly but surely;
in particular, U.S. women are becoming more instru-
mental (Eagly et al., 2020), and young adults of both
sexes are gradually becoming more egalitarian and less
traditional in their views of men and women (Donnelly
et al., 2016). Nonetheless, even if they limit our indi-
vidual potentials and are right only half the time, gen-
der stereotypes persist (Haines et al., 2016). We still
expect and too often encourage men to be instrumental
and women to be expressive (Ellemers, 2018), and such expectations are important
complications for many of our close relationships.
Personality
Shaped by our experiences, some consequential differences among people (such as
attachment styles and gender differences) may change over a few years’ time, but other
individual differences are more stable and lasting. Personality traits influence people’s
behavior in their relationships across their entire lifetimes (Costa et al., 2019) with
only gradual change over long periods of time (Damian et al., 2019).
The central traits known as the Big Five traits characterize people all over the
world (Baranski et al., 2017), and they all affect the quality of the relationships people
have. On the positive side, extraverted, agreeable, and conscientious people who are
open to new experiences have happier relationships than do those who score lower on
those traits (Schaffhuser et al., 2014). Extraverted people are outgoing and agreeable
people are compassionate and trusting, so they tend to be likable. Conscientious peo-
ple work hard and tend to follow the rules, so they weren’t very popular in high school
(van der Linden et al., 2010), but once they grow up, they make dependable, trustworthy,
A Point to Ponder
If you saw a YouTube video of
a new father crying when he
holds his newborn baby for
the first time, would you ad-
mire him or disrespect him?
Why?
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30 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
desirable partners (Nickel et al., 2019). “People who are less conscientious exceed their
credit limit . . . cancel plans, curse, oversleep, and break promises” (J ackson et al.,
2010, p. 507), so they tend to be unreliable companions.
The most influential Big Five trait, however, is the one that has a negative impact:
negative emotionality (Malouff et al., 2010). High scorers are prone to anxiety and
anger, and those unhappy tendencies tend to result in touchy, pessimistic, and argu-
mentative interactions with others. In fact, a remarkable study that tracked 300 couples
over a span of 45 years found that a full 10 percent of the satisfaction and contentment
spouses would experience in their marriages could be predicted from measures of their
negative emotionality when they were still engaged (Kelly & Conley, 1987). The more
optimistic, positive, and emotionally stable the partners were, the happier their mar-
riages turned out to be, and that’s a result that has stood the test of time (van
Scheppingen et al., 2019). Everyone has good days and bad days, but some of us
chronically have more bad days (and fewer good ones) than other people (Borghuis
et al., 2020)—and those unlucky folks are especially likely to have unhappy, disappoint-
ing relationships. (Do take note of this when you’re shopping for a mate! And assess
your own Big Five traits, if you like, with the scale in Table 1.3.)
The Big Five are famous, but other notable traits influence our relationships, too.
Consider selfishness. Unselfish people are attentive to others’ needs and are generally
The Big Five Personality Traits
A small cluster of fundamental traits does
a good job of describing the broad themes
in behavior, thoughts, and emotions that
distinguish one person from another
(Costa et al., 2019). These key characteris-
tics are called the Big Five traits by person-
ality researchers, and they differ in their
inf luence on our intimate relationships.
Which of these traits do you think matter
most?
Open-mindedness—the degree to which peo-
ple are imaginative, curious, unconventional,
and artistic versus conforming, uncreative,
and stodgy.
Extraversion—the extent to which people are
gregarious, assertive, and sociable versus cau-
tious, reclusive, and shy.
Conscientiousness—the extent to which peo-
ple are dutiful, dependable, responsible, and
orderly versus unreliable, disorganized, and
careless.
Agreeableness—the degree to which people
are compassionate, cooperative, good-natured,
and trusting versus suspicious, selfish, and
hostile.
Negative Emotionality—the degree to which
people are prone to fluctuating moods and
high levels of negative emotion such as worry,
anxiety, and anger.
The five traits are listed in order from
the least important to the most influential
(Malouff et al., 2010). People are happier
when they have imaginative, adventurous, so-
ciable partners, but what you really want is a
lover who is responsible and reliable, gener-
ous and thoughtful, and optimistic and emo-
tionally stable. And after you’ve been together
for 30 years or so, you may find that conscien-
tiousness becomes particularly important
(Claxton et al., 2012); dependable partners
who keep all their promises are satisfying
companions (Williams et al., 2019).
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 31
TABLE 1.3 The Big Five Inventory–2 Extra-Short Form
These 15 items provide a very efficient way to reliably assess our Big Five traits (Soto &
John, 2017). To which trait does each item pertain? Which of the Five characterize you best?
Here are a number of characteristics that may or may not apply to you. For example, do you
agree that you are someone who likes to spend time with others? Please write a number next to
each statement to indicate the extent to which you agree or disagree with that statement.
1
Disagree
strongly
2
Disagree
a little
3
Neutral;
no opinion
4
Agree
a little
5
Agree
strongly
I am someone who…
1. ____ Tends to be quiet.
2. ____ Is compassionate, has a soft heart.
3. ____ Tends to be disorganized.
4. ____ Worries a lot.
5. ____ Is fascinated by art, music, or literature.
6. ____ Is dominant, acts as a leader.
7. ____ Is sometimes rude to others.
8. ____ Has difficulty getting started on tasks.
9. ____ Tends to feel depressed, blue.
10. ____ Has little interest in abstract ideas.
11. ____ Is full of energy.
12. ____ Assumes the best about people.
13. ____ Is reliable, can always be counted on.
14. ____ Is emotionally stable, not easily upset.
15. ____ Is original, comes up with new ideas.
Before you add up your scores for each of the traits, reverse the rating you gave yourself on items
1, 3, 7, 8, 10, and 14. That is, if you gave yourself a 1, change it to 5; 2 becomes 4, 4 becomes 2,
and a 5 should be changed to 1. Then, compile your total score for each trait this way:
Extraversion: items 1, 6, 11 Agreeableness: 2, 7, 12 Conscientiousness: 3, 8, 13
Negative Emotionality: 4, 9, 14 Open-Mindedness: 5, 10, 15
How do your scores compare to those of American college students? Average scores for Extra-
version range from 2.2 to 4; for Agreeableness, 3 to 4.4; for Conscientiousness, 2.6 to 4.2; for
Negative Emotionality, 2.1 to 3.9; and for Open-Mindedness, 2.7 to 4.3. Above or below those
scores, you’re noticeably higher or lower on that trait than most collegians in the United
States (Soto & John, 2017).
considerate and charitable (Diebels et al., 2018), and their selflessness is attractive
(Arnocky et al., 2017), in part because they seem trustworthy to others (Mogilski et al.,
2019). Their generosity also seems to pay off down the road; unselfish people have
more children and higher incomes during their lives than greedy, selfish people do
(Eriksson et al., 2020).
The BFI-2 items are copyright 2015 by Oliver P. John and Christopher J. Soto and are reprinted
with the generous permission of Dr. Soto and Dr. John.
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32 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
Negatively related to (but distinct from) selfishness is humility. Humble people
think that “no matter how extraordinary one’s accomplishments or characteristics may
be, one is not entitled” to special treatment from others (Banker & Leary, 2020,
p. 738). They not only lack arrogance, but they also recognize and accept their limita-
tions and don’t take offense when others disagree with them (Porter & Schumann,
2018)—and they’re more forgiving than most, too (Antonucci et al., 2019). So, they’re
easy to live with (Van Tongeren et al., 2019), and indeed, potential dating partners who
are humble are preferred to those who are more egotistical or self-important
(Van Tongeren et al., 2014). Selfishness and humility may well be other characteristics
you’ll wish to consider when you’re evaluating potential partners!
There are other more specific personal characteristics that regulate our relation-
ships, and I’ll mention several in later chapters. (Check out, for instance, whether or
not we like casual sex [on page 356] and whether or not we can control ourselves [on
page 549].) For now, let’s note that although our personalities clearly have a genetic
basis (Vukasović & Bratko, 2015), they can be shaped to a degree by our connections
to others. For instance, the agreeableness of husbands and wives drops during the first
18 months of their marriages as they adjust to their new roles and greater interdepen-
dence (Lavner et al., 2018). Overall, however, our personalities affect our relationships
more than our relationships, good or bad, change our personalities (Deventer et al.,
2019). People do mature and change as they age: On average, we become more con-
scientious, more agreeable, and more emotionally stable over time. But our standing
relative to our peers tends not to change, so that those of us who worry more than
most tend to remain more prone than others to negative emotions throughout our lives
(Damian et al., 2019). Whatever traits distinguish and characterize a potential partner
in his or her twenties are likely to still define him or her 50 years from now.
Self-Esteem
Most of us like ourselves, but some of us do not. Our evaluations of ourselves consti-
tute our self-esteem, and when we hold favorable judgments of our skills and traits, our
self-esteem is high; when we doubt ourselves, self-esteem is low. Because people with
high self-esteem are generally happier and more successful than those with low self-
regard (Orth & Robins, 2014), it’s widely assumed that it’s good to feel good about
yourself (Leary, 2019).
But how do people come to like themselves? A leading theory argues that self-
esteem is a subjective gauge, a sociometer, that measures the quality of our relationships
with others (Leary, 2012). When others like us, we like ourselves; when other people
regard us positively and value their relationships with us, self-esteem is high. However,
if we don’t interest others—if others seem not to care whether or not we are part of
their lives—self-esteem is low (Leary & Acosta, 2018). So, “self-esteem helps us keep
track of how well we are doing socially” (Leary, 2019, p. 2). It operates in this manner,
according to sociometer theory, because it is an evolved mechanism that serves our
need to belong. This argument s uggests that, because their reproductive success
depended on s taying in the tribe and being accepted by others, early humans became
sensitive to any signs of exclusion that might precede rejection by others. Self-esteem
became a psychological gauge that alerted people to declining acceptance by others,
miL04267_ch01_001-058.indd 32 12/01/21 4:03 PM
chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 33
and dislike or disinterest from others gradually caused people to dislike themselves
(Kavanagh & Scrutton, 2015).
This perspective nicely fits most of what we know about the origins and operation
of self-esteem. There’s no question, for instance, that people feel better about them-
selves when they think they’re attractive to the other sex (Bale & Archer, 2013). And
the regard we receive from others clearly affects our subsequent self- evaluations
(Jayamaha & Overall, 2019). In particular, events that involve interpersonal rejection
damage our self-esteem in a way that other disappointments do not. Leary and his
colleagues (1995) demonstrated this point in a clever study in which research partici-
pants were led to believe that they would be excluded from an attractive group either
through bad luck—they had been randomly selected to be sent home—or because they
had been voted out by the other members of the group. Even though the same desir-
able opportunity was lost in both situations, the people who had been personally
rejected felt much worse about themselves than did those whose loss was impersonal.
It’s also interesting to note that public events that others witness affect our self-esteem
more than do private events that are otherwise identical but are known only to us. In
this and several other respects, whether we realize it or not, our self-evaluations seem
to be much affected by what others think of us (Cameron & Granger, 2019), and this
is true around the world (Denissen et al., 2008).
Here is further evidence, then, that we humans are a very social species: It’s hard
to like ourselves (and, indeed, it would be unrealistic to do so) if others don’t like us,
too. In most cases, people with chronically low self-esteem have developed their nega-
tive self-evaluations through an unhappy history of failing to receive sufficient accep-
tance and appreciation from other people (Orth, 2018).
And sometimes, this is very unfair. Some people are victimized by abusive relation-
ships through no fault of their own, and, despite being likable people with fine social
skills, they develop low self-esteem as a result of mistreatment from others. What hap-
pens when those people enter new relationships with kinder, more appreciative part-
ners? Does the new feedback they receive slowly improve their self-esteem?
Not necessarily. A compelling program of research by Sandra Murray, John
Holmes, Joanne Wood, and Justin Cavallo has demonstrated that people with low self-
esteem sometimes sabotage their relationships by underestimating their partners’ love
for them (Murray et al., 2001) and perceiving disregard when none exists (Murray
et al., 2002). Take a look at Table 1.4. People with low self-regard find it hard to believe
that they are well and truly loved by their partners and, as a result, they tend not to
be optimistic that their loves will last. “Even in their closest relationships,” people with
low self-esteem “typically harbor serious (but unwarranted) insecurities about their
partners’ feelings for them” (Holmes & Wood, 2009, p. 250). This leads them to over-
react to their partners’ occasional bad moods (B ellavia & Murray, 2003); they feel
more rejected, experience more hurt, and get more angry than do those with higher
self-esteem. And these painful feelings make it harder for them to behave constructively
in response to their imagined peril. Whereas people with high self-regard draw closer
to their partners and seek to repair the relationship when frustrations arise, people
with low self-esteem defensively distance themselves, stay surly, and behave badly
(Murray, B ellavia et al., 2003). They also feel even worse about themselves (Murray,
Griffin et al., 2003).
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34 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
All of this occurs, say Murray and her colleagues (Cavallo et al., 2014), because
we take large risks when we come to depend on others. Close ties to an intimate
partner allow us to enjoy rich rewards of support and care, but they also leave us
vulnerable to devastating betrayal and rejection if our partners prove to be untrust-
worthy. Because they are confident about their partners’ love and regard for them,
p eople with high self-esteem draw closer to their partners when difficulties arise. In
contrast, people with low self-esteem have lasting doubts about their partners’ regard
and reliability, so when times get tough, they withdraw from their partners in an effort
to protect themselves. We all need to balance connectedness with self-protection, Mur-
ray’s team suggests, but people with low self-esteem put their fragile egos before their
relationships, and that’s self-defeating when they have loving, devoted partners and
there is nothing to fear (Murray et al., 2013).
TABLE 1.4. How My Partner Sees Me
Sandra Murray and her colleagues use this scale in their studies of self-esteem in close rela-
tionships. People with high self-esteem believe that their partners hold them in high regard,
but people with low self-esteem worry that their partners do not like or respect them as much.
What do you think your partner thinks of you?
In many ways, your partner may see you in roughly the same way you see yourself. Yet in
other ways, your partner may see you differently than you see yourself. For example, you may
feel quite shy at parties, but your partner might tell you that you really seem quite relaxed and
outgoing on these occasions. On the other hand, you and your partner may both agree that
you are quite intelligent and patient.
For each trait or attribute that follows, please indicate how you think that your partner sees
you. For example, if you think that your partner sees the attribute “self-assured” as moderately
characteristic of you, you would choose “5.”
Respond using the scale below. Please enter your response in the blank to the left of each
trait or attribute listed.
1
Not at All
Characteristic
2 3
Somewhat
Characteristic
4 5
Moderately
Characteristic
6 7
Very
Characteristic
8 9
Completely
Characteristic
My partner sees me as . . .
____ Kind and Affectionate ____ Tolerant and Accepting
____ Critical and Judgmental ____ Thoughtless
____ Self-Assured ____ Patient
____ Sociable/Extraverted ____ Rational
____ Intelligent ____ Understanding
____ Lazy ____ Distant
____ Open and Disclosing ____ Complaining
____ Controlling and Dominant ____ Responsive
____ Witty and Humorous ____ Immature
____ Moody ____ Warm
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 35
As a result, the self-doubts and thin skins of people with low self-esteem lead them
to make mountains out of molehills. They stay on alert for signs of rejection (H. Li
et al., 2012), and they wrongly perceive small bumps in the road as worrisome signs
of declining commitment in their partners. Then, if they seek reassurance, they do so
timidly and receive less understanding and support from their partners as a result
(Cortes & Wood, 2018). Even their Facebook updates tend to be pessimistic and self-
critical, and they receive fewer “likes” and comments than others do (Forest & Wood,
2012). By comparison, people with high self-esteem correctly shrug off the same small
bumps and remain confident of their partners’ acceptance and positive regard. The
unfortunate net result is that once it is formed, low self-esteem may be hard to over-
come (Kuster & Orth, 2013); even after 10 years of marriage, people with low self-
esteem still tend to believe that their spouses love and accept them less than those
faithful spouses really do (Murray et al., 2000), and that regrettable state of affairs
undermines their—and their spouse’s—satisfaction (Erol & Orth, 2013).
There is some good news in all of this: When they notice their lover’s insecurity,
devoted partners may increase their expressions of regard and affection (Lemay &
Ryan, 2018), intentionally offering compliments and encouragement that can boost
their lover’s self-esteem (Jayamaha & Overall, 2019). And overall, our self-esteem tends
to increase over the decades from young adulthood through middle age (Orth et al.,
2018). That’s fortunate because low self-esteem undermines relationships, making them
more fragile (Luciano & Orth, 2017), and relationships are clearly more fulfilling for
both partners when they both have high self-esteem (Robinson & Cameron, 2012).
Thus, our self-esteem appears to both result from and then subsequently steer our
interpersonal relationships (Harris & Orth, 2020). What we think of ourselves seems
to depend, at least in part, on the quality of our connections to others. And those
self-evaluations affect our ensuing interactions with new partners, who provide us fur-
ther evidence of our interpersonal worth. In fundamental ways, what we know of
ourselves emerges from our partnerships with others and then matters thereafter
(Mund et al., 2015).
Sexual Orientation
The last individual difference we’ll consider actually doesn’t make much of a difference.
Like gender, our sexual orientations are complex, being comprised of our identities (that
is, our self-definitions and self-presentations as heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, or
asexual11), our sexual attractions, and our actual sexual behaviors—and these components
do not always cohere as well as you might expect (Fu et al., 2019). Lots of people who
consider themselves to be heterosexual have experienced infatuations with, and fantasies
involving, others of the same sex (Savin-Williams, 2014). And in fact, in a large U.S.
sample, 15 percent of those who judged themselves to be “exclusively heterosexual” were
nevertheless strongly attracted to the other sex, and 6 percent of them had had sex with
someone of the same sex in the past year (Legate & Rogge, 2019). Like attachment
styles, sexual orientation is better understood as a continuum that takes various forms
than as a set of simple categories that don’t overlap at all (see Table 1.5).
11Asexuals don’t feel much sexual desire and aren’t sexually attracted to anyone.
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36 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
TABLE 1.5. Sexual Orientation is a Spectrum
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
Completely, Mostly Mildly Bisexual Mildly Mostly Completely,
exclusively,
heterosexual
heterosexual equally
attracted to
men and
women
homosexual exclusively,
homosexual
Scales like this one that allow people to report levels of other-sex and same-sex attractions
and behavior instead of simple categories of “heterosexual,” “bisexual,” or “homosexual” are
now routinely used in studies of sexuality. In 2019, using a similar scale, 24 percent of a
large sample of adults in Great Britain said they weren’t exclusively heterosexual or homosex-
ual (Waldersee, 2019).
Around the world, most people (90 percent of men and 91 percent of women) say
they’re heterosexual. Women (7 percent) are more likely to report a bisexual identity
than men (5 percent) are, whereas men (5 percent) are more likely than women
(2 percent) to report a homosexual identity (Rahman et al., 2020). Being minorities,
and despite dramatic recent shifts in public attitudes about same-sex relationships (see
page 345), lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) couples still often face a variety of burden-
some stressors—disregard, disapproval, and discrimination (Diamond & Blair, 2018)—
that don’t distress heterosexual couples (Rostosky & Riggle, 2017).
So, the social environments that LGB couples inhabit can still differ from those
of their heterosexual brothers and sisters (Ecker et al., 2019)—but the intimacy they
share inside their relationships does not (Frost et al., 2015). The nature and workings
of fulfilling connections between partners are not affected much by sexual orientation
at all. Other than their relative numbers, LGBs and heterosexuals are resoundingly
similar on most of the topics we’ll encounter in this book. For instance, gays and
lesbians exhibit the same attachment styles in the same proportions as heterosexual
men and women do (Roisman et al., 2008), and they, too, are happier with romantic
partners of high (rather than low) expressivity (Wade & Donis, 2007). They fall in love
the same way (Kurdek, 2006), benefit from marriage to the same extent (Chen & van
Ours, 2018), and feel the same passions, experience the same doubts, and feel the same
commitments as heterosexuals do (Joyner et al., 2019). (Why would you expect any-
thing different?)
Now, there are some potentially important differences between same-sex and other-
sex relationships. Gay men tend to be more expressive than heterosexual men, on aver-
age, and lesbians tend to be more instrumental than other women, so gays and lesbians
are less likely than heterosexuals to adhere to traditional gender roles (Lippa, 2005).
Gays and lesbians also tend to be better educated and to be more liberal (Grollman,
2017). But the big difference between same-sex and other-sex relationships is that a gay
couple is composed of two people who identify as men and a lesbian couple is composed
of two people who identify as women. To some degree, same-sex couples may behave
differently than heterosexual couples do, not because of their sexual orientations but
because of the sexes of the people involved. For instance, when their relationships are
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 37
new, gay men have sex more often than heterosexual
couples do, and lesbian couples have sex less often than
heterosexual couples do (Diamond, 2015). The more
men there are in a partnership, the more often the cou-
ple has sex—but that’s probably because men have higher
sex drives than women do (see page 360), not because
there’s anything special about gay men (Regan, 2015).
Notably, where differences in relationship function-
ing do exist, gays and lesbians are the clear winners.
They have better, more satisfying relationships than heterosexuals do, on average
(Coontz, 2020). They divide up household chores more fairly, communicate openly
and honestly, and respect and appreciate individual differences, so that they experience
less conflict than other-sex couples do (Rostosky & Riggle, 2017). Any notion that
there’s anything basically wrong with same-sex relationships is clearly absurd.
Bisexuals, however, tend not to fare as well. On average, they’re less satisfied
with their romantic relationships than lesbian, gay, or heterosexual couples are (Perales
& Baxter, 2018), and there may be several reasons why. Most of them (88 percent)
are partnered with someone of the other sex (Brown, 2019) who may or may not
share their orientation (Mark et al., 2020). In being attracted to both sexes, they
elicit suspicion from both heterosexuals and gays and lesbians (Feinstein & Dyar,
2018), and in many cases, “their lesbian or gay counterparts are their harshest crit-
ics” (Matsick & Rubin, 2018, p. 150). As a result, bisexuals are much less likely than
gays or lesbians to disclose their sexual orientation to others; whereas 75 percent of
gays and lesbians have “come out” to all or most of the important people in their
lives, only 19 percent of bisexuals have done so—and 26 percent of them haven’t
come out to anyone (Brown, 2019).
Note, however, that the difficulties bisexuals face result from misunderstanding and
disapproval from others. When they attain it, comfortable intimacy is satisfying to bisex-
uals just as it is everyone else (Mark et al., 2020), and the bottom line is that there’s
no reason to write two different books on Intimate Relationships12: Intimacy operates the
same way in both same-sex and other-sex partnerships, regardless of sexual orientation.
THE INFLUENCE OF HUMAN NATURE
Now that we have surveyed some key characteristics that distinguish people from one
another, we can address the possibility that our relationships display some underlying
themes that reflect the animal nature shared by all humankind. Our concern here is
with evolutionary influences that have shaped close relationships over countless gen-
erations, instilling in us certain tendencies that are found in everyone (Buss, 2019).
Evolutionary psychology starts with three fundamental assumptions. First, sexual
selection has helped make us the species we are today (Puts, 2016). You’ve probably
heard of natural selection, which refers to the advantages conferred on animals that
cope more effectively than others with predators and physical challenges such as food
A Point to Ponder
Obviously, in same-sex part-
nerships, people have part-
ners of the same sex. How
much do you think that con-
tributes to the success of their
relationships? Why?
12Thank goodness.
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38 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
shortages. Sexual selection involves advantages that result in greater success at repro-
duction. And importantly:
Contrary to what many people have been taught, evolution has nothing to do with the
survival of the fittest. It is not a question of whether you live or die. The key to evolu-
tion is reproduction. Whereas all organisms eventually die, not all organisms repro-
duce. Further, among those that do reproduce, some leave more descendants than
others. (Ash & Gallup, 2008, p. 313)
This point of view holds that motives such as the need to belong have presumably
come to characterize human beings because they were adaptive, conferring some sort of
reproductive advantage to those who possessed them. As I suggested earlier, the early
humans who sought cooperative closeness with others were probably more likely than
asocial loners to have children who grew up to have children of their own. Over time, then,
to the extent that the desire to affiliate with others is heritable (and it is; Tellegen et al.,
1988), sexual selection would have made the need to belong more prevalent, with fewer
and fewer people being born without it. In keeping with this example, evolutionary prin-
ciples assert that any universal psychological mechanism exists in its present form because
it consistently solved some problem of survival or reproduction in the past (Buss, 2019).
Second, evolutionary psychology suggests that men and women should differ from
one another only to the extent that they have historically faced different reproductive
dilemmas (Geary, 2010). Thus, men and women should behave similarly in close rela-
tionships except in those instances in which different, specialized styles of behavior
would allow better access to mates or promote superior survival of one’s offspring. Are
there such situations? Let’s address that question by posing two hypothetical queries:
If, during one year, a man has sex with 100 different women, how many children can
he father? (The answer, of course, is “lots, perhaps as many as 100.”)
If, during one year, a woman has sex with 100 different men, how many children can
she have? (Probably just one.)
Obviously, there’s a big difference in the minimum time and effort that men and women
have to invest in each child they produce. For a man, the minimum requirement is a
single ejaculation; given access to receptive mates, a man might father hundreds of
children during his lifetime. But a woman can have children only until her menopause,
and each child she has requires an enormous investment of time and energy. These
biological differences in men’s and women’s obligatory parental investment—the time,
energy, and resources one must provide to one’s offspring in order to reproduce—may
have supported the evolution of different strategies for selecting mates (Geary, 2000).
Conceivably, given their more limited reproductive potential, women in our ancestral
past who chose their mates carefully reproduced more successfully (with more of their
children surviving to have children of their own) than did women who were less
thoughtful and deliberate in their choices of partners. In contrast, men who promiscu-
ously pursued every available sexual opportunity may have reproduced more success-
fully. If they flitted from partner to partner, their children may have been less likely to
survive, but what they didn’t offer in quality (of parenting) they could make up for in
quantity (of children). Thus, today—as this evolutionary account predicts—women do
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 39
choose their sexual partners more carefully than men do. They insist on smarter,
friendlier, more prestigious, and more emotionally stable partners than men will accept,
and they are less interested in casual, uncommitted sex than men are (N. Li et al.,
2012). Perhaps this sex difference evolved over time.
Another reproductive difference between the sexes is that a woman always knows
for sure whether or not a particular child is hers. By comparison, a man suffers pater-
nity uncertainty; unless he is completely confident that his mate has been faithful to
him, he cannot be absolutely certain that her child is his (Buss & Schmitt, 1993).
Perhaps because of that, even though women cheat less than men do (Tsapelas et al.,
2011), men are more preoccupied with worries about their partners’ infidelity than
women are (Schützwohl, 2006). This difference, too, may have evolved over time.
An evolutionary perspective also makes a distinction between short-term and long-term
mating strategies (Buss & Schmitt, 1993). Men and women both seem to pursue different
sorts of attributes in the other sex when they’re having a brief fling than when they’re
entering a longer, more committed relationship. In particular, men have a greater desire
than women do for sexual liaisons of short duration; they are more interested in brief affairs
with a variety of partners, and when they enter new relationships, they’re ready to have sex
sooner than women are (Schmitt, 2016). As a result, when they’re on the prowl, men are
attracted to women who seem to be sexually available and “easy” (Schmitt et al., 2001).
However, if they think about settling down, the same men who consider promiscuous
women to be desirable partners in casual relationships often prefer chaste women as pro-
spective spouses (Buss, 2000). When they’re thinking long-term, men also value physical
attractiveness more than women do; they seek wives who are young and pretty, and as they
age, they marry women increasingly younger than themselves (Conway et al., 2015).
Women exhibit different patterns. When women select short-term mates—particu-
larly when they have extramarital affairs (Greiling & Buss, 2000)—they seek sexy, char-
ismatic, dominant men with lots of masculine appeal. But when they evaluate potential
husbands, they look for good financial prospects; they seek men with incomes and
resources who presumably can provide a safe environment for their children, even when
those men aren’t the sexiest guys in the pack (Gangestad & Simpson, 2000). In general,
women care more than men do about the financial prospects and status of their long-
term partners (Conroy-Beam et al., 2015).
The effort to delineate human nature by identifying patterns of behavior that are
found in all of humanity is one of the compelling aspects of the evolutionary perspec-
tive. In fact, the different preferences I just mentioned—with men valuing good looks
and women valuing good incomes—have been found in dozens of cultures, everywhere
they have been studied around the world (Buss, 2019).13 However, an evolutionary
perspective does not imply that culture is unimportant.
13Here’s a chance for you to rehearse what you learned earlier in this chapter about sex differences. On aver-
age, men and women differ in the importance they attach to physical attractiveness and income, but that
doesn’t mean that women don’t care about looks and men don’t care about money. And overall, as we’ll see
in chapter 3, men and women mostly want the same things, such as warmth, emotional stability, and generous
affection, from their romantic partners. Despite the sex differences I just described, people do not want looks
or money at the expense of other valuable characteristics that men and women both want (Li, 2008). Finally,
before I finish this footnote, do you see how differences in parental investment may underlie men’s interest
in looks and women’s interest in money? Think about it, and we’ll return to this point in chapter 3.
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40 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
Indeed, a third basic assumption of evolutionary psychology is that cultural influ-
ences determine whether evolved patterns of behavior are adaptive—and cultural change
occurs faster than evolution does. Our ancient forebears were walking around on two
legs millions of years ago,14 facing challenges we can only imagine. A best guess is that
more than one in every four infants failed to survive their first year of life, and about
half didn’t live long enough to reach puberty (Volk & Atkinson, 2013). Things are
different now. Our species displays patterns of behavior that were adaptive eons ago,
but not all of those inherited tendencies may fit the modern environments we inhabit
today (Li et al., 2018). For instance, cavemen may have reproduced successfully if they
tried to mate with every possible partner, but modern men may not: In just the last
two generations, we have seen (a) the creation of reproductive technologies—such as
birth control pills—that allow women complete control of their fertility, and (b) the
spread of a lethal virus that is transmitted through sexual contact (the human immu-
nodeficiency virus that causes AIDS). These days, a desire for multiple partners is
probably less adaptive for men than it was millions of years ago. Conceivably, modern
men may reproduce more successfully if they display a capacity for commitment and
monogamy that encourages their partners to allow a pregnancy to occur. But the
human race is still evolving. Sexual selection will ultimately favor styles of behavior
that fit our new environment, but it will take several thousand generations for such
adaptations to occur. (And how will our cultures have changed by then?)
Thus, an evolutionary perspective provides a fascinating explanation for common
patterns in modern relationships (Eastwick, 2016): Certain themes and some sex dif-
ferences exist because they spring from evolved psychological mechanisms that were
useful long ago. We are not robots who are mindlessly enacting genetic directives, and
we are not all alike (Boutwell & Boisvert, 2014), but we may all have inherited habits
that are triggered by the situations we encounter. Moreover, our habits may fit our
modern situations to varying degrees. Behavior results from the interplay of both per-
sonal and situational influences, but some common reactions in people result from
evolved human nature itself:
The pressures to which we have been exposed over millennia have left a mental and
emotional legacy. Some of these emotions and reactions, derived from the species who
were our ancestors, are unnecessary in a modern age, but these vestiges of a former
existence are indelibly printed in our make-up. (Winston, 2002, p. 3)
This is a provocative point of view that has attracted both acclaim and criticism.
On the one hand, the evolutionary perspective has prompted intriguing new discov-
eries (Buss, 2019). On the other hand, assumptions about the primeval social envi-
ronments from which human nature emerged are necessarily speculative. And
importantly, critics assert, an evolutionary model is not the only reasonable
explanation for many of the patterns at issue (Eagly & Wood, 2013). Women may
have to pick their mates more carefully than men do, for instance, not because of
14I don’t know about you, but this blows my mind. The bones of Lucy, the famous female Australopithecus
afarensis, are estimated to be 3.2 million years old, a span of time I find to be incomprehensible. That’s
how long our predecessors have been adjusting, adapting, and reproducing. Is it so unlikely that, even in the
midst of huge individual idiosyncrasy, some behavioral patterns became commonplace?
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 41
the pressures of parental investment but because cultures routinely allow women
less control over financial resources (Wood & Eagly, 2007); arguably, women have
to be concerned about their spouses’ incomes when it’s hard for them to earn as
much money themselves. If women routinely filled similar roles and had social
status as high as men’s, women’s greater interest in a mate’s money might be much
reduced (Zentner & Mitura, 2012).
Thus, critics of an evolutionary perspective emphasize the role of culture in
shaping male and female behavior (Eagly & Wood, 2012), and they contend that
patterns of behavior that are presumed to be evolved tendencies are both less notice-
able and more variable across cultures than an evolutionary model would suggest
(Eagly & Wood, 2013). Proponents respond that, of course, cultures are hugely
inf luential—after all, they determine which behaviors are adaptive and which are
not—but there are differences in the mating strategies and behavior of men and
women that can’t be explained by social roles and processes (Buss & Schmitt, 2019).
The contest between these camps isn’t finished (Buss & von Hippel, 2018), and we’ll
encounter it again later on. For now, one thing is certain: Right or wrong, evolution-
ary models have generated fascinating research that has been good for relationship
science. And take note of the bottom line: Whether it evolved or was a social creation
(or both), there may well be a human nature that shapes our intimate relationships.
THE INFLUENCE OF INTERACTION
The final building block of relationships is the interaction that the two partners share. So
far, we’ve focused on the idiosyncratic experiences and personalities that individuals bring
to a relationship, but it’s time to acknowledge that relationships are much more than the
sum of their parts. Relationships emerge from the combination of their participants’ his-
tories and talents (Mund et al., 2016), and those amalgamations may be quite different
from the simple sum of the individuals who create them. Chemists are used to thinking
this way; when they mix two elements (such as hydrogen and oxygen), they often get a
compound (such as water) that doesn’t resemble either of its constituent parts. In a
similar fashion, the relationship two people create results from contributions from each
of them but may only faintly resemble the relationships they share with other people.
Consider the levels of trust you feel toward others. Even if you’re a secure and
trusting person, you undoubtedly trust some people more than others because trust is
a two-way street that is influenced both by your dispositions and those of your partners
(Simpson, 2007). Moreover, it emerges from the dynamic give-and-take you and your
partners share each day; trust is a fluid process rather than a static, changeless thing,
and it ebbs and flows in all of your relationships.
Every intimate relationship is like this. Individually, two partners inevitably encoun-
ter fluctuating moods and variable health and energy; then, when they interact, their
mutual influence on one another may produce a constantly changing variety of out-
comes (Totenhagen et al., 2016). Over time, of course, unmistakable patterns of inter-
action will often distinguish one relationship from another (Finkel et al., 2017). Still,
at any given moment, a relationship may be an inconstant entity, the product of shift-
ing transactions of complex people.
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42 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
Overall, then, relationships are constructed of diverse influences that may range from
the fads and fashions of current culture to the basic nature of the human race. Working
alongside those generic influences are various idiosyncratic factors such as personality
and experience, some of them learned and some of them inherited. And ultimately, two
people who hail from the same planet—but who may otherwise be somewhat different in
every other respect—begin to interact. The result may be frustrating or fulfilling, but the
possibilities are always fascinating—and that’s what relationships are made of.
THE DARK SIDE OF RELATIONSHIPS
I began this chapter by asserting the value of intimacy to human beings, so, to be fair,
I should finish it by admitting that intimacy has potential costs as well. We need inti-
macy—we suffer without it—but distress and displeasure sometimes result from our
dealings with others. Indeed, relationships can be disappointing in so many ways that
whole books can, and have been, written about their drawbacks (Spitzberg & Cupach,
2014)! When they’re close to others, people may fear that their sensitive secrets will
be revealed or turned against them. They may dread the loss of autonomy and personal
control that comes with interdependency (Baxter, 2004), and they may worry about
being abandoned by those on whom they rely. They recognize that there is dishonesty
in relationships and that people sometimes confuse lust with love (Diamond, 2014).
And in fact, most of us (56 percent) have had a troublesome relationship in the last
5 years (Levitt et al., 1996), so these are not empty fears.
Some of us fear intimacy (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2018). Indeed, some of us anx-
iously expect that others will reject us, and we live on edge waiting for the relational
axe to fall (Kawamoto et al., 2015). But whether our fears are overstated or merely
realistic, we’re all likely to experience unexpected, frustrating costs in our relationships
on occasion (Miller, 1997). And the deleterious consequences for our physical health
of disappointment and distress in our close relationships can be substantial
(Gouin et al., 2020).
So why take the risk? Because we are a social species. We need each other. We
prematurely wither and die without close connections to other people. Relationships
can be complex, but they are essential parts of our lives, so they are worth understand-
ing as thoroughly as possible. I’m glad you’re reading this book, and I’ll try to facilitate
your understanding in the chapters that follow.
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Mark and Wendy met during their junior years in college, and they instantly found
a lot to like in each other. Wendy was pretty and very feminine and rather meek,
and Mark liked the fact that he was able to entice her to have sex with him on their
second date. Wendy was susceptible to his charms because she unjustly doubted her
desirability, and she was excited that a dominant, charismatic man found her attrac-
tive. They started cohabitating during their senior years and married 6 months after
graduation. They developed a traditional partnership, with Wendy staying home when
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 43
their children were young and Mark applying himself to his career. He succeeded in
his profession, winning several lucrative promotions, but Wendy began to feel that
he was married more to his work than to her. She wanted him to talk to her more,
and he began to wish that she was eating less and taking better care of herself.
Having read this chapter, what do you think the future holds for Mark and Wendy?
How happy will they be with each other in another 10 years? Why?
KEY TERMS
CHAPTER SUMMARY
The Nature and Importance of Intimacy
This book focuses on adult friendships and romantic relationships.
The Nature of Intimacy. Intimate relationships differ from more casual associa-
tions in at least seven specific ways: knowledge, interdependence, caring, trust, responsive-
ness, mutuality, and commitment.
The Need to Belong. Humans display a need to belong, a drive to maintain regular
interaction with affectionate, intimate partners. Adverse consequences may follow if
the need remains unfulfilled over time.
The Influence of Culture
Cultural norms regarding relationships in the United States have changed dra-
matically over the last 50 years. Fewer people are marrying than ever before, and those
knowledge ………………………………….. p. 2
interdependence ………………………… p. 2
caring ………………………………………… p. 2
trust …………………………………………… p. 2
responsiveness …………………………… p. 2
mutuality …………………………………… p. 2
commitment ………………………………. p. 2
need to belong …………………………… p. 4
singlism……………………………………… p. 9
technoference …………………………… p. 12
phubbing………………………………….. p. 12
sex ratio …………………………………… p. 13
attachment styles……………………… p. 14
secure ………………………………………. p. 14
anxious-ambivalent …………………… p. 14
avoidant …………………………………… p. 15
secure attachment ……………………. p. 16
preoccupied attachment …………… p. 16
fearful attachment ……………………. p. 16
dismissing attachment ……………… p. 16
avoidance of intimacy ……………… p. 16
anxiety about abandonment …….. p. 17
gender roles …………………………….. p. 24
androgynous …………………………….. p. 25
instrumental traits ……………………. p. 25
expressive traits ……………………….. p. 25
open-mindedness ……………………… p. 30
extraversion ……………………………… p. 30
conscientiousness …………………….. p. 30
agreeableness …………………………… p. 30
negative emotionality ……………….. p. 30
selfishness ……………………………….. p. 30
humility …………………………………… p. 32
self-esteem ……………………………….. p. 32
sociometer ……………………………….. p. 32
parental investment ………………….. p. 38
paternity uncertainty ……………….. p. 39
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44 chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships
who do marry wait longer to do so. People routinely cohabit, and that often makes a
future divorce more, not less, likely.
Sources of Change. Economic changes, increasing individualism, and new technol-
ogy contribute to cultural change. So does the sex ratio; cultures with high sex ratios
are characterized by traditional roles for men and women, whereas low sex ratios are
correlated with more permissive behavior.
The Influence of Experience
Children’s interactions with their caregivers produce different styles of attachment.
Four styles—secure, preoccupied, fearful, and dismissing—which differ in avoidance of
intimacy and anxiety about abandonment, are now recognized.
These orientations are mostly learned. Thus, our beliefs about the nature and
worth of close relationships are shaped by our experiences within them.
The Influence of Individual Differences
There’s wide variation in people’s abilities and preferences, but individual differ-
ences are usually gradual and subtle instead of abrupt.
Sex Differences. Despite lay beliefs that men and women are quite different, most
sex differences are quite small. The range of variation among members of a given sex
is always large compared to the average difference between the sexes, and the overlap
of the sexes is so substantial that many members of one sex will always score higher
than the average member of the other sex. Thus, the sexes are much more similar than
different on most of the topics of interest to relationship science.
Gender Differences. Gender differences refer to social and psychological distinctions
that are taught to people by their cultures. Men are expected to be dominant and assertive,
women to be warm and emotionally expressive—but a third of us are androgynous and pos-
sess both instrumental, task-oriented skills and expressive, social and emotional talents. Men
and women who adhere to traditional gender roles do not like each other, either at first
meeting or later during a marriage, as much as less stereotyped, androgynous people do.
Personality. Personality traits are stable tendencies that characterize people’s
thoughts, feelings, and behavior across their whole lives. Open-mindedness, extraversion,
agreeableness, and conscientiousness help produce pleasant relationships, but negative
emotionality undermines one’s contentment.
Self-Esteem. What we think of ourselves emerges from our interactions with oth-
ers. The sociometer theory argues that if others regard us positively, self-esteem is high,
but if others don’t want to associate with us, self-esteem is low. People who have low
self-esteem undermine and sabotage their close relationships by underestimating their
partners’ love for them and overreacting to imagined threats.
Sexual Orientation. Lesbians and gays experience intimacy in the same ways that
heterosexuals do, but often enjoy relationships that are more satisfying; there may be
advantages—greater equality, better communication, more respect—in having a partner
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chapter 1: The Building Blocks of Relationships 45
of the same sex. Bisexuals elicit more suspicion, but they, too, prosper in loving
relationships.
The Influence of Human Nature
An evolutionary perspective assumes that sexual selection shapes humankind,
influenced, in part, by sex differences in parental investment and paternity uncertainty.
The sexes pursue different mates when they’re interested in a long, committed relation-
ship than they do when they’re interested in a short-term affair. The evolutionary
perspective also assumes that cultural influences determine whether inherited habits
are still adaptive—and some of them may not be.
The Influence of Interaction
Relationships result from the combinations of their participants’ histories and
talents, and thus are often more than the sum of their parts. Relationships are fluid
processes rather than static entities.
The Dark Side of Relationships
There are potential costs, as well as rewards, to intimacy. So why take the risk?
Because we are a social species, and we need each other.
SUGGESTIONS FOR SATISFACTION
Here is some news you can use from this chapter that may improve your chances for
contentment in close relationships.
• Enter casual cohabitation cautiously. It tends to be less satisfying than marriage
usually is.
• Put away your phone when it’s time to pay attention to your partner.
• Strive to be trusting, relaxed, and comfortable with interdependent intimacy—and
seek partners who are, as well.
• Seek partners with both instrumental and expressive skills who are competent and
self-reliant and warm, compassionate, and tender.
• Given a choice, choose an optimistic partner over one who is pessimistic, anxious,
and fretful.
• Seek partners who deserve to like themselves and do.
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59
C H A P T E R 2
Research Methods
The Short History of Relationship Science ♦ Developing a Question
♦ Obtaining Participants ♦ Choosing a Design ♦ The Nature of Our
Data ♦ The Ethics of Such Endeavors ♦ Interpreting and Integrating
Results ♦ A Final Note ♦ For Your Consideration ♦ Key terms ♦ chapter
summary ♦ suggestions for satisfaction ♦ references
I bet you dread a chapter on research methods. You probably regard it as a distraction
to be endured before getting to “the good stuff.” Love, sex, and jealousy probably appeal
to you, for instance, but research methodology isn’t at the top of your list.
Nevertheless, for several reasons, some basic knowledge of the methods used by
researchers is especially valuable for consumers of relationship science. For one
thing, more charlatans and imposters compete for your attention in this field than
in most others. Bookstores and websites are full of ideas offered by people who don’t
really study relationships at all but who (a) base suggestions and advice on their
own idiosyncratic experiences, or (b) even worse, simply make them up (MacGeorge
& Hall, 2014). Appreciating the difference between trustworthy, reliable information
and simple gossip can save you money and disappointment. Moreover, misinforma-
tion about relationships is more likely to cause people real inconvenience than are
misunderstandings in other sciences. People who misunderstand the nature of the
solar system, for instance, are much less likely to take action that will be disadvanta-
geous to them than are people who are misinformed about the effects of divorce on
children. Studies of relationships often have real human impact in everyday life
(Karney et al., 2018).
Indeed, this book speaks more directly to topics that affect you personally than
most other texts you’ll ever read. Because of this, you have a special responsibility to
be an informed consumer who can distinguish flimsy whimsy from solid truths.
This isn’t always easy. As we’ll see in this chapter, there may be various ways to
address a specific research question, and each may have its own particular advantages
and disadvantages. Reputable scientists gather and evaluate information systematically
and carefully, but no single technique may provide the indisputable answers they seek.
A thoughtful understanding of relationships often requires us to combine information
from many studies, evaluating diverse facts with judicious discernment. This chapter
provides the overview of the techniques of relationship science that you need to make
such judgments.
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60 chapter 2: Research Methods
Only basic principles are described here—this is one of the shortest chapters in
the book—but they should help you decide what evidence to accept and what to ques-
tion. And trust me. There’s a lot here that’s worth thinking about even if you’ve read
a Methods chapter before. Hopefully, when we’re finished you’ll be better equipped to
distinguish useful research evidence from useless anecdotes or mere speculation. For
even more information, don’t hesitate to consult other sources such as Mehl and
Conner (2012) and Leary (2017).
THE SHORT HISTORY OF RELATIONSHIP SCIENCE
Isaac Newton identified some of the basic laws of physics over 300 years ago (back
in 1687). Biology and chemistry have been around for just as long. The systematic
study of human relationships, on the other hand, is a recent invention that is so new
and so recent that you can actually talk, if you want, with most of the scientists who
have ever studied human intimacy! This is no small matter. Because relationship
science has a short history, it is less well known than most other sciences, and for
that reason, it is less well understood. Very few people outside of colleges and uni-
versities appreciate the extraordinary strides this new discipline has made in the last
55 years.
Until the mid-twentieth century, relationships were pondered mainly by philosophers
and poets. They had lots of opinions—doesn’t everybody?—but those views were only
opinions, and many of them were wrong. So, the first efforts of behavioral scientists
to conduct empirical observations of real relationships were momentous developments.
Relationship science can be said to have begun in the 1930s with a trickle of histori-
cally important studies of children’s friendships (e.g., Moreno, 1934) and courtship
and marriage (e.g., Waller, 1937). However, relatively few relationship studies were
done before World War II. After the war, several important field studies, such as
Whyte’s (1955) Street Corner Society and Festinger, Schachter, and Back’s (1950) study
of student friendships in campus housing, attracted attention and respect. Still, as the
1950s drew to a close, a coherent science of relationships had yet to begin. The pres-
ident of the American Psychological Association even complained that “psychologists,
at least psychologists who write textbooks, not only show no interest in the origin and
development of love and affection, but they seem to be unaware of its very existence”
(Harlow, 1958, p. 673)!
That began to change, thank goodness, when an explosion of studies put the
field on the scientific map in the 1960s and 1970s. Pioneering scientists Ellen Ber-
scheid and Elaine Hatfield began systematic studies of attraction and love that were
fueled by a new emphasis on laboratory experiments in social psychology (Reis et
al., 2013). In a quest for precision that yielded unambiguous results, researchers
began studying specific inf luences on relationships that they were able to control
and manipulate. For instance, in a prominent line of research on the role of attitude
similarity in liking, Donn Byrne and his colleagues (e.g., Byrne & Nelson, 1965)
asked people to inspect an attitude survey that had supposedly been completed by
a stranger in another room. Then, they asked the participants how much they liked
the stranger. What the participants didn’t know was that the researchers had
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chapter 2: Research Methods 61
prepared the survey either to agree or disagree with the participants’ own attitudes
(which had been assessed earlier). This manipulation of attitude similarity had clear
effects: Apparent agreement caused people to like the stranger more than disagree-
ment did.
The methodological rigor of procedures like these satisfied researchers’ desires for
clarity and concision. They legitimized and popularized the study of interpersonal attrac-
tion, making it an indispensable part of psychology textbooks for the first time. In retro-
spect, however, these investigations often did a poor job of representing the natural
complexity of real relationships. The participants in many of Byrne’s experiments never
actually met that other person or interacted with him or her in any way. Indeed, in the
procedure I’ve been describing, a meeting couldn’t occur because the stranger didn’t actu-
ally exist! In this “phantom stranger” technique, people were merely reacting to check
marks on a piece of paper and were the only real participants in the study. The research-
ers were measuring attraction to someone who wasn’t even there. Byrne and his colleagues
chose this method, limiting their investigation to one carefully controlled aspect of relation-
ship development, to study it conclusively. However, they also created a rather sterile situ-
ation that lacked the immediacy and drama of chatting with someone face-to-face on a
first date.
But don’t underestimate the importance of studies like these. They demon-
strated that relationships could be studied scientifically and that such investigations
had enormous promise, and they brought relationship science to the attention of
fellow scholars for the first time (Reis, 2012). And in the decades since, through
the combined efforts of family scholars, psychologists, sociologists, communication
researchers, and neuroscientists, relationship science has grown and evolved to
encompass new methods of considerable complexity and sophistication. Today, rela-
tionship science
• often uses diverse samples of people drawn from all walks of life and from around
the world,
• examines varied types of family, friendship, and romantic relationships,
• frequently studies those relationships over long periods of time,
• studies both the pleasant and unpleasant aspects of relationships,
• often follows relationships in their natural settings, and
• uses sophisticated technology.
Here are some examples of how the field currently operates:
• At Northwestern University, Eli Finkel and his colleagues have conducted “speed-
dating” studies in which singles rotate through short conversations with 10 different
potential romantic partners. Participants spend 4 minutes chatting with someone,
record their reactions to the interaction, and then move on to someone new. The
dating prospects are real; if both members of a couple indicate that they would like
to see each other again, the researchers give them access to a website where they can
exchange messages. But the researchers have also been able to inspect the building
blocks of real romantic chemistry as people pursue new mates (Vacharkulksemsuk
et al., 2016). (Watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hOKtyQMZeE for further
detail.)
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62 chapter 2: Research Methods
• At the University of Texas at Arlington, William Ickes and his colleagues have
studied spontaneous, unscripted interactions between people who have just met
by leaving them alone on a comfortable couch for a few minutes while their
conversation is covertly recorded. A camera is actually hidden in another room
across the hall and can’t be seen even if you’re looking directly at it, so there’s
no clue that anyone is watching. Afterward, if the participants give their permis-
sion for their recordings to be used, they can review the tapes of their interaction
in private cubicles where they are invited to report what they were thinking—and
what they thought their partners were thinking—at each point in the interaction. The
method thus provides an objective recording of the interaction (Babcock et al.,
2014), and participants’ thoughts and feelings and perceptions of one another can
be obtained, too.
• In the Virtual Human Interaction Lab at Stanford University, two people play a
game of 20 Questions—trying to guess someone’s secret word (such as “ocean”)
by asking 20 yes or no questions—while their facial expressions are tracked and
mapped onto avatars in a virtual environment. Each player can only see the
other’s avatar, and that allows Jeremy Bailenson and his colleagues to subtly
manipulate the expressions each person sees (Oh et al., 2016). People enjoy their
interaction more when they see smiles on the simulated faces of their partners
that are slightly bigger and broader than the real smiles their partners are display-
ing (see Figure 2.1). Immersive virtual realities are allowing researchers to home
in on the individual influences that underlie enjoyable interactions. (See what the
Lab is doing at https://vhil.stanford.edu/.)
Normal Smile
Condition
Accurate representation
of smiling behavior
Enhanced Smile
Condition
Enhanced representation
of smiling behavior
Mouth Open-Close
Condition
Slight smile regardless
of smiling behavior
FIGURE 2.1. Real versus “enhanced” facial expressions in virtual reality.
Gesture tracking systems and modern modeling techniques allow researchers to manage and
manipulate the expressions people see on the faces of their partners during interactions in vir-
tual environments. Here, “enhanced” smiles that were augmented by the researchers made an
interaction more enjoyable than the participants’ real smiles did. (An avatar’s mouth in an
“open-close” face moved as the person talked, but the avatar never smiled even when its
owner really did.)
Source: Oh, S. Y., Bailenson, J., Krämer, N., & Li, B. (2016). “Let the avatar brighten your smile: Effects of enhancing
facial expressions in virtual environments.” PloS One, 11, e0161794. Copyright ©2016 by Oh et al. All rights reserved.
Used with permission.
©Indeed/Getty Images
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chapter 2: Research Methods 63
• At the University of Arizona, Matthias Mehl and his colleagues capture brief slices
of social life by equipping people with small recorders that they carry with them
during the day (MacArthur et al., 2020). The tiny devices record all the sounds
in the immediate vicinity for 30-second intervals about 70 times a day. The resulting
soundtrack indicates how often people are alone, how frequently they interact with
others, and whether their conversations are pleasant or argumentative. This tech-
nique allows researchers to listen in on real life as it naturally unfolds.
• For years in Seattle (http://www.gottman.com/research/family/), John Gottman
and his colleagues (Gottman et al., 2015) invited married couples to revisit the
disagreement that caused their last argument. They knew that their discussions
were being recorded, but after a while they typically became so absorbed in the
interaction that they forgot the cameras. The researchers often also took physio-
logical measurements such as heart rate and electrodermal responses from the
participants. Painstaking second-by-second analysis of the biological, emotional,
and behavioral reactions they observed allowed the researchers to predict with
93 percent accuracy which of the couples would, and which would not, divorce
years later (Gottman, 2011).
• At Stony Brook University, Art Aron and his colleagues (Acevedo & Aron, 2014)
have asked people who have been married for more than 20 years to look at pictures
of their beloved spouse or an old friend while the activity in their brains is monitored
with functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). The structures in the brain that
regulate love, and the physical differences between love and friendship (Acevedo,
2015), are being mapped for the first time. (Watch http://www.youtube.com
/watch?v=lDazasy68aU to get a feel for this work.)
• In Germany, as part of a Panel Analysis of Intimate Relationships and Family
Dynamics (or “pairfam”), a team of researchers (e.g., Mund & Johnson, 2020)
are conducting extensive interviews each year with over 12,400 people, their lovers,
their parents, and their children (if any). The project began in 2008 and is designed
to continue until at least 2023! (See for yourself at http://www.pairfam.de/en.)
• In the Early Years of Marriage Project run by Terri Orbuch and her colleagues
(Manalel et al., 2019), 199 white couples and 174 Black couples from the area sur-
rounding Detroit, Michigan, have been interviewed every few years since they were
married in 1986. The project is taking specific note of the influences of social and
economic conditions on marital satisfaction, and it allows comparisons of the out-
comes encountered by white and Black Americans. In 2002, 16 years after the project
began, 36 percent of the white couples and 55 percent of the Black couples had
already divorced (Birditt et al., 2012). Entire marriages are being tracked from start
to finish as time goes by. (Visit the project at http://projects.isr.umich.edu/eym/.)
I hope that you’re impressed by the creativity and resourcefulness embodied in
these methods of research. (I am!) But as notable as they are, they barely scratch the
surface in illustrating the current state of relationship science. It’s still young, but the
field is now supported by hundreds of scholars around the world who hail from diverse
scientific disciplines and whose work appears in several different professional journals
devoted entirely to personal relationships. If you’re a student, you probably have access
to the Journal of Marriage and Family, the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,
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64 chapter 2: Research Methods
and the journal simply entitled Personal Relationships. You can visit the International
Association for Relationship Research, the world’s largest organization of relationship
scientists, at http://www.iarr.org, and if you’re enjoying this book, you have to check
out the wonderful site, http://www.luvze.com.
DEVELOPING A QUESTION
How do these scholars study relationships? The first step in any scientific endeavor is
to ask a question, and in a field like this one, some questions emerge from personal
experience. Relationship researchers have an advantage over many other scientists
because their own experiences in close relationships can alert them to important pro-
cesses. Indeed, they may be hip deep in the very swamps they are trying to drain (Miller,
2008)! Broader social problems also suggest questions for careful study. For instance,
the huge increase in the U.S. divorce rate from 1965 to 1985 resulted in a considerable
amount of research on divorce as social scientists took note of the culture’s changes.
Questions also come from previous research: Studies that answer one question may
raise new ones. And still other questions are suggested by theories that strive to offer
explanations for relational events. Useful theories both account for existing facts and
make new predictions, and studies often seek to test those hypotheses. Relationship
science involves questions that spring from all of these sources; scientists will put
together their personal observations, their recognition of social problems, their knowl-
edge of previous research, and their theoretical perspectives to create the questions
they ask (Fiske, 2004).
The questions themselves are usually of two broad types. First, researchers may
seek to describe events as they naturally occur, delineating the patterns they observe
as fully and accurately as they can. Alternatively, researchers can seek to establish the
causal connections between events to determine which events have meaningful effects
on subsequent outcomes and which do not. This distinction is important: Different
studies have different goals, and discerning consumers judge investigations with respect
to their intended purposes. If an exploratory study seeks mainly to describe a newly
noticed phenomenon, we shouldn’t criticize it for leaving us uncertain about the causes
and the effects of that phenomenon; those are different questions to be addressed later,
after we specify what we’re talking about. And more importantly, thoughtful consumers
resist the temptation to draw causal connections from studies with descriptive goals.
Only certain research designs allow any insight into the causal connections between
events, and clever consumers do not jump to unwarranted conclusions that the research
results do not support. This is a very key point, and I’ll return to it later on.
OBTAINING PARTICIPANTS
So, whose relationships are studied? Relationship researchers usually recruit partici-
pants in one of two ways. The first approach is to use anyone who is readily available
and who consents to participate; this is a convenience sample because it is (compara-
tively) convenient for the researcher to obtain. University professors often work with
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chapter 2: Research Methods 65
college students who are required to be research participants as part of their course
work. Although some specific characteristics must sometimes be met (so that a study
may focus, for instance, only on dating partners who have been together for only a few
weeks), researchers who use convenience samples are usually glad to get the help of
everyone they can (McCormack, 2014).
In contrast, projects that use a representative sample strive to ensure that, collec-
tively, their participants resemble the entire population of people who are of interest.
A truly representative study of marriage, for example, would need to include married
people of all sorts—all ages, all nationalities, and all socioeconomic levels. That’s a tall
order because, if nothing else, the people who voluntarily consent to participate in a
research study may be somewhat different from those who refuse to participate (see
the “The Challenge of Volunteer Bias in Relationship Research” box on page 67). Still,
some studies have obtained samples that are representative of (volunteers in) the adult
population of individual countries or other delimited groups. And studies that are
straightforward enough to be conducted online can attract very large samples that are
much more diverse than those found on any one campus or even in any one country
(Buhrmester et al., 2018).
On the one hand, there is no question that if we seek general principles that
apply to most people, representative samples are better than convenience samples.
A convenience sample always allows the unhappy possibility that the results we
obtain are idiosyncratic, applying only to people who are just like our participants—
students at a certain university, or people from a particular area of the country
(Corker et al., 2015). And although relationship science is now conducted around
the world, most of the studies we’ll encounter in this book have come from cultures
that are Western, well-educated, industrialized, relatively rich, and democratic—so
their participants are a little weird. (Get it?) In fact, people from “weird” cultures
do sometimes behave differently than those who live in less developed nations
(Medin, 2017). On the other hand, many processes studied by relationship research-
ers are basic enough that they don’t differ substantially across demographic groups;
people all over the world, for instance, share similar standards about the nature of
physical beauty (see chapter 3). To the extent that research examines fundamental
aspects of the ways humans react to each other, convenience samples may not be
disadvantageous.
Let’s consider a specific example. Back in 1978, Russell Clark sent men and
women out across the campus of Florida State University to proposition members of
the other sex. Individually, they approached unsuspecting people and randomly assigned
them to one of three invitations (see Table 2.1); some people were simply asked out
on a date, whereas others were asked to have sex! The notable results were that no
woman accepted the offer of sex from a stranger, but 75 percent of the men did—and
that was more men than accepted the date!
This was a striking result, but so what? The study involved a small convenience
sample on just one campus. Perhaps the results told us more about the men at FSU
than they did about men and women in general. In fact, Clark had trouble getting the
study published because of reviewers’ concerns about the generality of the results. So,
in 1982, he and Elaine Hatfield tried again; they repeated the study at FSU and got
the same results (Clark & Hatfield, 1989).
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66 chapter 2: Research Methods
Well, still so what? It was 4 years later, but the procedure had still been tried only
in Tallahassee. If you give this example some thought, you’ll be able to generate several
reasons why the results might apply only to one particular time and one particular
place.
I’d like to suggest a different perspective. Let’s not fuss too much about the exact
percentage of college men in Florida or elsewhere who would consent to sex with a
stranger. That’s the kind of specific attitude that you’d expect to vary some from one
demographic group to another. Instead of endlessly criticizing—or, even worse, dismiss-
ing—the results of the Clark and Hatfield (1989) studies, let’s recognize their limitations
but not miss their point: Men were generally more accepting of casual sex than women
were. When somebody actually asked, men were much more likely to accept a sexual
invitation from a stranger than women were. Stated generally, that’s exactly the conclu-
sion that has now been drawn from subsequent investigations involving more than 20,000
participants from every major region of the world (Schmitt & the International Sexuality
Description Project, 2003), and Clark and Hatfield were among the very first to docu-
ment this sex difference. Their method was simple, and their sample was limited, but
they were onto something, and their procedure detected a basic pattern that really does
seem to exist.1
So, it’s absolutely true that the Clark and Hatfield (1989) studies were not perfect.
That’s a judgment with which Clark and Hatfield (2003) themselves agree! But as long
as their results are considered thoughtfully and judiciously, even small studies using
convenience samples like these can make important contributions to relationship sci-
ence. Our confidence in our collective understanding of relationships relies on knowl-
edge obtained with diverse methods. Any single study may have some imperfections,
In Clark and Hatfield’s (1989) studies, college students walking across campus encountered a
stranger of the other sex who said, “Hi, I’ve noticed you around campus, and I find you very
attractive,” and then offered one of the following three invitations. What percentage of the stu-
dents accepted the various offers?
Invitations
Percentages Saying “Yes”
Men Women
“Would you go out with me tonight?” 50 56
“Would you come over to my apartment tonight?” 69 6
“Would you go to bed with me tonight?” 75 0
TABLE 2.1. “Would You Go to Bed with Me Tonight?”
1For instance, in a study in May 2006 along the west coast of France, 57 percent of the men but only
3 percent of the women accepted invitations to have sex with an attractive stranger (Guéguen, 2011). In
June 2009, 38 percent of the men but only 2 percent of the women in urban areas of Denmark did so (Hald
& Høgh-Olesen, 2010). And in June 2013, 50 percent of the men and 4 percent of the women approached
in a student nightclub in southwest Germany did so (Baranowski & Hecht, 2015). I detect a pattern here.
These glaring differences are smaller, however, when men and women are asked to imagine offers for sex
from celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez and Brad Pitt (Conley, 2011)!
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chapter 2: Research Methods 67
The Challenge of Volunteer Bias in Relationship Research
Regardless of whether investigators use conve-
nience or representative sampling, they still
face the problem of volunteer bias: Of the
people invited to participate, those who do
may differ from those who don’t. In one illus-
tration of this problem, Karney et al. (1995)
simply asked 3,606 couples who had applied
for marriage licenses in Los Angeles County
whether they would participate in a longitudi-
nal study of their relationships. Only 18 per-
cent of the couples said that they would, and
that’s a typical rate in procedures of this sort.
But their marriage licenses, which were open
to the public, provided several bits of informa-
tion about them (e.g., their addresses, their
ages, and their jobs). The volunteers differed
from those who refused to participate in sev-
eral ways; they were better educated, employed
in higher-status jobs, and more likely to have
cohabited. If the researchers had carried out a
complete study with these people, would these
characteristics have affected their results?
The answer may depend on what ques-
tions are asked, but volunteer bias can color
the images that emerge from relationship re-
search. People who agree to participate in stud-
ies dealing with sexual behavior, for instance,
tend to be more sexually experienced and to
have more positive attitudes about sex than
nonvolunteers do (Dawson et al., 2019). Subtle
bias can occur even when people are required
to be research participants, as college students
often are. Conscientious students participate
earlier in the semester than slackers do, and
students who select face-to-face lab studies are
more extraverted than those who stay home
and participate online (Witt et al., 2011).
Volunteer bias can also occur when re-
searchers seek to get both members of a couple
to participate in their studies. When people ask
their partners to join them in a study and those
partners do, the relationships that get assessed
are happier and more satisfying on average
than is the case in relationships in which the
partners refuse to participate (Barton et al.,
2020). Clearly, volunteer bias can limit the ex-
tent to which research results apply to those
who did not participate in a particular study.
The people in a representative sample reflect the demographic characteristics (sex, age, race,
etc.) of the entire population of people that the researchers wish to study.
©Image Source/Digital Vision/Getty Images
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68 chapter 2: Research Methods
but those weaknesses may be answered by another study’s strengths. With a series of
investigations, each approaching a problem from a different angle, we gradually delineate
the truth. To be a thoughtful consumer of relationship science, you should think the
way the scientists do: No one study is perfect. Be cautious. Various methods are valu-
able. Wisdom takes time. But the truth is out there, and we’re getting closer all the time.
CHOOSING A DESIGN
Okay, we’ve formulated a research question and obtained some participants. Now, we
need to arrange our observations in a way that will answer our question. How do we
do that?
Correlational Designs
Correlations describe patterns in which change in one event is accompanied to some
degree by change in another. The patterns can be of two types. If the two events are
positively correlated, they go up and down together—that is, as one goes up, so does
the other, and as the other goes down, so does the one. In speed-dating studies, for
instance, the more two strangers think they have in common after a brief interaction,
the more they tend to like each other (Tidwell et al., 2013). Higher levels of perceived
similarity are associated with greater liking.
In contrast, if two events are negatively correlated, they change in opposite direc-
tions: as one goes up, the other goes down, and as the one goes down, the other goes
up. For example, people who are high in negative emotionality2 tend to be less satisfied
with their marriages than others are; higher negative emotionality is associated with
lower marital satisfaction (Malouff et al., 2010). Positive and negative correlations are
portrayed in Figure 2.2, which also includes an example of what we see when two
events are uncorrelated: If events are unrelated, one of them doesn’t change in any
predictable way when the other goes up or down.
Patterns like these are often intriguing, and they can be very important, but they
are routinely misunderstood by unsophisticated consumers. Please, always remember
that correlations tell us that two events change together in some recognizable way, but,
all by themselves, they do not tell us why that occurs. Correlational designs typically
study naturally occurring behavior without trying to influence or control the situations
in which it unfolds—and the correlations that are observed do not tell us about the
causal connections between events. Be careful not to assume too much when you
encounter a correlation; many different plausible causal connections may all be pos-
sible when a correlation exists. Consider the fact that perceived similarity is positively
related to liking; here are three straightforward possibilities:
• one of these two may cause the other—perceived similarity might lead to greater
liking. Or,
• the other of these two could cause the one—so that liking others leads us to assume
that we have a lot in common with them. Or,
2Take a look back at page 30 if you’d like to refresh your memory of what negative emotionality is.
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chapter 2: Research Methods 69
• something else, a third variable, may explain why similarity and liking are related.
Similarity may not lead to liking, and liking may not lead to perceived similarity;
instead, something else, like really good looks, may cause us to like others and to
assume (or hope?) that we’re compatible with them.
Any of these three, along with many other more complex chains of events, may be
possible when two events are correlated. If all we have is a correlation, all we know is
that a predictable pattern exists. We don’t know what causal connections are involved.3
Experimental Designs
When it’s possible, the way to investigate causal connections is to use an experimental
design. Experiments provide straightforward information about causes and their effects
because experimenters create and control the conditions they study. In a true experi-
ment, researchers intentionally manipulate one or more variables and randomly assign
participants to the different conditions they have created to see how those changes
affect people. Thus, instead of just asking “Do two things change together?” experi-
menters ask “If we change one, what happens to the other?”
Let’s illustrate the difference between an experiment and a correlational study by
reconsidering Donn Byrne’s classic work on attitude similarity and attraction (e.g.,
Byrne & Nelson, 1965). Had Byrne simply measured partners’ perceptions of each
Liking for
Another
High
Low
Low
Perceived Similarity
of Other
A Strong Positive Correlation
High
Liking for
Another
High
Low
Low
Disagreements
with Other
A Strong Negative Correlation
High
Liking for
Another
High
Low
Low
Number of Letters in
Other’s Middle Name
No Correlation
High
FIGURE 2.2. Correlational patterns.
3I should note, however, that if we have lots of correlations involving a number of variables, or if we have
taken our measurements on several occasions over a span of time, sophisticated statistical analyses can
usually rule out some of the possible causal connections that make correlational findings ambiguous. We
should be careful not to assume that simple correlations involve causal connections, but advanced statistical
techniques can make it possible to draw some defensible conclusions about cause and effect within correla-
tional designs.
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70 chapter 2: Research Methods
other’s attitudes and their liking for each other, he would have obtained a positive
correlation between perceived similarity and liking, but he would not have been sure
why they were related.
What Byrne did instead was an experiment. Once his participants arrived at his lab,
he flipped a coin to determine randomly who would encounter a similar stranger and
who would encounter one who didn’t agree with them at all. He controlled that apparent
agreement or disagreement, and it was the only difference between the two situations in
which participants found themselves. With this procedure, when Byrne observed higher
liking for the similar stranger, he could reasonably conclude that the greater agreement
had caused the higher liking. How? Because the participants were randomly assigned to
the two situations, the different degrees of liking could not be due to differences in the
people who encountered each situation; on average, the two groups of participants were
identical. Moreover, they all had identical experiences in the experiment except for the
apparent similarity of the stranger. The only reasonable explanation for the different
behavior Byrne observed was that similarity leads to liking. His experiment clearly showed
that the manipulated cause, attitude similarity, had a noticeable effect, higher liking.
Experiments provide clearer, more definitive tests of causal connections than other
designs do. Done well, they clearly delineate cause and effect. Why, then, do research-
ers ever do anything else? The key is that experimenters have to be able to control and
manipulate the events they wish to study. Byrne could control the information that his
participants received about someone they had never met, but he couldn’t manipulate
other important influences on intimate relationships. We still can’t. (How do you cre-
ate full-fledged experiences of romantic love in a laboratory?) You can’t do experiments
on events you cannot control.
So, correlational and experimental designs each have their own advantages. With
correlational designs, we can study compelling events in the real world—commitment to
a relationship, passionate love, unsafe sex—and examine the links among them. But cor-
relational designs are limited in what they can tell us about the causal relationships among
events. With experimental designs, we can examine causal connections, but we are limited
in what we can study. Hopefully, you can see why different researchers may study the
same topic in different ways, with different research designs—and why that’s a good thing.
THE NATURE OF OUR DATA
Now, just what type of information will we actually be collecting? Are we recording
others’ judgments and perceptions of a relationship, or are we inspecting specific inter-
actions ourselves? Two major types of research measures are described here: (a) peo-
ple’s own reports about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and (b) careful
observations of others’ behavior. We’ll also examine some variations on these themes.
Self-Reports
The most common means of studying intimate relationships is to ask people about
their experiences. Their responses are self-reports, and they can be obtained in a variety
of formats: through written questionnaires, verbal interviews, or even diaries in which
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chapter 2: Research Methods 71
participants record the events of their day (Repetti et al., 2015). The common theme
linking such techniques is that people are telling us about their experiences—we’re not
watching them ourselves.
Self-report data have important benefits. For one thing, they allow us to “get inside
people’s heads” and understand personal points of view that may not be apparent to
outside observers. Self-report data are also inexpensive and easy to obtain. Consider,
for instance, the short self-report measure provided in Table 2.2: Those 12 questions
do a remarkably good job of assessing the extent to which a relationship is flourishing,
being healthy, close, and rewarding. For most purposes, there’s no reason to ask more
elaborate questions or use other means to distinguish fulfilling partnerships from those
Is your current relationship rich and rewarding? Does it offer you meaningful opportunities
for self-expression, personal growth, and fulfillment both as an individual and as a supportive
partner? This scale addresses those issues.
For the first four items, choose the response that best captures your agreement with the fol-
lowing statements about your relationship with your partner, using this scale:
1 2 3 4 5
strongly disagree disagree neutral agree strongly agree
_____ 1. I have more success in my important goals because of my partner’s help.
_____ 2. We look for activities that help us grow as a couple.
_____ 3. My partner has helped me grow in ways that I could not have done on my own.
_____ 4. It is worth it to share my most personal thoughts with my partner.
Now, choose the response that best captures aspects of your relationship with your partner, using
this scale:
1 2 3 4 5
never rarely sometimes often always
_____ 5. When making important decisions, I think about whether it will be good for our
relationship.
_____ 6. It is natural and easy for me to do things that keep our relationship going.
_____ 7. Talking with my partner helps me to see things in new ways.
_____ 8. I make a point to celebrate my partner’s successes.
_____ 9. I really work to improve our relationship.
_____ 10. My partner shows interest in things that are important to me.
_____ 11. We do things that are deeply meaningful to us as a couple.
_____ 12. I make time when my partner needs to talk.
Source: Fowers, B. J., Laurenceau, J., Penfield, R. D., Cohen, L. M., Lang, S. F., Owenz, M. B., & Pasipandoya, E. (2016).
“Enhancing relationship quality measurement: The development of the Relationship Flourishing Scale,” Journal of Family
Psychology, 30, 997–1007.
The average sum of all these ratings for both men and women is 46.4, and the standard devia-
tion is 7.6. So, scores between 39 and 53 are average. But if your sum is 54 or higher, your
relationship is richer and closer than most, and if it’s 38 or lower, your partnership is less
rich than most.
TABLE 2.2. The Relationship Flourishing Scale
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72 chapter 2: Research Methods
that are less rich because this handful of straightforward questions works just fine
(Fowers et al., 2016). Self-report measures can be both very efficient and very informa-
tive. Still (and by now, this probably isn’t a surprise!), self-reports may also present
potential problems. Here are three things to worry about.
Participants’ Interpretations of the Questions
Self-reports always occur in response to a researcher’s instructions or questions.
If the participants misinterpret what the researcher means or intends, their subsequent
self-reports can be misleading. For instance, consider this question: “With how many
people have you had sex?” It sounds straightforward, but about half of us consider
oral-genital contact that brings us to orgasm to be “having sex,” and the other half of
us do not (Barnett et al., 2017). There are complexities here, and undetected problems
with people’s comprehension of terms describing sexual behavior—including what it
means to be a “virgin” (Barnett et al., 2017)—add difficulty to sexuality research (Sewell
et al., 2017).
Difficulties in Recall or Awareness
Even when people understand our questions, they may not be able to answer them
correctly. For one thing, they may lack insight into their actions, so that what they
think is going on isn’t entirely accurate. For instance, women say the physical attrac-
tiveness of a mate is less important to them than men do. However, when they encoun-
ter and evaluate several potential partners at once in speed-dating studies, looks do
matter just as much to women as they do to men (Eastwick & Finkel, 2008), and looks
are the most important influence on who likes whom for both sexes (Luo & Zhang,
2009). On occasion, what people can tell us about their preferences and behavior
doesn’t accurately reflect what they actually say and do.
Faulty memories can also be a problem. Self-reports are most accurate when peo-
ple describe specific, objective events that have occurred recently. They are more likely
to be inaccurate when we ask them about things that happened long ago. Specific
details may be forgotten—in one study ( Mitchell, 2010), 50 percent of a large sample
of divorced people did not correctly report in which month they were divorced—and
past feelings are especially likely to be misremembered. In particular, if a romance ends
in pain and discontent, the disappointed lovers are likely to have a very hard time
remembering how happy and enthusiastic they felt months earlier when they were still
in love (Smyth et al., 2020).
Bias in Participants’ Reports
A final worry—a big one—involves the possibility of systematic bias or distortion
in people’s reports. In particular, people may be reluctant to tell researchers anything
that makes them look bad or that portrays them in an undesirable light. This can
cause a social desirability bias, or distortion that results from people’s wishes to make
good impressions on others. For instance, studies that simply ask people how often
they’ve cheated on (Schick et al., 2014), or beaten (Follingstad & Rogers, 2013), their
partners are likely to get answers that underestimate the prevalence of both events. In
one case, 4 percent of those who had been divorced a few years earlier—the researchers
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chapter 2: Research Methods 73
knew this because they had seen the divorce decrees on file at county courthouses—
claimed that they had never been divorced (Mitchell, 2010)! In another instance,
women reported having more sex partners and losing their virginity at younger ages
when they were hooked up to lie detectors than when they were not (Fisher, 2013).
Procedures that guarantee participants’ anonymity—such as allowing them to take sur-
veys online instead of face-to-face (Robertson et al., 2018)—help reduce social desir-
ability problems such as these, but bias is always a concern when studies address
sensitive issues.
Observations
Another way to collect information about relationships is to observe behavior directly.
Scientific observations are rarely casual undertakings: Researchers either measure
behavior with sophisticated tools or carefully train their colleagues to make observa-
tions that are accurate, reliable, and often quite detailed.
Some studies involve direct observations of ongoing behavior, whereas others use
recordings that are inspected at a later time. Ecological momentary assessment uses inter-
mittent, short periods of observation to capture samples of behavior—slices of life—in real
time as they actually occur; investigators may randomly sample short spans of time when
a target behavior is likely to occur, scattering periods of observation through different
times on different days (Bernstein et al., 2018). The work being done by Matthias Mehl
(2017) with a smartphone app that turns a mobile device into a recorder is a fine exam-
ple of this technique. The app makes a phone an electronically activated recorder, or EAR
(get it?), that switches on for brief periods at regular intervals during the day to capture
the sounds of whatever interactions participants are having at the time. And if you give
your permission, smartphones can not only capture your conversations, they can also
record your location, your texts, and your use of social media (Harari et al., 2020). The
natural, real-life interactions that you share with others can then be examined quite
carefully.
Other technologies provide additional measures of behavior. In an eye- tracking
study, for instance, participants don headgear that focuses tiny video cameras on their
eyes. Then, when they inspect various images, their eye movements indicate what
they’re looking at, and for how long (Garza et al., 2016). We’d be able to tell, for
instance, whether you prefer blondes or brunettes by presenting two images differing
only in hair color side-by-side: You’d spend more time scrutinizing the image you find
more alluring.
Observations such as these generally avoid the disadvantages of self-reports. On
the other hand, we need self-reports if we’re to understand people’s personal percep-
tions of their experiences (and indeed, studies may add self-reports to observations,
asking participants to provide brief ratings of the events that are being recorded
[Sun & Vazire, 2019]). Observational studies can also be expensive, sometimes
requiring costly equipment and consuming hours and hours of observers’ time. One
remarkable study filmed every waking moment experienced by the members of
32 different families over the course of four days, and the 1,540 hours of resulting
video required thousands of hours of careful inspection to code and categorize
(Ochs & Kremer-Sadlik, 2013).
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74 chapter 2: Research Methods
Assessing Attachment Styles
Studies of attachment have become a major
theme in relationship science, and I’ll men-
tion attachment in every chapter to come.
Where do all these findings come from? In
most cases, research participants have de-
scribed their feelings about close relation-
ships on a questionnaire. Now that we’ve
considered some of the nuances of self-report
data, let’s inspect the tool that’s most often
used to assess attachment.
The 12 items presented here are drawn
from a longer questionnaire created by Kelly
Brennan and her colleagues (1998), and they
obtain results that are very similar to those
obtained with the longer scale (Wei et al.,
2007). I’ve labeled the two dimensions of at-
tachment to which the items pertain, but
those labels do not appear on the actual
survey, and the items are mixed together. Re-
spondents are asked to rate the extent of their
agreement or disagreement with each item on
a seven-point scale r anging from 1 (disagree
strongly) to 7 (agree strongly). Note that you’d
report high levels of anxiety or avoidance by
agreeing with some items and disagreeing
with others; this is a common tactic that is
used to encourage thoughtful answers and to
help researchers detect careless responses.
Researchers typically derive two scores,
an anxiety score and an avoidance score, and
then determine how they predict different rela-
tional outcomes. People with a secure style of
attachment, as you may recall (from page 17),
would have low scores on both dimensions.
Items measuring
Anxiety about Abandonment:
1. I worry that romantic partners won’t care
about me as much as I care about them.
2. My desire to be close sometimes scares
people away.
3. I need a lot of reassurance that I am
loved by my partner.
4. I find that my partner(s) don’t want to
get as close as I would like.
5. I get frustrated when romantic partners
are not available when I need them.
6. I do not often worry about being
abandoned.
Items measuring
Avoidance of Intimacy:
1. I want to get close to my partner, but I
keep pulling back.
2. I am nervous when partners get too
close to me.
3. I try to avoid getting too close to my
partner.
4. I usually discuss my problems and con-
cerns with my partner.
5. It helps to turn to my romantic partner
in times of need.
6. I turn to my partner for many things,
including comfort and reassurance.
To get your own score on these items, reverse
your score on the sixth Anxiety item and on
numbers 4, 5, and 6 of the Avoidance items. A
score of 1 becomes a 7, a 3 becomes a 5, a 6
becomes a 2, and so on. An average score on the
Anxiety items is 22; a score below 15 is pretty
low, and a score above 29 is pretty high. Average
Avoidance is 15, with 9 being noticeably low
and 21 being notably high (Wei et al., 2007).
Do the answers that people give to ques-
tions such as these really matter? Yes, they
do. There are other means of assessing attach-
ment that involve extensive interviews, but
they are not used as often because these items
do such a fine job of identifying meaningful
individual differences (Gillath et al., 2016).
Despite possible biases, vocabulary prob-
lems, and all the other potential problems
with self- reports, these items delineate differ-
ent global orientations to intimate relation-
ships that are very influential, as we’ll see
throughout this book.
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chapter 2: Research Methods 75
Observational research can also suffer from the problem of reactivity: People may
change their behavior when they know they are being observed. (A camera in your
living room would probably change some of your behavior—at least until you got used
to it.) For that reason, researchers are always glad to conduct observations that cannot
possibly alter the behaviors they’re studying—and in one such investigation, relationship
scientists monitored the Facebook profiles of 1,640 people—almost the entire freshman
class at a particular university—as their college years went by (Wimmer & Lewis, 2010).
They tracked the public information in the profiles to determine how the users’ tastes
and values influenced the friendships they formed. The researchers had specific, seri-
ous aims—this was not informal browsing—and they couldn’t have unwanted influence
on the behavior they were studying because the participants did not know that they
were being watched! (There’s actually some controversy over this tactic [Kosinski
et al., 2015], but studies continue to mine public information from profile pages, Twitter
feeds, blog posts, and other digital activity [Rafaeli et al., 2019] without people’s knowl-
edge. Do you find this troubling? Why?)
Physiological Measures
We can also avoid any problems with reactivity if we observe behavior that people
cannot consciously control, and physiological measures of people’s autonomic and
biochemical reactions often do just that. Physiological measures assess such responses
as heart rate, muscle tension, genital arousal, brain activity, and hormone levels to
determine how our physical states are associated with our social behavior.
Some investigations examine the manner in which physiology shapes our interac-
tions with others. For instance, compared to those who are less content, satisfied
spouses have higher levels of the neuropeptide oxytocin in their blood (Holt-Lunstad
et al., 2015). This may be, in part, because inhaling a dose of oxytocin leads people
who avoid intimacy to feel warmer and kinder toward others (Bartz et al., 2015). It
also leads people who are low in extraversion to feel closer and more trusting toward
others (Human et al., 2016). Our biochemistry evidently shapes our affiliative motives.
Other studies seek to map the physiological foundations of social behavior
(Shamay-Tsoory & Mendelsohn, 2019). For example, fMRI has identified the structures
in our brains that seem to regulate love and lust (Tomlinson & Aron, 2012). fMRI
images show which parts of the brain are consuming more oxygen and are therefore
more active than others when certain states occur—and as it turns out, warm romantic
affection and yearning sexual desire appear to be controlled by different parts of our
brains. (Are you surprised?)
Physiological measures are often expensive, but their use is increasing because they
allow researchers to explore the physical foundations of our relationships. They are a
good example of the manner in which relationship science is becoming more complex
and sophisticated all the time.
Archival Materials
Researchers can also use stores of data collected by others, known as data archives, to
avoid the problem of reactivity. Personal documents such as photographs and diaries,
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76 chapter 2: Research Methods
public media such as newspapers and websites, governmental records such as marriage
licenses and census data, and social media of all sorts can all be valuable sources of
“archival” information about relationships (Heng et al., 2018). In one study, researchers
examined old university yearbook photos to determine if people’s expressions as young
adults could predict their chances of a future divorce (Hertenstein et al., 2009). (What
did they find? See chapter 5!) Archival materials are “nonreactive” because inspection
of existing data does not change the behaviors being studied. They can be limited,
however, because they may not contain all the information a researcher would really
like to have.
THE ETHICS OF SUCH ENDEAVORS
Studies using archival materials often run no risk at all of embarrassing anyone, but
research on relationships does occasionally require investigators to ask questions about
sensitive topics or to observe private behavior. Should we pry into people’s personal
affairs?
This is not an issue I pose lightly. Although it’s enormously valuable and sorely
needed, relationship science presents important ethical dilemmas. Just asking people
to fill out questionnaires describing their relationships may have unintended effects on
those partnerships. When we ask people to specify what they get out of a relationship
or to rate their love for their partners, for instance, we focus their attention on delicate
matters they may not have thought much about. We stimulate their thinking and
encourage them to evaluate their relationships. Moreover, we arouse their natural curi-
osity about what their partners may be saying in response to the same questions.
Researchers’ innocent inquiries may alert people to relationship problems or frustra-
tions they didn’t know they had.
Some procedures may have even more impact. Consider John Gottman’s (2011)
method of asking spouses to revisit the issue that caused their last argument: He didn’t
encourage people to quarrel and bicker, but some of them did. Spouses who disagree
sourly and bitterly are at much greater risk for divorce than are spouses who disagree
with grace and humor, and Gottman’s work illuminated the specific behaviors that
forecast trouble ahead. This work was extremely important. But did it do damage? Is
it ethical to actually invite couples to return to a disagreement that may erode their
satisfaction even further?
The answer to that question isn’t simple. Relationship scientists ordinarily are very
careful to safeguard the welfare of their participants. Detailed information is provided
to potential participants before a study begins so that they can make an informed deci-
sion about whether or not to participate. Their consent to participate is voluntary and
can be withdrawn at any time. After the data are collected, the researchers provide
prompt feedback that explains any experimental manipulations and describes the larger
purposes of the investigation. Final reports regarding the outcomes of the study are
often made available when the study is complete. In addition, when ticklish matters
are being investigated, researchers may provide information about where participants
can obtain couples’ counseling should they wish to do so; psychological services may
even be offered for free.
A Point to Ponder
Relationship science studies
sensitive issues and private be-
havior such as infidelity and
partner abuse. Should it? Do
you support such studies? Are
you willing to participate in
them?
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chapter 2: Research Methods 77
public media such as newspapers and websites, governmental records such as marriage
licenses and census data, and social media of all sorts can all be valuable sources of
“archival” information about relationships (Heng et al., 2018). In one study, researchers
examined old university yearbook photos to determine if people’s expressions as young
adults could predict their chances of a future divorce (Hertenstein et al., 2009). (What
did they find? See chapter 5!) Archival materials are “nonreactive” because inspection
of existing data does not change the behaviors being studied. They can be limited,
however, because they may not contain all the information a researcher would really
like to have.
THE ETHICS OF SUCH ENDEAVORS
Studies using archival materials often run no risk at all of embarrassing anyone, but
research on relationships does occasionally require investigators to ask questions about
sensitive topics or to observe private behavior. Should we pry into people’s personal
affairs?
This is not an issue I pose lightly. Although it’s enormously valuable and sorely
needed, relationship science presents important ethical dilemmas. Just asking people
to fill out questionnaires describing their relationships may have unintended effects on
those partnerships. When we ask people to specify what they get out of a relationship
or to rate their love for their partners, for instance, we focus their attention on delicate
matters they may not have thought much about. We stimulate their thinking and
encourage them to evaluate their relationships. Moreover, we arouse their natural curi-
osity about what their partners may be saying in response to the same questions.
Researchers’ innocent inquiries may alert people to relationship problems or frustra-
tions they didn’t know they had.
Some procedures may have even more impact. Consider John Gottman’s (2011)
method of asking spouses to revisit the issue that caused their last argument: He didn’t
encourage people to quarrel and bicker, but some of them did. Spouses who disagree
sourly and bitterly are at much greater risk for divorce than are spouses who disagree
with grace and humor, and Gottman’s work illuminated the specific behaviors that
forecast trouble ahead. This work was extremely important. But did it do damage? Is
it ethical to actually invite couples to return to a disagreement that may erode their
satisfaction even further?
The answer to that question isn’t simple. Relationship scientists ordinarily are very
careful to safeguard the welfare of their participants. Detailed information is provided
to potential participants before a study begins so that they can make an informed deci-
sion about whether or not to participate. Their consent to participate is voluntary and
can be withdrawn at any time. After the data are collected, the researchers provide
prompt feedback that explains any experimental manipulations and describes the larger
purposes of the investigation. Final reports regarding the outcomes of the study are
often made available when the study is complete. In addition, when ticklish matters
are being investigated, researchers may provide information about where participants
can obtain couples’ counseling should they wish to do so; psychological services may
even be offered for free.
A Point to Ponder
Relationship science studies
sensitive issues and private be-
havior such as infidelity and
partner abuse. Should it? Do
you support such studies? Are
you willing to participate in
them?
As you can see, relationship science begins with
compassionate concern for the well-being of its partici-
pants. People are treated with respect, thanked warmly
for their efforts, and may even be paid for their time.
They may also find their experiences to be interesting
and enlightening. People who participate in studies of
sexual behavior (Kuyper et al., 2014) and intimate part-
ner violence (Hamberger et al., 2020), for instance,
routinely have positive reactions and are distressed very
rarely. And being asked to reflect and report on their
experiences may even help people adjust to and recover from difficult situations. In
one study, compared to those who were asked fewer questions, people bounced back
from a breakup more quickly when they provided extensive self-reports about their
feelings on several occasions (Larson & Sbarra, 2015); the introspection prompted by
their participation was evidently good for them. In another investigation, most survivors
of sexual assault (58 percent) felt they had gained insight into their experiences and
most (55 percent) had sought additional services as a result of their participation
(Kirkner et al., 2019). All of this is reassuring. Still, should we be trying to study such
private and intimate matters?
The answer from here is absolutely yes. There’s another side to the issue of ethics
I haven’t yet mentioned: science’s ethical imperative to gain knowledge that can ben-
efit humanity. Ignorance can be wasteful. Since 2002, the U.S. Department of Health
and Human Services has spent more than $800 million on a variety of marriage and
relationship education programs that are intended to teach low-income families skills
that will help them sustain their marriages. Families of modest means are targets of
these marriage-enrichment programs because, compared to families with more resources,
they are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce (Johnson, 2012). The programs
all have good intentions, but on the whole, it’s hard to say that they have done much,
if any, good (Arnold & Beelmann, 2019); even their proponents admit that their out-
comes have been “mixed” and “modest,” sometimes actually making things worse
(Hawkins, 2014). An enduring problem is that too many of these programs miss the
point: They seek to teach low-income couples to value marriage more, but such couples
already want to get married (Trail & Karney, 2012). They don’t marry—and their mar-
riages are more fragile if they do—because of their financial worries, which put enor-
mous stress and strain on their relationships (Wickrama & Walker O’Neal, 2019). The
relative fragility of low-income marriages seems to have more to do with social class
than with the attitudes and skills of the spouses themselves (Karney et al., 2018).
So it’s pretty silly to expect that values education will change anything. A govern-
ment program that seeks to improve relationships would probably do better to increase
the minimum wage and to fund child care and effective training for better jobs than
to try to teach people to respect marriage. And clearly, if we seek to promote human
well-being, we need good information as well as good intentions. In a culture that offers
us bizarre examples of “love” on TV shows such as The Bachelor and The Bachelorette—
and in which real marriages are more likely to be failures than to be successes
(Cherlin, 2009)—it would be unethical not to try to understand how relationships work.
Intimate relationships can be a source of the grandest, most glorious pleasure human
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78 chapter 2: Research Methods
beings experience, but they can also be a source of terrible suffering and appalling
destructiveness. It is inherently ethical, relationship scientists assert, to try to learn
how the joy might be increased and the misery reduced.
INTERPRETING AND INTEGRATING RESULTS
This isn’t a statistics text (and I know you’re pleased by that), but there are a few
more aspects of the way relationship scientists do business that the thoughtful con-
sumer of the field should understand. Most relationship studies subject the data they
obtain to statistical analysis to determine whether their results are statistically “sig-
nificant.” This is a calculation of how likely it is that the results (e.g., the observed
correlations or the effects of the manipulated variables in an experiment) could have
occurred by chance. If it’s quite unlikely that the results could be due to chance, we
have a “significant” result. All of the research results reported in this book are sig-
nificant results. You can also be confident that the studies that have obtained these
results have passed critical inspection by other scientists. This does not mean, how-
ever, that every single specific result I may mention is unequivocally, absolutely,
positively true: Some of them might have occurred by chance, reflecting the influence
of odd samples of people or unwanted mistakes of various sorts. In particular, pat-
terns that are obvious in results obtained from college students routinely still exist
but are sometimes more muted when more diverse adult populations are studied
(Yeager et al., 2019).
Indeed, and importantly, when other researchers try to replicate some result of
interest—repeating the procedures used by a prior investigator to see if the same out-
comes are obtained—similar findings usually, but don’t always, result (e.g., Soto, 2019).
A failure to replicate is always a cause for concern (Fineberg et al., 2019), but the fact
that occasional errors get detected actually demonstrates “the fundamental soundness
of our field” (Wood & Wilson, 2019, p. 8). First, good science is public and repeatable,
so that we put our full faith only in findings that are consistently obtained. Toward
that end, relationship researchers routinely follow the practices of open science—in
which research materials and data are shared with other scientists who wish to replicate
one’s work—making it easier for any fluke results to be identified and corrected. And
second, in pursuit of (even) greater reliability of our results, relationship scientists are
studying more people and detailing their procedural and analytic decisions more fully
than ever before (Shrout & Rodgers, 2018). Never before have our scientific procedures
and practices been better (Chopik et al., 2020).
As you interpret our results, you should also remember that the results we’ll
encounter always describe patterns that are evident in the behavior of groups of people—
and because of differences among individuals (see chapter 1), those patterns will apply
to particular individuals to varying degrees. Please do not be so naïve as to think that
research results that do, in fact, apply to most people must be wrong because you know
someone to whom those results do not seem to apply. I’ll need you to be more sophis-
ticated and reasonable than that.
With those cautions in place, let’s note that the data obtained in relationship stud-
ies can also present unique challenges and complexities. Here are two examples:
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chapter 2: Research Methods 79
Paired, interdependent data. Most statistical procedures assume that the scores of
different participants are independent of each other—that is, one person’s responses
are not influenced by anyone else’s—but that’s not true when both members of a
couple are involved. Wilma’s satisfaction with her relationship with Fred is very likely
to be influenced by whether or not Fred is happy too, so her satisfaction is not inde-
pendent of his. Responses obtained from relationship partners are often interdepen-
dent, and special statistical procedures are advisable for analyzing such data (e.g.,
Kenny, 2020).
Three sources of influence. Furthermore, relationships emerge from the individual
contributions of the separate partners and from the unique effects of how they combine
as a pair. For example, imagine that Betty and Barney have a happy marriage. One
reason for this may be the fact that Barney is an especially pleasant fellow who gets
along well with everyone, including Betty. Alternatively (or, perhaps, in addition), Betty
may be the one who’s easy to live with. However, Betty and Barney may also have a
better relationship with each other than they could have with anyone else because of
the unique way their individual traits combine; the whole may be more than the sum
of its parts. Relationship researchers often encounter phenomena that result from the
combination of all three of these influences, the two individual partners and the idio-
syncratic partnership they share. Sophisticated statistical analyses are required to study
all of these components at once (Kenny, 2020), another indication of the complexity
of relationship science.
So what’s my point here? I’ve noted that studies of
close relationships tackle intricate matters and that sta-
tistical significance testing involves probabilities, not
certainties. Should you take everything I say with a
grain of salt, doubting me at every turn? Well, yes and
no. I want you to be more thoughtful and less gullible,
and I want you to appreciate the complexities underly-
ing the things you’re about to learn. Remember to think
like a scientist: No study is perfect, but the truth is out
there. We put more faith in patterns of results that are
obtained by different investigators working with differ-
ent samples of participants. We are also more confident when results are replicated
with diverse methods.
For these reasons, scientists now do frequent meta-analyses, which are studies that
statistically combine the results from several prior studies (e.g., Robles et al., 2014). In
a meta-analysis, an investigator compiles all existing studies of a particular phenomenon
and combines their results to identify the themes they contain. If the prior studies all
produce basically the same result, the meta- analysis makes that plain; if there are dis-
crepancies, the meta-analysis may reveal why.
With tools like this at its disposal, relationship science has made enormous strides
despite its short history and the complexity of its subject matter. And despite my ear-
lier cautions, (nearly all of) the things I’ll share with you in this text are dependable
facts, reliable results you can see for yourself if you do what the researchers did. Even
more impressively, most of them are facts that had not been discovered when your
parents were born.
A Point to Ponder
What’s your first thought
when you encounter a fact in
this book that you find sur-
prising? Is it, “Wow, I didn’t
know that,” or something
more like, “This is wrong”?
Where does your reaction
come from?
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80 chapter 2: Research Methods
A FINAL NOTE
In my desire to help you be more discerning, I’ve spent a lot of this chapter noting
various pros and cons of diverse procedures, usually concluding that no single option
is the best one in all cases. I hoped to encourage you to be more thoughtful about the
complexities of good research. But in closing, let me reassure you that relationship
science is in better shape than all of these uncertainties may make it seem. When
relationship science began, the typical study obtained self-reports from a convenience
sample of college students, and many studies are still of that sort. However, researchers
are now routinely studying more diverse samples with sophisticated designs that employ
more complex measures, and the variety of methods with which researchers now study
relationships is a strength, not a weakness (Mashek et al., 2018). Furthermore, the
field’s judicious ability to differentiate what it does and does not yet know is a mark
of its honesty and its developing maturity and wisdom.
People like easy answers. They like their information cut-and-dried. Many people
actually prefer simple nonsense—such as the idea that men come from Mars and women
come from Venus—to the scientific truth, if the truth is harder to grasp. However, as
a new consumer of the science of relationships, you have an obligation to prefer facts
to gossip, even if you have to work a little harder to make sense of their complexities.
Don’t mistake scientific caution for a lack of quality. To the contrary, I want to leave
you with the thought that it demonstrates scientific respectability to be forthright about
the strengths and weaknesses of one’s discipline. It’s more often the frauds and impos-
ters who claim they are always correct than the cautious scientists, who are really
trying to get it right.
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Chris and Jamie had to participate in research studies if they wanted to pass the
Introductory Psychology course they were taking together, so they signed up for a study
of “Relationship Processes.” They had been dating for 2 months, and the study was
seeking “premarital romantic couples,” and they liked the fact that they would be paid
$5 if they both participated. So, they attended a session with a dozen other couples
in which they were separated and seated on opposite sides of a large room. They read
and signed a permission form that noted they could quit anytime they wanted and then
started to work on a long questionnaire.
Some of the questions were provocative. They were asked how many different
people they had had sex with in the last year and how many people they wanted
to have sex with in the next 5 years. Then, they were asked to answer the same
questions again, this time as they believed the other would. Chris had never pon-
dered such questions before, and he realized, once he thought about it, that he
actually knew very little about Jamie’s sexual history and future intentions. That
night, he was a little anxious, wondering and worrying about Jamie’s answers to
those questions.
Having read this chapter, do you think this research procedure was ethical? Why?
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chapter 2: Research Methods 81
CHAPTER SUMMARY
The Short History of Relationship Science
The scientific study of relationships is a recent endeavor that has come of age only
in the last 40 years. The field has now grown to include the study of all types of rela-
tionships in their natural settings around the world.
Developing a Question
Research questions come from a number of sources, including personal experience,
recognition of social problems, the results of prior research, and theoretical predictions.
The questions usually seek either to describe events or to delineate causal connections
among variables.
Obtaining Participants
Convenience samples are composed of participants who are easily available. Repre-
sentative samples are more costly, but they better reflect the population of interest. Both
types of samples can suffer from volunteer bias.
Choosing a Design
Correlational Designs. A correlation describes the strength and direction of an
association between two variables. Correlations are inherently ambiguous because
events can be related for a variety of reasons.
Experimental Designs. Experiments control and manipulate situations to delineate
cause and effect. Experiments are very informative, but some events cannot be studied
experimentally for practical or ethical reasons.
The Nature of Our Data
Self-Reports. With self-reports, participants describe their own thoughts, feelings,
and behavior, but they may misunderstand the researchers’ questions, have faulty mem-
ories, and be subject to social desirability biases.
Observations. In ecological momentary assessment, brief observations are made
intermittently. Observations avoid the problems of self-reports, but they are expensive
to conduct, and reactivity can be a problem.
convenience sample ………………… p. 64
representative sample ……………… p. 65
volunteer bias …………………………. p. 67
correlations …………………………….. p. 68
experiments …………………………….. p. 69
self-reports ………………………………. p. 70
social desirability bias …………….. p. 72
ecological momentary
assessment ………………………………. p. 73
reactivity …………………………………. p. 75
archives …………………………………… p. 75
open science …………………………… p. 78
meta-analyses ………………………….. p. 79
KEY TERMS
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82 chapter 2: Research Methods
Physiological Measures. Measurements of people’s biological changes indicate
how our physical states are associated with our social interactions.
Archival Materials. Existing stores of public data records are nonreactive and
often allow researchers to compare the present with the past.
The Ethics of Such Endeavors
Participation in relationship research may change people’s relationships by encour-
aging them to think carefully about the situations they face. As a result, researchers
take pains to protect the welfare of their participants.
Interpreting and Integrating Results
Statistical analysis determines the likelihood that results could have occurred by
chance. When this likelihood is very low, the results are said to be significant. Some
such results may still be due to chance, however, so the thoughtful consumer does not
put undue faith in any one study. Meta-analysis lends confidence to conclusions by
statistically combining results from several studies.
A Final Note
Scientific caution is appropriate, but it should not be mistaken for weakness or
imprecision. Relationship science is in great shape.
SUGGESTIONS FOR SATISFACTION
• Don’t fall for fraudulent advice. Use your understanding of the methods of relation-
ship science to judge the credibility of the things you see and hear about
relationships.
• Remember that correlations are ambiguous; there may be several possible reasons
why two events appear to be connected.
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87
C H A P T E R 3
Attraction
The FundamenTal Basis oF aTTracTion ♦ ProximiTy: liking Those near
us ♦ Physical aTTracTiveness: liking Those Who are lovely ♦ reciProciTy:
liking Those Who like us ♦ similariTy: liking Those Who are like us ♦ So,
WhaT Do Men and Women WanT? ♦ For your consideraTion ♦ key
Terms ♦ chaPTer summary ♦ SuggesTions For saTisFacTion ♦ reFerences
You’re alone in a classroom, beginning to read this chapter, when the door opens and
a stranger walks in. Is this someone who appeals to you? Might you have just encountered
a potential friend or lover? Remarkably, you probably developed a tenta tive answer to
those questions much more quickly than you were able to read this sentence (Palomares &
Young, 2018). What’s going on? Where did your judgment come from? This chapter
considers these issues. Psychologically, the first step toward a relationship is always the
same: interpersonal attraction, the desire to approach someone. Feelings of attraction don’t
guarantee that a relationship will develop, but they do open the door to the possibility.
I’ll examine several major influences that shape our attraction to others, starting with a
basic principle about how attraction works.
THE FUNDAMENTAL BASIS OF ATTRACTION
A longstanding assumption about interpersonal attraction is that we are attracted to oth-
ers whose presence is rewarding to us (Clore & Byrne, 1974). And two different types
of rewards influence attraction: noticeable direct rewards we obviously receive from our
interaction with others, and more subtle indirect benefits of which we’re not always aware
and that are merely associated with someone else. Direct rewards refer to all the evident
pleasures people provide us. When they shower us with interest and approval, we’re usu-
ally gratified by the attention and acceptance. When they are witty and beautiful, we
enjoy their pleasing characteristics. And when they give us money or good advice, we
are clearly better off. Most of the time, the more direct rewards that people provide us,
the more attracted we are to them.
But attraction also results from a variety of subtle influences that are only indirectly
related to the obvious kindness, good looks, or pleasing personalities of those we meet
(McNulty et al., 2017). For instance, anything about new acquaintances that resembles
us, however tangentially, may make them seem more likable. Consider a fellow named
Dennis who is fond of his name; because of the shared first letter, “it might not be too
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88 chapter 3: Attraction
far-fetched [for] Dennis to gravitate toward cities such as Denver, careers such as
dentistry, and romantic partners such as Denise” (Pelham et al., 2005, p. 106). In fact,
that’s what happens: People are disproportionately likely to fall in love with someone
who has a name that resembles their own (Jones et al., 2004). Rewards like these are
indirect and mild, and we sometimes don’t even consciously notice them—but they do
illustrate just how diverse and varied the rewards that attract us to others can be.
Indeed, most of us simply think that we’re attracted to someone if he or she is an
appealing person, but it’s really more complex than that. Attraction does involve the
perceived characteristics of the person who appeals to us, but it also depends on our
current needs, goals, and desires, all of which can fluctuate over time and from one
situation to the next. Given that, theorists Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick (2015) asserted
that the fundamental basis of attraction is instrumentality, the extent to which someone
is able to help us achieve our present goals.1 Simply put, we’re attracted to others who
can help us get what we currently want. An instrumentality perspective acknowledges
that attraction can be idiosyncratic, differing from person to person according to one’s
present goals, and changing over time as needs are fulfilled. But we’re most attracted,
as you’d expect, to others whose company is consistently rewarding, those who routinely
fulfill several chronic and important desires—such as those whose company is pleasurable
and helpful and who fulfill our need to belong (Orehek et al., 2018).2 And as those
desires are pervasive, some specific influences on attraction are rather ubiquitous, clearly
influencing most people most of the time. We’ll consider them in this chapter, beginning
our survey with one that’s more important than most of us think.
PROXIMITY: LIKING THOSE NEAR US
We might get to know someone online, but isn’t interaction more rewarding when we
can hear others’ voices, see their smiles, and actually hold their hands? Most of the
time, relationships are more rewarding when they involve people who are near one
another (who are physically, as well as psychologically, close). Indeed, our physical
proximity to others often determines whether or not we ever meet them in the first
place. More often than not, our friendships and romances grow out of interactions
with those who are nearby.
In fact, there is a clear connection between physical proximity and interpersonal
attraction, and a few feet can make a big difference. Think about your Relationships
classroom: Who have you gotten to know since the semester started? Who is a new
friend? It’s likely that the people you know and like best sit near you in class. When
they are assigned seats in a classroom, college students are much more likely to become
friends with those sitting near them than with those sitting across the room, even when
the room is fairly small (Back et al., 2008). Indeed, when single men have a brief
1This is the second time I’ve introduced the term “instrumentality,” which we used to describe traits such
as assertiveness and self-reliance back on page 26. The idea remains the same. Our “instrumental” traits
promote our own accomplishments and achievements, and as Finkel and Eastwick use the term, “instrumen-
tality” describes the extent to which someone else can offer us help in accomplishing our present goals.
2Remember? A really fundamental goal that characterizes the human race. See page 4.
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chapter 3: Attraction 89
interaction with a moderately attractive woman, they like her better when she sits two-
and-a-half feet away from them than when she sits five feet away (Shin et al., 2019).
A similar phenomenon occurs in student housing complexes. In a classic study,
Festinger, Schachter, and Back (1950) examined the friendships among students living
in campus housing at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Residents were ran-
domly assigned to rooms in 17 different buildings that were all like the one in Figure 3.1.
People who lived close to each other were much more likely to become friends than were
those whose rooms were further apart. Indeed, the chances that residents would become
friends were closely related to the distances between their rooms (see Table 3.1). And
the same result was also obtained from one building to the next: People were more likely
to know and like residents of other buildings that were close to their own.
Off campus, similar effects occur, and with real consequence. In another classic
study, examination of 5,000 marriage licenses in Philadelphia revealed that almost half
(48 percent) of the new spouses had lived within a mile of each other before they mar-
ried, and, even more remarkably, in one of every eight marriages, they had lived in the
same building (Bossard, 1932)! Obviously, even small distances have a much larger influ-
ence on our relationships than most people realize. Whenever we choose the exact place
TABLE 3.1. Friendship Choices in Campus Housing at MIT
Two hundred seventy people living in buildings like the one pictured in Figure 3.1 were
asked to list their three closest companions. Among those living on the same floor of a given
building, here’s how often the residents named someone living:
1 door away 41% of the time
2 doors away 22%
3 doors away 16%
4 doors away 10%
Only 88 feet separated residents living four doors apart, at opposite ends of the same floor,
but they were only one-quarter as likely to become friends as were people living in adjacent
rooms. Similar patterns were obtained from one floor to the next, and from building to
building in the housing complex, so it was clear that small distances played a large part
in determining who would and who would not be friends.
FIGURE 3.1. A student apartment building at MIT.
In the study by Festinger et al. (1950), residents were randomly assigned to rooms in
buildings like these.
1
6
2 3
7 8
5
4
109
Source: Myers, D. G. (2008). Social psychology (9th ed.). McGraw-Hill.
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90 chapter 3: Attraction
where we will live or work or go to school, we also take a major step toward determining
who the significant others in our lives are likely to be.
Familiarity: Repeated Contact
Why does proximity have such influence? For one thing, it increases the chances that
two people will cross paths often and become more familiar with each other. Folk
wisdom suggests that “familiarity breeds contempt,” but research evidence generally
disagrees. Instead of being irritating, repeated contact with—or mere exposure to—
someone usually increases our liking for him or her (Mrkva & Van Boven, 2020). Even
if we have never talked to them, we tend to like people whose faces we recognize more
than those whose faces are unfamiliar to us.
Moreland and Beach (1992) provided an interesting example of the mere exposure
effect when they had college women attend certain classes either 15 times, 10 times, or
5 times during a semester. These women never talked to anyone and simply sat there,
but they were present in the room frequently, sometimes, or rarely. Then at the end of
the semester, the real students were given pictures of the women and asked for their
reactions. The results were very clear: The more familiar the women were, the more the
students were attracted to them. And they were all liked better than women the students
had never seen at all. (See Figure 3.2.)
The proximity that occurs in college classrooms influences real relationships,
too. An intriguing analysis of a whole year’s worth of the millions of e-mail messages
passed among the tens of thousands of students at a large university—back before
texting became commonplace—demonstrated that, among students who did not
already share an acquaintance, taking a class together made it 140 times more likely
that they would message each other (Kossinets & Watts, 2006). And as we’ve seen,
small distances matter; students who are assigned seats next to each other are much
FIGURE 3.2. The mere exposure effect in college classrooms.
Even though they never interacted with anyone, other students liked women more the more
often they visited a class.
Li
ki
ng
fo
r t
he
W
om
en
Number of Visits to Class
0 5 10 15
5.0
4.5
4.0
3.5
3.0
Source: Data from Moreland, R. L., & Beach, S. R. (1992). “Exposure effects in the classroom: The development
of affinity among students,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 28, 255–276.
miL04267_ch03_087-132.indd 90 12/01/21 4:30 PM
chapter 3: Attraction 91
more likely to become friends than are those who are given seats a couple of rows
apart (Segal, 1974).3
Of course, familiarity has it limits. As we gain information about others, we may
find that they are obnoxious, disagreeable, or inept, and increasing exposure to such
people may lead us to like them less, not more (Norton et al., 2013). Indeed, a study
in a condominium complex in California (Ebbesen et al., 1976) found that although
most of the residents’ friends lived nearby, most of their enemies did, too! Only rarely
did people report that they really disliked someone who lived several buildings away
from them. Instead, they despised fellow residents who were close enough to annoy
them often—by playing music too loudly, letting their dogs bark, and so on.
Proximity can also be disadvantageous when people who have come to know each
other online—see the “Digital Distance” box on page 92—meet in person for the first
time. People put their best foot (and face) forward when they’re writing personal pro-
files and posting pictures, so what you see on the Web is not necessarily what you get
when you finally meet someone face-to-face (Hall et al., 2010). In particular, men often
claim that they’re taller and richer, and women claim that they’re lighter and younger,
than they really are (“Online Dating Statistics,” 2017). They’ve also typically been
careful and selective in describing their attitudes and tastes, so there’s still a lot to
learn about them. Thus, on average, when people who have met online get together in
person for the first time, they’re mildly disappointed; the knowledge they have about
each other goes up, but their liking for each other goes down (Sharabi & Caughlin,
2017). When we find out who our online partners actually are—as opposed to who we
thought they were—our attraction to them often declines (Ramirez et al., 2015).
Proximity can also be surprisingly problematic when partners in long-distance rela-
tionships are reunited after some time apart. When partners have to separate—for instance,
when one of them is called to military service—“out of sight” does not inevitably lead to
“out of mind.” A separation can destroy a relationship, particularly if the partners start
dating other people who are close at hand (Sahlstein, 2006). But the more committed
partners are to their relationship, the more they miss each other, and the more they miss
each other, the harder they work to express their continued love and regard for each
other across the miles (Le et al., 2011). Their conversations tend to be longer and more
personal than those they would ordinarily have face-to-face, and they also tend to stay
positive and steer clear of touchy topics (Rossetto, 2013). As a result, they’re likely to
construct idealized images of their partnership that portray it as one that’s worth waiting
for (Kelmer et al., 2013), and absence can indeed (at least temporarily) make the heart
grow fonder (Jiang & Hancock, 2013). Unfortunately, reunions are often more stressful
than people expect. When soldiers return home, for instance, the reunited lovers lose
some of their autonomy and have to relearn how to comfortably depend on one another;
they have to renegotiate their roles and rhythms, and confront the things (which they
have often forgotten) that they didn’t like about each other (Knobloch & Wehrman,
2014). So perhaps it isn’t surprising that one-third of the long-distance dating partners—
and remember, commitment is a key influence on all of this—who get back together break
up within 3 months of their reunion (Stafford et al., 2006).
3This effect is so striking, I keep thinking that I should insist that my own students change seats halfway through
the semester and sit next to a whole new bunch of potential friends. They would probably leave the course
knowing—and liking—more people. But, because they’d probably also be annoyed to move, I’ve never done it.
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92 chapter 3: Attraction
Digital Distance
Where Almost Everybody Is Just a Click or Two Away
Proximity matters, but we also have astound-
ing reach to others online, where we can en-
counter potential mates that we’d never meet
any other way. “Today, if you own a smart-
phone, you’re carrying a 24-7 singles bar in
your pocket” (Ansari, 2015, p. 31), and it’s
now commonplace for romances to begin on-
line on dating apps or websites, or on social
media, in chat rooms, online communities,
multiplayer games, and other online locales.
Indeed, online encounters are now the most
common way couples get started. These days,
more heterosexual couples meet online than
through introductions by friends, family, or
coworkers (which used to be the way most
couples met; Rosenfeld et al., 2019), and this
pattern is even more pronounced among
LGBTQ folks, who are twice as likely as het-
erosexuals to be in a committed relationship
with someone they met on a dating app or site
(Vogels, 2020). And when it comes to those
sites, there’s something for everyone. Do you
have a passion for pets? Download Dig, the
“Dog Person’s Dating App.”4 Are you looking
for another vegetarian? VeggieDate.org. A
sugar daddy? SugarDaddie.com. A hookup?
OnlineBootyCall.com, which used to feature
the “Booty Call® Commandment” “Thou
shalt kiss anything except my mouth.” An ex-
tramarital affair? AshleyMadison.com in the
United States, and IllicitEncounters.com in the
United Kingdom. And of course, apps can
show you interested others who just happen
to be nearby; Tinder is for you if you’re hetero-
sexual, Grindr if you’re a gay man, and HER if
you’re a lesbian, bisexual, or queer.
So, there’s amazing access to others
online, and when we’re actively seeking oth-
ers, expectations are often high. But the
outcomes people experience with dating
apps and on dating sites can be disappoint-
ing, for several reasons. For one thing, most
users encounter a lot of ambiguous rejec-
tion. They “swipe right” to like others but
don’t get any interest in return. What does
that mean? Have potential partners consid-
ered you closely and found you unworthy?
Or are they simply otherwise engaged and
unaware of your interest? Either way, users
can begin to doubt themselves, and Tinder
users tend to have lower levels of satisfac-
tion with their faces and bodies than non-
users do (Strubel & Petrie, 2017). For
another thing, there are fewer partners out
there than it may seem; in order to make
their pages more impressive, dating web-
sites may be slow to remove inactive pro-
files of ex- subscribers who have left the
service. By one estimate in 2010, only
7 percent of the profiles that were visible
on Match.com belonged to people who were
still seeking partners (Slater, 2013). And
even when two people are in the same gen-
eral area, they get a match on Tinder (with
both of them swiping right to express inter-
est in the other) less than 2 percent of the
time (Julian, 2018). Then, only 2 percent of
those who match ever actually meet each
other face-to-face. (And then, a one-night
stand of casual sex ensues in only one-third
of 1 percent of the matches people make
[Grøntvedt et al., 2020], or about once for
every 15,000 swipes to the right. Hookups
do occur on Tinder, but not all that often.)
Successful connections with others are
scarcer than you might expect.
Moreover, the (apparent) abundance
of choices isn’t necessarily conducive to re-
lationship success. Overwhelmed by hun-
dreds of profiles, people can become sloppy
and less exacting in their choices, homing
in, for instance, on particularly attractive
people with whom they have little in com-
mon (Bruch & Newman, 2018). Faced with
so many options, they may also become
more picky and choosy (Pronk & Denissen,
2020) and less likely to commit to any one
partner (Pronk & Denissen, 2020); most
4I am not recommending any of these sites! Buyer beware. They’re just examples, and there are plenty more
where they came from.
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chapter 3: Attraction 93
So, the effects of familiarity depend both on what we learn about someone else
and on the amount of interdependence we are forced to share. It is certainly possible
to reach a point of saturation at which additional time with, and more information
about, other people begins to reduce our liking for them (Montoya et al., 2017). But in
general, when people first meet, we prefer others we recognize to those who are total
strangers (Van Dessel et al., 2019)—and one reason proximity is usually profitable is
that it increases the chances that others will be recognizable to us.
Convenience: Proximity Is Rewarding and Distance Is Costly
Another reason why proximity promotes most partnerships is that when others are
nearby, it’s easy to enjoy whatever rewards they offer. Everything else being equal, a
partner who is nearby has a big advantage over one who is far away: The expense and
effort of getting to a distant partner—such as expensive airfares or hours on the road—
make a distant relationship more costly overall than one that is closer to home. Distant
relationships are less rewarding, too; an expression of love over a video feed is less
delightful than an actual soft kiss on the lips.
The only notable thing about this is that anyone should find it surprising. However,
lovers who have to endure a period of separation may blithely believe, because their
relationship has been so rewarding up to that point, that some time apart will not
adversely affect their romance. If so, they may be surprised by the difference distance
makes. When a relationship that enjoys the convenience of proximity becomes incon-
venient due to distance, it may suffer more than either partner expects. Lovers who
are deeply committed to their relationship often survive a separation (Kelmer et al.,
2013), but other partnerships may ultimately be doomed by distance (Sahlstein, 2006).
The Power of Proximity
The bottom line is that proximity makes it more likely that two people will meet and
interact. What follows depends on the people involved, of course, but the good news is that
most of the time, when two strangers begin chatting, they like each other more the more
they chat (Reis et al., 2011). This does not occur with everyone we meet (Norton et al.,
2013), and over time, constant contact with someone also carries the possibility that unre-
warding monotony will set in (Montoya et al., 2017). Nevertheless, when we come to know
others and our goal is simply to get along and to have a good time, familiarity and conve-
nience increase our attraction to them. And that’s the power of proximity.
users (53 percent) have dated more than
one person simultaneously (“Online Dating
Statistics,” 2017). And finally, it’s unlikely
that a dating site that offers to identify peo-
ple who will be particularly perfect partners
for their subscribers will be able to actually
fulfill that promise; unique compatibility
is so complex, it’s almost impossible to
predict before two people have actually met
(Joel et al., 2017).
In any case, one thing is certain: Tech-
nology influences relationships, and there’s
no more dramatic example than the advent of
online dating and mating. It introduces us to a
much larger variety of people than we would
ever meet otherwise (Potarca, 2017), and it’s
now common for us to encounter people on-
line, research their backgrounds, and then
chat from a distance, often for some time,
before we actually meet (LeFebvre, 2018).
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94 chapter 3: Attraction
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS: LIKING THOSE
WHO ARE LOVELY
After proximity brings people together, what’s the first thing we’re likely to notice about
those we meet? Their looks, of course. And, although we all know that we shouldn’t
“judge books by their covers,” looks count. Physical attractiveness greatly influences
the first impressions that people form of one another. In general, right or wrong, we
tend to assume that good-looking people are more likable, better people than those
who are unattractive.
Our Bias for Beauty: “What Is Beautiful Is Good”
Imagine that you’re given a photograph of a stranger’s face and, using only the photo,
are asked to guess at the personality and prospects the person possesses. Studies of
judgments such as these routinely find that physically attractive people are presumed
to be interesting, sociable people who are likely to encounter personal and professional
success in love and life (see Table 3.2). In general, we seem to think that what is
beautiful is good; we assume that attractive people—especially those who share our own
ethnic background (Agthe et al., 2016)—have desirable traits such as agreeableness,
extraversion, and conscientiousness that complement their desirable appearances
(Segal-Caspi et al., 2012). And we seem to make these judgments automatically, with-
out any conscious thought; a beautiful face triggers a positive evaluation the instant we
see it (Olson & Marshuetz, 2005).
We don’t expect good-looking strangers to be wonderful in every respect; the more
attractive they are, the more promiscuous we think them to be (Brewer & Archer,
2007). (Is this just wishful thinking? It may be. One reason that we like to think that
pretty people are outgoing and kind is because we’re attracted to them, and we want
them to like us in return [Lemay et al., 2010]. Hope springs eternal.) Still, there’s no
TABLE 3.2. What Is Beautiful Is Good
Both male and female research participants judged that physically attractive people were
more likely than unattractive people to be:
Kind Interesting
Strong Poised
Outgoing Sociable
Nurturant Exciting date
Sensitive Good character
Sexually warm and responsive
These same judges also believed that, compared to those who were unattractive,
physically attractive people would have futures that involved
More prestige Happier marriages
More social and professional success More fulfilling lives
Source: Dion, K. K., Berscheid, E., & Walster, E. (1972). “What is beautiful is good.” Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology, 24, 285–290.
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chapter 3: Attraction 95
question that attractive people make better overall impressions on us than less attractive
people do, and this tends to be true all over the world (Wheeler & Kim, 1997).
The bias for beauty may also lead us to confuse beauty with talent. In the work-
place, physically attractive people make more money and are promoted more often
than are those with average looks. On average, good-looking folks earn $230,000 more
during their lifetimes than less lovely people do (Hamermesh, 2013). On campus,
attractive professors get better teaching evaluations than unattractive instructors do,
and students attend their classes more frequently (Wolbring & Riordan, 2016). The
more attractive U.S. politicians are, the more competent they are judged to be (Olivola &
Todorov, 2010). Attractive people even make better impressions in court; good-looking
culprits convicted of misdemeanors in Texas get lower fines than they would have
received had they been less attractive (Downs & Lyons, 1991).
But are the interactions and relationships of beautiful people really any different
from those of people who are less pretty? I’ll address that question shortly. First,
though, we need to assess whether we all tend to agree on who is pretty and who
is not.
Who’s Pretty?
Consider this: On the first day of a college class, researchers invite you to join a circle
that, including you, contains four men and four women. All of the others are strangers.
Your task is to take a close look at each person and to rate (secretly!) his or her
physical attractiveness while they all judge you in return. What would you expect?
Would all four members of the other sex in your group agree about how attractive you
are? Would you and the other three people of the same sex give each of the four oth-
ers exactly the same rating? David Marcus and I did a study just like this to determine
the extent to which beauty is in the “eye of the beholder” (Marcus & Miller, 2003).
We did find some mild disagreement among the observers that presumably resulted
from individual tastes. Judgments of beauty were somewhat idiosyncratic—but not
much. The take-home story of our study was the overwhelming consensus among
people about the physical beauty of the strangers they encountered. Our participants
clearly shared the same notions of who is and who isn’t pretty.
Moreover, this consensus exists across ethnic groups: Asians, Hispanics, and
Black and white Americans all tend to agree with each other about the attractive-
ness of women from all four groups (Cunningham et al., 1995). Even more striking
is the finding that newborn infants exhibit preferences for faces like those that
adults find attractive, too (Slater et al., 2000); when they are much too young to
be affected by social norms, babies spend more time gazing at attractive than unat-
tractive faces.
What faces are those? There’s little doubt that women are more attractive if they
have “baby-faced” features such as large eyes, a small nose, a small chin, and full lips
(Jones, 1995). The point is not to look childish, however, but to appear feminine and
youthful; beautiful women combine those baby-faced features with signs of maturity
such as prominent cheekbones, narrow cheeks, and a broad smile (Cunningham et al.,
2002). Long eyelashes are lovely, too (Adam, 2021), and women who present all these
features are thought to be attractive all over the world (Jones, 1995).
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96 chapter 3: Attraction
Male attractiveness is more complex. Men who have strong jaws and broad
foreheads—who look strong and dominant—are usually thought to be handsome (Rhodes,
2006). (Envision George Clooney.) On the other hand, when average male faces are
made slightly more feminine and baby-faced through computer imaging, the “feminized”
faces—which look warm and friendly—are attractive, too. ( Envision Tobey Maguire.)
Remarkably, which facial style is more attractive to women seems to be influenced both
by their average levels of the sex hormone progesterone during their menstrual cycles
and whether or not they currently have romantic partners: If they’re single, they find
rugged, manly features to be more attractive, the more progesterone they have—but if
they’re already partnered, higher levels of progesterone are associated with lower prefer-
ence for the masculine features (DeBruine et al., 2019).
In any case, good-looking faces in both sexes have features that are neither too
large nor too small. Indeed, they are quite average. If you use computer imaging soft-
ware to create composite images that combine the features of individual faces, the
average faces that result are more attractive than nearly all of the faces that make up
the composite (Little, 2015). This is true not only in the United States but also in
China, Nigeria, India, and Japan (Rhodes et al., 2002). (For a delightful set of exam-
ples from Germany, go to “‘BeautyCheck’ homepage!” with your search engine.)
However, this doesn’t mean that gorgeous people have bland, ordinary looks. The
images that result from this averaging process are actually rather unusual. Their features
are all proportional to one another; no nose is too big, and no eyes are too small, and
there is nothing about such faces that is exaggerated, underdeveloped, or odd. Averaged
faces are also symmetrical with the two sides of the face being mirror images of one
another; the eyes are the same size, the cheeks are the same width, and so on. Facial
symmetry is attractive in its own right, whether or not a face is “average” (Fink et al.,
Which of these two faces is more appealing to you? They are composite images of the same face
that have been altered to include feminine or masculine facial features, and if you’re a woman,
your answer may depend on your average levels of progesterone and whether or not you’re in a
romantic relationship. Single women with lots of progesterone tend to find the more masculine
face on the right to be more attractive, but when women have partners, higher levels of progester-
one predict higher interest in the more feminine face on the left. I’ll have more to say about phe-
nomena like this a few pages from now. Picture A is a 50 percent feminized male composite; B
is a 50 percent masculinized male composite.
BA
Anthony Little
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chapter 3: Attraction 97
2006). In fact, if you take a close look at identical twins, whose faces are very similar,
you’ll probably think that the twin with the more symmetric face is the more attractive of
the two (Lee et al., 2016). Both symmetry and “averageness” make their own contribution
to facial beauty, so beautiful faces combine the best features of individual faces in a bal-
anced, well-proportioned whole.
Of course, some bodies are more attractive than others, too. Men find women’s
shapes most alluring when they are of normal weight, neither too heavy nor too thin,
and their waists are noticeably narrower than their hips (Lassek & Gaulin, 2016). The
most attractive waist-to-hip ratio, or WHR, is a curvy 0.7 in which the waist is 30 percent
smaller than the hips (see Figure 3.3); this “hourglass” shape appeals to men around
the world (Valentova et al., 2017).5 In the Czech Republic, for instance, the slimmer a
woman’s waist is, the more often she and her man have sex and the better his erectile
function is (Brody & Weiss, 2013). This appears to be a fundamental preference, too;
even men who have been blind from birth prefer a low WHR in women’s bodies when
they assess their shapes by touch (Karremans et al., 2010). (And if you’re still not
convinced, this should do it: The princesses in animated Disney movies have lower
WHRs than the female villains do [Aung & Williams, 2019].) Women who are over-
weight are usually judged to be less attractive than slender and normal-weight women
are (Faries & Bartholomew, 2012), and marriages are more satisfying to both spouses,
on average, when wives are thinner than their husbands (Meltzer et al., 2011); neverthe-
less, thin women are not more attractive to men than women of normal weight are
Look what happens when 2, 8, or 32 real faces are morphed together into composite images.
When more faces are combined, the resulting image portrays a face that is not odd or idiosyn-
cratic in any way and that has features and dimensions that are more and more typical of the
human race. The result is a more attractive image. Averaged faces are attractive faces.
a. 2-Face Composite b. 8-Face Composite c. 32-Face Composite
5If you want to measure your own WHR, find the circumference of your waist at its narrowest point and
divide that figure by the circumference of your hips at their broadest point, including your buttocks. Your
butt is included in your “waist-to-hip” ratio.
Judith Langlois/Langlois Social Development Lab
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98 chapter 3: Attraction
(Swami et al., 2007). Around the world, men like medium-sized breasts more than small
breasts (Havlíček et al., 2017), but even larger breasts do not make a woman any more
attractive (Kościński et al., 2020). In any case, breast size is less important than their
proportion to the rest of a woman’s body; a curvy 0.75 waist-to-bust ratio is very appeal-
ing ( Voracek & Fisher, 2006). In addition, a woman’s WHR has more influence on
men’s judgments of her attractiveness than her breast size does (Dixson et al., 2011).6
Once again, male attractiveness is more complex. Men’s bodies are most attractive
when their waists are only slightly narrower than their hips, with a WHR of 0.9. Broad
shoulders and muscles are also attractive; men with higher shoulder-to-hip ratios
(around 1.2) and bigger muscles have sex with more women and at earlier ages than
do men who have narrower shoulders (Hughes & Gallup, 2003) or smaller muscles
(Lassek & Gaulin, 2009)—and this, too, is true around the world (Frederick et al.,
2011). However, a nice shape doesn’t attract a woman to a man unless he has other
resources as well; a man’s WHR affects women’s evaluations of him only when he
earns a healthy salary (Singh, 1995). A man is not all that attractive to women if he
is handsome but poor.
Judgments of physical attractiveness are evidently multifaceted, and several
other characteristics also inf luence those perceptions. Both men and women tend
to prefer heterosexual partnerships in which he is taller than she is (Stulp et al.,
2013), but height matters more to women than to men (Yancey & Emerson, 2016).
So, tall men get more responses from women to their online profiles than short
men do. A guy who’s short—say, 5’ 4”—can get as many responses on a dating web-
site as a fellow who’s much taller—say, 6’ 1”—but only if he earns more money. A
lot more. In this particular case, the shorter man would have to earn $221,000 more
each year to be as interesting to women (Hitsch et al., 2010).
FIGURE 3.3. Waist-to-hip ratios.
These figures portray the range of different waist-to-hip ratios that are typically found in young
women. When men study a variety of images that present all of the possible WHRs from 0.6
to 0.85, they find an average WHR of 0.7 to be most attractive.
6I can also report that when men get 5 seconds to inspect full-body frontal images of naked women, the first
things they look at are the breasts and waist (Garza et al., 2016). The face comes later. (But if you’re a
woman, you already knew that.)
Krzysztof Kościński
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chapter 3: Attraction 99
A potential partner’s smell also matters more to women than to men (Herz &
Inzlicht, 2002), and remarkably, they prefer the smells of guys who have been eating
a healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables to the smells of guys who’ve been consuming
a lot of carbohydrates (Zuniga et al., 2017). But men are sensitive to smell, too, prefer-
ring the natural scents of pretty women to those of women who are less attractive
(Thornhill et al., 2003). In a typical study of this sort, people shower using unscented
soap before they go to bed and then sleep in the same T-shirt for several nights. Then,
research participants who have never met those people take a big whiff of those shirts
and select the scents that are most appealing to them. Symmetrical, attractive people
evidently smell better than asymmetrical, less attractive people do, because strangers
prefer the aromas of attractive people to the smells of those who are more plain
(Thornhill et al., 2003). What’s more, heterosexual men don’t much like the smell of
gay men, who have aromas that are more attractive to other gay guys than to straight
men (Martins et al., 2005). I am not making this up, so there are evidently subtle
influences at work here.
Finally, women also like smart guys (which should be good news for most of the
men reading this book) (Karbowski et al., 2016). In one intriguing study, researchers
gave men intelligence tests and then filmed them throwing a Frisbee, reading news
headlines aloud, and pondering the possibility of life on Mars. When women watched
the videos, the smarter the men were, the more appealing they were (Prokosch et al.,
2009). This may be one reason that, when they are trying to impress a woman, men
use a more elaborate vocabulary—that is, bigger words—than they do in ordinary dis-
course (Rosenberg & Tunney, 2008).
An Evolutionary Perspective on Physical Attractiveness
I’ve just mentioned a lot of details, so you may not have noticed, but people’s prefer-
ences for prettiness generally fit the assumptions of an evolutionary perspective. Con-
sider these patterns:
• Cultures differ in several respects, but people all over the world still tend to agree
on who is and who is not attractive (Cunningham et al., 1995; Jones, 1995). That’s
one reason why the winners of international beauty pageants are usually gorgeous
no matter where they’re from.
• Babies are born with preferences for the same faces that adults find attractive
(Slater et al., 2000). Some reactions to good looks may be inherited.
• People with attractive symmetrical faces also tend to have symmetrical bodies and to
enjoy better mental and physical health—and therefore make better mates—than do
people with asymmetrical faces (Nedelec & Beaver, 2014; Perilloux et al., 2010). Sym-
metric people of both sexes are smarter (Luxen & Buunk, 2006) and get sick less
often (Van Dongen & Gangestad, 2011) than do those whose faces and bodies have
odd proportions.
• Women with WHRs near the attractive norm of 0.7 are usually young and are not
already pregnant (Lassek & Gaulin, 2019), so they look like they’d be good mates
(Bovet, 2019). They also tend to enjoy better physical health than do women with
fewer curves (Jasieńska et al., 2004). A man with an attractive WHR of 0.9 is also
likely to be in better health than another man with a plump belly (Payne, 2006).
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100 chapter 3: Attraction
So, both sexes are most attracted to the physical shapes that signal the highest
likelihood of good health in the other sex (Singh & Singh, 2011).
• Everybody likes good looks, but physical attractiveness matters most to people
who live in equatorial regions of the world where there are many parasites and
pathogens that can endanger good health (Gangestad & Buss, 1993). In such areas,
unblemished beauty may be an especially good sign that someone is in better
health—and will make a better mate—than someone whose face is in some way
imperfect.
• Ultimately, all things considered, attractive people in the United States reproduce
more successfully—they have more children—than do those who are less attractive
(Jokela, 2009).
• There are subtle but provocative changes in women’s desires that accompany their
monthly menstrual cycles. Women are only fertile for the few days that precede
their ovulation each month (see Figure 3.4), and during that period, they experi-
ence increases in sexual desire both for their current partners and for other men
(Arslan et al., 2020). They generally find men’s bodies to be more attractive
(Jünger et al., 2018), and they are better able to judge whether a guy is gay or
straight (Rule et al., 2011). These cyclic changes do not occur if women are taking
birth control pills (and therefore are not ovulating) (Alvergne & Lummaa, 2010).
FIGURE 3.4. Women’s probability of conception during the menstrual cycle.
Women are fertile during the few days just before they ovulate at the end of the follicular
phase of their menstrual cycles. During that period, they experience more sexual desire, for both
their partners and for others, than they do during the rest of the month.
1 3 5 7 9 11 13 15 17 19 21 23 25 27 29
Day in Cycle
Pr
ob
ab
ili
ty
o
f C
on
ce
pt
io
n
(x
10
0
)
50
40
30
20
10
0
Follicular Phase Luteal Phase
Source: Jöchle, W. (1973). “Coitus-induced ovulation,” Contraception, 7, 523–564.
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chapter 3: Attraction 101
• For their part, men think women smell better
when they’re about to ovulate than at other times
of the month (Gildersleeve et al., 2012). Smelling
the T-shirts of such women causes men to experi-
ence a surge of testosterone (Miller & Maner,
2010) and to start thinking sexy thoughts (Miller &
Maner, 2011). When women are fertile, their
voices (Ostrander et al., 2018) and bodies (Grillot et al., 2014) are more attractive
to men, too. All in all, it seems pretty clear that in subtle but real ways—and
without necessarily being aware of it—men can tell there’s something slightly
different and desirable about a woman when she’s about to ovulate (Haselton
& Gildersleeve, 2016).7
These patterns convince some theorists that our standards of physical beauty
have an evolutionary basis (Eastwick & Tidwell, 2013). Presumably, early humans
who successfully sought fertile, robust, and healthy mates were more likely to
reproduce successfully than were those who simply mated at random. As a result,
the common preferences of modern men for symmetrical, low-WHR partners and
of modern (fertile) women for symmetrical, masculine men may be evolved incli-
nations that are rooted more in their human natures than in their particular
cultural heritage.
Culture Counts, Too
Nevertheless, there’s no doubt that standards of attractiveness are also affected
by changing economic and cultural conditions. Have you seen those Renaissance
paintings of women who look fat by modern standards? During hard times, when
a culture’s food supply is unreliable and people are hungry, slender women are
actually less desirable than heavy women are (Nelson & Morrison, 2005). Around
the world, only during times of plenty are slender women considered to be attrac-
tive (Swami et al., 2010). Indeed, as economic prosperity spread through the
United States during the twentieth century, women were expected to be slimmer
and slimmer so that, back when they were popular, the average Playboy Playmate
was so slender she met the weight criterion for having an eating disorder (Owen
& Laurel-Seller, 2000).
Norms can differ across ethnic groups as well (influenced in part, perhaps, by
different patterns of economic well-being). Black and Latina women in the United
States are more accepting of some extra weight than white women are, and indeed,
7Once again, and as always, I am not making any of this up. More importantly, aren’t these findings remark-
able? Keep in mind that if a woman is changing the normal ebb and flow of her hormones by taking birth
control pills, none of this happens (Alvergne & Lummaa, 2010). But when women are cycling normally,
these patterns support the possibility that estrous cycles exist in humans just as they do in other animals.
The actual frequency with which heterosexual women have sex with their men does not fluctuate with ovula-
tion (Grebe et al., 2013), so such cycles are more subtle in humans, to be sure—but they may exist nonetheless
(Gangestad & Haselton, 2015).
A Point to Ponder
Are you intrigued or are you
annoyed by an evolutionary
perspective on physical attrac-
tiveness? Why?
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102 chapter 3: Attraction
Black and Latino men like heavier women than white men do (Glasser et al., 2009).
(But watch out: They still prefer the same curvaceous 0.7 WHR that is universally
appealing to men [Singh & Luis, 1995]. In fact, even those Renaissance paintings
depicted women with 0.7 WHRs.)
Collectively, these findings suggest that human nature and environmental condi-
tions work together to shape our judgments of who is and who isn’t pretty (Eastwick,
2013). We’re usually attracted to people who appear to be good mates, but what looks
good depends somewhat on the conditions we inhabit. Still, beauty is not just in the
eye of the beholder. There is remarkable agreement about who’s gorgeous and who’s
ugly around the world.
Looks Matter
When a stranger walks into the room, you’ll know with a glance how attractive he
or she is (Palomares & Young, 2018). Does that matter? Indeed, it does. During
speed dates—in which people meet a variety of potential partners and get a chance
to exchange any information they want—the biggest inf luence on their liking for
others is outward appearance. “Participants are given 3 minutes in which to make
their judgments, but they could mostly be made in 3 seconds” ( Kurzban & Weeden,
2005, p. 240). Men are attracted to women who are slender, young, and physically
attractive, and women are attracted to men who are tall, young, and physically
attractive. Of all the things people could learn about each other in a few minutes
of conversation, the one that matters most is physical attractiveness (Li et al., 2013).
Take someone’s Big 5 personality traits, attachment style, political attitudes, and
other values and interests into account, and the best predictor of interest in him or
her after a brief first meeting remains physical attractiveness. As you’d expect,
friendly, outgoing people tend to be well liked, and nobody much likes people who
are shy or high in anxiety about abandonment (McClure & Lydon, 2014), but noth-
ing else about someone is as important at first meeting as his or her looks (Olderbak
et al., 2017).
Of course, speed-dating events can be a bit hectic—have you ever introduced
yourself to 25 different potential partners in a busy hour and a half?—and when they
ponder the question, men all over the world report higher interest in having a phys-
ically attractive romantic partner than women do (Walter et al., 2020; see
Figure 3.5). This is true of gays and lesbians, too (Ha
et al., 2012). And indeed, 4 years into a marriage, a
man’s satisfaction is correlated with his spouse’s attrac-
tiveness, but a woman’s contentment is unrelated to her
partner’s looks (Meltzer et al., 2014). Women know
that men are judging them by their looks, which may
be why 87 percent of the cosmetic surgery performed
in the United States in 2018 was done on women
(American Society of Plastic Surgeons, 2019).
But remember, despite the different emphasis men
and women (say they) put on good looks, physical
A Point to Ponder
Modern culture is full of im-
ages of tall, slender, shapely
women and tall, muscular,
handsome men. How are
these idealized images of
the two sexes subtly inf lu-
encing your real-life
relationships?
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chapter 3: Attraction 103
attractiveness influences both sexes when people get together (Eastwick et al., 2014),
and on online dating sites, women are just as likely as men to want to see a photo of
a potential partner (Vogels, 2020). Looks matter. They’re the most potent influence
on how much any two people will initially like each other.
The Interactive Costs and Benefits of Beauty
So, what effects do our looks have on our interactions with others? Notably, despite
men’s interest in women’s looks, there is actually no correlation overall between a
woman’s beauty and the amount of time she spends interacting with men (Reis et al.,
1982). Attractive women get more dates, but plain women spend plenty of time inter-
acting with men in group settings where others are present. In contrast, men’s looks
are correlated with the number and length of the interactions they have with women.
Unattractive men have fewer interactions of any sort with fewer women than good-
looking guys do. In this sense, then, physical attractiveness has a bigger effect on the
social lives of men than it does on women.
Being more popular, attractive people tend to be less lonely, more socially skilled,
and a little happier than the rest of us (Feingold, 1992), and they’re able to have sex with
a wider variety of people if they want (Weeden & Sabini, 2007). Physical attractiveness
may even account for as much as 10 percent of the variability in people’s adjustment and
well-being over their lifetimes (Burns & Farina, 1992). But being attractive has disadvan-
tages, too. For one thing, perhaps because they’re so highly sought (even when they’re
already in a relationship), the marriages of gorgeous people are less stable than those of
the rest of us; they divorce more often than plain people do (Ma-Kellams et al., 2017).
Others lie to pretty people more often, too. People are more willing to misrepresent their
interests, personalities, and incomes to get close to an attractive person than they are to
fabricate an image for a plain partner (Rowatt et al., 1999). As a result, realizing that
others are often “brown-nosing,” or trying to ingratiate themselves, gorgeous people may
cautiously begin mistrusting or discounting some of the praise they receive from others.
FIGURE 3.5. Desire for physical attractiveness in a romantic partner.
Around the world, according to their self-reports, men care about a partner’s looks more than
women do.
.5
0
1.0
1.5
2.0
2.5
3.0Indispensable Men
Unimportant
Bulgaria Nigeria Indonesia West
Germany
USA
Women
Source: Data from Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (1993). “Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective
on human mating,” Psychological Review, 100, 204–232.
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104 chapter 3: Attraction
Consider this clever study: Attractive or unattractive people receive a written eval-
uation of their work from a person of the other sex who either does or does not know
what they look like (Major et al., 1984). In every case, each participant receives a
flattering, complimentary evaluation. (Indeed, everyone gets exactly the same praise.)
How did the recipients react to this good news? Attractive men and women trusted
the praise more and assumed that it was more sincere when it came from someone
who didn’t know they were good-looking. They were evidently used to getting insincere
compliments from people who were impressed by their looks. On the other hand, unat-
tractive people found the praise more compelling when the evaluator did know they
were plain; sadly, they probably weren’t used to compliments from people who were
aware of their unappealing appearances.
So, gorgeous people are used to pleasant interactions with others, but they tend
not to trust other people as much as less attractive people do (Reis et al., 1982). In
particular, others’ praise may be ambiguous. If you’re very attractive, you may never
be sure whether people are complimenting you because they respect your abilities or
because they like your looks.
Matching in Physical Attractiveness
I’ve spent several pages discussing physical attractiveness—which is an indication of
its importance—but there is one last point to make about its influence at the begin-
ning of a relationship. We all may want gorgeous partners, but we’re likely to end up
paired off with others who are only about as attractive as we are (Hitsch et al., 2010).
Partners in established romantic relationships tend to have similar levels of physical
attractiveness; that is, their looks are well matched, and this pattern is known as
matching.
The more serious and committed a relationship becomes, the more obvious match-
ing usually is. People may pursue others who are better-looking than they—on dating
sites, they’ll often pursue others who are about 25 percent more desirable than they
are (Bruch & Newman, 2018)—but they are unlikely to go steady with, or become
engaged to, someone who is “out of their league” (Taylor et al., 2011). What this means
is that, even if everybody wants a physically attractive partner, only those who are also
good-looking are likely to get them. None of the really good-looking people want to
pair off with us folks of average looks, and we, in turn, don’t want partners who are
“beneath us,” either (Lee et al., 2008).
Thus, it’s not very romantic, but similarity in physical attractiveness seems to
operate as a screening device. If people generally value good looks, matching will occur
as they settle for the best-looking partner who will have them in return (Montoya,
2008). There is, however, a heartwarming exception to this rule: Matching is less
obvious—and mismatches in attractiveness are more likely to occur—in partners who
were platonic friends before a romance developed between them (Hunt et al., 2015).
Evidently, matching matters less if people grow close before the issue of relative attrac-
tiveness rears its ugly head (so to speak). Husbands and wives do tend to be noticeably
similar in physical attractiveness (Little et al., 2006), and some relationships never get
started because the two people don’t look enough alike (van Straaten et al., 2009)—but
that needn’t always be the case.
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chapter 3: Attraction 105
RECIPROCITY: LIKING THOSE WHO LIKE US
The matching phenomenon suggests that, to enjoy the most success in the relationship
marketplace, we should pursue partners who are likely to return our interest—and in
fact, most people do just that. When we ponder possible partners, most of us rate our
realistic interest in others—and the likelihood that we will approach them and try to
start a relationship—using a formula like this (Shanteau & Nagy, 1979):
A Potential
Partner’s Desirability
=
His/Her
Physical Attractiveness
×
His/Her Probability
of Accepting You
Everything else being equal, the better-looking people are, the more desirable
they are. However, this formula suggests that people’s physical attractiveness is mul-
tiplied by our judgments of how likely it is that they will like us in return to determine
their overall appeal. Do the math. If someone likes us a lot but is rather ugly, that
person probably won’t be our first choice for a date. If someone else is gorgeous but
doesn’t like us back, we won’t waste our time. The most appealing potential partner
is often someone who is moderately attractive and who seems to offer a reasonably
good chance of accepting us (perhaps because he or she isn’t gorgeous) (Montoya &
Horton, 2014).
Our expectations regarding the probability of others’ acceptance have much to do
with our mate value, or overall attractiveness as a reproductive partner. People with
high mate values are highly sought by others, and as a result, they’re able to insist on
partners of high quality. And they do (Arnocky, 2018). For instance, women who are
very good-looking have very high standards in men; they don’t just want a kind man
who would be a good father, or a sexy man who has good economic prospects; they
want all of those desirable characteristics in their partners (Buss & Shackelford, 2008).
If their mate values are high enough, they might be able to attract such perfect partners
(Conroy-Beam & Buss, 2016)—but if they’re overestimating their desirability and over-
reaching, they’re likely to remain frustrated (Bredow, 2015).
In general, our histories of acceptance and rejection from others have taught us
what to expect when we approach new potential partners (Charlot et al., 2020). Com-
pared to the rest of us, for instance, people who are shy (Wenzel & Emerson, 2009)
or who have low self-esteem (Bale & Archer, 2013) nervously expect more rejection
from others, so they pursue less desirable partners. But it’s common to be cautious
when we are unsure of others’ acceptance. A clever demonstration of this point
emerged from a study in which college men had to choose where to sit to watch a
movie (Bernstein et al., 1983). They had two choices: squeeze into a small cubicle next
to a very attractive woman, or sit in an adjacent cubicle—alone—where there was plenty
of room. The key point is that some of the men believed that the same movie was
playing on both monitors, whereas other men believed that different movies were show-
ing on the two screens. Let’s consider the guys’ dilemma. Presumably, most of them
wanted to become acquainted with the beautiful woman. However, when only one
movie was available, squeezing in next to her entailed some risk of rejection; their
intentions would be obvious, and there was some chance that the woman would tell
them to “back off.” However, when two different movies were available, they were on
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106 chapter 3: Attraction
safer ground. Sitting next to the woman could mean that they just wanted to see that
particular movie, and a rebuff from her would be rude. In fact, only 25 percent of the
men dared to sit next to the woman when the same movie was on both monitors, but
75 percent did so when two movies were available and their intentions were more
ambiguous. Moreover, we can be sure that the men were taking advantage of the
uncertain situation to move in on the woman—instead of really wanting to see that
particular movie—because the experimenters kept changing which movie played on
which screen. Three-fourths of the men squeezed in with the gorgeous woman no mat-
ter which movie was playing there!
In general, then, people seem to take heed of the likelihood that they will be
accepted and liked by others, and they are more likely to approach those who offer
acceptance than rejection. Our judgments of our mate values can vary from one rela-
tionship to another, as we assess our compatibility—and appeal—to particular partners
(Eastwick & Hunt, 2014). But the best acceptance usually comes from potential part-
ners who are selective and choosy and who don’t offer acceptance to everyone. In
speed-dating situations, for example, people who are eager to go out with everyone they
meet are liked less by others—and make fewer matches—than those who are more
What’s a Good Opening Line?
You’re shopping for groceries, and you keep
crossing paths with an attractive person who
smiles at you warmly when your eyes meet.
You’d like to meet him or her. What should
you say? You need to do more than just say,
“Hi,” and wait for a response, don’t you? Per-
haps some clever food-related witticism is the
way to go: “Is your dad a baker? You’ve sure
got a nice set of buns.”
Common sense suggests that such at-
tempts at humor are good opening lines. In-
deed, the Web is full of sites with lists of
funny pickup lines that are supposed to make
a good impression. Be careful, though; seri-
ous research has compared the effectiveness
of various types of opening lines, and a cute
or flippant remark may be among the worst
things to say.
Let’s distinguish cute lines from innocu-
ous openers (such as just saying, “Hi” or
“How’re you doing?”) and direct lines that
honestly communicate your interest (such as
“Hi, I’d like to get to know you”). When
women e valuate lines like these by watching
tapes of men who use them, they like the cute
lines much less than the other two types
(Kleinke & Dean, 1990). More importantly,
when a guy actually uses one of these lines on
a woman in a singles bar, the innocuous and
direct openers get a favorable response 70 per-
cent of the time compared to a success rate of
only 24 percent for the cute lines (Cunning-
ham, 1989). A line that is sexually forward
(such as “I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I
bet I can make your bed rock”) usually does
even worse (Cooper et al., 2007). There’s no
comparison: Simply saying hello is a much
smarter strategy than trying to be cute or for-
ward (Weber et al., 2010).
Why, then, do people create long lists of
flippant pickup lines? Because they’re men.
When a woman uses a cute line on a man in a
singles bar, it usually works—but that’s because
any opening line from a woman works well with
a man. But the approach men like best is for a
woman to honestly announce her interest with
a direct approach (such as “Want to have a
drink together?”) (Fisher et al., 2020). Whether
you’re a man or woman, if you’d like to get to
know someone, the best thing to do is to say so.
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chapter 3: Attraction 107
discriminating; people who say “yes” to everybody get few “yesses” in return, whereas
those who record interest in only a select few are more enticing to those they pick
(Eastwick et al., 2007). These results jive nicely, by the way, with classic studies of
what happens when people play “hard to get.” Because people like to be liked, pretend-
ing to be aloof and only mildly interested in someone is a dumb way to try to attract
him or her. Playing hard to get doesn’t work. What does work is being selectively hard
to get—that is, being a difficult catch for everyone but the person you’re trying to attract
(Walster et al., 1973). Those who can afford to say “no” to most people but who are
happy to say “yes” to us are the most alluring potential partners of all.
Still, everything else being equal, it’s hard not to like those who like us (Birnbaum
et al., 2018). Imagine that the first thing you hear about a new transfer student is that
he or she has noticed you and really likes you; don’t you feel positively toward him or
her in return? Liking and acceptance from others is powerfully rewarding, and we’re
attracted to those who provide it.
SIMILARITY: LIKING THOSE WHO ARE LIKE US
So, it’s rewarding to meet people who like us. It’s also enjoyable to find others who
are just like us and who share the same background, interests, and tastes. Indeed, when
it comes to our attitudes, age, race (and, to some degree, our personalities), the old
cliché that “birds of a feather flock together” is absolutely correct (Bahns et al., 2017;
Hampton et al., 2019). Like attracts like. Consider these classic examples:
• At the University of Michigan, previously unacquainted men were given free rooms
in a boardinghouse in exchange for their participation in a study of developing
friendships (Newcomb, 1961). At the end of the semester, the men’s closest friend-
ships were with those housemates with whom they had the most in common.
• At the University of Texas, researchers intentionally created blind dates between
men and women who held either similar social and political attitudes or dissimilar
views (Byrne et al., 1970). Each couple spent 30 minutes at the student union
getting to know each other over soft drinks. After the “dates,” similar couples liked
each other more than dissimilar couples did.
• At Kansas State University, 13 men spent 10 days jammed together in a simulated
fallout shelter, and their feelings about each other were assessed along the way
(Griffitt & Veitch, 1974). The men got along fine with those with whom they had
a lot in common, but would have thrown out of the shelter, if they could, those
who were the least similar to themselves.
As these examples suggest, similarity is attractive.
What Kind of Similarity?
But what kinds of similarities are we talking about? Well, lots. Whether they are lovers
or friends, happy relationship partners resemble each other more than random strang-
ers do in several ways. First, there’s demographic similarity in age, sex, race, education,
religion, and social class (Hitsch et al., 2010). Most of your best friends in high school
miL04267_ch03_087-132.indd 107 12/01/21 4:30 PM
108 chapter 3: Attraction
were probably of the same age, sex, and race (Hartl et al., 2015), and if you marry,
you and your spouse are likely to have similar levels of education (Jonason & Antoon,
2019). People are even more likely than you’d expect to marry someone whose last
name begins with the same last letter as their own (Jones et al., 2004)!
Then there’s similarity in attitudes and values. There is a straightforward link between
the proportion of the attitudes two people think they share and their attraction to each
other: the more agreement, the more liking. Take note of the pattern in Figure 3.6. When
people were told that they agreed on a lot of issues, attraction didn’t level off after a
certain amount of similarity was reached, and there was no danger in having “too much
in common.” Instead, where attitudes are concerned, the more similar two people are,
the more they like each other (Sprecher, 2019). For whom did you vote in the last elec-
tion? It’s likely you and your sweetheart cast similar ballots (and if you didn’t, there may
be trouble ahead [Afifi et al., 2020]).
Finally, to a lesser degree, partners may have similar personalities—but this pattern
is a bit complex. When it comes to me being happy with you, it’s not vital that you
and I have similar personalities (van Scheppingen et al., 2019); what matters is that
you are agreeable, conscientious, and emotionally stable, and so are easy and pleasant
to live with (Watson et al., 2014). My contentment will have more to do with your
desirable qualities than with how similar we are (Weidmann et al., 2017). Of course,
if I have a congenial, dependable personality, too, then you’re also happy, and our
personalities are fairly similar—but it’s not our similarity per se that’s promoting our
Attraction is influenced by similarity.
People who are similar in background
characteristics, physical attractiveness,
and attitudes are more likely to be
attracted to each other than are those
who are dissimilar.
FIGURE 3.6. The relationship between attraction
and perceived similarity in attitudes.
People expected to like a stranger when they
were led to believe that the stranger shared
their attitudes.
6.00
A
ttr
ac
tio
n
12.00
Proportion of Similar Attitudes
1.00.00 .10 .20 .30 .40 .50 .60 .70 .80.90
1 1.00
10.00
9.00
8.00
7.00
Source: Adapted from Byrne, D., & Nelson, D. (1965).
“Attraction as a linear function of proportion of positive
reinforcements,” Journal of Personality and Social Psy-
chology, 1, 659–663.Asia Images Group/Getty Images
miL04267_ch03_087-132.indd 108 12/01/21 4:30 PM
chapter 3: Attraction 109
satisfaction (Wood & Furr, 2016). The key here is that the link between similarity and
attraction is stronger for attitudes than for personalities (Watson et al., 2004), and it
actually varies some from country to country. In China, a country that values group
harmony, for instance, the personalities of husbands and wives are typically more
similar than those of spouses in the United States, a country that celebrates individu-
alism (Chen et al., 2009). (And that sounds like a point
to ponder.)
In any case, people with similar styles and traits
usually get along well when they encounter each other
(Sharabi & Caughlin, 2017); for instance, the first meet-
ings of two gregarious people or two shy people are
typically more enjoyable than the first conversation of
a gregarious person and a shy person is (Cuperman &
Ickes, 2009). People even like others better, when they
meet online, if they have similar avatars (van der Land
et al., 2015).
Do Opposites Attract?
So, in general, the more two people have in common, the more they like each other.
“Relationships are formed, in part, by the selection of partners who share important
attitudes, values, prejudices, activities, and some personality traits” (Bahns et al., 2017,
p. 341).8 When others share our views, we assume that they like us, we trust them
(Singh et al., 2017), and we enjoy time with them more than is the case when we
disagree (Hampton et al., 2019). Why, then, do some of us believe that “opposites
attract”? Are people really more attracted to each other when they are less alike? The
simple answer is no. There are some nuances at work, but people are not routinely
more content with dissimilar, rather than similar, partners. However, there are several
important subtleties in the way similarity operates that may mislead people into think-
ing that opposites do sometimes attract.
How Much Do We Think We Have in Common?
Perceived Similarity Matters
The first subtlety is that our perceptions of how much we have in common affect our
attraction to each more than our actual similarity does. For instance, 4 minutes after
people have met in a speed-dating study, their interest in each other has little to do with
how much they really have in common; instead, to the extent their liking for each other
is influenced by their personalities and interests, it depends on how similar they think
they are (Tidwell et al., 2013). And perceived similarity remains important even if a
relationship develops and the partners come to know each other better. After years of
friendship—or marriage!—partners still routinely think that they have more in common
with each other than they really do (Goel et al., 2010). They overestimate the similarities
they share (de Jong & Reis, 2014)—and discovering how wrong they are (if they ever do)
A Point to Ponder
Husbands and wives in
China typically have person-
alities that are more similar
to one another than spouses
in the United States do.
When it comes to marital
satisfaction, is that a good or
a bad thing?
8I added the italics to this quote.
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110 chapter 3: Attraction
can take some time. Meanwhile, interested onlookers—friends, family, co-workers—may
correctly observe that the partners are two very different people and infer, therefore, that
opposites must attract. No, the partners aren’t together because their differences are
desirable, they’re together because they think they’re not very different, and they’re wrong
(Sprecher, 2014).
Discovering Dissimilarities Can Take Time
If we like others when we meet them (perhaps simply because they’re good-looking),
we tend to expect (or is it hope?) that they have attitudes and values that are similar to
our own (Rodrigues et al., 2017)—and of course, sometimes we’re mistaken. If we get to
know them better, the interests and attitudes we actually share will become influential
(Luo, 2009), but it may take a while for us to figure that out.
A process like this was evident in Newcomb’s (1961) study of developing friend-
ships among men sharing a boardinghouse. Soon after they met, the men liked best
the housemates who they thought were most like them; thus, at first, their friendships
were influenced mostly by perceived similarity. As the semester progressed, however,
the actual similarities the men shared with each other played a larger and larger role
in their friendships. When they got to know each other better, the men clearly pre-
ferred those who really were similar to them, although this was not always the case
at first.
Then, even when we do know our partners well, there may still be surprises ahead.
According to Bernard Murstein’s (1987) stimulus-value-role theory, we gain three
Interethnic Relationships
Most of our intimate relationships are likely
to be with others of the same race. Neverthe-
less, marriages between spouses from differ-
ent ethnic groups are occurring at a record
pace in the United States, with 17 percent of
newlyweds marrying someone of a different
race (Geiger & Livingston, 2019). Those
couples raise an interesting question: If simi-
larity attracts, what’s going on? The answer is
actually straightforward: nothing special. If
you ignore the fact of their dissimilar ethnic-
ity, interethnic couples appear to be influ-
enced by the same motives that guide
everyone else. The partners tend to be similar
in age, education, and attractiveness, and
their relationships, like most, are based on
common interests and personal compatibil-
ity (Brummett, 2017). A few things distin-
guish people who date partners from other
cultural groups: Compared to their peers,
they’ve had closer contact with other ethnici-
ties (Skinner & Rae, 2019) and they’re more
accepting of other cultures (Brooks &
Neville, 2017). They also tend to live in areas
where potential partners of the same race are
relatively scarce (Choi & Tienda, 2017). In
general, however, inter ethnic partners are
just as satisfied as other couples (Troy et al.,
2006) and despite some lingering disap-
proval from others (Skinner & Rae, 2019),
they have the same chances for marital suc-
cess as their peers (Zhang & Van Hook,
2009). Their relationships operate the same
way: Two people who consider each other to
be good-looking and smart (Wu et al., 2015)—
and who are more alike than different—
decide to stay together because they’re happy
and they’ve fallen in love.
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chapter 3: Attraction 111
different broad types of information about our partners as a new relationship develops.
When we first meet, our attraction to each other is primarily based on “stimulus”
information involving obvious attributes such as age, sex, and, of course, looks. There-
after, during the “value” stage, attraction depends on similarity in attitudes and beliefs
as we learn whether we like the same kinds of pizzas, movies, and politics (see
Figure 3.7). Only later does “role” compatibility become important, when we finally
find out if we agree on the basics of parenting, careers, and housecleaning, among
other life tasks. The point is that partners can be perfectly content with each other’s
tastes in music (for instance) without ever realizing that they disagree fundamentally
about where they’d like to live and how many kids—if any!—they want to have. Impor-
tant dissimilarities sometimes become apparent only after couples have married—
and such spouses may stay together despite their differences, but it’s not because
opposites attract.
The influence of time and experience is also apparent in fatal attractions (Felmlee,
2001). These occur when a quality that initially attracts one person to another gradu-
ally becomes one of the most obnoxious, irritating things about that partner. For
instance, partners who initially seem spontaneous and fun may later seem irresponsible
and foolish, and those who appear strong and assertive may later seem domineering.
Those who initially welcome a partner’s high level of attention and devotion may come
to resent such behavior when it later seems too possessive. In such cases, the annoying
trait is no secret, but people fail to appreciate how their judgments of it will change
with time. Importantly, such fatal qualities are often different from one’s own; they
may seem admirable and desirable at first—so that a spendthrift who’s always broke
may initially admire a tightwad who counts every penny—but over time people realize
that such opposites aren’t attractive (Rick et al., 2011).
FIGURE 3.7. Three different phases of relationship development.
Murstein’s (1987) stimulus-value-role theory suggests that developing relationships are influ-
enced by three different types of information that differ in importance and influence as time
goes by and the partners learn more about each other.
Im
po
rt
an
ce
o
f I
nf
or
m
at
io
n
Increasing Intimacy
Role
Value
Stimulus
Source: Data from Murstein, B. I. (1987). “A clarification and extension of the SVR theory of dyadic pairing,”
Journal of Marriage and the Family, 49, 929–933.
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112 chapter 3: Attraction
You May Be the Person I Want to Become
Along those lines, people also admire those who possess skills and talents they
wish they had. Another nuance in the operation of similarity lies in our attraction to
others who are similar to our ideal selves, that is, who exhibit desirable qualities that
we want to, but do not yet, possess (Strauss et al., 2012). This tendency is complex
because it’s threatening and unpleasant when people surpass us and make us look bad
by comparison (Herbst et al., 2003). However, if others are only a little better than
us—so that they offer us implicit encouragement instead of humiliation—we may be
attracted to those who are actually a little different from us (for now) (Cemalcilar
et al., 2018). Let’s not overstate this subtlety. The most appealing partners of all are
those who are similar to us in most dimensions but who fit our attainable ideals in
others (Liu et al., 2018). Such people are hardly our “opposites.” But as long as the
differences are not too great, we may prefer a partner who is someone we’d like to
become to one who more closely resembles who we really are now.
Dissimilarity May Decrease over Time
Moreover, relationships can change people (Denzinger et al., 2018). Their per-
sonalities don’t change much (Rammstedt et al., 2013), but as time goes by, the
members of a couple often come to share more similar attitudes (Gonzaga et al.,
2010). Some of this decrease in dissimilarity probably occurs automatically as a cou-
ple shares compelling experiences, but some of it also occurs as the partners con-
sciously seek compatibility and contentment (Luo, 2017). Thus, opposites don’t
attract, but some opposites may gradually fade if a couple stays together for some
other reason.
Some Types of Similarity Are More Important than Others
A further nuance is that some similarities may be quite influential, whereas other
similarities—or opposites—may be rather innocuous. In particular, it’s especially reward-
ing to have someone agree with us on issues that are very important to us (Bahns
et al., 2017). Religion is often one such issue; shared beliefs are quite satisfying to a
couple when they are highly religious, but they have little effect—and even disagreement
is immaterial—when neither of the partners actively observes a faith (Lutz-Zois et al.,
2006). Thus, opposites don’t attract, but they also may not matter if no one attaches
much importance to them.
Housework and gender roles appear to be among the similarities that do routinely
matter. Cohabiting couples who disagree with each other about the division of household
labor are more likely to break up than are those who share similar views (Hohmann-
Marriott, 2006), and spouses who share such work are more satisfied than those who
divide it unequally (Amato et al., 2007). And husbands and wives who are more similar
in their gender roles—not less, as a traditional outlook would lead us to expect—are more
happily married than those who differ from one another in their styles and skills (Gaunt,
2006). In particular, compared to spouses who are more alike, macho husbands and
feminine wives (who clearly have different gender roles) feel less understood, share less
companionship, and experience less love and contentment in their marriages as time goes
by (Helms et al., 2006).
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chapter 3: Attraction 113
Matching Is a Broad Process
Another source of confusion arises when people pair off with others who are
obviously very different but who nevertheless have a similar mate value—as may be the
case when an old rich guy marries a lovely young woman. In such cases, the partners
are clearly dissimilar, and “opposites” may seem to attract. That’s a rather unsophisti-
cated view, however, because such partners are really just matching in a broader sense,
trading looks for money and vice versa. They may have different assets, but such
partners are still seeking good matches with others who have similar standing overall
in the interpersonal marketplace. People usually end up with others of similar mate
value, but the specific rewards they offer each other may be quite different.
This sort of thing goes on all the time. A study of 6,485 users of an online dating
service found that very homely—okay, ugly—men (those in the bottom 10 percent of
attractiveness among men) needed $186,000 more in annual income in order to attract
as much attention from women as fine-looking fellows (i.e., those in the top 10 percent);
nevertheless, if they did make that much more money, ugly guys received just as many
inquiries as handsome men did (Hitsch et al., 2010). Indeed, we tend to assume, don’t
we, that when a lovely woman is paired with a homely fellow, he must be pretty well
off or fairly famous (Hoplock et al., 2019).
It’s not very romantic, but fame, wealth, health, talent, and looks all appear to be
commodities that people use to attract more desirable partners than they might other-
wise entice. If we think of matching as a broad process that involves both physical
attractiveness and various other assets and traits, it’s evident that people usually pair
off with others of similar status, and like attracts like.
In fact, trade-offs like these are central ideas in evolutionary psychology. Because
men are more likely to reproduce successfully when they mate with healthy, fertile
women, sexual selection has presumably promoted men’s interest in youthful and beau-
tiful partners (Buss, 2019). Youth is important because women are no longer fertile
after they reach menopause in middle age. Beauty is meaningful because, as we’ve
already seen, it is roughly correlated with some aspects of good health (Van Dongen &
Gangestad, 2011). Thus, men especially value good looks in women (see Figure 3.5),
and, as they age, they seek partners who are increasingly younger than they are
(Conroy-Beam & Buss, 2019). They pay more for prostitutes in their teens and early 20s
than for women in their 30s (Dunn, 2018), and if they purchase a bride (as may hap-
pen in South Korea), they never buy one older than 25 even when they’re in their 40s
or 50s (Sohn, 2017). On dating sites, younger women get many more messages from
men than older women do (see Figure 3.8), and around the world, men who marry in
their twenties pair off with women who are 2 years younger than they are, on average,
but men who marry in their fifties seek wives who are 15 years younger than they
(Dunn et al., 2010).
Women don’t need to be as concerned about their partners’ youth because men
normally retain their capacity for reproduction as long as they live. Instead, given
their vastly greater parental investment in their offspring,9 women should seek mates
with resources who can provide for the well-being of mother and child during the long
9If a reminder regarding parental investment will be welcome, look back at page 38.
miL04267_ch03_087-132.indd 113 12/01/21 4:30 PM
114 chapter 3: Attraction
period of pregnancy and nursing. In fact, as Figure 3.9 illustrates, around the world,
women do care more about their partners’ financial prospects than men do (Walter
et al., 2020), and men who flash their cash attract more sexual partners than stingy
men do (Sundie et al., 2011). When he asks a woman who is walking by, for instance,
a guy climbing out of a luxury car (an Audi A5) is more likely to get her phone
number than he would be if he had a cheap car (a Renault Mégane) (Guéguen &
Lamy, 2012). Furthermore, women’s preferences for the age of their mates do not
change much as they age (Conroy-Beam & Buss, 2019); women don’t start seeking
younger men as mates until they (the women) are around 75 years old (Alterovitz &
Mendelsohn, 2011).
Thus, matching based on the exchange of feminine youth and beauty for masculine
status and resources is commonplace (Zhang et al., 2019). Sure enough, when they
advertise for partners on Craig’s List, women get the most interest from men when
they say they’re “lovely, slim, and very attractive,” but men get the most interest from
women when they describe themselves as “financially independent and successful”
(Strassberg & English, 2015). In addition, a high salary improves a woman’s impression
of an ugly man to a much greater extent than it affects a man’s (lack of) interest in
an ugly woman (Wang et al., 2018).10 Still, is all this the result of evolutionary pres-
sures? Advocates of a cultural perspective argue that women pursue desirable resources
through their partners because they are so often denied direct access to political and
FIGURE 3.8. Age and desirability online.
The figure compares the number of messages received, on average, by men and women who
were seeking partners of the other sex on a “popular, free online dating service” in New York,
Boston, Chicago, and Seattle. Users with higher rankings were more popular than those with
lower ranks. Men reached their peak desirability to women at age 50, but women were most
sought-after by men when they were 18 years old—and their comparative desirability declined
sharply thereafter.
D
es
ira
bi
lit
y
R
an
k
20 25 30 35 40 45 50 55 60 65
Age
3
4
5
6
7
Women
Men
10Here’s joke that acknowledges this pattern: “If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they’d eventually find me attractive” (Anand, 2017).
Source: Data from Bruch, E. E., & Newman, M. E. J. (2018). “Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating
markets,” Science Advances, 4(8), eaap 9815.
miL04267_ch03_087-132.indd 114 12/01/21 4:30 PM
chapter 3: Attraction 115
economic power of their own (Wood & Eagly, 2007). Indeed, in the United States—a
culture in which smart women have access to career opportunities—the more intelligent
a woman is, the lower her desire is for wealth and status in a romantic partner (Stanik
& Ellsworth, 2010). Nevertheless, around the world, even in countries that support and
promote female equality, women care a lot more about a mate’s financial prospects,
on average, than men do (Zhang et al., 2019).
So, the origins of the feminine-beauty-for-masculine-money trade-off remain uncer-
tain. But in any case, the bottom line here is that matching is a broad process that
involves multiple resources and traits. When “opposites” seem to attract, people may
be trading one asset for another in order to obtain partners of similar social status,
and it’s their similar mate values, not any desired differences, that make them attractive
to each other.
One Way “Opposites” May Attract Now and Then: Complementarity
Finally, there are times when different types of behavior can fit together well. In keep-
ing with the principle of instrumentality (back on page 88), we like responses from
others that help us reach our goals (Fitzsimons et al., 2015). When two partners have
different skills, each is usually happy to allow the other to take the lead on those tasks
at which the other is more talented (Beach et al., 2001). Such behavior is said to
complement our own, and complementarity—reactions that provide a good fit to our
own—can be attractive. Most complementary behaviors are actually similar actions;
people who are warm and agreeable, for instance, are happiest when they are met with
warmth and good humor in return.
However, some profitable forms of complementarity involve different behaviors from
two partners. Consider a couple’s sexual interactions; if one of them enjoys receiving oral
sex, their satisfaction is likely to be higher when the other enjoys giving it (de Jong &
Reis, 2014). Divisions of labor that suit our talents in pursuit of shared goals are often
advantageous: If I’m a dreamer who comes up with great ideas and you’re a details person
who’s a careful planner, we can enjoy some terrific vacations if we like to go to the same
places (Bohns et al., 2013). And when we really want something, it’s nice when our
FIGURE 3.9. Desire for good financial prospects in a romantic partner.
Around the world, women care more about a partner’s financial prospects than men do.
.5
0
1.0
1.5
2.0
2.5
3.0Indispensable Men
Unimportant
Japan Zambia Yugoslavia Australia USA
Women
Source: Data from Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (1993). “Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on
human mating,” Psychological Review, 100, 204–232.
miL04267_ch03_087-132.indd 115 12/01/21 4:30 PM
116 chapter 3: Attraction
partners let us have our way. When we feel very sure of ourselves, we want our partners
to heed our advice; on other occasions, when we need help and advice, we want our
partners to give it (Markey et al., 2010).
Do these examples of rewarding complementarity sound like “opposites attract”
to you? I hope not. In general, patterns of behavior in others that are genuinely oppo-
site to our own—such as cool aloofness instead of our warmth, or submissive passivity
instead of our assertion and self-confidence—are annoying and frustrating (Hopwood
et al., 2011). Dominant people like to get their way, but they like other assertive folks
more than they like those who are chronically servile (Markey & Markey, 2007)—and
in any case, there’s not a lot of one spouse bossing the other around in happy mar-
riages (Cundiff et al., 2015). And trust me, if you’re an impulsive person who tends to
act without thinking, you do not want to pair off with a partner who is cautious and
planful (why? to keep you out of trouble?); you’ll be happier if you partner with some-
one who is just as impetuous and reckless as you are (Derrick et al., 2016).
The bottom line appears to be that we like partners who entertain and support us
but we don’t like partners who frustrate or impede us, and a partnership is fulfilling
when we desire the same goals and are able to work together to successfully achieve
them. So, the blend of similarities and differences that form an optimal mix may vary
from couple to couple (Baxter & West, 2003). Personal growth and novel activities are
also rewarding, so we like people with interests that are different from (but not incom-
patible with) our own when they introduce us to things we’ll both like (Aron et al.,
2006). The important thing to remember is that similar partners are more likely than
others to share our goals (Gray & Coons, 2017), so they supply us what we want more
often than anyone else can.
Add it all up, and opposites may sometimes seem to attract, but birds of a feather
are more likely to flock together. Similarity is usually rewarding; opposition is not.
SO, WHAT DO MEN AND WOMEN WANT?
We are nearly at the end of our survey of major influences on attraction, but one
important point remains. As we’ve seen, men and women differ in the value they place
on a partner’s physical attractiveness and income (Walter et al., 2020). I don’t want
those results to leave you with the wrong impression, however, because despite those
differences, men and women generally seek the same qualities in their relational part-
ners (Thomas et al., 2020). Let’s look more closely at what men and women want.
Around the world, there are three themes in the criteria with which people evalu-
ate potential mates (Lam et al., 2016). If we had our way, almost all of us would have
partners who offered
• warmth and loyalty, being trustworthy, kind, supportive, and understanding;
• attractiveness and vitality, being good-looking, sexy, and outgoing; and
• status and resources, being financially secure and living well.
All of these characteristics are desirable, but they’re not of equal importance, and their
prominence depends on whether we’re seeking a relatively casual, short-term fling or
a more committed long-term romance.
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chapter 3: Attraction 117
Men and women have the same (relatively low) standards when they’re pursuing
short-term flings (Eastwick et al., 2014). They both want a casual lover to be good-
looking (Perilloux & Cloud, 2019), and both sexes are less picky when they’re evaluating
partners for short-term liaisons than for lasting unions (Fletcher et al., 2004). For
instance, both sexes will accept lower intelligence, warmth, and earning potential in a
lover with whom they have a casual fling than they would require in a spouse (Buunk
et al., 2002). In particular, when they are contemplating short-term affairs, women will
accept men who aren’t especially kind, dependable, or understanding as long as their
lovers are muscular, sexy, and “hot” (Frederick & Haselton, 2007).
But women clearly recognize that attractive, dominant, masculine men who might
make compelling lovers often make unreliable long-term mates (Boothroyd et al., 2007).
When they are picking husbands, women consider a man’s good character to be more
important than his good looks. They attach more importance to the criteria of warmth
and loyalty and status and resources than to the criterion of attractiveness and vitality
when they are thinking long term (Thomas et al., 2020). When she finds she can’t
have it all, the average woman prefers a man who is kind, understanding, and well to
do—but not particularly handsome—to a good-looking but poor one, or a rich and good-
looking but cold and disloyal one (Li, 2008).
Men have different priorities. Like women, they value warmth and loyalty, but
unlike women, they attach more importance to attractiveness and vitality in a long-term
partner than to status and resources (Thomas et al., 2020). The average guy prefers a
kind, beautiful woman without any money to wealthy women who are gorgeous grouches
or women who are sweet but ugly (Li, 2008).
Of course, we typically have to accept some trade-offs like these when we’re seek-
ing intimate partners. Fulfilling all of our diverse desires by finding (and winning!) the
perfect mate is hard to do. If we insist that our partners be kind and understanding
and gorgeous and rich, we’re likely to stay frustrated for a long time. So, when they’re
evaluating potential mates, men typically check first to make sure that a woman has
at least average looks, and then they seek as much warmth, kindness, honesty, open-
ness, stability, humor, and intelligence as they can get (Li et al., 2002). Great beauty
is desirable to men, but it’s not as important as high levels of warmth and loyalty are
(with status and resources coming in a distant third). Women usually check first to
make sure that a man has at least some money or prospects, and then they, too, seek
as much warmth, kindness, honesty, openness, stability, humor, and intelligence as they
can get (Li et al., 2002). Wealth is desirable to women, but it’s not as important as
high levels of warmth and loyalty, and looks are in third place.
Gays and lesbians behave similarly, wanting the same things that heterosexual men
and women do (Lawson et al., 2014). And although most of the research results
described in this chapter were obtained in the United States, people all over the world
concur; a global sample of 218,000 Internet users ranked intelligence, humor, kindness,
and dependability as the top four traits they sought in a relationship partner (Lippa,
2007), and studies in Brazil ( Castro & de Araújo Lopes, 2010), Russia (Pearce et al.,
2010), Singapore (Li et al., 2011), China (Chen et al., 2015), and Iran, Pakistan, and
Turkey (Atari et al., 2020) have all yielded similar results.
Men and women generally agree on the things they don’t want in a mate, too.
When they are asked to identify dealbreakers, the characteristics that would lead them
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118 chapter 3: Attraction
to reject someone as a partner, both sexes put objectionable traits (such as being
untrustworthy, unfeeling, or abusive), ill-health (STDs or alcoholism), and poor hygiene
(“smells bad”) at the top of their lists (Jonason et al., 2015). Women are a bit more
cautious and choosy (Fletcher et al., 2014), having more dealbreakers than men, and
as you would expect (given our discussion back on page 105), people with higher mate
value have more dealbreakers, too (Jonason et al., 2015).
There is, of course, some idiosyncrasy in particular preferences from person to
person11—but individual preferences tend to be rather stable (Gerlach et al., 2019), so
that, if you change romantic partners, your past and present lovers may be noticeably
similar, resembling each other in attractiveness, IQ (Eastwick et al., 2017), and person-
ality (Park & MacDonald, 2019). And if your standards are changing, there may be
several reasons why (Bredow & Hames, 2019). Your mate value may have risen; did
There’s some idiosyncrasy in what we want in our partners, but in general, men and women
around the world share preferences for warmth, kindness, humor, and dependability in their mates.
11There are some different emphases in different cultures, too. People in Western cultures value a partner’s
sense of humor more than do those in Eastern cultures, and a partner’s financial prospects are judged to
be even more important in the East than in the West. But as noted above, the take home message is that
mate preferences are generally quite similar from one culture to the next (Thomas et al., 2020).
www.CartoonCollections.com
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chapter 3: Attraction 119
you just get a big promotion and pay raise? Or, if you’ve been struggling to find a
partner, you may be gradually lowering your standards (Jonason et al., 2020). If you’re
already in a relationship, you’re probably adjusting your preferences some so that they
fit your current partner (Kučerová et al., 2018); “when it comes to matters of the heart,
we tend to love what we currently have” (Gunaydin et al., 2018, p. 598). Or perhaps
you’re simply getting older; if they’re seeking a partner, people are less picky when
they’re 40 than when they’re 25 (Sprecher et al., 2019).
Still, add all this up, and attraction isn’t so mysterious after all. Men attend to looks
and women take note of resources, but everybody seems to want partners who are ami-
able, agreeable, loving, and kind. Men and women do not differ in this regard and their
preference for warmth and kindness in a mate grows stronger as they get older (and
wiser?) (Brumbaugh & Wood, 2013). As long as she’s moderately pretty and he has some
money, both sexes want as much warmth and loyalty as they can get. To the extent there
is any surprise here, it’s in the news that women don’t simply want strong, dominant
men; they want their fellows to be warm and kind and capable of commitment, too
(Thomae & Houston, 2016). If you’re an unemotional, stoic, macho male, take note:
Women will be more impressed if you develop some affectionate warmth to go with your
strength and power.
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Rasheed introduced himself to Rebecca because she was really hot, and he was mildly
disappointed when she turned out to be a little suspicious, self-centered, and vain. On
the other hand, she was really hot, so he asked her out anyway. Because she was
impressed with his designer clothes and bold style, Rebecca was intrigued by Rasheed,
but after a few minutes she thought him a little pushy and arrogant. Still, he had tick-
ets to an expensive concert, so she accepted his invitation to go out on a date.
Having read this chapter, what do you think the date—and the future—hold for
Rebecca and Rasheed? Why?
KEY TERMS
rewards ……………………………………. p. 87
instrumentality …………………………. p. 88
proximity …………………………………. p. 88
mere exposure …………………………. p. 90
waist-to-hip ratio ………………………. p. 97
matching ………………………………… p. 104
mate value ……………………………… p. 105
stimulus-value-role theory ……….. p. 110
fatal attractions………………………. p. 111
complementarity …………………….. p. 115
CHAPTER SUMMARY
The Fundamental Basis of Attraction
We are attracted to people whose presence is rewarding because they offer us
instrumentality, assistance in achieving our goals.
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120 chapter 3: Attraction
Proximity: Liking Those Near Us
We select our friends, and our enemies, from those around us.
Familiarity: Repeated Contact. In general, familiarity breeds attraction. Even brief,
mere exposure to others usually increases our liking for them.
Convenience: Proximity Is Rewarding, Distance Is Costly. Relationships with dis-
tant partners are ordinarily less satisfying than they would be if the partners were nearby.
The Power of Proximity. Close proximity makes it more likely that two people will
meet and interact, for better or for worse.
Physical Attractiveness: Liking Those Who Are Lovely
Our Bias for Beauty: “What Is Beautiful Is Good.” We assume that attractive
people have other desirable personal characteristics.
Who’s Pretty? Symmetrical faces with features of average dimensions are espe-
cially beautiful. Waist-to-hip ratios of 0.7 are very appealing in women, whereas a WHR
of 0.9 is attractive in a man if he has money.
An Evolutionary Perspective on Physical Attractiveness. Cross-cultural agreement
about beauty, cyclical variations in women’s desires, and the link between attractiveness
and good health are all consistent with the assumptions of evolutionary psychology.
Culture Counts, Too. Standards of beauty also fluctuate with changing economic
and cultural conditions.
Looks Matter. When people first meet, nothing else affects attraction as much
as their looks do.
The Interactive Costs and Benefits of Beauty. Physical attractiveness has a larger
influence on men’s social lives than on women’s. Attractive people doubt the praise
they receive from others, but they’re still happier than unattractive people are.
Matching in Physical Attractiveness. People tend to pair off with others of similar
levels of beauty.
Reciprocity: Liking Those Who Like Us
People are reluctant to risk rejection. Most people calculate others’ overall desir-
ability by multiplying their physical attractiveness by their probability of reciprocal
liking. People who are desirable partners—that is, those with high mate value—insist
that their partners be desirable, too.
Similarity: Liking Those Who Are Like Us
Birds of a feather flock together. People like those who share their attitudes.
What Kind of Similarity? Happy relationship partners resemble each other in
demographic origin, attitudes, and, to a lesser degree, in personalities.
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chapter 3: Attraction 121
Do Opposites Attract? Opposites do not attract, but they may seem to for several
reasons. First, we are attracted to those who we think are like us, and we can be wrong.
Then, it takes time for perceived similarity to be replaced by more accurate understand-
ing of the attributes we share with others. People may be attracted to those who are
mildly different from themselves but similar to their ideal selves. People also tend to
become more similar over time, and some types of similarity are more important than
others. Matching is also a broad process; fame, wealth, talent, and looks can all be
used to attract others. Finally, we may appreciate behavior from a partner that differs
from our own but that complements our actions and helps us to reach our goals.
So, What Do Men and Women Want?
People evaluate potential partners with regard to (a) warmth and loyalty, (b) attrac-
tiveness and vitality, and (c) status and resources. For lasting romances, women want
men who are warm and kind and who are not poor, and men want women who are
warm and kind and who are not unattractive. Thus, everybody wants intimate partners
who are amiable, agreeable, and loving.
SUGGESTIONS FOR SATISFACTION
• Proximity is attractive; don’t expect absence to make the heart grow fonder.
• Don’t be fooled: A dating site that promises to find a perfect partner for you
probably won’t.
• Don’t judge a book by its cover; beauty isn’t talent.
• Seek friends and lovers with whom you agree on all of the things that are impor-
tant to you.
• Join the crowd: Put a potential partner’s warmth and kindness at the top of your
list of priorities.
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C H A P T E R 4
Social Cognition
First Impressions (and Beyond) ♦ The Power of Perceptions ♦ Impression
Management ♦ So, Just How Well Do We Know Our Partners? ♦ For Your
Consideration ♦ Key terms ♦ chapter summary ♦ suggestions for
satisfaction ♦ references
Imagine that you’re home in bed, sick with a flu, and your lover doesn’t call you dur-
ing the day to see how you’re doing. You’re disappointed. Why didn’t your partner call?
Is he or she thoughtless and inconsiderate? Is this just another frustrating example of
his or her self-centered lack of compassion? Or is it more likely that your loving, caring
partner didn’t want to risk waking you from a nap? There are several possible explana-
tions, and you can choose a forgiving rationale, a blaming one, or something in between.
And importantly, the choice may really be up to you; the facts of the case may allow
several different interpretations. But whatever you decide, your judgments are likely to
be consequential. At the end of the day, your perceptions will have either sustained or
undermined the happiness of your relationship.
We’ll focus on judgments like these in this chapter on social cognition, a term that
refers to all the processes of perception, interpretation, belief, and memory with which
we evaluate and understand ourselves and other people (Fiske & Taylor, 2017). So, in
short, this chapter will be concerned with the ways we think about our relationships.
We’ll explore how our judgments of our partners and their behavior set the stage for the
events that follow. We’ll consider our own efforts to influence and control what our
partners think of us. And we’ll ponder just how well two people are likely to know each
other, even in an intimate relationship. Throughout the chapter, we’ll find that our per-
ceptions and interpretations of our partnerships are of enormous importance: What we
think helps to determine what we feel, and then how we act. This wouldn’t be a problem
if our judgments were always accurate. However, there are usually a variety of reasonable
ways to interpret an event (as my opening example suggests), and we can make mistakes
even when we’re confident that we have arrived at the truth. Indeed, some of those
mistakes may begin the moment we meet someone, as studies of first impressions reveal.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS (AND BEYOND)
First impressions matter. The judgments we form of others after a brief first meeting
often have enormous staying power, with our initial perceptions continuing to be influ-
ential months later (Brown & Bernieri, 2017). This fact may be obvious if we dislike
133
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134 chapter 4: Social Cognition
someone so much after an initial interaction that we avoid any further contact with him
or her (Denrell, 2005); in such cases, our first impressions are the only impressions we
ever get. However, first impressions continue to be influential even when we do see more
of a new acquaintance. When researchers formally arranged get-acquainted conversations
between new classmates, the initial impressions the students formed continued to influ-
ence their feelings about each other 10 weeks later (Human et al., 2013).
Conceivably, some first impressions last because they are discerning and correct.
Sometimes it doesn’t take us long to accurately decide who’s nice and who’s not, and
if we’re right, there’s no need to revise our initial perceptions. On the other hand, first
impressions can be remarkably persistent even when they’re erroneous (Harris &
Garris, 2008). Right or wrong, first impressions linger, and that’s why they matter so
much. Let’s consider how they operate.
We start judging people from the moment we meet them. And by “moment,”
I mean the first one-thirtieth of a second. That’s all it takes—only 33 milliseconds1—for
us to form judgments of a stranger’s attractiveness, trustworthiness, and status that are
very similar to those we’ll hold after a minute’s careful inspection of the person’s face
(Palomares & Young, 2018). “Before we can finish blinking our eyes, we’ve already
decided whether we want to hire, date, hate, or make friends with a person we’re
encountering for the first time” (Rule, 2014, p. 18). Then, after watching the stranger
chat with someone of the other sex for only 5 seconds, we’ve decided how extraverted,
conscientious, and intelligent he or she is (Carney et al., 2007). We jump to conclu-
sions very, very quickly.
Our snap judgments are influenced by the fact that everyone we meet fits some
category of people about whom we already hold stereotyped first impressions. This
may sound like a daring assertion, but it isn’t, really. Think about it: Everyone is either
male or female, and (as we saw in chapter 1), we expect different behavior from men
and women. (And if we can’t decide what sex you are, we probably won’t like you very
much [Stern & Rule, 2018].) Furthermore, at a glance, we can tell whether someone
is beautiful or plain, and (as we saw in chapter 3), we assume that pretty people are
likable people. Dozens of other distinctions may come into play: young/old, Black/
white, pierced/unpierced, rural/urban, and many more. The specifics of these stereo-
types may vary from one perceiver to the next, but they operate similarly in anyone:
Stereotypes supply us with preconceptions about what people are like. The judgments
that result are often quite incorrect (Olivola & Todorov, 2010), but they’re hard to
avoid: Stereotypes influence us automatically, even when we are unaware of using them
(Nestler & Back, 2013). So, some initial feelings about others may spring up unbidden
even when we want to be impartial and open minded.
Then, if we take a close look at others before we say hello, there may be a surpris-
ing amount of specific information about them that is available from afar. Examine
their shoes: Students at the University of Kansas gained some insight into others’ age,
gender, income, and even anxiety about abandonment from nothing more than a pic-
ture of their shoes (Gillath et al., 2012). Study their faces: We tend to assume that
men with high facial width-to-height ratios—whose faces are wide and short—are more
1A millisecond is a thousandth of a second. So, after 33 milliseconds have passed, there’s still 96.7 percent
of a second yet to come before one full second has passed.
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chapter 4: Social Cognition 135
likely to be prejudiced than those whose faces are narrower and taller. And we’re right.
They are (Hehman et al., 2013). With a quick glance at a politician’s face, we’re also
fairly good at judging whether he is conservative or liberal (Wänke et al., 2012) and
how corruptible he is (Lin et al., 2018)!
If we do interact with someone, we continue jumping to conclusions. Please take
a moment—seriously, take your time and read the next line slowly—and consider some-
one who is
envious, stubborn, critical, impulsive, industrious, and intelligent.
Would you want this person as a co-worker? Probably not much. Now, please take
another moment to size up someone else who is
intelligent, industrious, impulsive, critical, stubborn, and envious.
More impressive, yes? This person isn’t perfect, but he or she seems competent and
ambitious. The point, of course, is that the two descriptions offer the same information
in a different order, and that’s enough to engender two different impressions (Fourakis
What is your first impression of these two people? The man on the left has a lower facial
width-to-height ratio (fWHR), so his face is narrower and taller than the face of the man on
the right. The white rectangles indicate the measurements that are used to calculate fWHR,
across the face at the top of the jaw and vertically from the top of the upper lip to the middle
of the eyebrows. To a modest degree, men with higher fWHRs are more likely than other men
to report prejudicial attitudes (possibly because they’re more likely to tell the truth, no matter
what anyone thinks). Indeed, we judge men with narrower faces to have more integrity and to
be more trustworthy (Ormiston et al., 2017). Women actually prefer men with larger fWHRs
as short-term mates—which makes sense because they have higher sex drives and are more
open to casual sex (Arnocky et al., 2018) but they’re not more desirable when women are
evaluating them as potential future husbands (Valentine et al., 2014).
Dr. Eric Hehman
miL04267_ch04_133-178.indd 135 12/01/21 5:52 PM
& Cone, 2020). Our judgments of others are influenced by a primacy effect, a tendency
for the first information we receive about others to carry special weight, along with
our instant impressions and our stereotypes, in shaping our overall impressions
of them.
Primacy effects provide one important indication of why first impressions matter
so much: Right or wrong, our quick first judgments of others influence our interpreta-
tions of the later information we encounter. Once a judgment forms, it affects how
we use the data that follow, and often in subtle ways that are difficult to detect. John
Darley and Paget Gross (1983) demonstrated this when they showed Princeton stu-
dents a video that established the social class of a young girl named “Hannah.” Two
different videos were prepared, and some people learned that Hannah was pretty poor,
whereas others found that she was rather rich; she either played in a deteriorating,
paved schoolyard and returned home to a dingy, small duplex or played on expansive,
grassy fields and went home to a large, lovely house. The good news is that when
Darley and Gross asked the participants to guess how well Hannah was doing in
school, they did not assume the rich kid was smarter than the poor kid; the two groups
both assumed she was getting average grades (see Figure 4.1). After that, however, the
researchers showed the participants a video of Hannah taking an aptitude test and
doing an inconsistent job, answering some difficult questions correctly but blowing
some easy ones. Everyone saw the same video, but—and here’s the bad news—they
interpreted it very differently depending on their impressions of her social class.
People who thought that Hannah was poor cited her mistakes and judged her as
performing below average, whereas those who thought she was rich noted her suc-
Pe
rc
ei
ve
d
A
bi
lit
y
(g
ra
de
le
ve
l)
Background
Information
Achievement
Test Information
5
4
3
Higher
Social Class
Lower
Social Class
FIGURE 4.1. Our preconceptions control our interpretations of information about others.
People equipped with different expectations about the social class of a fourth-grade girl drew
very different conclusions about her performance on an achievement test, although they all
witnessed the very same performance. Those who thought they were watching a rich kid
judged her to be performing at a level that was an entire grade better than did those who
thought they were watching a girl from a more modest background.
Source: Data from Darley, J. M., & Gross, P. H. (1983). “A hypothesis-confirming bias in labeling effects,” Journal
of Personality and Social Psychology, 44, 20–33.
136 chapter 4: Social Cognition
miL04267_ch04_133-178.indd 136 12/01/21 5:53 PM
cesses and rated her as considerably better than average. Perceivers equipped with
different preconceptions about Hannah’s social class interpreted the same sample of her
behavior in very different ways and came to very different conclusions. And note how
subtle this process was: They didn’t leap to biased assumptions about Hannah simply
by knowing her social class, making an obvious mistake that might easily be noticed.
Instead, their knowledge of her social class lingered in their minds and contaminated
their interpretations of her later actions. And they probably made their biased judg-
ments with confidence, feeling fair and impartial. Both groups could point to a portion
of her test performance—the part that fit their preconceptions—and feel perfectly jus-
tified in making the judgments they did, never realizing that people with other
first impressions were watching the same videotape and reaching contradictory
conclusions.
Thus, first impressions affect our interpretations of the subsequent information we
encounter about others. They also affect our choices of the new information we seek.
When we want to test a first impression about someone, we’re more likely to pursue
information that will confirm that belief than to inquire after data that could prove it
wrong. That is, people ordinarily display a confirmation bias: They seek information
that will prove them right more often than they look for examples that would prove
them wrong (Costabile & Madon, 2019). For instance, imagine that you’re instructed
to interview a fellow student to find out if he or she is a sociable extravert, and you’re
handed a list of possible questions to ask. Some of the questions are neutral (e.g.,
“What are the good and bad points of acting friendly and open?”) but others are
slanted toward eliciting introverted responses (“What do you dislike about loud par-
ties?”) while still others are likely to get extraverted answers (“What do you do when
you want to liven things up at a party?”). How would you conduct the interview? If
you’re like most people, you’d select questions that probe for evidence that your expec-
tation is correct.
That’s just what happened when researchers asked some people to find out if a
stranger was extraverted, but asked others to find out if the person was introverted
(Snyder & Swann, 1978b). The two groups of interviewers adopted two very different
lines of investigation, asking questions that made it likely that they’d get examples of
the behaviors they expected to find. In fact, the interviews were so biased that audi-
ences eavesdropping on them actually believed that the strangers really were rather
extraverted or introverted, depending on the interviewers’ preconceptions.
Indeed, the problem with confirmatory biases is that they elicit one-sided informa-
tion about others that fits our preconceptions—and as a result, we too rarely confront
evidence that shows that our first impressions are wrong. Thus, not only may we cling
to snap judgments that are incorrect, but we routinely also experience overconfidence,
thinking that we’re more accurate than we really are and making more mistakes than
we realize (Ames et al., 2010). Here’s an example. After you begin dating a new roman-
tic partner, you’re likely to become confident that you understand his or her sexual
history as time goes by. You’ll probably feel increasingly certain, for instance, that you
know whether or not he or she has a sexually transmitted infection. Unfortunately,
you’re not likely to be as well-informed as you think. Studies at the University of Texas
at Austin found that people could not estimate the risk that a new acquaintance was
HIV-positive as well as they thought they could (Swann et al., 1995). They were
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overconfident when a new relationship began, and as the relationship developed, they
only got worse (Swann & Gill, 1997). With greater familiarity, they became more cer-
tain that they understood their new partners well, but their accuracy did not change
(see Figure 4.2).
So, first impressions matter (Gunaydin et al., 2017). We rarely process information
about others in an unbiased, evenhanded manner. Instead, our existing notions, whether
they’re simple stereotypes or quick first impressions, affect how we access and what
we make of the new data we encounter. We are usually unaware of how readily we
overlook evidence that we could be wrong. We’re not tentative. Armed with only some
of the facts—those that tend to support our case—we put misplaced faith in our judg-
ments of others, being wrong more often than we realize. And this all adds up to our
early impressions of others being “more resistant to change than our intuitions would
have us believe” (Brown & Bernieri, 2017, p. 725).
Now, of course, we come to know our partners better with time and experience,
and first impressions can certainly change as people learn more about each other
(Satchell, 2019). However—and this is the fundamental point I wish to make—existing
beliefs are influential at every stage of a relationship, and when it comes to our friends
and lovers, we may see what we want to see and hold confident judgments that aren’t
always right (Leising et al., 2014).
For instance, who are the better judges of how long your current romantic rela-
tionship will last, you or your parents? Remarkably, when university students, their
roommates, and their parents were all asked to forecast the future of the students’
dating relationships, the parents made better predictions than the students did, and
the roommates did better still (MacDonald & Ross, 1999). You’d think that people
would be the best judges of their own relationships, but the students focused on the
100
Confidence
50
Length of Relationship
0
Actual Accuracy
A
ct
ua
l a
nd
E
xp
ec
te
d
A
cc
ur
ac
y
(%
c
or
re
ct
b
el
ie
fs
)
39%
62%
90%
FIGURE 4.2. Accuracy and (over) confidence in developing relationships.
At the beginning of their relationships, people felt that they knew more about the sexual histo-
ries of their new partners than they really did. Then, as time went by, they became quite certain
that they were familiar with all the facts, when in truth, their actual accuracy did not improve.
Source: Data from Swann, W. B., Jr., & Gill, M. J. (1997). “Confidence and accuracy in person perception: Do
we know what we think we know about our relationship partners?”, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
73, 747–757.
138 chapter 4: Social Cognition
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strengths of their partnerships and ignored the weaknesses, and as a result, they con-
fidently and optimistically predicted that the relationships would last longer than they
usually did. Parents and roommates were more dispassionate and evenhanded, and
although they were less confident in their predictions, they were more accurate in
predicting what the future would hold. In fact, the most accurate predictions of all
regarding the future of a heterosexual relationship often come from the friends of the
woman involved (Loving, 2006). If her friends approve of a partnership, it’s likely to
continue, but if they think the relationship is doomed, it probably is (Etcheverry &
Agnew, 2004).
Thus, the same overconfidence, confirmatory biases, and preconceptions that com-
plicate our perceptions of new acquaintances operate in established relationships as
well. Obviously, we’re not clueless about our relationships, and when we’re deliberate
and cautious, we make more accurate predictions about their futures than we do when
we’re in a romantic mood. But it’s hard to be dispassionate when we’re devoted to a
relationship and want it to continue; in such cases, we are particularly prone to con-
firmation biases that support our optimistic misperceptions of our partners (Gagné &
Lydon, 2004).
So, our perceptions of our relationships are often less detached and completely
correct than we think they are. And, for better or for worse, they have considerable
impact on our subsequent feelings and behavior, as we’ll see next.
When we meet others for the first time, stereotypes and primacy effects influence our inter-
pretations of the behavior we observe. Confirmation biases and overconfidence may follow.
MB Images/Shutterstock
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THE POWER OF PERCEPTIONS
Our judgments of our relationships and our partners seem to come to us naturally, as
if there were only one reasonable way to view them. Little do we realize that we’re
often choosing to adopt the perspectives we use, and we facilitate or inhibit our satisfac-
tion with our partners by the choices we make.
Idealizing Our Partners
What are you looking for in an ideal romantic relationship? As we saw in chapter 3,
most of us want a partner who is warm and trustworthy, loyal and passionate, and
attractive and rich, and our satisfaction depends on how well our lovers approach those
ideals (Tran et al., 2008). What we usually get, however, is something less. How, then,
do we ever stay happy with the real people we attract?
One way is to construct charitable, generous perceptions of our partners that
emphasize their virtues and minimize their faults. People often judge their lovers with
positive illusions that portray their partners in the best possible light (Fletcher et al.,
2013). Such “illusions” are a mix of realistic knowledge about our partners and ideal-
ized perceptions of them. They do not ignore a partner’s faults; they just consider them
to be circumscribed, specific drawbacks that are less important and influential than
their many assets and advantages are (Neff & Karney, 2003). They have all the facts,
but they interpret them differently than everyone else—so they judge their partners more
positively than other people do, and even more positively than the partners judge
themselves (Gignac & Zajenkowski, 2019).
We Don’t Always Know Why We Think What We Do
Consider this: When you show up for a psy-
chology study, the researcher asks you to
hold her cup of warm coffee for about 20 sec-
onds while she records your name on a clip-
board. Then, you’re asked to form an
impression of a stranger who is described in
a brief vignette. Would your warm hands lead
you to intuit that the stranger is a warm and
generous person? Would you have liked the
stranger less if you had been holding a cup of
iced coffee instead? Remarkably, the answer
to both of those questions is yes. Warm
hands lead research participants to think
warmer thoughts about a stranger than cool
hands do (Bargh & Melnikoff, 2019).
How about this? Would sitting at a
wobbly table on a wobbly chair increase
your desire for stability (such as trustworthi-
ness and reliability) in a mate? The answer
is yes, again (Kille et al., 2013), and there
are two aspects of these phenomena that are
intriguing. First, our impressions of others
can be shaped by a variety of inf luences,
and some of them have nothing to do with
the person who’s being judged. Second, the
people in these studies were completely un-
aware that current conditions such as the
temporary temperature of their hands were
swaying their judgments. We don’t always
know why we hold the opinions we do, and
on occasion, our impressions of others are
unwarranted. Both points are valuable les-
sons for a discerning student of social
cognition.
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Isn’t it a little dangerous to hold a lover in such high esteem? Won’t people inevi-
tably be disappointed when their partners fail to fulfill such positive perceptions? The
answers may depend on just how unrealistic our positive illusions are (Neff & Karney,
2005). If we’re genuinely fooling ourselves, imagining desirable qualities in a partner
that he or she does not possess, we may be dooming ourselves to disillusionment (Niehuis
et al., 2011). On the other hand, if we’re aware of all the facts but are merely interpret-
ing them in a kind, benevolent fashion, such “illusions” can be very beneficial (Fletcher,
2015). When we idealize our partners, we’re predisposed to judge their behavior in
positive ways, and we are more willing to commit ourselves to maintaining the relation-
ship (Park & Young, 2020). And we can slowly convince our partners that they actually
are the wonderful people we believe them to be because our high regard improves their
self-esteem (Murray et al., 1996). Add it all up, and idealized images of romantic part-
ners are associated with greater satisfaction as time goes by (Murray et al., 2011).
In addition, as I mentioned in chapter 3, there’s a clever way in which we protect
ourselves from disillusionment: Over time, as we come to know our partners well, we
tend to revise our opinions of what we want in an ideal partner so that our standards
fit the partners we’ve got (Kučerová et al., 2018). To a degree, we conveniently decide
that the qualities our partners have are the ones we want.
Thus, by choosing to look on the bright side—perceiving our partners as the best they can
be—and by editing our ideals and hopes so that they fit the realities we face, we can increase
the chances that we’ll be happy with our present partners. Indeed, our partners generally know
that we’re idolizing them, and they usually want us to, within reason (Boyes & Fletcher, 2007)—
and if we receive such positive, charitable perceptions in return, everybody wins.
Attributional Processes
Our delight or distress is also affected by the manner in which we choose to explain our
partners’ behavior. The explanations we generate for why things happen—and in particu-
lar why a person did or did not do something—are called attributions. An attribution
identifies the causes of an event, emphasizing the impact of some influences and mini-
mizing the role of others. Studies of such judgments are important because there are
usually several possible explanations for most events in our lives, and they can differ in
meaningful ways (Weiner, 2018). We can emphasize influences that are either internal
to someone, such as the person’s personality, ability, or effort, or external, implicating
the situation or circumstances the person faced. For instance (as you’ve probably
noticed), students who do well on exams typically attribute their success to internal
causes (such as their preparation and talent), whereas those who do poorly blame exter-
nal factors (such as a tricky test) (Forsyth & Schlenker, 1977). The causes of events may
also be rather stable and lasting, as our abilities are, or unstable and transient, such as
moods that come and go. Finally, causes can be said to be controllable, so that we can
manage them, or uncontrollable, so that there’s nothing we can do about them. With all
of these distinctions in play, diverse explanations for a given event may be plausible. And
in a close relationship in which interdependent partners may both be partly responsible
for much of what occurs, judgments of cause and effect can be especially complicated.
Nevertheless, three broad patterns routinely emerge from studies of attributions in
relationships. First, despite their intimate knowledge of each other, partners are affected
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by robust actor/observer effects: They generate different explanations for their own behav-
ior than they do for the similar things they see their partners do (Malle, 2006). People
are often acutely aware of the external pressures that have shaped their own behavior, but
they overlook how the same circumstances affect others; as a result, they acknowledge
external pressures when they explain their own actions, but they make internal attributions
(for instance, to others’ personalities) when other people behave exactly the same way.
What makes this phenomenon provocative in close relationships is that it leads the partners
to overlook how they often personally provoke the behavior they observe in each other.
During an argument, if one partner thinks, “she infuriates me so when she does that,” the
other is likely to be thinking, “he’s so temperamental. He needs to learn to control himself.”
This bias is so pervasive that two people in almost any interaction are reasonably likely to
agree about what each of them did but to disagree about why each of them did it (Robins
et al., 2004). And to complicate things further, the two partners are unlikely to be aware
of the discrepancies in their attributions; each is likely to believe that the other sees things
his or her way. When partners make a conscious effort to try to understand the other’s
point of view, the actor/observer discrepancy gets smaller (Arriaga & Rusbult, 1998), but
it rarely vanishes completely (Malle, 2006). The safest strategy is to assume that even your
closest partners seldom comprehend all your reasons for doing what you do.
Second, despite genuine affection for each other, partners are also likely to display
self-serving biases in which they readily take credit for their successes but try to avoid
the blame for their failures. People like to feel responsible for the good things that
happen to them, but they prefer external excuses when things go wrong (Allen et al.,
2020). Thus, although they won’t tell their partners (Miller & Schlenker, 1985), they
usually think that they personally deserve much of the credit when their relationships
are going well, but they’re not much to blame if a partnership is doing poorly
(Thompson & Kelley, 1981). One quality that makes this phenomenon interesting is
that most of us readily recognize overreaching ownership of success and flimsy excuses
for failure when they come from other people, but we think that our own similar, self-
serving perceptions are sensible and accurate (Ross, 2018). This occurs in part because
we are aware of—and we give ourselves credit for—our own good intentions, even when
we fail to follow through on them, but we judge other people only by what they do,
not what they may have intended to do (Kruger & Gilovich, 2004).
This is a provocative pattern, so let’s consider how it works. Imagine that Fred
goes to sleep thinking, “I bet Wilma would like breakfast in bed in the morning.” He
intends to do something special for her, and he proudly gives himself credit for being
a thoughtful partner. But when he oversleeps and has to dash off to work without
actually having done anything generous, he’s likely to continue feeling good about
himself: After all, he had kind intentions. In contrast, Wilma can only judge Fred by
his actions; she’s not a party to what he was thinking, and she has no evidence in this
instance that he was thoughtful at all. Their different sources of information may lead
Fred to consider himself a better, more considerate partner than Wilma (or anyone
else) perceives him to be (Lemay, 2014). (Remember those thank-you notes you were
intending to write but never did? You probably give yourself some credit for wanting
to get around to them, but all your disappointed grandmother knows is that you never
thanked her, and you’re behaving like an impolite ingrate!)
Subtle processes like these make self-serving explanations of events routine in
social life. It’s true that loving partners are less self-serving toward each other than
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they are with other people (Sedikides et al., 1998). Nev-
ertheless, self-serving biases exist even in contented
relationships. In particular, when they fight with each
other, spouses tend to believe that the argument is
mostly their partner’s fault (Schütz, 1999). And if they
have extramarital affairs, people usually consider their
own affairs to be innocuous dalliances, but they con-
sider their spouse’s affairs to be grievous betrayals
(Warach et al., 2019).
Thus, partners’ idiosyncratic perspectives allow them to feel that they have better
excuses for their mistakes than their friends and lovers do. They also tend to believe
that their partners are the source of most disagreements and conflict. Most of us feel
that we’re pretty easy to live with, but they’re hard to put up with sometimes. Such
perceptions are undoubtedly influential, and, indeed, a third important pattern is that
the general pattern of a couple’s attributions helps determine how satisfied they will
be with their relationship (Osterhout et al., 2011). Happy people make attributions for
their partners’ behavior that are relationship enhancing. Positive actions by the partner
are judged to be intentional, habitual, and indicative of the partner’s fine character;
that is, happy couples make controllable, stable, and internal attributions for each
other’s positive behavior. They also tend to discount one another’s transgressions, see-
ing them as accidental, unusual, and circumstantial; thus, negative behavior is excused
with attributions to external, unstable, and uncontrollable causes (Walsh & Neff, 2020).
Through such attributions, satisfied partners magnify their partner’s kindnesses
and minimize their missteps, and, as long as a partner’s misbehavior really is just an
occasional oversight, these benevolent explanations keep the partners happy (McNulty,
2011). But dissatisfied partners do just the opposite, exaggerating the bad and minimiz-
ing the good (Fincham, 2001). Unhappy people make distress-maintaining attributions
that regard a partner’s negative actions as deliberate and routine and positive behavior
as unintended and accidental. (See Figure 4.3.) Thus, whereas satisfied partners judge
each other in generous ways that are likely to keep them happy, distressed couples
perceive each other in an unforgiving fashion that can keep them dissatisfied no mat-
ter how each behaves (Durtschi et al., 2011). When distressed partners are nice to one
another, each is likely to write off the other’s thoughtfulness as a temporary, unchar-
acteristic lull in the negative routine. When kindnesses seem accidental and hurts seem
deliberate, satisfaction is hard to come by (Hook et al., 2015).
Where does such a self-defeating pattern come from? Attachment styles are
inf luential. People with secure styles tend to tolerantly employ relationship-enhancing
attributions, but insecure people—particularly those who are high in anxiety about
abandonment—are more pessimistic (Kimmes et al., 2015). And disappointments
of various sorts may cause anyone to gradually adopt a pessimistic perspective
(Karney & Bradbury, 2000). But one thing is clear: Maladaptive attributions can
lead to cantankerous behavior and ineffective problem solving (Hrapczynski et al.,
2011), and they can cause dissatisfaction that would not have occurred otherwise
(Kimmes et al., 2015). With various points of view at their disposal, people can
choose to explain a partner’s behavior in ways that are endearing and forgiving, or
pessimistic and pejorative—and the success of their relationship may ultimately
hang in the balance.
A Point to Ponder
To what extent are you able to
comprehend your partner’s
perceptions of the role you
played in escalating your last
argument with him or her?
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Memories
Our perceptions of the current events in our relationships are obviously influential. So
are our memories of the things that have happened in the past.
We usually assume that our memories are faithful representations of past events. In
particular, we’re likely to trust vivid memories because they seem so certain and detailed.
But years of research (Loftus, 2019) have clearly demonstrated that, although our memories
are mostly reliable (Brewin et al., 2020), we nevertheless edit and update our memories—
even seemingly vivid ones—as new events unfold, so that what we remember about the past
is always a mix of what h appened then and what we know now. Psychologists use the term
reconstructive memory to describe the manner in which our memories are continually
revised and rewritten as new information is obtained.
Reconstructive memory influences our relationships. For one thing, partners’ cur-
rent feelings about each other influence what they remember about their shared past
(Smyth et al., 2020). If they’re presently happy, people tend to forget past disappoint-
ments; but if they’re unhappy and their relationship is
failing, they underestimate how happy and loving they
used to be. These tricks of memory help us adjust to
the situations we encounter, but they often leave us feel-
ing that our relationships have always been more stable
and predictable than they really were—and that can pro-
mote damaging overconfidence.
FIGURE 4.3. Attributions made by happy and unhappy couples.
Relationship-enhancing attributions give partners credit for thoughtful, generous actions and excuse
undesirable behavior as a temporary aberration. Distress-maintaining attributions do just the opposite;
they blame partners for undesirable conduct but give them no credit for the nice things they do.
Unhappy
Distress
Maintaining
Positive
Negative
External
Unstable
Uncontrollable
Internal
Stable
Controllable
Happy
Relationship
Enhancing
Positive
Negative
Internal
Stable
Controllable
Attributions
Made
Attributional
Pattern
State of the
Couple’s
Relationship
Partner’s
Behavior
External
Unstable
Uncontrollable
Source: Data from Brehm, S., & Kassin, S. M. (1990). Social Psychology (6th ed.), Houghton Mifflin.
A Point to Ponder
When a relationship ends
badly, how accurately are you
able to remember how won-
derful it seemed back when it
was going well?
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The good news is that by misremembering their past, partners can remain opti-
mistic about their future (Lemay & Neal, 2013). At any given point in time, contented
lovers are likely to recall that they have had some problems in the past but that things
have recently gotten better, so they are happier now than they used to be (Karney &
Frye, 2002). What’s notable about this pattern is that, if you follow couples over time,
they’ll tell you this over and over even when their satisfaction with each other is
gradually eroding instead of increasing (Frye & Karney, 2004). Evidently, by remember-
ing recent improvement in their partnerships that has not occurred, people remain
happier than they might otherwise be. Like other perceptions, our memories influence
our subsequent behavior and emotions in our intimate relationships (Cao et al., 2020).
Relationship Beliefs
People also enter their partnerships with established beliefs about how relation-
ships work. For instance, Brian Willoughby and his colleagues (2015a) suggest that
we have a collection of beliefs about getting and being married that take the forms
of marital paradigms, which are broad assumptions about whether, when, and under
what circumstances we should marry that are accompanied by beliefs about what
it’s like to be married. About one-third of a sizable sample of students at Ball State
University in Indiana were enthusiastic about marriage and eager to get married,
but a greater number of them (58 percent) were more cautious: They attached less
priority to being married, wanted to wait longer to get married, and were more
accepting of divorce. And the remaining 10 percent of the group judged marriage
to be even less important, thinking they’d be 35 years old when (or if) they mar-
ried (Willoughby & Hall, 2015).
Underpinning such broad outlooks are a variety of more specific beliefs, and some of
them are clearly disadvantageous. Certain beliefs that people have about relationships are
dysfunctional; that is, they appear to have adverse effects on the quality of relationships,
making it less likely that the partners will be satisfied (Goodwin & Gaines, 2004). What
ideas could people have that could have such deleterious effects? Here are six:
• Disagreements are destructive. Disagreements mean that my partner doesn’t love
me enough. If we loved each other sufficiently, we would never disagree.
• “Mindreading” is essential. People who really care about each other ought to be
able to intuit each other’s needs and preferences without having to be told what
they are. My partner doesn’t love me enough if I have to tell him or her what I
want or need.
• Partners cannot change. Once things go wrong, they’ll stay that way. If a lover has
faults, he or she won’t improve.
• Sex should be perfect every time. Sex should always be wonderful and fulfilling if
our love is pure. We should always want, and be ready for, sex.
• Men and women are different. The personalities and needs of men and women are
so dissimilar, you really can’t understand someone of the other sex.2
• Great relationships just happen. You don’t need to work at maintaining a good
relationship. People are either compatible with each other and destined to be
happy together or they’re not.
2 You don’t really still think that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, do you?
chapter 4: Social Cognition 145
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Most of these beliefs were identified by Roy Eidelson and Norman Epstein (1982)
years ago, and since then, studies have shown that they put people at risk for distress
and dissatisfaction in close relationships (Wright & Roloff, 2015). They’re unrealistic.
When disagreements do occur—as they always do—they seem momentous to people
who hold these views. Any dispute implies that their love is imperfect. Worse, people
with these perspectives don’t exert much effort to nurture and maintain their relation-
ships (Weigel et al., 2016)—after all, if you’re made for each other, you shouldn’t have
to break a sweat to live happily ever after—and they don’t behave constructively when
problems arise. Believing that people can’t change and that true love just happens, such
people don’t strive to solve problems; they report more interest in ending the relation-
ship than in working to repair it (Knee & Petty, 2013).
In their work on relationship beliefs, Chip Knee and his colleagues refer to per-
spectives like these as destiny beliefs because they assume that two people are either
well suited for each other and destined to live happily ever after, or they’re not (Knee
& Petty, 2013). Destiny beliefs take an inflexible view of intimate partnerships
(see Table 4.1). They suggest that if two people are meant to be happy, they’ll know it
as soon as they meet; they’ll not encounter early doubts or difficulties, and once two
TABLE 4.1. Destiny and Growth Beliefs
Chip Knee (1998) measured destiny and growth beliefs with these items. Respondents were
asked to rate their agreement or disagreement with each item using this scale:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
strongly disagree strongly agree
1. Potential relationship partners are either compatible or they are not.
2. The ideal relationship develops gradually over time.
3. A successful relationship is mostly a matter of finding a compatible partner right from
the start.
4. Challenges and obstacles in a relationship can make love even stronger.
5. Potential relationship partners are either destined to get along or they are not.
6. A successful relationship is mostly a matter of learning to resolve conflicts with
a partner.
7. Relationships that do not start off well inevitably fail.
8. A successful relationship evolves through hard work and resolution of incompatibilities.
As you undoubtedly surmised, the odd-numbered items assess a destiny orientation and the
even-numbered items assess a growth orientation. A scale with these items and 14 more is
now used in destiny and growth research (Knee & Petty, 2013), but these classic items are
still excellent examples of the two sets of beliefs. Do you agree with one set of ideas more
than the other?
146 chapter 4: Social Cognition
Source: Knee, C. R. (1998). “Implicit theories of relationships: Assessment and prediction of romantic relationship initiation,
coping, and longevity,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 360–370.
miL04267_ch04_133-178.indd 146 12/01/21 5:53 PM
soulmates find each other, a happy future is ensured. This is the manner in which
Hollywood often portrays love in romantic comedies, and people who watch such
movies do tend to believe that true loves are meant to be (Hefner, 2019). And
sure enough, more than half (56 percent) of American adults believe that soulmates—
practically perfect partners—exist (Ballard, 2020).
Different views, which you see less often at the movies, assume that happy relation-
ships are the result of hard work (Knee & Petty, 2013). According to growth beliefs,
good relationships are believed to develop gradually as the partners work at surmount-
ing challenges and overcoming obstacles, and a basic presumption is that with enough
effort, almost any relationship can succeed.
As you might expect, these different perspectives generate different outcomes when
difficulties arise (and as it turns out, Hollywood isn’t doing us any favors). When
couples argue or a partner misbehaves, people who hold growth beliefs remain more
committed to the relationship and more optimistic that any damage can be repaired
than do those who do not hold such views. Those who endorse destiny beliefs are more
likely than others to have ended a relationship obnoxiously by ghosting their partners,
simply cutting off all contact (Freedman et al., 2019). “It may be romantic for lovers
to think they were made for each other, but it backfires when conflicts arise and reality
pokes the bubble of perfect unity. Instead, thinking of love as a journey, often involving
twists and turns but ultimately moving toward a destination, takes away some of the
repercussions of relational conflicts” (Lee & Schwarz, 2014, p. 64).
The belief that all you have to do to live happily ever after is to find the right, perfect partner
is not advantageous.
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Thus, some relationship beliefs are more adaptive than others (Cobb et al., 2013).
These perspectives can gradually change over time as our romances wax and wane
(Willoughby et al., 2015b), but they can also change with education and insight (Sharp
& Ganong, 2000). Indeed, if you recognize any of your own views among the dysfunc-
tional beliefs three pages back, I hope that these findings are enlightening. Unrealistic
assumptions can be so idealistic and starry-eyed that no relationship measures up to
them, and distress and disappointment are certain to follow.
Expectations
Sometimes, we have judgments of others that are initially false but that, knowingly or
not, we make come true (Rosenthal, 2006). I’m referring here to self-fulfilling prophecies,
which are false predictions that become true because they lead people to behave in
ways that make the erroneous expectations come true. Self- fulfilling prophecies are
extraordinary examples of the power of perceptions because the events that result from
them occur only because people expect them to, and then act as if they will.
Mark Snyder and his colleagues (1977) provided an elegant example of a self-
fulfilling prophecy when they led men at the University of Minnesota to believe that
they were chatting on the phone with women who were either very attractive or
quite unattractive. The experimenters gave each man a fake photograph of the
woman with whom he’d be getting acquainted and then recorded the ensuing
Attachment Styles and Perceptions of Partners
Relationship beliefs can vary a lot from per-
son to person, and another individual differ-
ence that’s closely tied to the way people
think about their partnerships is attachment
style (Gillath et al., 2016). People with differ-
ent styles are thought to have different “men-
tal models” of relationships; they hold
different beliefs about what relationships are
like, expect different behavior from their part-
ners, and form different judgments of what
their partners do. I’ve already noted that se-
cure people are more likely than those
with insecure styles to employ relationship-
enhancing attributions (Kimmes et al., 2015);
they’re also less likely to hold maladaptive
relationship beliefs (Stackert & Bursik,
2003). Secure people trust their partners
more (Mikulincer, 1998), believe that their
partners are more supportive (Collins & Feeney,
2004), and have more positive expectations
about what the future holds (Birnie et al.,
2009). They’re also more likely than insecure
people to remember positive things that have
happened in the past (Miller & Noirot, 1999).
Even their dreams are different; compared to
those who are insecure, secure people portray
others in their dreams as being more available
and supportive and as offering greater com-
fort (Mikulincer et al., 2011). In general, then,
people with secure styles are more generous,
optimistic, and kindly in their judgments of
others than insecure people are (Rodriguez
et al., 2019).
Attachment styles can change, as we saw
in chapter 1, but no matter what style people
have, they tend to remember the past as being
consistent with what they’re thinking now
(Feeney & Cassidy, 2003). Happily, if positive
experiences in a rewarding relationship help
us gradually develop a more relaxed and trust-
ing outlook on intimacy with others, we may
slowly forget that we ever felt any other way.
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conversations to see what happened. Men who thought they’d be talking to gorgeous
women had higher expectations than those who anticipated a conversation with a
plain partner, and they were much more eager and interested when the interactions
began; listeners rated them as more sociable, warm, outgoing, and bold. The men’s
(often erroneous) judgments of the women were clearly ref lected in their behavior.
How did the women respond to such treatment? They had no knowledge of having
been labeled as gorgeous or homely, but they did know that they were talking to a
man who sounded either enthusiastic or aloof. As a result, the men got what they
expected: The women who were presumed to be attractive really did sound more
alluring, reacting to their obviously interested partners with warmth and appeal of
their own. By comparison, the women who talked with relatively detached men who
thought they were unattractive sounded pretty drab. In both cases, the men elicited
from the women the behavior they expected whether or not their expectations were
accurate. By behaving in a manner that fit their expectations, they made their pre-
dictions come true.
Let’s examine Figure 4.4 together to detail how this process works. As a first step
in a self-fulfilling prophecy, a person whom we’ll call the perceiver forms an expectancy
about someone else—the target—that predicts how the target will behave. The men in
Snyder et al.’s (1977) study were influenced by the women’s apparent physical attrac-
tiveness, but various other types of information, such as a target’s age, sex, race, or
social class may also affect the perceiver’s judgments in ways of which the perceiver
is unaware (Bjornsdottir & Rule, 2017).
P interprets the
target’s response.
Ignoring his or her
role in producing
it; support for the
expectancy is likely
to be perceived.
P forms an expectancy
about the target.
Based on stereotype,
casual knowledge,
or prior contact.
T interprets the
perceiver’s behavior.
T responds.
Usually in a reciprocal
fashion, meeting kind-
ness with kindness,
hostility with hostility.
P acts.
Subtly communicating
his or her expectancy
to the target.
FIGURE 4.4. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
Originally false expectations held by a perceiver (P) can seem to come true when he or she
interacts with someone else, his or her target (T).
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Then, in an important second step, the perceiver acts, usually in a fashion that is
in accord with his or her expectations. Indeed, it may be hard for the perceiver to avoid
subtly communicating what he or she really thinks about the target. People with favor-
able expectations, for instance, interact longer and more often with their targets, shar-
ing more eye contact, sitting closer, smiling more, asking more questions, and
encouraging more responses than do perceivers who have less positive expectations
(Rosenthal, 2006). In Snyder’s study, men who thought they were talking to lovely
women were more enthusiastic and engaged than were men who believed their partners
were plain.
The recipient of the perceiver’s behavior is likely to notice all of this, and the
target’s interpretation will influence his or her response (Stukas & Snyder, 2002). In
most cases, however, when the target responds in the fourth step, it will be in a manner
that is similar to the perceiver’s behavior toward him or her. Enthusiasm is usually met
with interest (Snyder et al., 1977), hostility with counterattacks (Snyder & Swann,
1978a), and flirtatiousness with allurement (Lemay & Wolf, 2016). Sure enough, the
women in Snyder’s study who were thought to be attractive really did sound more
enticing because they responded to the men’s enthusiasm with energy of their own.
Thus, the perceiver usually elicits from the target the behavior he or she expected, and
that may be nothing like the way the target would have behaved if the perceiver hadn’t
expected it.
But such is the nature of a self-fulfilling prophecy that, as the perceiver interprets
the target’s response, the perceiver is unlikely to recognize the role that he or she played
in producing it (McNulty & Karney, 2002). The actor/observer effect will lead the
perceiver to attribute the target’s behavior to the target’s personality or mood. And
after all, the perceiver found in the target the behavior he or she expected; what better
evidence is there that his or her expectations were correct? (This is another reason
that we tend to be overconfident in our judgments of others; when we make our false
expectations come true, we never realize that we were ever wrong!)
Here, then, is another fundamental reason that our perceptions of others are so
influential. They not only influence our interpretations of the information we gain, they
also guide our behavior toward others (Gunaydin et al., 2017). We often get what we
expect from others, and that is sometimes behavior that would not have occurred
without our prompting—but we’re rarely aware of how our expectations have created
their own realities.
Because they guide our actions toward others, our expectations are clearly not
inert. Another fascinating example of this was obtained when researchers sent people
to chat with strangers after leading them to expect that the strangers would probably
either like or dislike them (Curtis & Miller, 1986). Participants in the study were told
that, to study different types of interactions, the researchers had given a stranger bogus
advance information about them, and they could anticipate either a friendly or an
unfriendly reaction from the stranger when they met. In truth, however, none of the
strangers had been told anything at all about the participants, and the false expectations
that the interaction would go well or poorly existed only in the minds of the partici-
pants themselves. (Imagine yourself in this intriguing position: You think someone
you’re about to meet already likes or dislikes you, but the other person really doesn’t
know anything about you at all.) What happened? People got what they expected.
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Expecting to be liked, people greeted others in an engaging, open, positive way—they
behaved in a likable manner—and really were liked by the strangers they met. However,
those who expected to be disliked were cautious and defensive and were much less
forthcoming, and they actually got their partners to dislike them. Once again, false
expectations created their own behavioral reality—and positive expectations were ben-
eficial and advantageous, whereas negative expectations were not.
Indeed, over time, people who chronically hold different sorts of expectations
about others may create different sorts of social worlds for themselves (Stinson et al.,
2009). For instance, Geraldine Downey and her colleagues have demonstrated that
people who tend to worry about rejection from others often behave in ways that make
such rejection more likely (Romero-Canyas et al., 2009). People who are high in rejec-
tion sensitivity tend to anxiously perceive snubs from others when none are intended.
Then they overreact, fearfully displaying more hostility and defensiveness than others
would (Romero-Canyas et al., 2010). Their behavior is obnoxious, and as a result, both
they and their partners tend to be dissatisfied with their close relationships.
The flip side of rejection sensitivity may be optimism, the tendency to expect good
things to happen. People who are chronically optimistic enjoy more satisfying close
relationships than do those who are less hopeful because their positive expectations
have beneficial effects on their partnerships (Carver & Scheier, 2009). They perceive
their partners to be more supportive than pessimists do (Srivastava et al., 2006), and
they report that they’re able to solve problems with their partners cooperatively and
creatively and well (Assad et al., 2007). Their expectations that they can resolve their
difficulties evidently lead them to address any problems with hopeful confidence and
energy that actually do make the problems more manageable.
Altogether, then, our perceptions of our partners, the attributions we make, and
the beliefs and expectations we bring to our relationships can exert a p owerful influ-
ence on the events that follow. Our judgments of each other matter. And those of us
who expect others to be trustworthy, generous, and loving may find that others actually
are good to us more often than those with more pessimistic perspectives find others
being kind to them (Lemay et al., 2015).
Self-Perceptions
Yet another example of the power of our perceptions lies in the judgments we form of
ourselves. Our discussion of self-esteem in chapter 1 noted that our self-evaluations are
potent influences on our interactions. But self-esteem is just one part of our broader
self-concepts, which encompass all of the beliefs and feelings we have about ourselves.
Our self-concepts include a wide array of self-knowledge along with our self-esteem,
and all the components of the self-concept are intimately tied to our relationships with
others.
During social interaction, our self-concepts try to fulfill two different functions
(Swann & Buhrmester, 2012). On the one hand, people seek feedback from others that
will enhance their self-concepts and allow them to think of themselves as desirable,
attractive, competent people (Dufner et al., 2019). We like to hear good things about
ourselves, and we try to associate with others who will help us support positive self-
images.
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On the other hand, because it’s unsettling to encounter information that contra-
dicts our beliefs, we also want feedback that sustains our existing self-concepts. For
better or worse, our self-concepts play vital roles in organizing our views of the world;
they make life predictable and support coherent expectations about what each day will
bring. Without a stable, steady self-concept, social life would be a confusing, chaotic
jumble, and being constantly confronted with information that contradicts our self-
images would be unnerving. For that reason, people are also comforted by feedback
from others that is consistent with what they already think about themselves and that
verifies their existing self-concepts (Seidman & Burke, 2015), and this is true around
the world (Seih et al., 2013).
These two motives, self-enhancement—the desire for positive, complimentary
feedback—and self-verification—the desire for feedback that is consistent with one’s exist-
ing self-concept—go hand-in-hand for people who like themselves and who have positive
self-concepts. When such people associate with others who compliment and praise
them, they receive feedback that is simultaneously self-enhancing and self-verifying. But
life is more complex for people who genuinely consider themselves to be unskilled and
unlovable. Positive evaluations from others make them feel good but threaten their
negative self-images; negative feedback and criticism affirm their self-concepts but hurt
their feelings.
How do both motives coexist in people with negative self-concepts? One answer
is that people with poor self-concepts like global praise that suggests that their partners
are happy with them, but they prefer self-verifying feedback about their specific faults
(Neff & Karney, 2005). Partners who accurately recognize your deficiencies but who
like you anyway appear to satisfy both motives (Lackenbauer et al., 2010). Self-enhance-
ment also appears to be a more automatic, relatively nonconscious response that is
primarily emotional, whereas self-verification emerges from deliberate and conscious
cognition. What this means is that people with poor self-concepts like praise and com-
pliments from others, but once they get a chance to think about them, they don’t believe
or trust such feedback (Swann et al., 1990).
Okay, so what? The relevance of these phenomena to the study of relationships
lies in the fact that if people are choosing relationship partners carefully, they’ll seek
intimate partners who support their existing self-concepts, good or bad (Swann &
Buhrmester, 2012). Here’s an example: Imagine that after a semester of sharing a
double room in a college dorm, you’re asked if you want to change roommates. You
have a positive self-concept, and your roommate likes you and tells you so. Do you
want to leave? Probably not. But if your roommate disliked you and constantly dispar-
aged you, you’d probably want out. You’d not want to live with someone who disagreed
with you about who you are because it would be wearying and unpleasant to have to
face such a contrary point of view all the time.
Now imagine that you have a lousy self-concept and you’re paired with a roommate
who constantly tells you that there’s no reason to doubt yourself. Such encouragement
feels great, and you want more, right? Wrong. The motive to protect and maintain our
existing self-concepts is so strong that people with negative self-concepts want to escape
roommates who perceive them positively; they’d rather have roommates who dislike
them (Swann & Pelham, 2002). Such disapproval is unpleasant, but at least it reassures
the recipients that the world is a predictable place.
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Things get more complicated in romantic relationships. When people choose dat-
ing partners, self-enhancement is preeminent; everybody seeks partners who like and
accept them. Thus, even people with poor self-concepts pursue casual partners who
provide positive feedback. However, in more interdependent, committed relationships
such as marriages, self-verification rises to the fore—a phenomenon called the marriage
shift—and people want feedback that supports their self-concepts (Swann et al., 1994).
(See Figure 4.5.) If people with negative self-images find themselves married to spouses
who praise and appreciate them too much, they’ll gradually find ways to avoid their
spouses as much as possible:
Imagine a man who receives what he construes to be undeserved praise from his wife.
Although such praise may make him feel optimistic and happy at first, the positive glow
will recede if he concludes that his wife could not possibly believe what she said. . . .
[or] he may decide that she is a fool. In either case, overly favorable evaluations from
someone who knows one well may foster a sense of uneasiness, inauthenticity, and dis-
trust of the person who delivered them. (Swann, 1996, p. 118)
FIGURE 4.5. The marriage shift in self-verification.
Self-enhancement is obvious in dating partnerships: We feel closer to dating partners who
approve of us than to those who think we’re flawed. But once people marry, self-verification
rises to the fore. People with negative self-concepts actually feel closer to spouses who don’t
approve of them than to those who do. Beware of the marriage shift if your current romantic
partner has low self-esteem.
Source: Swann, W. B., Jr., De La Ronde, C., & Hixon, J. G. (1994). “Authenticity and positivity strivings in mar-
riage and courtship,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66, 857–869.
60
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20
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om
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itm
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Partner’s Appraisal of Us
BetterWorse
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Positive self-concept Negative self-concept
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On the other hand, if their spouses belittle them, people with negative self- concepts
will stay close at hand (Campbell et al., 2006). (And of course, it’s the other way
around for those who have positive self-concepts.)
Overall, then, our self-concepts help direct our choices of intimate partners.
Approval and acceptance from others is always pleasant, but in meaningful relationships
over the long haul, people prefer reactions from others that confirm what they think
of themselves. And that means that although most of us will be most content with
spouses who uplift us, people with negative self-concepts will not; they’ll likely feel
better understood by, and closer to, partners who verify their low opinions of them-
selves (Chun et al., 2017).3
3Of course, self-concepts can change, and the ease with which they do depends on the certainty with which
they are held. The good news is that if you suspect you’re a nincompoop but aren’t really sure, positive
feedback from an adoring lover may change your self-image as you enjoy, and come to believe, what your
partner says (Stinson et al., 2009). The bad news is that if you’re quite sure you’re unworthy, you’ll feel more
at home around those who know you well enough to take you as you are—that is, those who agree that you’re
unworthy (Campbell et al., 2006).
154 chapter 4: Social Cognition
Narcissism and Relationships
A negative self-concept can evidently have an
adverse impact on one’s relationships, but an
overly positive self-concept can be problem-
atic, too. Narcissists possess highly inflated,
unrealistic perceptions of their talents, desir-
ability, and self-worth. They don’t just have
high self-esteem, feeling satisfied with them-
selves, they think they’re better than other
people; they “view their own needs and goals
as more significant than others’ and exhibit
an inflated sense of importance and deserv-
ingness” (Krizan & Herlache, 2018, p. 6). So,
their self-perceptions are grandiose, and
they’re prone to strong self- serving biases
(Stucke, 2003); if things go well, they want
all the credit, but if things go wrong, they will
accept none of the blame. They’re touchy,
too; their excessive pride leads them to over-
react to imagined slights from others, and
they’re always alert for any hint of disregard
( McCullough et al., 2003); they feel cruelly
wronged when they judge that people are dis-
respectful or uncaring, so they react more
angrily and aggressively than others would
(Shoikhedbrod et al., 2019).
When they enter close relationships, “nar-
cissists aim not to get along but to get ahead.
They seek not intimate bonds but superiority
and status” (Myers, 2016, p. 36). They’re chron-
ically less committed to their romantic partners
than others are; their arrogant sense of entitle-
ment leads them to stay on the prowl, looking
for more desirable partners than the ones they
have (Campbell & Foster, 2002). They work
less hard to please their current partners and
constantly think they deserve “better.”
Narcissists obviously make rather poor
partners, but it is sometimes surprisingly hard
for all the rest of us to see that at first (Czarna
et al., 2016). They dress really well (Holtzman
& Strube, 2013), and early on, their self-
assurance can be appealing (Giacomin &
Jordan, 2019), and it often takes time to realize
how selfish and exploitative and touchy they
really are. Thus, narcissism often takes the form
of a “fatal attraction”; it may be attractive at
first but deadly in the long run (Rentzsch &
Gebauer, 2019), and it presents a challenge to
us to be as astute in our judgments of potential
partners as we can possibly be.
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Nonconscious Social Cognition
If you stop and think, you’ll probably recognize most of the elements of social cogni-
tion we’ve discussed so far. Some attributions, beliefs, and expectations may be habit-
ual, operating almost automatically without any deliberation or contemplation. But they
are still conscious processes; if we turn our attention to them, we can identify them,
and consider their possible effects.
Notably, however, you also have some other inclinations toward your intimate
partners—perhaps both positive and negative—of which you are completely unaware.
I’m referring here to implicit attitudes, which are the unintentional and automatic
associations in our judgments that are evident when our partners come to mind
(Greenwald & Lai, 2020). Let’s say that after seeing a picture of your beloved, you
have to instantly decide in a reaction time task if a photo of a garbage dump is “good”
or “bad”: If your nonconscious, gut feelings about your partner are wholly positive, it’ll
take you a few milliseconds longer to accurately choose “bad” than would be the case
if you had mixed feelings about your partner, and “bad” simply came to mind more
easily. The speed with which “good” and “bad” judgments of various stimuli (such as
flowers and puppies versus scorpions and moldy cheese) can be correctly made when
you’ve been reminded of your partner is thought to reflect your nonconscious, implicit
attitudes toward your partner; positive regard for your partner makes “good” judgments
come quicker than “bad” ones, whereas disregard for your partner brings “bad”
responses to the fore. (Explore this procedure, the Implicit Association Test, for your-
self at https://implicit.harvard.edu!)
Why should we care about fractions of a second in reaction time? Because implicit
attitudes can tell us things about people’s feelings for their partners that their conscious,
intentional self-reports cannot (de Jong et al., 2019). First of all, our implicit attitudes
are typically uncorrelated with our conscious evaluations of our relationships (Hicks
& McNulty, 2019); our automatic associations often differ from the feelings about our
partners that we consciously experience (and can describe to researchers). In particular,
in most relationships, our partners activate both positive and negative automatic evalu-
ations; when we’re happy with our partners, our favorable, positive implicit attitudes
outweigh our negative, disapproving ones, but some nonconscious negativity of which
we’re unaware exists nonetheless (Zayas et al., 2017). We may not be able to explicate
them, but most of us have some nonconscious mixed feelings, or implicit ambivalence,
about our sweethearts. Perhaps this shouldn’t be surprising; as we’ll see in chapter 11,
conflict is inevitable in intimate partnerships, and as we’ll see in chapter 6, interdepen-
dency routinely involves significant costs as well as rewards. So, there are usually some
drawbacks to any close relationship. But what makes implicit attitudes especially inter-
esting is that they predict the future of a marriage better than the spouses consciously
can; Jim McNulty and his colleagues assessed both the implicit attitudes and the
explicit self-reports of newlywed couples twice a year for four years and found that their
automatic associations forecast the spouses’ subsequent satisfaction better than their
conscious evaluations did. Regardless of how happy the new spouses thought they were,
their implicit attitudes better predicted how happy they would later be (McNulty et al.,
2013). Interestingly, even when we love our partners very much, we may have some
quiet, nonconscious, mixed feelings about our relationships with them.
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Another intriguing aspect of nonconscious social cognition occurs when we unwit-
tingly import old experiences in prior relationships into our reactions to our current
partners. In a process called transference, old feelings can be “transferred” to new
partners, influencing our behavior and our implicit attitudes toward them, when those
new partners subtly remind us of significant others from our past (Andersen &
Przybylinski, 2018). And what makes this interesting is that we need not be consciously
aware of the manner in which something about our new partners is summoning up old
associations. If new acquaintances resemble others who treated us badly in the past,
for instance, we may behave more coolly toward the newcomers without realizing it
(Faure et al., 2018). Those actions may elicit less friendly reactions from them, and
we may begin to create new unpleasant relationships that resemble our unhappy past
experiences without our disagreeable old partners ever coming consciously to mind
(Berenson & Andersen, 2006). Happily, nonconscious transference can work for us,
too. If a new acquaintance resembles someone with whom you shared good times, your
interactions may get off to an especially good start. Although you may not consciously
be reminded of your prior partner, you may, without meaning to, be particularly warm
and sociable (Przybylinski & Andersen, 2015).
So, we can bring some interpersonal “baggage” into our new partnerships, and con-
nections and implicit associations of which we are unaware can shape our feelings and
actions toward our partners without us noticing. Unbidden, unintentional, and noncon-
scious tendencies may have more influence on our intimate relationships than we realize.
IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT
Others’ impressions of us clearly matter. And because they do, we often try to control
the information that others receive about us. We sometimes try to make deliberate
impressions on others, choosing our words, our actions, our apparel, and even our
associates carefully to pre sent a certain public image. On other occasions, when we’re
not consciously pursuing a particular impression, we often fall into habitual patterns
of behavior that portray us in ways that have elicited desirable responses from others
in the past (Schlenker, 2012). So, whether or not we’re thinking about it, we’re often
engaging in impression management, trying to influence the impressions of us that
others form.
This is a significant idea for at least two reasons. First, nearly anything we do in
the presence of others may be strategically regulated in the service of impression man-
agement. Women are more likely to wear high heels (Prokop & Švancárová, 2020) and
then eat less on a date with an attractive man than they would have eaten had they
been out with their girlfriends ( Robillard, 2008). Men take greater risks (and incur
more sensational crashes) on their skateboards (Ronay & von Hippel, 2010), pretend
to be unaffected by horror films (Dosmukhambetova & Manstead, 2012), and display
flashier luxury goods4 (Kruger & Kruger, 2018) when they want to impress women.
4One does not buy a $450,000 Porsche Carrera GT with only two seats, a tiny trunk, and lousy gas mileage
for transportation alone. Interestingly, however, when we’re evaluating others as potential friends, we find those
driving fancy BMWs to be less attractive than those who (like us?) are driving more modest Hondas (Garcia
et al., 2019). Flashy displays of high-status goods make poorer impressions than most of us think.
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During sex, women cry out in exaggerated pleasure
(Brewer & Hendrie, 2011), and both sexes will occa-
sionally fake orgasms (79 percent of the women and
53 percent of the men in an Australian sample had
done so) (Jonason, 2019). Indeed, any public behavior
may communicate meaningful information about us to
others. The e-mail addresses we select (Back et al., 2008),
the avatars we build (Fong & Mar, 2015), the tattoos
we apply (Guéguen, 2013), and, of course, the profiles
we construct online (check out the “So, What Are You
Showing the World Online?” box on the next page) all allow strangers to gauge some
of our personality traits surprisingly well.
A second reason that impression management matters is that it is a pervasive
influence on social life. Others’ evaluations of us are eventful, and when we are in the
presence of others, we are rarely unconcerned about what they may be thinking of us
(Miller, 1996). By providing a means with which we can influence others’ judgments,
impression management increases our chances of accomplishing our interpersonal
objectives. And there’s rarely anything dishonest going on; impression management is
seldom deceitful or duplicitous. Yes, people fake orgasms, and women misrepresent
their weight, and men their height, in their online profiles (Hitsch et al., 2010), but
most impression management involves revealing, perhaps in a selective fashion, one’s
real attributes to others ( Schlenker, 2012). By announcing some of their attitudes but
not mentioning others, for example, people may appear to have something in common
with almost anyone they meet; this simple tactic of impression management facilitates
graceful and rewarding social interaction and does not involve u ntruthfulness
at all. Because others reject frauds and cheats, people seldom pretend to be things
they are not.
Strategies of Impression Management
Nevertheless, because most of us have diverse interests and talents, we can honestly
attempt to create many distinct impressions, and we may seek different images in dif-
ferent situations (Gohar et al., 2016). Indeed, people routinely use four different broad
strategies of impression management (Jones & Pittman, 1982). We use ingratiation
when we seek acceptance and liking from others; we do favors, pay compliments, men-
tion areas of agreement, and are generally charming to get others to like us. Ingratiation
is a common form of impression management with romantic partners (Nezlek et al.,
2007), and as long as such efforts are not transparently manipulative or obviously
insincere (Tenney & Spellman, 2011), they usually do elicit favorable reactions from
others (Proost et al., 2010).
On other occasions, when we wish our abilities to be recognized and respected by
others, we may engage in self-promotion, recounting our accomplishments or strategi-
cally arranging public demonstrations of our skills. Self-promotion is a frequent strategy
of impression management in a workplace (Nezlek et al., 2007), but even in profes-
sional settings, vigorous self-promotion can be risky for women because it risks seem-
ing “unladylike” (Moss-Racusin & Rudman, 2010). One does not wish to appear to be
A Point to Ponder
You realize that a friend has
posted pictures on a dating
site that are 2 years old, when
she was 20 pounds lighter. Is
her choice of images disrepu-
table duplicity or a savvy
strategy?
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Personal
Characteristic
Researchers’
Accuracy
Sex 93%
Race 95%
Sexual orientation (men) 88%
Sexual orientation (women) 75%
Single/in a relationship 67%
Using drugs 65%
Divorced parents 60%
So, What Are You Showing the World Online?
When we put profiles and post pictures online, we’re engaging in impression management,
selecting the information we make available to our social networks. You can limit what others
see with your privacy settings, of course, but you may be surprised at just how much strangers
can learn about you if they inspect your posts.
Let’s start with the basics on Facebook. Let’s assume that others don’t get to read your
profile or see any pictures—they just look at your “likes” (which are public, after all, unless
you go to some trouble to hide them). An analysis of the endorsements made by 58,466
American volunteers found that the patterns of their likes made it easy to discern whether
they were male or female and white or Black. Sexual orientation was also pretty obvious,
and whether or not one’s parents were divorced, one was presently in a relationship,
and one was using drugs were all surprisingly plain (Kosinski et al., 2013). Here’s the
scorecard:
Add in your profile, your pictures, and
your posts, and you make some of those char-
acteristics known for certain. More interest-
ingly, strangers gain useful insight into how
extraverted, agreeable, and conscientious you
are from both the pictures and the comments
you post (Azucar et al., 2018; Reiss & Tsvet-
kova, 2020). (If you routinely use words such
as “damn,” “bitch,” and “shit,” on your page,
for instance, you’re probably lower in agree-
ableness than someone who’s often using
“wonderful,” “amazing,” and “thank you”
[Park et al., 2015]).5 We can also all get
some sense of how your romantic relation-
ship is faring: People who post a profile picture of themselves with their partners are more
satisfied with their relationships, on average, than others are (Krueger & Forest, 2020).
They also share more information about their relationships on days when things are going
well (Saslow et al., 2013).
And here’s a pro tip: Don’t post too many selfies on Instagram. Like our other footprints
on social media, selfies allow strangers to form impressions of our personalities that are sur-
prisingly accurate (Kaurin et al., 2018). But importantly, a lot of selfies will lead observers to
think that you are lonelier and less likable than would have been the case were you posting
fewer selfies (Barry et al., 2019). Instead of selfies, mix in more candid photos in which you’re
not posing and looking at the camera; they make us seem genuine and likable and make better
impressions than posed photos do (Berger & Barasch, 2018).
We know, of course, that anything we post online can be seen by anyone who can access
our accounts. What’s notable, though, is how much others may learn about us that we didn’t
intend to tell.
5Speaking of language, if you’re writing a profile for a dating site, have a good writer proofread it before you
post it! Misspellings and grammatical errors will lead readers to think that you’re either inattentive or stupid,
and either way, you’ll get fewer responses from potential partners than you would have otherwise (Van der
Zanden et al., 2020).
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bragging (Sezer et al., 2018). Nevertheless, during a job interview, self-promotion makes
a better impression than ingratiation does—and a combination of the two does even
better (Proost et al., 2010).
Both ingratiation and self-promotion create socially desirable impressions, but
other strategies create undesirable images. Through intimidation, people portray them-
selves as ruthless, dangerous, and menacing so that others will do their bidding. Such
behavior is obnoxious and tends to drive others away, but if it’s used only occasionally—
or if the recipients are children or impoverished spouses with no place else to go—
intimidation may get people what they want. Finally, using the strategy of supplication,
people sometimes pre sent themselves as inept or infirm to avoid obligations and to
elicit help and support from others. People who claim that they’re “just too tired” to
do the dishes after a “hard day at work” are engaging in supplication. If ingratiation
and self- promotion work for them, most people use intimidation and supplication only
rarely because most of us prefer to be liked and respected rather than feared or pitied.
But almost everyone uses intimidation and supplication occasionally. If you’ve ever
made a point of showing a partner that you were angry about something or sad about
something else in order to get your way, you were using intimidation and supplication,
respectively (Clark et al., 1996).
Impression Management in Close Relationships
Two specific features of impression management with intimate partners are worthy of
mention. First, the motivation with which people manage their impressions differs from
person to person, and these differences are consequential (Nezlek & Leary, 2002).
People who are high in the trait of self-monitoring readily adjust their behavior to fit
the varying norms of different situations. They’re alert to social cues that suggest what
they should do, and they are ready, willing, and able to tailor their behavior to fit in.
By comparison, low self-monitors are both less attentive to social norms and less flex-
ible; they have smaller repertoires of skills, so they behave more consistently from one
situation to the next, making the same stable impressions even when they don’t fit in.
High self-monitors, then, are more changeable and energetic impression managers
(Parks-Leduc et al., 2014).
These different styles lead to different networks of friends. Because they more
often switch images from one audience to the next, high self-monitors tend to have
more friends than low self-monitors do, but they have less in common with each of
them.6 High self-monitors often surround themselves with activity specialists, partners
who are great companions for some particular pleasure—such as a “tennis buddy” or
“fitness friend”—but with whom they are not compatible in other respects (Leone &
Hawkins, 2006). High self-monitors are adept at steering clear of any topics that would
6I should note that this and the following distinctions between high and low self-monitors are based on
comparisons of the highest self-monitors, the 25 percent of us with the very highest scores, to the lowest
self-monitors, the 25 percent of us with the lowest scores. Researchers sometimes do this to study the pos-
sible effects of a personality trait as plainly as possible, but you should recognize that half of us, those with
scores ranging from somewhat below average to somewhat above, fall between the examples being described
here.
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cause dispute, and the specialist friends allow them to really enjoy those particular
activities—but if they threw a party and invited all those friends, very different people
who have little in common with each other would show up. By comparison, low self-
monitors must search harder for partners with whom they are more similar across the
board. If low self-monitors had all their friends over, fewer people would come, but
they’d all be a lot alike.
These differences in style appear to be consequential as time goes by. When they
first meet others, high self-monitors enjoy interactions of higher intimacy than low
self-monitors do; they work to find common ground for a conversation and are good
at small talk (Fuglestad & Snyder, 2009). Being active impression managers seems to
help them interact comfortably with a wide variety of people. On the other hand, they
invest less of their time in each of their friends, so that they tend to have shorter,
somewhat less committed relationships than low self-monitors do (Leone & Hawkins,
2006). The interactive advantage enjoyed by high self-monitors when a relationship is
just beginning may become a liability once the relationship is well established (Wright
et al., 2007).
Thus, the greater attentiveness to social images evinced by high self- monitors influ-
ences the relationships they form. Would you rather be high or low on this trait? You
can determine your own self-monitoring score using the scale in Table 4.2. Just remem-
ber that only very high and very low scorers closely fit the portraits I’ve drawn here.
The second intriguing aspect of impression management in close relationships is
that—although the impressions we make on our friends and lovers are much more
influential than the images we create for acquaintances or strangers—we usually go to
less trouble to maintain favorable images for our intimate partners than we do for oth-
ers. We worry less about how we’re coming across and try less hard to appear likable
and competent all the time (Leary et al., 1994). The longer people have known their
partners, for instance, the less time they spend grooming themselves in the restroom
during a dinner date (Daly et al., 1983).
Why do we pay less heed to the images we present to intimate partners than to
the impressions we make on others? There may be several reasons why (Leary &
Miller, 2000). For one thing, we know our friends and lovers like us, so there’s less
motivation to be charming to win their approval. If you have a satisfied spouse
someday, for example, you’re likely to put on more weight than you would have if
you were working harder to impress your spouse (Meltzer et al., 2014). Also, because
they know us well, there’s less we can do to have much effect on what they think.
However, it’s also likely that people simply get lazy. Being on one’s best behavior
requires concentration and effort. Polite behavior usually involves some form of self-
restraint. We can relax around those who already know and love us, but that means
that people are often much cruder with intimate partners than they are with anyone
else they know (Miller, 1997). People who are very decorous early in a relationship—
who would never show up for breakfast without being showered and dressed—often
become spouses who sit at the table in their underwear, unwashed, scratching and
picking, and pilfering the last doughnut. This is ironic. Having behaved beautifully
to win the love of a romantic partner, some of us never work at being so charming
to that lover ever again. (And this may be a big problem in many relationships, as
we’ll see in chapter 6.)
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TABLE 4.2. The Self-Monitoring Scale
Is each of the following statements true or false?
1. I find it hard to imitate the behavior of other people.
2. At parties or social gatherings, I do not attempt to say or do things that others will like.
3. I can only argue for ideas that I already believe.
4. I can make impromptu speeches even on topics about which I have almost no
information.
5. I guess I put on a show to impress or entertain others.
6. I would probably make a good actor.
7. In a group I am rarely the center of attention.
8. In different situations and with different people, I often act like very different persons.
9. I am not particularly good at making other people like me.
10. I’m not always the person I appear to be.
11. I would not change my opinions (or the way I do things) in order to please someone.
12. I have considered being an entertainer.
13. I have never been good at games like charades or improvisational acting.
14. I have trouble changing my behavior to suit different people and different situations.
15. At a party I let others keep the jokes and stories going.
16. I feel a bit awkward in public and do not show up quite as well as I should.
17. I can look anyone in the eye and tell a lie (if for a right end).
18. I may deceive people by being friendly when I really dislike them.
Give yourself a point for each of these statements that were true of you: 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12, 17, 18.
Then give yourself a point for each of these statements that were false: 1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 11, 13, 14,
15, 16.
What’s your total score? If it’s 13 or higher, you’re a relatively high self-monitor. If it’s 7 or
lower, you’re a r elatively low self-monitor (Snyder, 1987). Scores between 7 and 13 are
average.
Source: Snyder, M., & Gangestad, S. (1986). “On the nature of self-monitoring: Matters of assessment, matters of validity,” Journal
of Personality and Social Psychology, 51, 125–139.
SO, JUST HOW WELL DO WE KNOW OUR PARTNERS?
Let’s add up the elements of social cognition we’ve encountered in this chapter. In a
close relationship, partners often hold idealized but overconfident perceptions of each
other, and when they act in accord with those judgments, they may elicit behavior from
each other that fits their expectations but would not have otherwise occurred. More-
over, right or wrong, they are likely to interpret one another’s actions in ways that fit
their existing preconceptions. And both of them are trying to make the impressions
on each other that they want to make. Evidently, various processes are at work in
intimate partnerships that cause us to see in our partners those attributes and motives
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that we expect or want (or that they want us) to see. How accurate, then, are our
perceptions of our partners? How well do we know them?
The simple answer is, “not as well as we think we do.” Of course, we have exten-
sive knowledge about our partners. But as we saw in chapter 3, we routinely perceive
them to be more like us than they really are. We believe that they agree with us more
often than they really do, and we overestimate how similar their personality traits are
to our own (Luo & Snider, 2009). As a result, we feel that we understand them, and
they understand us, more than is actually the case. Such misperceptions are not disad-
vantageous. Indeed, the more similarity and understanding we perceive in our partners,
the more satisfying our relationships with them tend to be (Hinnekens et al., 2020).
Still, we misunderstand our partners more than we realize. To a degree, our perceptions
of our partners are fictions that portray our partners as people they are not.
Several factors determine just how accurate or inaccurate our judgments are. Inter-
personal perception depends both on the people involved and on the situation they
face (Kenny, 2020).
Knowledge
The conclusion that we don’t know our partners as well as we think we do isn’t incon-
sistent with the fact that intimate partners know a great deal about each other. As their
relationship develops and they spend more time together, two people do come to
understand each other better (Lee & Ashton, 2017). Married people perceive each
other more accurately than dating couples or friends do, and acquaintances judge each
other more accurately than strangers do (Letzring et al., 2006). Clearly, the more we
know about our partners, the more accurate our judgments of them become (Wessels
et al., 2020).
Motivation
However, our perceptions of others don’t necessarily become more accurate as time
goes by. Spouses who have been married for decades don’t understand each other any
better than those who have been married for only a year or two (Fletcher & Kerr,
2010). (Are you surprised by this? I was.) This is because the interest and motivation
with which we try to figure each other out help to determine how insightful and accu-
rate we will be (Smith et al., 2011), and in striving to know each other, people who
have recently married may understand each other as well as they ever will. If their
motivation wanes, longer periods of close contact may even gradually result in less,
not more, accuracy as time goes by (Ickes, 2003).
To some extent, we also tend to see in our partners what we want and expect to
see (Lemay & Clark, 2015). Because it causes positive illusions, liking someone makes
our judgments less accurate than they would be if we were more dispassionate (Wessels
et al., 2020). We also perceive our partners’ goals (Dunlop et al., 2018) and their emo-
tions (Clark et al., 2017) to be more like our own than they really are. Caring and
interdependency seem to interfere with impartiality and objectivity.
In general, women are better judges of others than men are, but some of that has
to do with men simply not trying as hard to understand others as women do (Hall &
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Mast, 2008). Whether they’re male or female, people who are high in avoidance of
intimacy don’t read others very well, both because they don’t pay close attention to
others and because they just don’t care (Izhaki-Costi & Schul, 2011). But we all tend
to understand beautiful people more than we do those who are plain, and that’s because
they are beautiful, and we’re trying harder (Lorenzo et al., 2010). We know people
better when we are motivated to do so.
Partner Legibility
Some of the traits people have are more visible than others—that is, they impel behavior
that is observable and obvious—and the more evident a trait is, the more accurately it will
be perceived (Hehman et al., 2017). People who are sociable and extraverted, for instance,
are likely to be accurately perceived as gregarious and affable, but high negative emotion-
ality that involves fretfulness and anxiety is harder to detect (Vazire, 2010). Moreover,
some people are generally easier to judge correctly than others are (Human & Biesanz,
2013). One intriguing example of this was obtained when research participants watched
videos of people on speed dates (Place et al., 2009). The observers could usually tell
when men were interested in a woman they had met, but women’s interest was a little
harder to judge (perhaps because more of the women were playing it cool). Nevertheless,
some members of both sexes were quite transparent and easy to read, whereas others
(about 20 percent of the group) consistently misled those who were watching. When
people were hard to read, the observers routinely had no clue of what they were thinking.
Perceiver Ability
Some people may be hard to judge, but some judges are more discerning than others,
too. People who have good social skills tend to be adept at judging others (Hall et al.,
2009), often because they’re high in emotional intelligence, a set of abilities that
describes a person’s talents in perceiving, using, understanding, and managing emotions
(Mayer et al., 2016). When people have emotional intelligence, they’re able to read
others’ feelings sensitively, and they enjoy more satisfying and more intimate interac-
tions with others as a result (Czarna et al., 2016). Women tend to have higher emo-
tional intelligence than men do, and that’s another reason they tend to be good at
judging others (Brackett et al., 2005).
Unsettling consequences may result from being a poor judge of others. When Wil-
liam Schweinle and his colleagues asked married men to watch videotapes of women
discussing their divorces, they found (as you might expect) that some men read the
women’s thoughts and feelings better than others. The videos were highly charged and
full of emotion, and the men had never met the women they were watching, but those
who could accurately tell when the women were really angry or bitter tended to be
satisfied with their own marriages. In contrast, other men considered the women to
be more hostile than they really were; these men perceived criticism and rejection in
the women’s remarks that was not apparent to other perceivers. And creepily, those
men were more likely to be wife beaters who abused their own wives (Schweinle et al.,
2002). A thin-skinned tendency to perceive antagonism from female strangers that did
not exist was correlated with mistreatment of one’s own spouse.
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Happily, training and practice can improve people’s abilities to understand their
partners (Teding van Berkhout & Malouff, 2016). In one study, participants in a
10-hour empathy training program were able to understand their partners’ thoughts
and feelings more accurately 6 months later, and their partners were more satisfied
with their relationship as a result (Long et al., 1999).
Threatening Perceptions
Intimate partners typically understand each other much better than they understand
mere acquaintances, but they may not want to on those occasions when a partner’s
feelings or behavior is distressing or ominous. When accurate perceptions would be
worrisome, intimate partners may actually be motivated to be inaccurate in order to
fend off doubts about their relationship (Ickes & Hodges, 2013). And that’s a good
thing because relationships suffer when people correctly perceive unwanted, threaten-
ing feelings in their partners (Simpson et al., 2012). Imagine this situation: You and
your romantic partner are asked to examine and discuss several pictures of very attrac-
tive people your partner may be meeting later. Afterward, while watching a videotape
of the two of you discussing the pictures, you try to discern exactly what your partner
Do You Really Know What Others Think of You?
Okay, you know more about yourself than
anyone else does. No one else, of course, is
with you as much as you are. But other
people are still likely to know some things
about you that you don’t know, for two rea-
sons. First, they have a different point of
view. They can see what you’re doing, and
they’re sometimes aware of behavior that
escapes your notice (Vazire & Carlson,
2011). In particular, others often disagree
with you about how agreeable—that is,
warm, cooperative, and self less—you’re be-
ing at any given moment (Sun & Vazire,
2019). Have you ever been surprised by
how you looked on a video? That’s the per-
spective of you that others have all the
time. Second, they’re more objective.
Whereas you and I are prone to self-serving
biases, others evaluate us with more dispas-
sion; they know better, for instance, how
physically attractive we are (Epley &
Whitchurch, 2008).
You can more fully comprehend what
others think of you if you recognize that
they are generally unaware of your unspo-
ken fears, good intentions, and other private
experiences; they can judge only what you
say and do. As a result—and here comes
some good news—others see us as less anx-
ious, more assertive, and more conscien-
tious than we judge ourselves to be (Allik
et al., 2010). They are less aware of our wor-
ries, occasional timidity, and unfulfilled
plans than we are, so they don’t hold our
private moments of weakness against us the
way we do. And in general, we are reason-
ably well aware of the different impressions
we make on different audiences such as par-
ents, friends, and co-workers (Carlson,
2016), but—and here’s some more good
news—they usually like us and enjoy our
company more than we think they do
(Boothby et al., 2018). Add it all up, and
there usually are some things that almost
everybody thinks of us of which we are un-
aware (Gallrein et al., 2016). To really un-
derstand what others think of you, the thing
to do is ask (Epley, 2014).
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was thinking when he was inspecting the pictures of gorgeous women (or she was
inspecting the pictures of handsome men) that could be potential rivals for you. How
astute would you be? Would you really want to know that your partner found one of
the pictures to be especially compelling and was really looking forward to meeting that
person? Not if you’re like most people. The more attractive (and thereby threatening)
the photos were and the closer their relationship was, the less accurately dating partners
perceived each other’s thoughts and feelings in this situation (Simpson et al., 1995).
Most people understood a partner’s reactions to unattractive photos reasonably well,
but they somehow remained relatively clueless about a partner’s reactions to attractive
pictures. They were inattentive to news they did not want to hear.
But not everyone successfully managed threatening perceptions in this manner.
People with a preoccupied attachment style were actually more a ccurate in judging their
partners when the partners inspected the attractive photos (Simpson et al., 1999). They
were unsettled by their perceptions, however, and they evaluated their relationships less
favorably as a result. Preoccupied people were like moths drawn to a flame; they were
especially good at intuiting their partners’ feelings in just those situations in which
accuracy was disconcerting and costly. Such sensitivity may be one reason that such
people are chronically anxious about their relationships. People with dismissing styles7
do better when they’re confronted with distressing information because they divert their
attention and simply ignore it. This protects their feelings, but it does leave them rather
unaware of what’s going on (Simpson et al., 2011).
Perceiver Influence
Finally, we should remember that we’re not passive judges of others. In a close rela-
tionship, we’re engaged in continual interaction with our partners, and if we come
to realize that they are not the people we wish they were, we may try to change them
by encouraging some behaviors and discouraging others. In a sense, we’re sometimes
like sculptors who try to construct the partners we want from the raw material they
provide (Rusbult et al., 2009). If our partners seem dispirited, we may try to cheer
them up. Or if they’re too pompous and pretentious, we may try to bring them back
to Earth (De La Ronde & Swann, 1998). Because intimate partners are continually
shaping and molding each other’s behavior, perceptions that are initially inaccurate
may become more correct as we induce our partners to become the people we want
them to be.
Summary
With all these influences at work, our perceptions of our partners can range from
outright fantasy to precise correctness. We certainly know our partners better as a
relationship develops, but motivation and attentiveness can come and go, and some
people are easier to read than others. Some of us are more astute perceivers than oth-
ers, too. In addition, even if you know your partner well, there may be occasions when
7Are you recognizing the terms preoccupied and dismissing? If not, go back to page 16 to refresh your
memory.
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inattention is profitable, helping you avoid doubt and distress. And partners influence
each other, so perceptions can become either more or less accurate as time goes by.
In general, then, we usually understand our partners less well than we think we do—and
because relationships tend to be happier when the partners accurately understand each
other (Huelsnitz et al., 2020), we should ask our lovers what they’re thinking and feel-
ing more often (Eyal et al., 2018).
Clearly, our perceptions of our partners are influential. Right or wrong, our judg-
ments of our lovers and friends can either support or undermine our contentment in
our relationships. Some of us look on the bright side, thinking well of our partners,
using relationship-enhancing attributions, and expecting kindness and generosity—and
that’s what we get. Others of us, however, doubt our partners and expect the worst—and
thereby make it more likely that our relationships will fail.
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Martha looked forward to meeting Gale because those who knew her said that she was
friendly, outgoing, and bright. But their paths happened to cross when Gale was suf-
fering from a bad case of poison ivy; she was uncomfortable from the endless itching
and drowsy from the allergy medicine, and altogether, she was having a really bad day.
So, things did not go well when Martha said hello and introduced herself. Martha
came away from their brief interaction thinking that Gale was really rather cold and
unsociable.
After Gale recovered and was back in her usual spirits, she encountered
Martha again and greeted her warmly and was surprised when Martha seemed distant
and wary. Having read this chapter, what do you think the future holds for Martha and
Gale? Why?
166 chapter 4: Social Cognition
KEY TERMS
social cognition ……………………… p. 133
primacy effect ………………………… p. 136
confirmation bias …………………… p. 137
overconfidence ……………………….. p. 137
positive illusions …………………….. p. 140
attributions …………………………….. p. 141
actor/observer effects …………….. p. 142
self-serving biases …………………… p. 142
reconstructive memory …………… p. 144
marital paradigms ………………….. p. 145
destiny beliefs ………………………… p. 146
growth beliefs ………………………… p. 147
self-fulfilling prophecies …………. p. 148
self-concepts …………………………… p. 151
self-enhancement ……………………. p. 152
self-verification ………………………. p. 152
implicit attitudes ……………………. p. 154
transference ……………………………. p. 155
impression management …………. p. 156
ingratiation …………………………….. p. 157
self-promotion ………………………… p. 157
intimidation ……………………………. p. 159
supplication ……………………………. p. 159
self-monitoring ……………………….. p. 159
emotional intelligence …………….. p. 163
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CHAPTER SUMMARY
Social cognition includes all of the processes of perception, thought, and memory with
which we evaluate and understand ourselves and other people.
First Impressions (and Beyond)
When we first meet others, we jump to conclusions because of stereotypes and
primacy effects. Confirmation biases then affect our selection of subsequent data, and
overconfidence leads us to put unwarranted faith in our judgments.
The Power of Perceptions
Partners’ perceptions can be very consequential.
Idealizing Our Partners. Happy partners construct positive illusions that emphasize
their partners’ virtues and minimize their faults.
Attributional Processes. The explanations we generate for why things happen are called
attributions. Partners are affected by actor/observer effects and self-serving biases, and they
tend to employ either relationship- enhancing or distress-maintaining patterns of attribution.
Memories. We edit and update our memories as time goes by. This p rocess of
reconstructive memory helps couples stay optimistic about their futures.
Relationship Beliefs. Our assumptions about the role marriage will play in our lives
take the form of marital paradigms. Dysfunctional relationship beliefs such as destiny
beliefs are clearly disadvantageous. Growth beliefs are more realistic and profitable.
Expectations. Our expectations about others can become self-fulfilling prophecies,
false predictions that make themselves come true.
Self-Perceptions. We seek reactions from others that are self-enhancing and
complimentary and that are consistent with what we already think of ourselves—with self-
verification leading people to seek intimate partners who support their existing self-concepts.
Nonconscious Social Cognition. We often have both positive and negative
associations with our partners, implicit attitudes, of which we are unaware. We also may
not recognize how, through transference, experiences with prior partners can influence
our feelings and behavior in current relationships.
Impression Management
We try to influence the impressions of us that others form.
Strategies of Impression Management. Four different strategies of impression
management—ingratiation, self-promotion, intimidation, and supplication—are commonplace.
Impression Management in Close Relationships. High self-monitors are less
committed to their romantic partners, but all of us work less hard to pre sent favorable
images to our intimate partners than to others.
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So, Just How Well Do We Know Our Partners?
We generally don’t understand our partners as well as we think we do.
Knowledge. As a relationship develops and partners spend more time together,
they typically do understand each other better.
Motivation. The interest and motivation with which people try to figure each other
out help to determine how insightful and accurate they will be.
Partner Legibility. Some personality traits, such as extraversion, are more visible
than others.
Perceiver Ability. Some judges are better than others, too. Emotional intelligence is
important in this regard.
Threatening Perceptions. However, when accurate perceptions would be worrisome,
intimate partners may actually be motivated to be inaccurate.
Perceiver Influence. Perceptions that are initially inaccurate may become more
correct as we induce our partners to become the people we want them to be.
Summary. Right or wrong, our judgments matter.
SUGGESTIONS FOR SATISFACTION
• Humility is attractive. Strive to be humble instead of overconfident in your judg-
ments of others.
• Celebrate your partner’s virtues and acknowledge, but do not dwell, on their faults.
• Blame less; remember that nearly all of the annoyances and inconveniences a lov-
ing partner causes you are unintended.
• Accept more personal responsibility for the setbacks you encounter in your
relationships.
• Love, all by itself, does not conquer all. Adopt the perspective that successful
relationships require creative collaboration, compromise, and effort.
• Remember that people behave the way they do around you due in part to the way
you behave toward them.
• Don’t overestimate your ability to change a potential partner’s negative self-concept.
• Don’t get lazy. Continue to work hard to make good impressions on your friends
and lovers.
• Recognize that you don’t understand your partners as well as you think you do.
Actively strive to know and understand them better.
168 chapter 4: Social Cognition
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